Day 312

Day 312

Saturday, March 29, 2014

This was a strangely quiet day.  The majority of it, there was just my DIL and myself.  No visitors, few phone calls.  I know where family is (far away, and will see them today, Sunday).  Apparently I have no friends.  Well, there is one .. who is waiting for ME to call her and say I need something or other.  For some reason, she seems to not like my family, and won’t come here if anyone else is here.  Well, it may be a very long time then because I’m not chasing my DIL off any time soon.  I don’t guess I really *need* her here, but I really enjoy her company.  I used to have another friend, but she deserted me long ago.  I had thought I still had *friends* from work, but I was wrong.

I do have some casual friends from vendor times .. and I got nice emails from them, which was all I would have expected.

I guess I’m just in a bit of a sad mood this morning.  I should not have had any hopes or expectations from yesterday.  In the middle of the afternoon the pastor (actually from TGF’s church, who has agreed to do the memorial service) came by.  Since he never met DH, he needed to meet with family to learn more about him. TGF and DSS came here for that, and it was a nice hour or so.  TGF and DSS stayed a little longer to remove a few more things from the house  (per my request).  DIL and I watched a couple of programs on Netflix.  Late in the evening DS got back with DGD and DGS.  We had pizza, watched a Bones episode, and then played Apples to Apples until pretty late.

As has become very “normal” for me, I woke up very early.  I didn’t want to wake anyone (although they are all pretty sound sleepers!).  I started a load of laundry, bagged some trash, cleaned the kitchen table.  In a little while I’ll go on and get a shower before everyone else is up.

I feel “disconnected”.  The memorial service this afternoon will be emotional.  But I’ll get through it.  I feel like I said my personal “good byes” to DH a long time ago.  But this is public, and final (wlel, almost).  I understand that DSS is having a hard time dealing with this.  He was pretty close to his dad (even though he didn’t show it the last few months.  I believe he felt a bit like I did, that the “real” man was gone from us already).  And TGF is there by his side to help him through this.  And he has friends and a brother who all went “to his side”.  And that my own son, and his family, were here with me.  It still feels a bit (not a lot, but some) like the rest of the world is saying that while it’s very sad to lose your parents,  I only lost a husband; and since he was, and I am, just old, it matters less.

I feel a bit like the hospice let me down in the end.  I’m trying very hard to be fair.  The nurse was here .. she was here Thursday morning and knew how DH was doing then; and when I called her, she immediately came back here.  She at least did some of the things I didn’t know what needed to be done about.  And that’s why I feel let down.  They put off having any discussion with me about what to do when the end came.  There was supposed to have been a meeting that Thursday morning.  But the chaplain has a sick child to deal with.  I understand that, it certainly was a priority.  But later, when DH died, I still never heard from the chaplain.  The social worker got side tracked, and didn’t get here until late afternoon.  Things were “handled” by then.  I like her a lot, but she wasn’t very helpful.  And now, he’s gone, and I feel like it’s a matter of “oh well, too late, but our job is done now anyway”.  I have requested donations be made to them, because I feel like they were here for me up to this week.  And they did provide things that helped and/or comforted DH.

I meant to let them (hospice) know about the service.  I don’t expect anyone to come … if they attended services every time they lost a patient, they wouldn’t have time to do their jobs!  But I felt like it was a type of closure for them to know.  But since I forgot to call until Saturday morning, all I could do was leave a message.  The odd thing was, the answering service told me that “they are all working this weekend, but might check their messages”.  They don’t work weekends.  I guess that’s a “stock answer” or something.  I have to let it go.

After the service today, a lot of people will come here.  Since it’s the middle of the afternoon, hopefully they won’t all be expecting too much in the way of food.  There are still chips, and plenty of drinks.  DS & DIL have bought most of what is here.  I have to be very careful until the social security is straightened out, and I can’t even guess how long that will take.  Everyone always says that when there’s a death in the family, everyone brings food.  Not true.  But it’ll be OK.

Later, everyone will go home.  I think it will feel a lot lonlier then.  DS and the kids will have to go, but DIL is staying.  I will have to deal with first of month stuff this week, but at the end of the week I will go back to NB with her for a weekend.  I’ve never been able to go to DGS’s soccer game, or heard DGD play her flute (probably not anything happening where the marching band will play). 

I’ve talked a lot about traveling, visiting family.  DIL has an appointment toward the end of May.  We talked, briefly, about my going back down to NB to hear end of season concerts, and then go with her to her appointment.  If the timing works out, she will take me from there to my brother’s house … hopefully I’ll then get the chance to ride up into the mountians while rhodendron are in bloom.  Later (and no time frame even discussed yet) I hope to get to visit my brother  & SIL in TX.  Never been there.

Sooner or later I will have to settle in here and deal with my life.  But maybe the family visits will “take the edge off” before I have to do that.

It is a gloomy rainy day.  Seems appropriate.  Sad.