Day 311
Frisday, March 28, 2014
The last 2 days have been a bit of a blur. For all the months that were too quiet and
lonely, now it’s turning into a whirlwind .. but in spurts.
My sister and 2 nieces were here with me Thursday when DH passed
on. I will Forever be grateful for
that. God knows what He is doing!! And from that point, I have not been
physically alone. And as far as “mentally”
.. well, it’s a fact, DH”left” a long time ago.
I was dealing with a sick and confused old man, but not the same person
I married over 34 years ago. In some
ways I’ve been “letting go” for months.
But I won’t pretend that makes me any less sad now. I miss what we used to have. And now without the daily things I had to do
to take care of him, I feel a little bit lost.
On Thursday my SIL came, and my sister had to leave (they had to
pick up my niece’s baby from daycare).
Then TGF came, and then DSS. And
they stayed until my DIL and DGD got here.
On Friday, DIL and I met SIL at the funeral home to make arrangements. That felt strange for sure. It seemed odd to be talking about DH in “past
tense”. I handled it better than his
sister did. But I believe I was “better
prepared”.
We came back home, and DIL, DGD and I just sort of vegged all
afternoon. I did make some phone calls
(and still forgot to make 2. I feel bad
about that since it’s now a weekend, but will try to get messages to people
later this morning).
The equipment supply guy came and took away the hospital bed,
wheelchair and oxygen equipment (unfortunately, he could not take the ridiculos
amount of surplus tubing they had previously brought. Anyone need a bunch of unused clear plastic
tubing??) Late in the afternoon DS and
DGS got here.
DS and DIL went to the grocery store. They got a really lot of stuff .. thought
some other people were coming, but they never showed up. DS headed back home late in the evening with
DGS and DGS … they both had activities at home planned for today
(Saturday). They will be back tonight.
DIL had said she would come by last night. I’m thinking she forgot what day it was ..
they have friends over every Friday
night to play cards. DSS and TGF had
said they’d come; but they were waiting for DSS’s best friend to get here from
Florida, and I suspect it was too late.
I have a LOT of food here right now!
I may put some of it in the freezer for later .. my budget just got cut
in half!
DSS has surprised me at how well he has handled everything. He did make the comment to me that he has
been “expecting” this since he was 13 (about the time of DH’s first – of many –
major surgeries). I know he’s having a
hard time, but doing very well. It
helped that I got him busy Thursday night.
I wanted DH’s huge gun collection out of the house. I’m not in the least bothered by having guns
in the house (and as DH’s mental condition deteriorated, they were not only put
well out of his reach, all ammunition was put in a separate place even more out
of reach). But, if there comes a time over this weekend with
a lot of people in the house (in particular after the memorial service
tomorrow), I didn’t want to have to worry about someone helping themselves to
anything and just slipping out the front door .. I’d not know. Anyway, he took all but one that is hung on a
decorative board (that DH painted), and one that belongs to DS (and he took his
last night). I believe the physical
activitiy of finding and packing up everything helped DSS a lot.
It is a bit funny though, that it was dark by the time they got
home .. and hoping none of the neighbors noticed them carrying load after load
after load of guns into their house!!
I have talked on the phone more these last 2 days than I have in
months. Besides so many people to be
called and facilities to be notified, many have called me. I had a lovely long conversation with my
youngest DB (he sounded awful, bad cold); and later with my niece, his
daughter. I also had a great conversation
with my 21 y/o DGS .. he and his brother (DGS14) will come tonight after his
mid terms; but they will stay a few days.
I had a conversation in the morning with a good friend. I used to meet her sometimes when DH was at
Duke (hospital), so I’m sad that won’t happen any more. Then again, I still have to have eye
appointments. Maybe someone will take me
when we don’t have to rush back.
I’m thinking there were other calls, but I can’t remember right
now. I’ve had to be too responsible for
too long. All arrangements are made that
need to be done for now; so I’m just not *thinking* about what to do. Well, except I need to clean my kitchen
floor. Yes, I know, my sister says my
house looks fine. Right now, not so
much!! But mostly, the kitchen floor
feels “crunchy”, and I just feel like I need to give it a quick mop before more
people start coming over.
I do wish DSS would come carry
the piled up trash off. It’s cluttering
up what should be a useable room (in case a lot of people show up at
once). I know “family” (mine and his)
will show up at various times, but I have no way of knowing who and when. So I feel like I need to be prepared. And, it’s a fact (and NOT a complaint) that there is actually
no one to physically help me with stuff like that. My DIL has serious health issues, and can’t
do much physically. TGF has all she can
do keeping up with her house and all those boys. The one GF I used to be able to count on has
pretty much deserted me. I don’t think
she even botheres to read email any more, so I suppose I should call her. I’ll probably also vacuum if I can find a
good time. If the kitchen floor is cruncjy,
then stuff is getting tracked around.
And maybe I just need “busy work”.
I slept OK .. woke at 3:00 as usual, but went back to sleep. I have removed the monitors (they would pick
up outside noises, and I thought that might freak me out a little). The house is strangely quiet without the
constant thump of the oxygen concentrator, and the nighttime odd noises the
dialysis machine made. Plus listening to
DH breath, which sounded increasingly labored.
I’ve told several people about trips I hope to be able to
make. I want to visit my DS and family
in New Bern. It’s been wel over a year
since I was able to go there. I hope
to get to visit my brother and be taken for a ride into the mountains when
rhodendrons are in bloom. I also hope, sometime
(down the road, not right away) to persuade my brother to take me on a trip to
Savannah .. just because it’s such a beautiful place, somewhere I’d like to get
to visit again.
And I’ve never been able to visit my younger brother in all the
places he was posted (CG), so will get to go to TX at some point. With a little luck and planning, maybe even
when my niece can be there too (she lives in VA). As long as someone will come over every few
days or so and tend to my cats, I guess I’m now pretty much free to do what I
want. And any time I’m not home, at
least the electric bill will be lower. I
have to really decide about the Dish (TV).
I feel like it’s too expensive now.
But when I am here, there are shows I really enjoy. With limited vision and no one here to take care of, I’m not sure
how I’d stand the evenings especially with no TV either. And I can’t afford to drink! LOL!
My DIL is up now. It’s time
to finish the load of laundry I started, get a shower, and face whatever this
day brings.
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