Day 45

Day 45

Monday, May 12, 2014

Parts of the day were really good .. the best part being a long phone conversation with a SIL.  I loved hearing about my niece’s and nephew’s current events, as well as what she and my brother have been doing. 

That was the only person I talked to at all, so the rest of the day was quiet.  I did find a few little spurts of energy … or maybe it was just resignation … and went through several of the boxes of *stuff*  that were just sitting on the hall shelves waiting.  A lot of things got put in the trash; I hope nothing that shouldn’t have been.  But, after all, it was the best I could do.   I also sorted those years worth of medical supplies.  How many rolls of  tape does a person really need???  So I let go of a lot of it (donation box).  I still have a small baggie of things I’ll need help with to decide  what to do with.  But, there’s a lot more empty space on the shelves.

I also consolidated some boxes of paer stuff into one bigger box.  I can’t go through that without help, but I’m at least trying to get it more in one place.

I also have a huge frustration to deal with now.  My computer is having issues.  The word doc I’ve been using apparently got tired.  It refused to “paste”, which is the only way I can read email (by enlarging a lot more than is readable in the email program).  I finally deleted the document, and created a new one …. Don’t know yet if that’s going to work.   But my email program is also doing weird things.  I normally keep things in folders … but now it won’t let me move  anything.  The “move to” command won’t work, and I tried just “sliding” things over .. that won’t work either.  I suspect the computer needs a “clean up”; but I can’t see well enough to find the right commands.  And no one else has time to be bothered with it right now.  I *think* I still have a contract with Geeks, but I’m not sure.  And anyway, I don’t have any way to take the computer all the way to Garner.  And worse, if I had to leave it I’d not only be without any communication,  I’d have to have a way to go back to get it.

For the time being I’ll just limp along as best I can and hope for the best. 

Last night I actually stayed awake (mostly) through a 10:00 show; but woke up just before 5:30 anyway.  For some odd reason, one foot gets achy, and I get restless.  But, I turned on the TV and dozed off and on for nearly 2 more hours.  And I wish I  could get past feeling like I’m wasting part of the day by sleeping “late”!  It’s not like I have anything to do, or any kind of time line to do  what little I do have.  I always want to go on and shower and dress .. and then open the doors.  If anyone shows up at my door, I’m decent and the house is presentable.  Only, no one shows up any more.  And there’s absolutely no reason at all why I should think anyone would.  This is what I keep telling myself that I need to get used to.  I have to depend on myself; I’m not anyone else’s responsibility.  I expect to be sad at times.  And it’s OK to feel lonely sometimes.  But this is the way it is for now, and I HAVE to learn to live with the way my life is.  I don’t have to feel like it will be like this forever; but first I have to learn to be alone and content with it.  Then I can figure out what comes next.

For now, I have an eye doctor appointment tomorrow.  Next week I will have a few days in NB for the kid’s end-of-school concerts.  Then only another week until my long-awaited camping trip.  From that, less than 2 weeks to the day trip … that will be very hard, but I think I .. and the boys .. need the closure.  Nothing specific is planned past that, but there are lots of possibilities.  For now, I know perfectly well I CAN manage .. on my own (mostly) … for a week or two at a time between “events”.

It’s getting late now.  The later it gets, the hotter it gets.  I have my a/c set on about 80, which for the most part (with fans) is fine.  But during the afternoon it does get warm.  Rather than run the a/c too much, my goal is to get any “active” things done early in the day.  So, I need to go get a shower and get the rest of the day started.