Day 12

Day 12

Tuesday, April 9, 2014

I had one last “busy” day with my DIL.  We got to a slow start, but then got several more things done.  She went through a folder on the computer for me to sort out things I hadn’t been able to determine if they were important.  Most wasn’t! LOL!  She also helped me get a phone bill sorted  I had thought it was on autobillpay.  Turns out it wasn’t .. the notices I was getting weren’t telling me it was paid, but what I owed. Discouraging and frightening; but it’s corrected now and paid.  (I know it was suggested a long time ago I use Quicken .. but I was never able to get it to connect with my bank account).  I do try very hard to keep up .. I have a budget on a spreadsheet, month by month; and I check the bank account frequently. 

DIL also looked up some information so I can (try to) handle a few things on my own .. for example, see if I qualify for Meals on Wheels (chances are I do . but that I live in a “poor county” and too far from town for any driver to be bothered). 

After dealing with computer stuff, we did a quick mail check, then went out.  She made a payment to the funeral home .. I will pay that back (she’s on long term disability, and I know their budget is tight.  She’s the one person who has done the most to help me out, and I won’t let it cost her if I can help it).  The man at the funeral home had really pressured me about how much I was going to pay right away, and how quickly they’d be paid (he pointed out that they are not a “financial institution”).  A few donations had come in, and she made up the difference to what I’d said I would come up with.  I was counting on DH’s checking account (and had told the man I’d have to wait for the DC to access the account).  But, truth is, I will need that money to pay this month’s rent.  Once my SS check is adjusted, I’ll be OK.

I’m trying very hard not to let it all worry me.  Things will work out.  There are things I can do to cut expenses here a bit more I think.  And moving doesn’t seem to be a very good otion, since I’d have a hard time finding a decent place to live .. pets allowed .. for what I ay here.

Anyway.  After the payment was made, we went and got pedicures!  Oh how nice that was .. it had been more than 8 months!!  And yes, I know, “normal” people don’t get regular pedicures, especially those on fixed incomes.   I just have a very hard time reaching my toes .. so will have to train the cats to chew on them! J

We made a stop at the grocery store for a few things … I didn’t need much, and shouldn’t need a trip to a grocery store for at least a week; if I’m careful, what I have in the house (plenty in the freezer) will last me until I go to NB again at Easter.

My DIL loaded up and went on home after we put up groceries.  So, for the first time, I am completely alone. 

I have a huge list of things I want to get done,  with a great many of them to be done before Easter (because I need an incentive!).  My “plan” is to start right away with a routine.

Well, I suppose it’s a “sort of” routine to wake up by 5:00.  Last night I fell asleep before the end of NCISLA .. woke up enough to turn off the news.  So no surprise I woke so early.  It was raining and I would have loved to go back to sleep; but alas, not to be.

So sitting and writing with my first cup of coffee is my new routine.

Nothing really feels real yet.  It’s a sort of advantage that I was “alone” so much already .. so getting up at odd times is normal.  Knowing I don’t need to be “quiet” is not.  It feels off to not keep going back to check on DH.  I guess it’s a good thing the medical supply company picked up their equipment so quickly, because my mind keeps replaying the last time I saw him … he looked exactly the same as he had the last few days.  Except he wasn’t breathing any more.  And it still just doesn’t feel real.

One especially nice thing happened last night.  I used to hire a lady to help me clean house once a month.  That was when I was still working part time of course.  She’s a very nice lady, and I was very happy with what a good job she did.  Plus, several times instead of cleaning she would help me with other things .. like organizing cabinets, and cleaning the attic.  The last time (January) she had mentioned the possibility of coming back in April to help clean the porch and yard.  I emailed her to let her know why she’d not heard from me, and let her know I no longer would be able to pay her to come help.  She wrote back that she will come help me with the porch at no charge, just because that’s what friends do!    I find it amazing that she would consider me a friend rather than cutomer and offer to help … and yet people I *thought* were friends have been nowhere to be found.

I do have one friend who is waiting for me to say I’m not busy and wanting company.  But I won’t be “not busy”, because there is a lot of cleaning I’m behind on as well as sorting DH’s stuff (and no hurry on that!  DSS is handling the craft supplies, but a lot more I have to deal with).  If someone wants to come visit, I will stop what I’m doing;  I’m not especially willing to clear my calendar and “make an appointment”.  And I don’t even know why I’m fretting about it  Company is welcome; but based on the last few months, I don’t particularly expect any.  Even my SIL .. right down the road … can scarcely find time to come here.  But in her case, I don understand she is grieving for her brother, and it may be hard for her to come here for awhile.

Today is Wednesday.  It’s my brother’s birthday, I must remember to at least email him … I’ve long since given up trying to send cards.  As frustrating as it is, I simply cannot hand write anything because I (literally) can’t see what I’m writing. (I’ve gotten very good at signing my name as long as someone puts a finger exactly where I need to put the pen to start .. and I have no choice but be very trusting about what I’m signing!).

I’ve missed my BIL’s birthday, must email him too.  I have several thank yous to take care of, and I really hope people won’t be offended by email instead of hand written notes.  Anything I don’t have email for will wait until DIL can help me when I go to their house for Easter (for a week).

I don’t know where today is going; but  since I’ve now been up nearly 2 hours, and accomplished nothing more than 2 cups of coffee (oh, and I did dismantle a flower arrangement so I can give SIL back her implements) .. I guess if I want to get myself into a routine and have something to show for my time, I’d best go on and get started!