Day 5

Day 5

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

This was, at least in part, a very stressful day. The morning started out calmly.  Even though I continue to wake up too early, I didn’t have to rush around to do anything or be ready for anyone.  Over the course of the morning, as DIL and I chatted, the list of “things to do”, particularly phone calls, seemed to grow.   So by afternoon I gritted my teeth, and she and I between us made most of the calls.  There is still at least one to do; but it was late in the afternoon before we even found out we need that one, so it will be made this morning.  And by the time we’d worked out way through all that, I had a headache and felt drained (and she actually made a couple of the calls on my behalf!).

The dialysis nurse, and his new assistant, came by.  They picked up a large amount of surplus supplies that they will be able to use with training, or to supplement other patients having a hard time.  I’m very glad of that – especially since he told me that all of the boxes of solution that gets picked up will actually be discarded!  I just hate such waste, even while I *sort of* understand the reasoning. 

The only other “visitors” were DSS and his boys (DSs) came by but only very briefly.  They were trying to get in some hunting before they lost daylight.  They *said* they’d come back by; but of course they didn’t.  They also said the boys would come by here today before they head home.  I have no idea what time that will be.  DIL and I have a list of errands to go take care of in the afternoon … but since the boys have such a long drive ahead, I tend to think they’ll get going earlier than we will.  At least, I hope .. I guess I’ll have to call and ask, since no one in that house seems inclined to communicate much with me.  It’s a bit of a disappointment how little I actually saw of the boys while here .. but I’m not surprised.  It’s always like thata.  They’re *his* boys, and they just don’t have much time for anyone else.

Thank goodness for DIL!  Because no one else (that’s close enough to matter) seems to particularly care if I’m here alone or not (except one friend who won’t even come if anyone else is here .. seems to want my undivided attention … and makes me feel like none of my family, friends, or even the hospice people were good enough for her to have to bother with.  OK, that’s not “fair” .. but it’s still the way I sometimes feel).

In bad times, it’s family that comes through anyway. 

SIL had said she’d come by.  Well, late in the afternoon she called.  She’d gotten busy working in her garden and lost track of time.  That’s just how it is.  She’s busy busy busy.  She’s only 3 miles down the road, and not a hint of an offer to come by to check on things here while I’m gone.  And she knows I’m uneasy about depending on TGF and DSS to do it.

Last night I fixed my “potato chip chicken” for DIL and Imyself for supper.  I used sour-cream-and-onion chips this time, and it came out very good.  We have enough to snack on today, and I will put the rest in single serving sizes into the freezer.  I even had a glass of wine (thanks to my sister!!).   I won’t even bother buying any groceries until I get back from the long weekend in NB.  

There are so many things I have to figure out.  I’m going to have to change my TV reception, so  may end up giving up some favorite shows.  I will end up with even more time on my hands; and I’m still stubborn enough to resist doing something “to keep my hands busy” just because someone (well meaning) tries to cram it down my throat.  I just don’t do well with someone trying to browbeat me into doing what *they* think I should be doing.  Anyway, truth is, I have more than enough decluttering and organizing to last me quite awhile .. especially if it is fit in around some travelling.  I know the travelling isn’t going to last “forever”.  Maybe just these first few months.  But that’s OK, I’ll still get some family visits that I’ve not been able to do for a long time .. some not ever.  After that I will cope.  I suppose eventually I will have to reconsider if I want to stay here or not.  I do love this house; and I would resent being forced to give up a lot of my things to be crammed into some tiny place (that people tend to think is “suitable” for a single old person).    But the truth is, it will get lonely.   The last year has been lonely, and that was with the hospice people coming some of the time.  Now there will be no one for most of the time, and I’m “trapped” here.    I know there are a few peole I can call; and if necessary, I will.  The hard part is where it just never occurs to anyone to *ask* if I need something, even just company occasionally.  Well, no need to borrow trouble.  I’ll just have to wait and see how things work out, and then figure out what I need to do about it.   I know I can consider moving closer to town (but NOT Benson); but I can never actually live very close to the people I care most about.  It’s a lot to think about, eventually.

The sun is out.  I know it will sound super dumb, but I’ve always felt like the year long stretch of crummy weather would be over when DH was at peace.  No logic whatsoever in that.  But .. other than an occasional spell of coler weather .. for the most part, it’s “normal” again.   Except, of course, it will be a very long time before my life is “normal”.  Then again, maybe all my rambling thoughts are a “normal” part of the grieving process.  How would I know?