Day 4

Day 4

Monday, March 31, 2014

I’m not sure that writing just now is much of an accurate log of my life just now.  Nothing is “normal”; there will come a time when I am here alone, and will have to figure out how to go on.  But I have family who is helping me put off that time, and getting through the “now” part.

Monday I did make a few more phone calls. As far as I know, there’s nothing else I have to do (or can do) until the certificates get here.   I am hoping to hear from the dialysis nurse about being able to use some of the left over supplies, and the unopened stuff will be picked up in 2 weeks. 

The boys that spent the night stayed up late (and DGS14 raided the freezer, and will have to answer to his pie-deprived grandma!!!),  so slept late.  During the afternoon TGF DSS, and DGS21 came by for a little while.   They took the boys back with them; and we’ll probably see them again sometime later this afternoon (Tuesday).

During the day DDIL and I mostly just watched TV and talked.  Every now and then one of us would get up to do something .. I’m still finding it hard to just sit and do nothing, so I “tweak” still.   In the late afternoon she suddenly said she was hungry for steak, so she took me out to dinner.  That was lovely.  Then we just watched TV.

I have a list of things for her to help me with, and we have done some of those things (like sort mail; and she’s working on putting things in the memory book the funeral home gave me.

We’ve been looking at calendars (well, she has) and tentatively making plans.  I’m happy for the opportunity to visit family  .. both because I’ve missed being able to do that, and because I know it’s going to be very hard just being here by myself at times.  But I also know that in order for me to do anything, it means someone going out of their way to have to come get me and take me home.  I feel bad about that, even though I can’t help it.  It just always seemed like when the time came I was alone (and I’ve known for more than 30 years the time would come eventually), I’d just drive where ever I wanted to go.  That’s NOT gonna happen!!

I feel like anything I write here just now is a bit “superficial” .. I guess I’m still a bit numb.  I get spells where the sadness creeps up on me unexpectedly; but mostly, nothing feels “real”.  I guess it helped to some extent that things here changed gradually.  At the last, DH was only in his room (and then for weeks only in bed), so I had a chance to ease into not *seeing* him  except when I went back to the bedroom.  But I could always hear him.  Now it seems to very quiet. But it still doesn’t feel real.  I don’t feel more alone than I did those last few weeks.  I’m sure things will change a lot once I’m actually here alone.  I’ll deal with that when I have to.

Meantime it’s very nice to have DIL here with me.  I wish I wasn’t such poor health that enabled her to have time to be here.

It sill feels odd how few people have come by to visit.  ////clearly I’ve had unrealistic expectations of what “friends” will do.  Perhaps they just don’t do that any more.  I have one friend who said she’ll come by “later”, when people hae stopped coming.  Stopped?  It just really feels oddly deserted.  No, that’s not really the right word.  “deserted” implies they were here to start with .. and maybe that’s where I’m wrong.   Some of the people I thought were friends are really only acquaintences .. and a FB comment or even an email are quite sufficient messages of condolence. 

Oh well.  It doesn’t matter, since nothing has changed.  I have plans forming to spend time with family; and in the end, that’s all that really matters!

For those family members reading, my tentative plans for the next 2 months are:  this Thursday I’ll be going to New Bern for a long weekend, and will be home sometime next week.  I’ll be going back to New Bern Easter weekend, but don’t know yet exactly when I’m going.  I’ll stay for a week that time, to include DGD’s 16^th birthday party.

As far as I know for now, I’ll be home most of May.  I really need to have some time to go through a lot of things in the house and then have it all picked up.   During that time I’ll certainly be glad of any and all visits from family (or the few “real” friends out there).  Towards the end of May I’ll be going with DIL to her appointment and then on for a visit with DB and SIL. 

I’m also looking forward to a trip to X .. having never been there … but those plans have not been made yet.

I guess it’s time to get this day going.