Friday, April 11, 2014

Day 15

Day 15
Friday, April 12, 2014

This has been a long day, so full of ups and downs it makes me dizzy.  I got some things done .. just not much that is really “important”, such as cleaning.  I reorganized my candles.  I reset the dining table.  I cleaned out two storage bags, weeded out some sheets I don’t need, and packed away a few extra quilts and blankets.  I talked to my DIL, and felt good after that.  But I never heard a word from DSS or TGF, and then got weepy again.  Evening is the hardest I think .. maybe because that’s when I had things to do, and now I just don’t.

I was pretty much settled in, when the phone rang.  It was TGF’s mom (TM= the mom).  I was glad to talk to her (she’s very nice when she doesn’t go off her meds).  But, it quickly became apparent that the main focus of her call was to try to persuade me to move out where she lives.  She’s in another town .. nowhere near any of my family.  She lives in a “low income” complex – though to be fair, I have seen it, and it is a nice area.
And yet.
The more I think about it, the more I get pissed off.  I mentioned I would need to run the idea by family members .. and she quickly told me TGF was all for the idea.  Really.  They’ve already discussed what I should do before even mentioning it to me?  That would, of course, mean TGF could just keep MY car and never again be stuck taking me anywhere (since everything would be in walking distance).  I feel sure she thinks if I were out there then DSS would come with her (which he now mostly refuses to do) when she goes to see her mom.  I’m not so sure  … I think itwould mean I just wouldn’t see much of DSS, except rare visits when his boys are in town.  (that would also mean I wouldn’t get to see much of the grandsons either; but I don’t expect I will anyway). 
I’m being blythly told how “freeing” it is to just get rid of all this “extra” stuff I have.  As I said, I have seen her apartment.  One tiny front room, a decent sized kitchen (which includes laundry), one fairly decent sized bedroom, one small bedroom (and I’d have to fudge things a bit to get a 2 bedroom).  I wouldn’t merely have to “downsize”.  I’d have to get rid of probably 75% of my things. MY things.  How dare they tell me I should just get rid of everything *they* don’t consider important.  And I’m quite sure TGF is also wanting to be sure I get stuck somewhere so they never have to worry about me expecting any financial assistance from them.  I wonder if shehas already changed her mind about the promised payments on the money I’ve loaned them over the years?   It was always said that when she finishes school and gets a job, she has to start paying it back.  And she claims she has included that in her budget.  I’m skeptical.

But mostly I’m just angry.  I don’t care if it’s stupid.  I feel like they’re trying to just throw me away so  they’re off the hook  for any responsibility.   I don’t mind the idea of living near TM … although, it terrifies me to think of getting stuck in the middle of one of their family blow-ups.  They’re all crazy!!!  Yes, it would be OK to live within walking distance of so many places (groceries, WalMart, fast food, etc).  Yes it would be nice to have a friend to share cooking with sometimes.  Yes it would be nice to live in a well kept place with no yard responsibility.  And no doubt whatsoever it would ease the financial burdon of supporting myself.
And yet the idea terrifies me.
And I seriously feel like I’m being railroaded, and that pisses me off.
And I sit in the dark – because I don’t dare let the electric bill get too high – and feel angry at DH for “leaving” me.

I need to try to sleep now.   Maybe tomorrow I can think about it more clearly .. obviously I’m too angry and too tired tonight

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