Day 13

Day 13

Wednesday, April 10, 2014

No matter how good my intentions, I seem to spend a lot of the day wandering aimlessly around the house.  And truthfully, I’ve been doing that for a long time, it’s not “new”.  I keep saying I’m quite used to being alone .. and I am.  Yes, I’m even more alone now than before  .. not only no longer checking on or doing something for DH; but also no CNA or nurse or anyone.  But still, alone is alone.  I just never said I liked it! 

I know there are things I need to get done.  A few of them I did, just not as much as I wanted.  I tell myself just get busy, clean the house, and then I can relax knowing it’s done.  And will likely stay done since  there’s no one to mess up anything.  But, I never seem to manage.  I know part of the problem is the way mama taught me.  Now mind, I am NOT blaming my mother for my inadequacies.  She just always had more interesting things to do than clean.  So we’d rush to clean before daddy got home .. whether from work, or out of town.   What I “learned” was to have an incentive for cleaning.  But I’ve taken it to a whole new level.  I’m borderline not even caring what it looks like if someone does come over.

I’m still processing a lot of emotions I didn’t even know I had.  I can’t get past being annoyed at the hospice people.  I do understand that they can’t get emotionally attached to their patients.  And I understand that when the patients die, their job is done.  But it just doesn’t seem right to feel like a door was slammed in my face.  I feel like they failed, in the end, to give me some of the support and help they promised.  There were times when appointments here were delayed or cancelled because they were called to another patient.  On that last day, I had been told the “team” would all be here.  Well, the nurse came.  The chaplain had a sick child, which is perfectly understandable  … though it feels like even though he knew I had no specific affiliation (and would have been unable to get to church anyway), apparently once DH was gone I would no longer have any use for any spiritual  anything.  And the social worker was detained … for hous, and then just went on to her other appointments and fit me in on her way home (which by then was “too late”, and she only stayed a few minutes and had no time to give me any kind of advice … I felt like I was left totally bewildered about what I was supposed to do).  The nurse only had her usual visit, but she changed DH’s status to “actively dieing” (and I till think it’s a stupid phrase!).  And she left.  And when I had to call her several hours later, she did come quickly.  She verified what I already knew; she called the funeral home and gave them information when they arrived.  She called the supply company to come pick up their equipment.  She disposed of all the meds left in the “comfort kit” (very logical, some controlled drugs in that!).  And she left.

I did get a sympathy card from hospice.

I know, it’s MY problem, but I just felt like there should have been a bit more  downside .. at the very least a call from the chaplain, or the osical worker to advise me what steps I was going to have to take.

I guess it doesn’t help that I felt so deserted by ones I *thought* were friends.   One cousin came by .. very briefly .. that afternoon.  DH’s sister came that day.   Even the day before the service, the only ones who came here (besides my DIL, who has been a huge blessing to me) was TGF and DSS so they could meet with the pastor to discuss the service. 

After the service, DSs & crew, my brother & SIL, my sister and most of her family all came here.  An old friend who surprised me by coming from 4 hours away came to the house.  And of course DS, DIL and 2 grands were here. 

That was a very difficult day, and I was very glad to be surrounded by family. But then everyone went home.  DIL stayed and helped me run errands, make phone calls, figure out what to do.

It’s hard to explain, and I feel lik I’m just being a selfish whiny brat.  But it just really feels like the ones I thought were friends really don’t have time to be bothered … or else I have to make an appointment … or they want to decide for me what I “need” and what I should do.  I understand my SIL is grieving too, but it feels like she’s shut me off .. just won’t even come out here, and she’s only 3 miles away.  I know she’s busy, but I don’t believe she’s so busy she can’t even pick up the phone.  Well, I’m the one stuck here, can’t go anywhere  … so I don’t bother other people who obviously have things to do.

I didn’t sleep as well last night; maybe that’s why I seem to be in a grumpy mood.  I woke up around 4:00 .. which really has been normal for a long time.  I had a hard time getting back to sleep.  My stomach was growling very loudly, so I got up and got a peanut butter sandwich, and when I was still awake by 4:30 I turned the TV on.  I finally at some point went back to sleep, and then didn’t wake up until nearly 7:30.  One part of my mind thinks “so what, you have nothing that has to be done at any specific time”; and the other part is thinking I’m wasting time. 

I did finally get up, and got showered and dressed.  I’ve answered several emails.  I sort of put off writing here, because my thoughts are still so jumbled and confused.

There is still a tiny (irrational?) part of me that keeps wondering if I did something wrong???  A more rational part of me knows that (1) it’s highly unlikely; and (2) even if I unintentionally did something wrong, it was right in the end because he had been saying .. before he got past even talking .. that he was so very tired.  He told the nurse the week before that he wished God would hurry up and take him.  I think .. I Believe .. he was waiting for that last contact with his brother; and I’d like to think, though I realize it’s unlikely, that he “waited” until he knew I would not be there alone.    But I think there will always be a part of me that feels guilty for not being there with him in the end.

I need to get up from the computer and find something to do to get past getting myself all weepy again!  Knowing that sadness creeping up on me at unexpected times is completely normal does not make them any easier to deal with.  And knowing .. having known for years .. this time would come does not make it any easier either!  Gone is gone whether expected or not.

I have to keep trying to find a reason to do anything.  I feel useless and purposeless, completely unnecessary now.