Day 14

Day 14

Thursday, April 11, 2014

Definition of “unnecessary”:  useless; having no purpose; a waste of resources (dwelling food oxygen) that should go to people who are productive in some way.

“Just my two cents”.

By Thursday, I was sure the certificates would have come .. I was told 10 dayss to 2 weeks.  It’s been 2 weeks.  Maybe it’s only another “excuse”; but I’m finding it hard to concentrate on doing things I know I need to do when there are other things waiting that I can’t get done.   My mind seems to only work in some sort of sequence that I can’t seem to rearrange.  The paperwork needs to get done, and all of the stuff that stems from that (i.e., access bank account so I can pay rent; send it form to insurance so I can get refund; take a check to bank so I can make a payment to funeral home; and I don’t even remember if there’s something else, but my DIL has a list).

Then again, there’s all the *stuff* that needs to be removed from the house.  There’s a part of me that wonders if I’m in “too big of a hurry” to get rid of DH’s belongings.  But I’m not going to preserve everything and turn the house into a shrine!!  And I do honestly believe he’d be flattered at how many of his things people want and will treasure.I have to decided what direction my life is going (since obviously right now it’s not going anywhere at all).  I can’t do that while everything is so jumbled. 

I’ve told DSS he can take his time going through some things.  Actually, he’s done a very good job of going through a lot of areas (drawers and boxes) I didn’t expect, and I’m glad he did.  But there are still 2 large cabinets full of various craft supplies, and one that I’m pretty sure still has a lot of gun related stuff.  There’s no point in me trying to keep anything like that (though I have decided to hang onto a small easel (sp?) and some blank canvasses, so see if I’ve enough vision to play around with abstract color.  DSS has to sort the stuff into what he wants and what he thinks others (kids?) might want.  And then he has to get the cabinets, the gun cabinets, and a chest of drawers (TGF says she can always use more storage) out of the room.  There’s also one bookshelf that DH had picked out, but I have no “sentimental attachment” to .. perhaps DSS will want that since he has a lot of the gun books.  There’s another bookshelf that DH built many years ago .. I will be keeping that one, even though it’s a bit crude, narrow, and not overly sturdy.

There have been so many things given as “keepsakes” to various family members and friends … I’m having to be careful that no one takes things I want to keep for myself!

Yes, I know, I’m rambling.  I seem to do that in the morning when I’m trying to remember yesterday and untangle how I’m feeling.

I had 2 phone calls; and other than  some email, that was my only contact with other human beings.  That makes for a very lonely life .. but I’m used to it.  Funny, just being “used to it” does not make it any easier. 

My brother called, and I always appreciate talking to him.  He makes me laugh.  And he gives me good advice. 

I also got a call from the lady who runs my high school class yahoo group.  In theory she called to offer condolences and apologize for not seeing the obit (which was not in the paper for her to see anyway).  And then she went on and on about her recent trip.  Seemed like that’s really why she called.  It’s not like we’re close … I’ve talked to her maybe 3 times in the last 6 or 7 years!   We did not run in the same circles in high school.  I wasn’t in any “cliché” (sp?) at all.  I was painfully shy and only had one close GF (who died of cancer years ago).

I did manage a few things, but not the main cleaning I keep thinking I need to get done.    I’m trying to keep things reasonably neat .. for no reason since no one comes here any more (not that many ever did).  I don’t even have my table set.  I’ve just lost heart in doing things like that.  Why bother, I can barely see it and even if anyone does come here, they don’t care.  Apparently my dining table is only a place to drop off purses and books and junk.  (some kept doing that even when the table was all set and pretty).  

I ut up the “green” stuff, and got down a few Easter things.  Since I won’t actually be here, I felt no need to use all of it this year.  I took a few things to DIL, and picked out a few more to take.  Maybe today I’ll get the table pretty again.

I took down all the candles.  I want to get out all the boxes and get the colors sorted, and put out Easter/spring colored candles.  I think I keep putting that off because it’s so depressing that I’m having a hard time telling the colors apart … and there’s no one to help me. 

That’s the most frustrating thing of all.  I HAVE to be independent.  I have no choice.  Whether I live here or I’m forced to go somewhere else, I still need to be able to function by myself.  I will NOT live with DS .. they seriously do not have room; and DSS  .. NO WAY will I live in a house that not only doesn’t even have a kitchen, but only has one bathroom for the one female and 4 to (occasionally) 7 men who already live there. 

At times I resent even being in this position.  When DH got a lump sum retirement settlement, it was “HIS” money and he decided where it was spent.  There were bills I wanted him to pay … well, he would only make token payments but not pay anything off.  I’d had eye surgery, but his previous insurance had dumped him just before the scheduled surgery .. so I ended up with a $10000 out-of-pocket expense.  I made payments for years; but there came a time with yet another hospitalization, and I ended up getting behind.  He refused to pay it off, but gave me enough to catch up payments.  But he did give DSS huge chunks of money.  He was very secretive about it, but I suspect it was in the neighborhood of $10,000.  Plus he bought “the boat”.  And paid storage on it at the marina for several years. 

I don’t mean to be speaking ill of the dead.  I’m simply stating what happened.  He was secretive about his money, and in some ways a bit stingy .. except when it came to DSS.

When I got an inheritance (and later some retirement money, which turned out not to be nearly as much as I had been told) .. I paid off bills.  Between my eye surgery and Duke, over approximately a 3 year period I’ve paid more than $50,000.  But it’s PAID.  I do not owe Duke anything.

I won’t even admit how much I’ve given DSS and TGF.  “Given” is not the correct word since in theory they’re going to pay me back in payments as soon as TGF starts working next fall.  In actual fact, I’ll be surprised if she does, because every little thing that comes up that she didn’t budget for will take precedence over my needs. 

Some money was actually given … because on a few times I just gave DS & family an equal amount so I didn’t feel like they were getting cheated.  I absolutely HATE that I don’t have more to give them with DIL unable to work for so long, plus as much help as she’s been to me.

Yes, I did spend some just enjoying it.  I don’t regret a bit of it … I knew it wasn’t going to last forever.  But I did allow myself to have some fun while I could.  Since I didn’t know my vision would go so fast, I’m glad I had fun when I could. 

And I have a lot of “tangable” things as well.  I bought a washer and dryer, a freezer; and some pieces of furniture.  And yes, all the TVs in the house are flat screens.  (which I will probably give at least one to DGD .. she has one that doesn’t work well; the other all have their own; and I don’t need 4!!). 

I must have done something else yesterday.  Well, I did wash, dry, mostly put up a load of laundry.  I can’t stand laundry piling up (goes back to when I had to walk about 8 or so blocks to a Laundromat with my little 2 wheeled basket and a toddler in tow).  I walked out to the mailbox … VERY nice card but still no certificates.

I got email from TGF .. because she always responds when I offer her something (a chest of drawers I have no use for).  It never ever occurs to her to call or stop by the house, .. and she picks her boys up from school about 3 miles from here.  It sincerely never crosses her mind I might be lonely.  And that I can’t do anything about it way out here.

I have this re-occuring nightmare that the Mexicans next door will try to convince my landlord to make me swap houses with them. There’s one of me, five (or more) of them.  If they tried to force me out of this house I most certainly would not move into that little one … if I had to move at all it would be closer to civilization!   I wonder if they know that I had the porch built . and technically, it is NOT attached to the house!   I could have it partly disassembled and moved; and I would, too.

I need to quit just sitting here whining and get this day going.  Hopefully I can find something productive to do. Or at least get a shower and put on clean clothes .. you know … incase I’m in an accident! J