Day 18

Day 18

Monday, April 14, 2014

I seem to be in a new sleep pattern, not sure I’m liking it very juch.  At night no matter how hard I try I fall asleep with the TV going .. wake up sometime after he news and turn it off.  But then I wake up around 5:00 and can’t go back to sleep.  I would love to be able to sleep late (and not feel guilty about it) .. but it just doesn’t seem to happen.

For a long time back over the winter (especially with it being so cold) I was able to nap during the afternoon … but I was a lot more physically worn out then.  Now instead of napping, I just seem to pace restlessly.

Yesterday was another one of those see-saw days that are driving me crazy.  Very early in the morning the supply truck came and picked up the dialysis machine and the remaining boxes of supplies. During the late morning I had an extremely nice very long conversation with my SIL (TX).  Late in the afternoon DS actually called me .. highly unusual .. and we had a nice conversation.

It was the in between times that about drove me up the wall.  I have several pphone calls I need to make.  I have to try to find out who/what/why DH apparently subscribed to something that was coming out of our medical account.  I had asked him about it a very long time ago; so that means a huge amount of $$ was being sucked into whatever it is, and it makes me mad.  It is my own fault … I checked the account regularly; but apparently my timing was such that I never noticed that coming out.  The amounts spent were eratic (different meds being refilled at different times, plus supplies bought at random times).  Whenever the account got low, I put more into it until there wasn’t any more to put in.  And then that whatever it is hit again!  It made the account overdrawn at the worst possible time …. And I MUST find a number to try to call and get it STOPPED!   The bank can’t give me anything but a name.  I can’t even call information, because I don’t have a location.  And no matter how hard I try, I can’t enlarge my screen enough to be able to locate it by googling.

I also have a contract with an exterminator.  Technically, I think the actual original contract expired, but unless I say otherwise they continue to come every 3 months.  The man will be due in a few weeks .. I need to cancel that too.

And I really need to contact someone … I no longer care who … to pick up the pile of donations that is getting out of hand.

And to top it all off, the certificates I need still haven’t come .. and I can’t find the number for the correct office to follow up on that. 

So all of these important things that need to get done, and I can’t do anything but wait until my DIL comes on Thursday and can help me.  I did try to email TGF to see if she could look up a couple of numbers, but she never even responded to my email.  Well, it’s spring break, so I’m sure she and her kids have lots to do.  (which does not, as originally promised, include helping clean my yard … she’s decided they won’t bother until I get rid of the dogs.  I suppose I’m supposed to catch them one at a time and walk to town (it’s only about 10 miles) and take it to the shelter (and pay $20).

TGF did make it very clear way back last fall that coming out here is most inconvenient and they just can’t be doing it “all the time”.  I’m bordering on afraid to leave my cats at home alone for such a long time (9 days), because I just can’t be sure how often they’ll actually be fed.  And certainly the litter boxes won’t get cleaned.  And even though I’m looking forward to getting to visit family .. I will not get rid of my cats.  In between visits I’m still home alone the vast majority of the time, and they are company for me.  And I just love my cats.

I did have a few spurts of energy in between bouts of temper.  I sorted through some stuff the DS had put aside as “junk”.  It’s all neatly on shelves awaiting being gone through.  A lot of it may well be junk not worth keeping … but I know there are some things mexied in that at the least could be useful to someone else (to be added to the ever growing donation pile).  There’s still some paper stuff .. not a huge amount … to be sorted to make sure there isn’t anything important.  I even found some photographs in one of the plastic boxes.  Ironic that DSS put  things aside without really digging through .. because I *think* (with my limited vision, can’t be sure) they’re the kind of pictures he is looking for.

I completely cleaned off the shelf in the guest room closet, although I have a lot of stuff I don’t know what to do with.  One full (smallish) box .. of slides!!  The slide projector “died” years ago. That box may have to be just put back in the corner of a closet for now.  After 4 years, I still can’t get through a box of pictures from my parents without getting choked up.  I’m terrified that by the time I’m emotionally able to go through pictures, I’ll be too blind to see them.

I also found some art supplies I have put aside for a niece.  I’m trying to give appropriate things to people who want things .. but without just stripping all of DH away from mylife.  All the things he did … photography, models, carving, painting, even ribbon roses .. they are all an integral part of our life together, and I’m not wanting it to all disappear.  Quite a few things have already been given away .. to the point that I hid a few things to be sure I kept them.  I’m fine with sharing things like his cameras, art or craft supplies I know I’ll never touch … just not quite so much of the products of his endeavors.  I don’t want to short-change anyone who wants keepsakes.  I’m trying to find a middle ground without making anyone unhappy but without leaving myself with nothing. 

People keep telling me to “take my time” with the sorting process.  They’re not understanding that (1) the chaos makes me nervous and anxious; and (2) I pretty much have nothing else to do .. and even at that, most of what I’m doing is getting things sorted into boxes and putting them as neatly as I can on shelves to await assistance.

One small thing I was able to accomplish was to reduce my internet bill.  I had the service knocked down to a lower leel; and in addition the tech gave me a discount of $10 a month for 3 months.  He said since I mainly only use my computer for email, it won’t really effect my service.  What it would affect would be if I streamed movies or something, which I never have.  I don’t know how much it will affect (effect??) when anyone else is here using their devices … or if it will make any difference to watch Netfix.

It’s still not even daylight outside yet.  I’m wide awake .. gonna be a long day.  It isn’t raining right now, but we’ve already had a couple of rounds of hard rain.  They’re saying storms by afternoon .. which could very well mean no TV or internet.  And I can’t bring my books up on my Kindle.  It’s really going to be a LONG day.  And worst of all is the cold following the storms .. down to freezing tonight.  I’ve turned the heat way back, and I have plenty of quilts and blankets.  But like everyone else, I’m SO tired of the cold!!  I know in a few months I’ll be unhappy with the heat too (and because I have to really watch the electric bill now, I’ll have the a/c set pretty high)  But, I do have fans.

After all the conversation, and despite my anger over the suggestion, clearly I will NOT be even considering moving to that specific complex.  But, regardless of advice to not make any changes for a year … that does not take into account that sometimes there is no choice.  Right now I just don’t know what I’ll be able to do.  And there’s the added stress of knowing that now that I’m here alone (meaning no one coming out to visit or check on DH),  the ones who live closest seem to be much less inclined to be bothered with me.  A few things of mine got left in the car Sunday (i.e., she meant to send the oldest BGS out to get a bag of cat food out of the car) ..  and even though she’s on break this week, she can’t be bothered to bring it to me.  Good thing I’m not completely out yet.   But the point is, while I have no problem living “way out here” alone, I do have a problem with being “trapped” out here and no way to go anywhere.  I resent having to beg for help to take trash to the dump, or pick up eye drops, or get groceries .. or even just get out. 

If I was going to move at all, I wish I could afford the area where my one niece lives; but that’s pretty much out of my reach.  I think I’m going to be pretty much limited to income-based rentals .. and I’m not at all sure there are any of those in neighborhoods I’d be comfortable to live in.

I don’t have to worry about it this morning.  For now I have enough to struggle with just to make stupid phone calls and sort mail.  It’s finally starting to be a little light outside (hard to tell on such a dreary wet day), it’s time to get the day started.