Day 15
Friday, April 12, 2014
This has been a long day, so full of ups and downs it makes me
dizzy. I got some things done .. just
not much that is really “important”, such as cleaning. I reorganized my candles. I reset the dining table. I cleaned out two storage bags, weeded out
some sheets I don’t need, and packed away a few extra quilts and blankets. I talked to my DIL, and felt good after
that. But I never heard a word from DSS
or TGF, and then got weepy again.
Evening is the hardest I think .. maybe because that’s when I had things
to do, and now I just don’t.
I was pretty much settled in, when the phone rang. It was TGF’s mom (TM= the mom). I was glad to talk to her (she’s very nice
when she doesn’t go off her meds). But,
it quickly became apparent that the main focus of her call was to try to
persuade me to move out where she lives.
She’s in another town .. nowhere near any of my family. She lives in a “low income” complex – though to
be fair, I have seen it, and it is a nice area.
And yet.
The more I think about it, the more I get pissed off. I mentioned I would need to run the idea by
family members .. and she quickly told me TGF was all for the idea. Really. They’ve already discussed what I should do
before even mentioning it to me? That
would, of course, mean TGF could just keep MY car and never again be stuck
taking me anywhere (since everything would be in walking distance). I feel sure she thinks if I were out there
then DSS would come with her (which he now mostly refuses to do) when she goes
to see her mom. I’m not so sure … I think itwould mean I just wouldn’t see
much of DSS, except rare visits when his boys are in town. (that would also mean I wouldn’t get to see
much of the grandsons either; but I don’t expect I will anyway).
I’m being blythly told how “freeing” it is to just get rid of all
this “extra” stuff I have. As I said, I
have seen her apartment. One tiny front
room, a decent sized kitchen (which includes laundry), one fairly decent sized
bedroom, one small bedroom (and I’d have to fudge things a bit to get a 2
bedroom). I wouldn’t merely have to “downsize”. I’d have to get rid of probably 75% of my
things. MY things. How dare they tell me
I should just get rid of everything *they* don’t consider important. And I’m quite sure TGF is also wanting to be
sure I get stuck somewhere so they never have to worry about me expecting any
financial assistance from them. I wonder
if shehas already changed her mind about the promised payments on the money I’ve
loaned them over the years? It was
always said that when she finishes school and gets a job, she has to start
paying it back. And she claims she has
included that in her budget. I’m
skeptical.
But mostly I’m just angry.
I don’t care if it’s stupid. I
feel like they’re trying to just throw me away so they’re off the hook for any responsibility. I don’t mind the idea of living near TM …
although, it terrifies me to think of getting stuck in the middle of one of
their family blow-ups. They’re all
crazy!!! Yes, it would be OK to live
within walking distance of so many places (groceries, WalMart, fast food,
etc). Yes it would be nice to have a
friend to share cooking with sometimes.
Yes it would be nice to live in a well kept place with no yard
responsibility. And no doubt whatsoever
it would ease the financial burdon of supporting myself.
And yet the idea terrifies me.
And I seriously feel like I’m being railroaded, and that pisses me
off.
And I sit in the dark – because I don’t dare let the electric bill
get too high – and feel angry at DH for “leaving” me.
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