Day 3

Day 3

Sunday, March 30, 2014

I initially started this blog to track the process through hospice, and to have a place to express my feelings.  In order to continue it as a sort of journal, it has to have a new numbering system.  So, Sunday March 30, 2014 is day 3 of “Life without Jimmy”.

The “essence” of him has been gone awhile; but his now being physically gone (if you don’t count the small inimpressive white box in the corner for now) is different, and something I have to get used to.  One Day at a Time.

The memorial service was very nice.  For not having ever met him, the pastor did a lovely job of telling about DH.  You just can’t sum up 71 years in 30 minutes, but he did sum upp his “essense” nicely.  The only problem I had with anything was that there was so little “direction”.  Meaning, I felt completely lost a lot of the time … people kept asking me what should they do, where should they sit .. and there was no one to help with that, and I just didn’t know. And it was strange feeling to be standing in a “receiving line” .. very loosely formed  .. and spaking to people I didn’t know (and didn’t recognize many I should have known).

The memorial display turned out nice.  There were 2 potted plants that I still have to find out who to thank for.  DH’s sister took one to put in her garden, and I have the other.  Sister also put together an absolutely gorgeous arrangement with flowers from her own garden .. exactly the sort of thing DH would have appreciated.  And DS & DIL bought a nice potted tulip which will go in their garden.

Several people either gave me cards or slipped some money into my hands.  I am extremely grateful; and hope I adequately expressed thanks for the cash, because I really have no clue who it came from except for one person.

A couple of “old friends” of mine showed up (and also some classmates of his), for which I’m ever so grateful.  One lady and her husband came all the way from the Outer Banks .. we were close friends 20 or so years ago.  Another friend I’ve known more than 30 years came, and gave me a photograph taken of her, myself, and DH .. all in much younger and skinnier days!

One current close friend came; the person I *thought* was a friend did not come, and I’ve not heard a word from.

Most of the family, and my 20+ year friends came back to the house.  My DIL had made chicken salad, plus bought some “snack trays”.  My sister & family brought some Smithfield’s barbecue.  I hope everyone got as much as they wanted to eat, because apparently there was plenty.  I never went into the kitchen!  Someone fixed me a plate of food, and my dear sister brought me a glass of wine!  My niece brought me some cake later (my SIL brought that).  I totally enjoyed having all the family around .. and liked that the 2 families seemed to mingle (in times past, one “group” would be in one room, and the others in a different room).  My niece’s 3 y/o entertained us all quite well (very smart little kid!). It was very sad when everyone finally had to leave.  A lot of people had to travel a long way.  Even DS and his kids had to head back home, though they waited quite a bit later.  Thankjully DIL is staying with me the rest of the week.

One of the GA boys (DGS14/nearly 15) wanted to spend the night.  Then it turns out he wanted him and TGF’s oldest to stay here.  He didn’t care about spending the night at grandma’s.  He just wanted to be away from the younger kids, watch whatever they wanted on TV (all night long), and no competition for whatever food is left    Oh well.  He tried to microwave a small pizza, which was fine.  Except he apparently has a problem with directions.  He thought the box said 20 ½ minutes (for a 6” pizza???) .. it said 2 ½.  It was a near disaster; and the whole house filled with very acrid smoke.  We had to shut the kitchen door and turn on fans; he and BGS16 had to open doors and windows.  And he cleaned the microwave.  But this morning (Monday) the house still smells funky.  I hope it will be a warm enough day to try to air it out better.

One thing I did notice … none of my smoke detectors went off.  And the batteries were recently changed.  I hope that only means the smoke residue didn’t get that far (only the smell  … my eyes burn, but that *could* be because they burn or itch occasionally anyway).

I sort of feel like the hospice people kind of dropped the ball at the end.  I was told last summer they would be here for me with advice and counseling about end of life planning … and it didn’t happen.  It seems to me like they had somewhat decided he “wasn’t *that* bad off “ yet  .. and when  he took a sudden turn for the worse, they had other commitments that were more important.  There was never anyone telling me what to expect, what to do, etc.  I really felt like I was fumbling through a lot .. and still things I need to do that I have no one to really help me figure out.  I mean, none of them that I thought I could count on.  My DIL will be here with me; and I know I can call on family members if I need to (and I will).  But I still feel let down that in the end they didn’t do what they had said they would.

When the nurse came back Thursday afternoon, she was very efficient.  She called the funeral home; she called the equipment company; and she disposed of the unused meds (the ones they provided).  She said she knew the social worker was already planning to come by, and I’d hear from the chaplain the next day.  Well, by the time the S/W got here the funeral guys were already here … and she was at the end of a long day.  So she only stayed briefly; told me she’d come back to visit just as a friend (which I doubt, she’ll be busy with her life and her job and forget); and I never heard another word from the chaplain.  I understand he has a sick child.  But nevertheless, to not even get a phone call pretty much felt like I’d been dropped like a hot potato.  It’s like no matter what services were supposedly offered, once it was “too late” their services ended no matter what.  I was told they have a “bereavement counselor” who will be available for 13 months (odd time).  Well, no thanks .. I have family.

