Day 309

Day 309

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

I got so used to posting in the morning that I didn’t even think of it last night.  It’s now 3:30 AM (Thursday).   I woke up and can’t get back to sleep, so good time to catch up.

Physical:

There is no real change.  DH is still sleeping.  He’s seemingly in a very deep sleep, and doesn’t react to much.  In the morning (Wednesday morning) when the CNA spoke, she said he faintly squeezed her hand, as if he acknowledged her.  Occasionally when I speak, or touch, it seems like his breathing eases a little.  But through most of this day, there hasn’t seemed to be a lot of change in his breathing (had been being some variation).

The meds seem to be working, and he appears to be reasonably comfortable.  There’s been no “wimpering” or moaning, which was the only way he was showing signs of pain or discomfort.

People:

Besides the CNA in the morning, DH’s brother (finally) came to visit him.  I told him I believe DH did, deep inside, know he was there.  I hope so.  In the afternoon his sister came and visited with me for a few hours.  Everyone seems to let me just babble on; and I’ve noticed I talk a lot about my parents.  I think that’s because it’s the closest to a similar situation I can relate to.

The insurance man dropped of the policy .. sort of a moot point, though he pointed out I won’t “lose” anything, I’ll get back the one premium I aid.

I got phone calls from DH’s other sister; my SIL; DSS, and surprisingly, my son.  Seems like there was someone else .. the phone rang a lot .. but I can’t remember right now.

Emotions:

Right now I just feel sort of numb.  I’m sad of course.  There;s not “weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth”.  I’m glad there will be family here at least part of the time.  I seem to pace the house and feel a bit useless … no routine at all, and I’m  “lost”.  I spent a lot of time “tweaking” things … improvements to be sure, but not really necessary.  Just “busy work”.

I know the end is very very near now.  I have accepted it.  I don’t like it, of course.  But he’s been through so very much and I feel like he’s finally ready to rest.  He’s said recently (before the last 3 days) that he’s tired.  But that still doesn’t make it any easier to let go.  And I just don’t know how to handle it. 

Every time I try to talk to someone I start getting choked up.  And if if that is normal, I get annoyed with myself.  I’ve been forced to be “strong” for so many years, I just don’t know how not to be.