Day 311

Frisday, March 28, 2014

The last 2 days have been a bit of a blur.  For all the months that were too quiet and lonely, now it’s turning into a whirlwind .. but in spurts.

My sister and 2 nieces were here with me Thursday when DH passed on.  I will Forever be grateful for that.  God knows what He is doing!!  And from that point, I have not been physically alone.  And as far as “mentally” .. well, it’s a fact, DH”left” a long time ago.  I was dealing with a sick and confused old man, but not the same person I married over 34 years ago.  In some ways I’ve been “letting go” for months.  But I won’t pretend that makes me any less sad now.  I miss what we used to have.  And now without the daily things I had to do to take care of him, I feel a little bit lost.

On Thursday my SIL came, and my sister had to leave (they had to pick up my niece’s baby from daycare).  Then TGF came, and then DSS.  And they stayed until my DIL and DGD got here. 

On Friday, DIL and I met SIL at the funeral home to make arrangements.  That felt strange for sure.  It seemed odd to be talking about DH in “past tense”.  I handled it better than his sister did.  But I believe I was “better prepared”.

We came back home, and DIL, DGD and I just sort of vegged all afternoon.  I did make some phone calls (and still forgot to make 2.  I feel bad about that since it’s now a weekend, but will try to get messages to people later this morning). 

The equipment supply guy came and took away the hospital bed, wheelchair and oxygen equipment (unfortunately, he could not take the ridiculos amount of surplus tubing they had previously brought.  Anyone need a bunch of unused clear plastic tubing??)  Late in the afternoon DS and DGS got here. 

DS and DIL went to the grocery store.  They got a really lot of stuff .. thought some other people were coming, but they never showed up.  DS headed back home late in the evening with DGS and DGS … they both had activities at home planned for today (Saturday).  They will be back tonight.

DIL had said she would come by last night.  I’m thinking she forgot what day it was .. they have friends over  every Friday night to play cards.  DSS and TGF had said they’d come; but they were waiting for DSS’s best friend to get here from Florida, and I suspect it was too late.  I have a LOT of food here right now!  I may put some of it in the freezer for later .. my budget just got cut in half!

DSS has surprised me at how well he has handled everything.  He did make the comment to me that he has been “expecting” this since he was 13 (about the time of DH’s first – of many – major surgeries).  I know he’s having a hard time, but doing very well.  It helped that I got him busy Thursday night.  I wanted DH’s huge gun collection out of the house.  I’m not in the least bothered by having guns in the house (and as DH’s mental condition deteriorated, they were not only put well out of his reach, all ammunition was put in a separate place even more out of reach).  But,  if there comes a time over this weekend with a lot of people in the house (in particular after the memorial service tomorrow), I didn’t want to have to worry about someone helping themselves to anything and just slipping out the front door .. I’d not know.  Anyway, he took all but one that is hung on a decorative board (that DH painted), and one that belongs to DS (and he took his last night).  I believe the physical activitiy of finding and packing up everything helped DSS a lot.

It is a bit funny though, that it was dark by the time they got home .. and hoping none of the neighbors noticed them carrying load after load after load of guns into their house!!

I have talked on the phone more these last 2 days than I have in months.  Besides so many people to be called and facilities to be notified, many have called me.  I had a lovely long conversation with my youngest DB (he sounded awful, bad cold); and later with my niece, his daughter.  I also had a great conversation with my 21 y/o DGS .. he and his brother (DGS14) will come tonight after his mid terms; but they will stay a few days.

I had a conversation in the morning with a good friend.  I used to meet her sometimes when DH was at Duke (hospital), so I’m sad that won’t happen any more.    Then again, I still have to have eye appointments.  Maybe someone will take me when we don’t have to rush back.

I’m thinking there were other calls, but I can’t remember right now.  I’ve had to be too responsible for too long.  All arrangements are made that need to be done for now; so I’m just not *thinking* about what to do.  Well, except I need to clean my kitchen floor.  Yes, I know, my sister says my house looks fine.  Right now, not so much!!  But mostly, the kitchen floor feels “crunchy”, and I just feel like I need to give it a quick mop before more people start coming over.

I do wish DSS would  come carry the piled up trash off.  It’s cluttering up what should be a useable room (in case a lot of people show up at once).  I know “family” (mine and his) will show up at various times, but I have no way of knowing who and when.  So I feel like I need to be prepared.  And, it’s a fact  (and NOT a complaint) that there is actually no one to physically help me with stuff like that.  My DIL has serious health issues, and can’t do much physically.  TGF has all she can do keeping up with her house and all those boys.  The one GF I used to be able to count on has pretty much deserted me.  I don’t think she even botheres to read email any more, so I suppose I should call her.  I’ll probably also vacuum if I can find a good time.  If the kitchen floor is cruncjy, then stuff is getting tracked around.

And maybe I just need “busy work”.

I slept OK .. woke at 3:00 as usual, but went back to sleep.  I have removed the monitors (they would pick up outside noises, and I thought that might freak me out a little).  The house is strangely quiet without the constant thump of the oxygen concentrator, and the nighttime odd noises the dialysis machine made.  Plus listening to DH breath, which sounded increasingly labored.

I’ve told several people about trips I hope to be able to make.  I want to visit my DS and family in New Bern.  It’s been wel over a year since I was able to go there.    I hope to get to visit my brother and be taken for a ride into the mountains when rhodendrons are in bloom.  I also hope, sometime (down the road, not right away) to persuade my brother to take me on a trip to Savannah .. just because it’s such a beautiful place, somewhere I’d like to get to visit again.

And I’ve never been able to visit my younger brother in all the places he was posted (CG), so will get to go to TX at some point.  With a little luck and planning, maybe even when my niece can be there too (she lives in VA).  As long as someone will come over every few days or so and tend to my cats, I guess I’m now pretty much free to do what I want.  And any time I’m not home, at least the electric bill will be lower.  I have to really decide about the Dish (TV).  I feel like it’s too expensive now.  But when I am here, there are shows I really enjoy.  With limited vision  and no one here to take care of, I’m not sure how I’d stand the evenings especially with no TV either.  And I can’t afford to drink! LOL!

My DIL is up now.  It’s time to finish the load of laundry I started, get a shower, and face whatever this day brings.