(rest of) Day 305

Day 305

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Physcal:

I really just don’t know what’s going on,.  The nurse did finally call me back, though she wasn’t all that helpful.  One thing she did clear up though is that the two meds are for different things.  One is for calming, the other for pain.  She also said that if DH refuses to eat or drink, or even to take pills (or doesn’t seem able to, willing or not), then don’t worry about it.  It’s just his body slowing down and he doesn’t need those things.  Well, sorry  I’m just having a hard time accepting that it’s OK for him to refuse pills or anything to drink.  

Anyway, whatever was going on Friday, I have pretty much decided maybe it wasn’t from the pain med after all.  Maybe it was just a continuation of whatever was going on Thursday to start with.  He seems to have come out of it.  But Saturday was a rough day.  Or rather, the evening was.

He continued to complain of pain all day.  He says his knee hurts.  I can’t figure out why.  But over the course of the day (NOT all at once) he had the calming med a strong pain med, a Tylenol, a sleeping pill, and some calming gel.  None of it worked .. he would drop off to sleep for short periods and wake up.  And he never stopped saying his knee hurt.

By late at night, when I normally get him settled and turn off the lights … he was all agitated.  He thought he was in a boat (so much for the brief spell of clarity), and it was sinking and he just had to get out.  He kept insisting he didn’t want any covers on him.  Then finally he was ready to go to bed .. but he wanted me to get him up so he could go to bed.  It was about 10:30 before he finally went on to sleep.  And that’s later than I usually manage to stay awake!

This morning (Sunday) he was awake and stirring by 6:00.   He thought he was in a car again.  That seems to be the most frequently reoccurring theme.  It took over half an hour before he went back to sleep (and of course, by then, I was too awake to have any chance of any more sleep).  And he’s still complaining about his knee hurting.

People:

The nurse did finally return my call.  And, oddly enough, in the late evening (right at dark), the neighbors came over .. 2 ladies and 4 or 5 kids.  They didn’t stay long; I suspect the main thing was to ask about the dogs.  I told them they’re NOT mine and I’d love for them to be gone – animal control had very specifically told me they would not come get them (and that I’d have to pay a fee for EACH dog if I took them in).   They’re not the kind of neighbors I feel comfortable going to for “help”.  They’re not family; I can’t even speak to them without children interpreting.  So I feel pretty much alone to deal with this. 

 The kids don’t bother to so much as call, much less come over.  I know some of them live too far away and have a lot of problems right now.  The ones that live close by apparently couldn’t care less.

Emotions:

I’m too tired for any emotions to be “honest” right now.   The last few days have been really difficult.  Something changed, and I’m not quite sure what or why … and have no clue how to deal with it.  TGF made it quite clear to me way back last fall that they “can’t be running out here all the time”.    So “helping” out here is something that has to be fit into her schedule and she will totally not inconvenience herself any more than what she already is.  She’s added things to her Sunday schedule, so “our time” has been cut shorter.  I’m supposed to be ever so grateful for the little time she’s willing to spare for me.  I’m not.  I don’t care if I’m being hateful and selfish.

I know I tend to harp on TGF a lot.  In a lot of ways I do like her; and when given the opportunity I do enjoy her company.  But sh is also selfish and spoiled, and I resent that they’ve expected so much from me, but aren’t willing to share more than a tiny sliver of time with us.  She will occasionally run errands for me .. especially when it helps shorten Sunday errands in order to fit into her schedule better.  But she has never ever so much as offered to run a vacuum or fold a towel.  It’s not that I “need” that kind of help.  I just resent that it never occurs to her to even ask if I do.  They are “young” and working parents.  They live in a huge crappy old house – 5 of them, 6 on weekends, even more when DSS’s boys are there) with very limited heat and electricity.  But they seem to think that we – who worked all our lives - *owe* them every penny we have to help them out (because it took DSS so long to figure out he had to go out and get a real job that actually paid him);  and they think it’s perfectly OK for our house to be a warehouse for anything they don’t want to be bothered with – including the trash.  They (TGF more so, but not by much) seem to think that DH and I, even though we’re getting older and have raised our families, do not have the right to have anything that they don’t have now.  I believe she’d be quite happy to see us shoved into some tiny little apartment where I could just leave DH home alone and walk to the drug store (not the one I prefer obviously) or grocery store … and they’d be quite happy to take all the pretty things they force me to get rid of. 

OK, maybe I’m being unfair.  But I’m just saying how they make me *feel*.  I feel like their lives are SO much more important than ours

DH finally went back to sleep.  Guess I better hurry up and get in the shower while I can.