Day 19

Day 19

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Yesterda, (Tuesday) was not *quite* as stressful.  There were only 2 very brief phone conversations .. otherwise all “human contact” was email.  But the certificates came.  Not to me .. to the funeral home!  It would have reduced my stress level an awful lot if they’d made that clear (and it’s not just me .. DIL was under the impression they’d be mailed to me also).  At least one thing to stop fretting about.  But today is the day for taking care of court house and bank business, and I’m a bundle of nerves.  I just don’t like having to deal with things when I have no idea what I’m doing.  Not being able to see well isn’t helping … I have this fear of having a bunch of papers shoved at me, to “read”, to sign, whatever.  I don’t know how much help DSS is going to be .. he really has no choice!  And I’m still very concerned about the whole bank business.  The bank manager cannot give me any sort of print out of the bank account without the release form from the clerk of court.  But the lady at the clerk’s office told me when I called (2 weeks ago!) that I would need to bring something from the bank as proff of how much is there.  I don’t have a bank statement .. I think the account *might* be set up paperless.  That’s another frustration.  The account was supposed to have been set up (or rather, changed last spring) to I could check it online.  But every time I tried to access it, after it was set up, it requested a “security question” to be answered .. and it was NOT a question I set it upp with.  There’s only one possible answer .. but I’ve tried several anyway, and nothing works.   It’s such a relatively small amount .. about $437 … but I NEED it to pay the April rent.  I have no way of knowing how long it will take to get my income adjusted .. but I’m willing to bet it’s nowhere near as fast as they stopped DH’s!

I know I’m getting myself stressed out again this morning, just thinking about it.  I really hate all this stuff.  And I know I’m repeating myself .. but it is SO stressful to have to deal with things when I have no clue what to do, who to see, how it will go.  And I’m a bit resentful because I was sort of under the impression that hospice would help be be prepared for all that stuff ahead of time; but that just didn’t happen.  They really did take good care of DH; and the whole point was to keep him as comfortable as possible and allow him to die peacefully at home.  That did happen.  But I still have this vague feeling that we were treated as not quite as important as other patients.  There were several times the nurse was “late”, or had to change the day she came (not that we actually knew when either of those would be) because she had to be with patients who were “actively dying”.  And yet, when she changed DH’s status  .. she merely went on her way.  And the meeting that was supposed to happen .. just didn’t.  The social worker squeezed in a quick stop at the end of the day on her way home.  And there was never a single word from the chaplain.  I’ve said it beore, and haven’t changed my opinion:  it feels like we weren’t as important as other people; he went quicker than she thought he would; and they just slammed that door shut, end of story.

I do not have time this morning to get so side tracked.  DSS will pick me up around 9:30, and we will try to get all this stuff done.  Of course, this would be the morning I didn’t wake as early .. but that’s because it turned cold!!  I did have the heat turned way back; and I slept fine, nice and warm (quilt plus cat).  But this morning I had to give in and turn it up so I can get a shower without turning blue!

I did a few random jobs around the house; but the bulk of what’s left to be cleaned or sorted is stuff I need help with.  I know there’s no need to rush through it; but it stresses me knowing it’s all sitting there.  I don’t know if it’s the stuff just sitting and waiting that bothers me, or the having to wait until someone has time and inclination to come out here and help.  It’s been made abundantly clear TGF is not going to do any more; and I think DSS has pretty much decided he’s sorted all that matters to him.  The rest is an awful lot of random stuff, and I refuse to just throw everything away without even an idea of what it is.

I guess the house is warm enough now, and I need to go on and be ready (not that I think he’ll be here on time!).  Sitting here dreading this day is not going to make it go any faster or smoother!