What I needed was someone to tell me what to expect when we met with the funeral home directior .. he seemed faintly less than pleased that we didn’t already have firm answers in place for his questions. And, as I said above, I had no idea what was the “correct protocol” (I don’t know if that is spelled right nor not).

The thing that somewhat surprised me .. and I guess I have to admit disappointed me a little .. was that no one came here Friday and Saturday.  I did have quite a few “condolence” calls, but all but one were from family.  People I thought were friends, and that live close by, did not come by the house or go to the service.   I know several of DSS’s friend went to his house.  I guess I don’t have as many friends as I thought.   I had been told that people would come by to offer sympathy, bring food, yadda yadda .. didn’t happen.  Most of my family live too far away for a casual “drop in”.  And it occurs to me, there’s really no where I could live (as opposed to way out here in the wilderness) that I would be any closer.

I know, I’m very whiny and self-pitying this morning.  I woke up way too early, and started getting weepy.  I expect that’s going to hit me at unexpected times for quite a while.  The house doesn’t really “feel” different, other than being very quiet without the machinery going.  But it does feel strange to not have obligations .. pills, drinks, dialysis, etc.  Or even not to just keep going back to the bedroom to check on DH.  I find myself wandering back there and just looking around, wondering what in the world to do with all the cluttered mess.  Mostly DSS will take care of sorting things (my bad vision is coming in handy for a change!).  But it’s bugging me that it’s disorganized and there’s trash and random stuff laying around.  I’m going to have to go clean it.

After so many people here, I feel the need to clean the house .. which might be useless.  No CNA, no nurses, just no one at all to be coming by now.  Funny, even the Mexicans next door quit coming (not that I mind that!) And I strongly suspect there’s nowhere elsse I could live that would be any different.

Today (Monday) I still have a few phone calls to make.  I’ve been told there’s a water pipe leaking somewhere in the yard.  I don’t know where (from the description I was given, it shouldn’t be from my well); but the pump apparently keeps running.  So, I have to call the landlord to check it out.  And, I have to let them know the rent this month will be late, because I don’t know how long it will take to get the social security straightened out.  I suspect that being so near the end of the month, DH’s check will go into the bank automatically … and I’m very much afraid they will either demand it back, or just take it back; and I don’t know how long before they’ll correct mine.  I know I can skip the gas payment because I’m well ahead  on that anyway.  But all the other bills will come no matter what.   DH had a personal checking account, and I have no idea what’s in it now (very little I think); but I have to wait about 2 weeks for a death certificate to take to the bank before I can access that.  And I don’t expect SSA will be in any big hurry to pay their paltry death benefit (which, I found out to my eternal disgust, is ONLY paid to the first spouse to die).   It’s all a bit stressful to figure out (and annoying that TGF could care less that I’m stuck with 2 teenage boys to feed .. no clue when someone is picking them up, so DIL and I can’t even go out today to run errands or anything.  I’m absolutely not leaving those 2 here alone!!)

DIL has the neatest app on her phone.  I can’t remember what it’s called, but she can make lists or notes or all sorts of things .. and everyone connected (I presume by a specific password or something) can access it.  That means the kids can enter their own schedules .. games, band, whatever … and they all have the same info.  She can make a grocery list, and DS can go to the store .. and, can remove things from the list as he gets them.  So anyway, she’s making a list of various things as we think of them that need to be done (or just things that I need her help with .. like resetting all the timers since the power went out Thursday night).  So that’s things to get done this week.

We haven’t decided when yet, but I’m thinking maybe Thursday, I’ll go with her back to New Bern.  I’m sure she’s been away from home long enough, although I’m extremely grateful to have her here with me.  I guess I’ll spend a long weekend there (get to go to one of DGS’s soccer games).  Sooner or later I’ll have to be back here by myself, and get things done.  But perhaps she’ll come back with me a little while, because when the certificates come I’ll need to take care of things in the day time, not just Sunday afternoon.

In May the kids will have end of year concerts.  I will likely go back for that; and then will go with DIL to an appointment at the end of May.  Tentatively, she’ll take me to my brother’s from there.  She’ll spend a night and then head home, and I’ll stay with him a little while (details to be determined). I also heard yesterday talk of my sister driving me out to TX to visit our other brother.  I don’t know when that will work out, but I’ll be looking forward to it.

Somewhere in between the visiting, when the weather becomes more stable and everyone interested is available, there will be a trip to the Outer Banks to say a final good bye to DH.

That’s as far as I can “plan” for now.

The sun is shining (it wasn’t evemn daylight yet when I woke up).  I don’t even know what today will bring, but I guess it’s time to get it started.  I can go on and get a shower before anyone else is awake; and maybe even do a load of laundry.  And then, just .. who knows.