Day 16 (continued)

(the rest of) Day 16

Saturday, April 13, 2014

In the end, it was an OK day.  I’m not saying there were no ups and downs; but there were some interludes to counteract them.  During the afternoon DSS and TGF came by.  I’m still not quite really sure why.  They didn’t stay long enough to call it a “visit”.  I suspect the actual reason was to see if I had yet located a photo DH had taken of water that DSS wants to take to a friend of theirs (to use to make an art quilt).  Looking through photographs just hasn’t been much of a priority these days.  They did take some trash off at least.  But they didn’t take any of the things they claim are going to their house.  And they didn’t sort anything at all.  DSS is obsessed with finding one tiny piece of metal, and there’s just no telling where it could be.  He doesn’t even know when his dad last handled it.  It seems all the “cleaning” of drawers he has done was only a side effect of looking for that thing.  It’s tiny, and I wouldn’t recognize it; but at least I know I never throw away DH’s stuff.

The other thing was that  my brother called, and talking to him always tends to perk me up.  He gave me .. as he always does .. some very good and useful advice.  Apparently reliable sources say that one should not make a major move or decisions for at least a year after a traumatic life event (such as losing a spouse). That makes sense of course; and while I may not have the “luxury” of waiting a year to make decisions (too many variables I can’t count on right now), at least I feel like  I have “ammunition” to prevent anyone from rushing me into something I’m not at all sure about.

I really don’t see any logic at all in moving to Smithfield.  Why would I move to where the only person I know is crazy?  She might be fine one day .. but I might get drawn into their ridiculous family drama the next.  No thank you.

So, where else are there low income complexes that are suitable to live in?  Perhaps I need to get DIL to do some research.  The thing is, if I have to narrow down my options .. they would be NB first (though doesn’t seem like there’s much there); or maybe Raleigh (truthfully, I wouldn’t mind living in one of the nice downtown condos .. even though I know I’d have to win the lottery to pull that off!!). 

I need to just get all that out of my head for now and figure out what to do for the next few months at the very least.  I do have some glimmers of ideas  .. but they depend on  (1) other people keeping promises, and (2) my powers of persuation.  And I can’t deal with any of that until I get the certificates and get immediate needs taken care of.  I’m told I should call about the certificates since it’s more than 2 weeks now … but WHO do I call??  I guess I’ll start in the morning with calling the funeral home.  Perhaps they can tell me … and I can also verify the balance I owe.  My extraordinarily generous family has sent funds to help out with that .. just haven’t been able to go to the bank yet  In fact, TGF is taking me this afternoon to refill eye drops (which ran out 2 days ago) .. that’ll be my first time out since running errands with DIL last Tuesday. The point being, I’m just as “stranded” as I was when I had to be here to take care of DH.   And that’s why moving to civilization appeals.  I wish I could just pick my whole house up and plop it down in a nice neighborhood with small yards, lots of trees, sidewalks, and sociable people.  Not gonna happen.

I worked again on cleaning the guest room closet.  It seems an odd place to work on, but there’s nothing else I can do anywhere else until some things are removed.  Tomorrow the last of the dialysis supplies will be gone.  Then I’ll have a set of partially empty shelves I can use for “staging”.   But there are still so many things to figure out.

I’m hoping my nursey-niece will come visit and help me go through an abundance of medical supplies accumulated over the last 30 or so years!!  What is worth keeping?  What should be tossed?  And what is useable to someone else?

There’s still a lot of random papers to go through, though DSS did a lot of that while searching for that silly part.  He threw out everything, so I just have to assume there was nothing of importance.

I think this afternoon I may have to choose a place (probably in the bedroom) for DSS and TGF to put the things they will be taking home (eventually … I suspect that, as DSS has always done, they see my house as their free warehouse for anything they don’t want to be bothered with finding a place for in their house, but want it kept  “for later”.  For example, I have some things TGF wants to use when she has her own classroom.  I guess I am just expected to store them for her for the summer.  I wonder what she’d do if I was forced to move?  I wouldn’t take those things – a big bookcase, a big file cabinet among others – with me!).

I think tomorrow morning I’ll see if I can arrange a pick up of some of the stuff I’ve got.  Even if I don’t get it all out at once, if I can get the big stuff out, then once school is out I can get TGF to take me to donate smaller stuff (instead of her taking it herself .. why should she always get the credit for MY donations??).

I didn’t sleep well last night.  No particular reason that I can think of.  I had odd dreams .. the kind that fragments of are still in my head but make no sense.

I wish I had the kinds of friends who would just drop by occasionally …  it’s not like for the most part I’m going anywhere.  I have enough to deal with, without being expected to invite people over and “entertain” them.  And there are very few people I can really talk to  … it seems I just don’t have very many “real” friends, and the rest are determined to tell me what to do and how to do it, etc.  I have to find my own way to go on, and I can’t live by someone else’s guidelines.  Why isn’t there anyone at all to just come visit .. in the middle of chaos if that’s where I am (and not make me feel guilty for the house not being spotless). 

I don’t know what I’m going to do today.  TGF running me into town won’t take long (and hoping she won’t mind an “extra” stop so I can pick up just a few things) …  and no idea if DSS will come work on stuff or not.  He was saying he wasn’t “into” painting type stuff.  I hope that doesn’t mean he’s decided he doesn’t want to bother with the cabinets full of various craft supplies.  I can’t seem to get him to understand that I can’t see well enough to determine what is what.  Well, if he doesn’t want to do it, I’ll either find someone else who will .. or just throw it all away.  That would be a terrible waste, but what can I do?  DH always acquired supplies for whatever projects he thought of he wanted to do .. but the vast majority of them never got used.  He just liked knowing he had them if the mood struck him to work on something.  That’s also why he kept Everything, which is becoming such a headache to sort now.  We all keep wondering “why on earth did he keep” this or that.

Odd how easy it seems to be to remember those dratted eye drops when I’ve run out of them!  Anyway, I guess I better get in the shower and find something “constructive” to do for a few hours at least.