Day 14
Thursday, April 11, 2014
Definition of “unnecessary”:
useless; having no purpose; a waste of resources (dwelling food oxygen)
that should go to people who are productive in some way.
“Just my two cents”.
By Thursday, I was sure the certificates would have come .. I was
told 10 dayss to 2 weeks. It’s been 2
weeks. Maybe it’s only another “excuse”;
but I’m finding it hard to concentrate on doing things I know I need to do when
there are other things waiting that I can’t get done. My mind seems to only work in some sort of
sequence that I can’t seem to rearrange.
The paperwork needs to get done, and all of the stuff that stems from
that (i.e., access bank account so I can pay rent; send it form to insurance so
I can get refund; take a check to bank so I can make a payment to funeral home;
and I don’t even remember if there’s something else, but my DIL has a list).
Then again, there’s all the *stuff* that needs to be removed from
the house. There’s a part of me that
wonders if I’m in “too big of a hurry” to get rid of DH’s belongings. But I’m not going to preserve everything and
turn the house into a shrine!! And I do
honestly believe he’d be flattered at how many of his things people want and
will treasure.I have to decided what direction my life is going (since
obviously right now it’s not going anywhere at all). I can’t do that while everything is so
jumbled.
I’ve told DSS he can take his time going through some things. Actually, he’s done a very good job of going
through a lot of areas (drawers and boxes) I didn’t expect, and I’m glad he
did. But there are still 2 large
cabinets full of various craft supplies, and one that I’m pretty sure still has
a lot of gun related stuff. There’s no
point in me trying to keep anything like that (though I have decided to hang
onto a small easel (sp?) and some blank canvasses, so see if I’ve enough vision
to play around with abstract color. DSS
has to sort the stuff into what he wants and what he thinks others (kids?)
might want. And then he has to get the
cabinets, the gun cabinets, and a chest of drawers (TGF says she can always use
more storage) out of the room. There’s
also one bookshelf that DH had picked out, but I have no “sentimental
attachment” to .. perhaps DSS will want that since he has a lot of the gun
books. There’s another bookshelf that DH
built many years ago .. I will be keeping that one, even though it’s a bit
crude, narrow, and not overly sturdy.
There have been so many things given as “keepsakes” to various
family members and friends … I’m having to be careful that no one takes things
I want to keep for myself!
Yes, I know, I’m rambling.
I seem to do that in the morning when I’m trying to remember yesterday
and untangle how I’m feeling.
I had 2 phone calls; and other than some email, that was my only contact with
other human beings. That makes for a
very lonely life .. but I’m used to it.
Funny, just being “used to it” does not make it any easier.
My brother called, and I always appreciate talking to him. He makes me laugh. And he gives me good advice.
I also got a call from the lady who runs my high school class
yahoo group. In theory she called to
offer condolences and apologize for not seeing the obit (which was not in the
paper for her to see anyway). And then
she went on and on about her recent trip.
Seemed like that’s really why she called. It’s not like we’re close … I’ve talked to
her maybe 3 times in the last 6 or 7 years!
We did not run in the same circles in high school. I wasn’t in any “cliché” (sp?) at all. I was painfully shy and only had one close GF
(who died of cancer years ago).
I did manage a few things, but not the main cleaning I keep
thinking I need to get done. I’m
trying to keep things reasonably neat .. for no reason since no one comes here
any more (not that many ever did). I don’t
even have my table set. I’ve just lost
heart in doing things like that. Why
bother, I can barely see it and even if anyone does come here, they don’t
care. Apparently my dining table is only
a place to drop off purses and books and junk.
(some kept doing that even when the table was all set and pretty).
I ut up the “green” stuff, and got down a few Easter things. Since I won’t actually be here, I felt no
need to use all of it this year. I took
a few things to DIL, and picked out a few more to take. Maybe today I’ll get the table pretty again.
I took down all the candles.
I want to get out all the boxes and get the colors sorted, and put out
Easter/spring colored candles. I think I
keep putting that off because it’s so depressing that I’m having a hard time
telling the colors apart … and there’s no one to help me.
That’s the most frustrating thing of all. I HAVE to be independent. I have no choice. Whether I live here or I’m forced to go
somewhere else, I still need to be able to function by myself. I will NOT live with DS .. they seriously do
not have room; and DSS .. NO WAY will I
live in a house that not only doesn’t even have a kitchen, but only has one
bathroom for the one female and 4 to (occasionally) 7 men who already live
there.
At times I resent even being in this position. When DH got a lump sum retirement settlement,
it was “HIS” money and he decided where it was spent. There were bills I wanted him to pay … well,
he would only make token payments but not pay anything off. I’d had eye surgery, but his previous
insurance had dumped him just before the scheduled surgery .. so I ended up
with a $10000 out-of-pocket expense. I
made payments for years; but there came a time with yet another
hospitalization, and I ended up getting behind.
He refused to pay it off, but gave me enough to catch up payments. But he did give DSS huge chunks of
money. He was very secretive about it,
but I suspect it was in the neighborhood of $10,000. Plus he bought “the boat”. And paid storage on it at the marina for
several years.
I don’t mean to be speaking ill of the dead. I’m simply stating what happened. He was secretive about his money, and in some
ways a bit stingy .. except when it came to DSS.
When I got an inheritance (and later some retirement money, which
turned out not to be nearly as much as I had been told) .. I paid off
bills. Between my eye surgery and Duke,
over approximately a 3 year period I’ve paid more than $50,000. But it’s PAID. I do not owe Duke anything.
I won’t even admit how much I’ve given DSS and TGF. “Given” is not the correct word since in
theory they’re going to pay me back in payments as soon as TGF starts working
next fall. In actual fact, I’ll be
surprised if she does, because every little thing that comes up that she didn’t
budget for will take precedence over my needs.
Some money was actually given … because on a few times I just gave
DS & family an equal amount so I didn’t feel like they were getting
cheated. I absolutely HATE that I don’t
have more to give them with DIL unable to work for so long, plus as much help
as she’s been to me.
Yes, I did spend some just enjoying it. I don’t regret a bit of it … I knew it wasn’t
going to last forever. But I did allow
myself to have some fun while I could.
Since I didn’t know my vision would go so fast, I’m glad I had fun when
I could.
And I have a lot of “tangable” things as well. I bought a washer and dryer, a freezer; and
some pieces of furniture. And yes, all
the TVs in the house are flat screens.
(which I will probably give at least one to DGD .. she has one that
doesn’t work well; the other all have their own; and I don’t need 4!!).
I must have done something else yesterday. Well, I did wash, dry, mostly put up a load
of laundry. I can’t stand laundry piling
up (goes back to when I had to walk about 8 or so blocks to a Laundromat with
my little 2 wheeled basket and a toddler in tow). I walked out to the mailbox … VERY nice card
but still no certificates.
I got email from TGF .. because she always responds when I offer
her something (a chest of drawers I have no use for). It never ever occurs to her to call or stop
by the house, .. and she picks her boys up from school about 3 miles from
here. It sincerely never crosses her
mind I might be lonely. And that I can’t
do anything about it way out here.
I have this re-occuring nightmare that the Mexicans next door will
try to convince my landlord to make me swap houses with them. There’s one of
me, five (or more) of them. If they
tried to force me out of this house I most certainly would not move into that
little one … if I had to move at all it would be closer to civilization! I wonder if they know that I had the porch
built . and technically, it is NOT attached to the house! I could have it partly disassembled and
moved; and I would, too.
I need to quit just sitting here whining and get this day going. Hopefully I can find something productive to
do. Or at least get a shower and put on clean clothes .. you know … incase I’m
in an accident! J
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