Day 309
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
I got so used to posting in the morning that I didn’t even think
of it last night. It’s now 3:30 AM
(Thursday). I woke up and can’t get
back to sleep, so good time to catch up.
Physical:
There is no real change. DH
is still sleeping. He’s seemingly in a
very deep sleep, and doesn’t react to much.
In the morning (Wednesday morning) when the CNA spoke, she said he
faintly squeezed her hand, as if he acknowledged her. Occasionally when I speak, or touch, it seems
like his breathing eases a little. But
through most of this day, there hasn’t seemed to be a lot of change in his
breathing (had been being some variation).
The meds seem to be working, and he appears to be reasonably
comfortable. There’s been no “wimpering”
or moaning, which was the only way he was showing signs of pain or discomfort.
People:
Besides the CNA in the morning, DH’s brother (finally) came to
visit him. I told him I believe DH did,
deep inside, know he was there. I hope
so. In the afternoon his sister came and
visited with me for a few hours.
Everyone seems to let me just babble on; and I’ve noticed I talk a lot
about my parents. I think that’s because
it’s the closest to a similar situation I can relate to.
The insurance man dropped of the policy .. sort of a moot point,
though he pointed out I won’t “lose” anything, I’ll get back the one premium I
aid.
I got phone calls from DH’s other sister; my SIL; DSS, and
surprisingly, my son. Seems like there
was someone else .. the phone rang a lot .. but I can’t remember right now.
Emotions:
Right now I just feel sort of numb. I’m sad of course. There;s not “weeping and wailing and gnashing
of teeth”. I’m glad there will be family
here at least part of the time. I seem
to pace the house and feel a bit useless … no routine at all, and I’m “lost”.
I spent a lot of time “tweaking” things … improvements to be sure, but
not really necessary. Just “busy work”.
I know the end is very very near now. I have accepted it. I don’t like it, of course. But he’s been through so very much and I feel
like he’s finally ready to rest. He’s
said recently (before the last 3 days) that he’s tired. But that still doesn’t make it any easier to
let go. And I just don’t know how to
handle it.
Every time I try to talk to someone I start getting choked
up. And if if that is normal, I get
annoyed with myself. I’ve been forced to
be “strong” for so many years, I just don’t know how not to be.
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