Day 11

Day 11

(Friday - Monday), April 5, 6, 7, 2014

After I wrote on Friday, I didn’t really try much any more.  Next time I go to DH’s house, I will take with me items to make it easier to use the computer.  But, I can’t do anything about their in-and-out internet (possibly a faulty router).]

Friday night we did not do much but watch shows on Netflix.

Saturday morning we all got up early and went to DGS13’s soccer game.  That was an odd experience to be sure.  I couldn’t really *see* the game, except I could detect when the whole blob of little boys (little?? Teenagers!!) ran as a group.  The only time I could see the ball was when one went amok and hit my leg!  Sadly, DGS wasn’t in the game very much, only a short time during each half.  (not one of the stronger players).  However .. coaches take note .. the ONLY scores the team made were achieved while he was on the field!  OK, he didn’t actually make them; but he was not riding the bench.  And they won, 2 to 0.  Just saying. J

By the time we got back, DIL was tired .. and turned out everyone except metook a long afternoon nap.  I sat in the same chair I spent most of the weekend in, and had a weepy spell.  I do not expect to not have spells like that … and I definitely don’t expect to be “entertained” every minute.  I just felt a little frustrated, because with my limited vision and not being completely familiar with their house (as in knowing where they keep things) … I couldn’t watch TV because I don’t know how to work the control for Netflix; and I couldn’t get something to eat because I simply can’t tell what is what in the kitchen. 

Late in the afternoon when DIL woke and felt better, we went to a mall.  We started out going to Michael’s looking for yarn (DIL is building up a respectable small business with her crocheted items).  Then we walked into the mall a little, and browsed through a couple of shops (she bought me a coffee mug, which got left at her house).

Saturday night they all agreed to watch a movie.  My only request was that it be funny; or at least, no creepy horror show.  We ended up watching a Godzilla movie!  It was just what I needed .. funny in the way a 56 year old movie with “special effects” would be.  It was a new experience for the kids, and hearing them laugh at how hokey it was made me laugh too.

Sunday morning everyone slept late .. except me.  But I didn’t get up, didn’t want to wake anyone.  Especially those dogs!!

Then we sat around and watched episodes of Undercover Boss for most of the afternoon.  I went with DS and kids to a frozen yogurt shop .. new experience for me.  Not eating frozen yogurt .. but the way you self serve and choose from so many options!!

Supper was late .. but then, it always is.

Monday morning once DS and the kids had all left for work and school, DIL and I got our various things put together/packed, and we left.  First a stop at DIL’s chiropractor.  Then – because it was actually getting close to noon by then – a quick trip through a drive-through for burgers and fries. 

On the way we continued to listen to an audio book .. and it’s going to be VERY hard to not continue on my own until we have time to finish hearing the book together!

We got home by early afternoon.   She made one last phone call .. one last thing to get settled (as far as I know) until I get some paperwork in the mail.  Later she went to visit her sister, who was in Raleigh on business for only a brief time.  Those few hours were the only ones I’ve had alone at home in 12 days!.  I’m VERY glad I’ve had someone here with me.  But I’m ready to face being alone now.

There are a huge number of emotions that come and go, and I have to gie myself time to work through them.  The oddest things will effect me … and yes, I already knew that.   It still sometimes happens for my parents, too.

Sitting in the living room with it quiet, and one of the dogs on the sofa gently snoring .. and the sound was way too familiar.  Sitting in the chiropractor’s waiting room, and remembering too many times to count of waiting rooms.  Sometimes just trying to talk about something will choke me up; others I can laugh.

There’s a part of me that knows this is all a normal part of the grieving process.  There’s another part of me – cynical? – that thinks I’ve been grieving over losing DH slowly for months now, I should have *accepted*  his death by now.  And yet, my mind won’t stop playing that one moment in time over and over … the sudden notice that it’s gone quiet … going into his room … he’s not breathing any more.  How long before we noticed?  Was he aware he was going and all alone while I sait in the next room over enjoying visiting with my sister and nieces?  Should I have noticed sooner?  Should I have been with him?  Would he really have known? 

That morning when the CNA (not CAN) and I started to roll him over a bit for washing, hecried out even more than usual.  It seemed very odd, because we were mostly rolling his shoulders over – not hips which was when he had been complaining of pain.  We immediately stopped; and I remember telling him several times “it’s OK, it’s all right, we won’t hurt you any more”.  The CNA called the nurse because of the noticeable change in pain, and she came out soon after.  After checking him .. and getting no real response – B/P low (though strangely, not as low as it had been a week ago).  She changed his status from “transioning” to “actively dying” (which I thought, and still think, is an oxymoron and a stupid phrase).   And ironicly, she later said she hadn’t expected him to go that fast.

I still feel like the hospice people let me down a little bit at the end.  I was under the very clear impression they would be here to help me with “plans” (although they were always asking if I had made plans rather than asking if I needed any help with making plans).  And the chaplain never called at all, which I found very strange.  I did get a sympathy card from “the team”.  I suspect a secretary automatically sends those out when a patient dies.  It’s hospice – their patients always die.  And I understand the staff can’t get emotionally involved.  I just don’t understand their utter lack of any sort of assistance or comfort when the end came.

Though I am home now, I’m not “alone”.  My DIL is here.  I love her dearly, and am glad she’s been with me and so much help.  But I feel like she’s ready to be at home, and I’m ready to deal with the reality of being here alone.  I feel like my house needs a good cleaning.  And there’s so many things to be gathered up, evaluated, and robably mostly tossed.  I need to find out when my niece is available .. world’s best at going through paperwork and declaring the majority of it “unneeded”!!  And there is a lot of it .. DH has bits of paper, old envelopes, random pieces of amil squirreled away all over the house.  He never threw away even junk mail (hmm .. sounds oddly familiar .. except his idea of “filing” was toss it in a box or a drawer).  DSS will be going through 2 large cabinets full of craft supplies; but there’s still an awful lot I have to get rid of.  I think it might be a little easier when (1) the dialysis supplies are picked up, and (2) I call ReStore to come pick up some donations (that will get some large items out of the way). 

Once everything gets cleaned, I need to rethink how I want to use rooms.  And even that feels faintly disloyal.  I think this morning is not the tme.

We will be going out to run errands this morning.  DIL is going to loan me enough to make a partial payment to the funeral home.  The man there, although nice, made a point of telling me they aae not a “financial institution”, and that they expect payment quickly.  At the time all I could think to tell him was that as soon as I could access DH’s bank account, I’d pay him $400, and the rest within 6 months.  Since a few donations have been made, she is going to add enough for it to come up to that $400.  I know some more help is coming, so I’ll wait to see what is needed. 

I’ve gone over my budget.  It’sll be “tight” of course.  But I’ll be OK.  There are some things I plan to look into that will help cut some expenses.  And just me and the cats .. won’t need much grocery money! LOL!

There are a few things to get done today, and then I believe DIL would like to head on home.  So, time to quit the mind wandering and get this day started.