Day 41

Day 41

Thurday, May , 2014

Another day with an odd mixture of being draggy and lethargic, interspursed with bouts of energy.  Part of it, of course, is the heat.  I don’t mind heat nearly as much as cold; but I don’t cope well with extremes either way.  The biggest problem is that I HAVE to get the electric bill down to a manageable amount, so I am avoiding running the a/c.  Ican’t tell, of course, where it’s set; but I’m thinking around 80 or so.  It was actually fine most of the day .. oddly, in the late evening it got more uncomfortable.  But, I have a small fan I turned on.

I did finally get the kitchen mopped.  I have hopes of getting more cleaning done today.  I also got a load of laundry done.  I moved some small items (furniture) around a bit.  And, I worked a little more on consolidating some of the stuff that is so scattered, waiting to be either sorted, or boxed up to go to DSS’s house (to be sorted).

In the late afternoon I *thought* I had gotten that “extra” cat out … but then, late in the evening … there he was.  I swear he was laughing at me. L  It’s very depressing now.  I don’t know how I will ever get him out, because I can’t see well enough to tell where he goes.  Even if I flush him out of a hiding place, I can’t see where he goes.  Yesterday I really thought he had gone into the back hall, and I shut the door … obviously he didn’t.  Or else he found a Really good hiding place in the back bathroom, because that’s the only door that was open (and I did try checking it).  It is so frustrating and discouraging.

Some days are harder than others dealing with the loss of vision.  That cat in the house is making it worse.  I know there are blind people who cope just fine.  But I’m not “blind” … I don’t even know if I qualify as “legally blind”.  But I can’t drive, I can’t read.  I can’t find a stupid cat hiding in my house. I can’t even read my own mail … and no one really has time to be bothered with it.  And even when someone does, it’s beyond frustrating to have to just save it up for a week or more at a time (and then someone flips through it all in less than a minute and tells me it’s nothing I need to deal with .. without bothering to tell me what it is!) Since I can’t drive, I’m stranded (which I bitterly resent since I *own* a car) … totally dependant on someone else’s schedule or plans to get anywhere.  If I lived somewhere that stores were within walking distance … how safe would that be?  I trip over curbs or steps, or walk into short objects like fences or posts (or if I’m looking down, walking into low hanging tree branches).  If I had to cross a road, I could tell if traffic was coming; but I couldn’t tell what color a traffic light is.

Well, for now it doesn’t matter.  This is where I am, and as long as I can squeak by on my restricted budget , this is where I stay.  During the day (after being asked yet again by someone else) I pondered the whole moving question … wrote down my thoughts below.

In the evening I had a very odd “visit”.  It was right at dark, and I already had my doors closed.  I never opened the storm door; perhaps I should have, but I didn’t.  It was the neighbor lady, the 2 younger girls, the toddler, and another lady.  She introduced herself as the school nurse and that she was taking Spanish lessons from the lady (seems to me it ought to be the other way around!!).  She came over to “interpret” … NL wanted me to know how sad she was for me for my loss.  (she actually had managed to convey that to me the one day just she and the toddler came over, while the guys were outside wrecking my yard).  The nurse chatted a bit about inconsequential stuff.  They noticed 2 tiny kittens on the porch (I knew they were there).  She said if I need anything to let the neighbors know.  Right, I’ll do that.  Probably not.  They make me uncomfortable, though I’m not really sure why.  It might just be the language barrier.

One of my stray cats (outside) obviously had a litter, but only 2 kittens.  The boys discovered them a few days ago, inside the “cat tree house” on the porch.  We started handling them immediately, with the goal of them not turning out to be so wild and terrified of people.  The boys were concerned that they would fall out of the tree house, as they were starting to move around some.  Clearly, who ever mama is had the same concern, since yesterday late afternoon (AFTER I *thought* I had the cat out of the house) she moved them to the wood porch.  I guess she feels safe right up against the door.  If they’re still there later this morning, I’ll have to watch Butter very closely to make sure he doesn’t try to hurt the babies.  He mostly ignores the other cats; and there have been no fights that I know of.

Most people who know me know that one of my very favorite shows is American Idol.  Some years I follow more closely than others.  This year started out so-so, but I’ve been drawn in more as the number of contestants dwindles.  Another NC young man is still in the top 3 (as of last night) … and I’m really very impressed with his singing (which is a bit strange, I’m not so much into rock .. but I’ve loved his renditions of some oldies).  So anyway, that was the highlight of my evening.  I tried to watch a show at 10:00, but of course dozed off and missed big chunks of it.

It seems that, barring any unusual circumstances, my body just naturally wants about 7 hours of sleep.  Some mornings when I wake up I feel like I don’t want to get up; but once I wake, I get restless quickly if I don’t get up.  When I’m not at home it’s sometimes awkward or frustrating  .. those are times when having a book to pick up (with headphones) is a good thing!  But at home, like today, I tend to get up around 6:00 .. give or take up to half an hour.  As we get into hot days, that’s not a bad thing since I am more likely to get things done early, before it gets too hot.  I guess I’ll wait until the darkness of winter to sleep late.

For now, it’s time to get the day going.

Below are some of my random thoughts on the subject of moving.  I have not “edited” anything … I rarely do, as it’s too hard to read.  It is what it is .. and reading anything I try to write is, as always, totally optional!

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For some reason, the concept of moving seems to be on everyone’s mind lately.  I have been advised .. by the person who’s advice I value implicitly above all others .. to not make any “big” changes for at least a year. It’s good advice, which I will take if I am able (keeping in mind that a move could conceivably not be my choice,).  But I don’t really understand why so many people keep talking about and asking me about moving.

So, looking at this question, I ask myself .. if I had to move, where would I go?  To start with, if would have to be somewhere I could afford.  That pretty much limits me to places in worse shape than this old house; or possibly government owned cardboard (income based rental) apartments.  And being just one person, would likely not be allowed but one bedroom .. meaning forget any hope of ever having grands come to visit because I’d have no room.  And pets?  What of my cats?

If I were to move, I’d want to be near friends or family … otherwise, why not just stay out here in the middle of nowhere by myself.

I have friends in Apex, Salisbury, Mebane.  Mann’s Harbor too, though I’d rather move west than east.  And I have family in far flung different locations … and more than likely, I wouldn’t be able to afford housing anywhere close to any of my family members.  In which case, what would be the point?

The only family I don’t want to live closer to would be either Benson or Smithfield  .. and truly, I don’t want to live where I would be frequently drawn into satellite family dramas.

I also need to consider that I would need to live within walking (or bus) distance of things like a grocery store and a drug store.  I’m not sure how safe walking would be with my vision issues; but in any case, the places near shopping areas seem to be mostly high class apartments and condos.  Definitely not in my price range!

I realize I don’t need a house this big (although I think it is grossly unkind that some people think it should be perfectly OK for me to give up EVERYTHING and live in a tiny apartment, maybe even a studio).  What “rule” says that when you get to a certain age, and become a widow, suddenly you’re no longer a person who’s wants or needs matter.  Well, they matter if you have money in the bank and own property.  But if you don’t, then you have no rights I guess.

But, as I said, I don’t need this big a place.  So I’ve stopped using one room.  Even though I’ve been purging and giving away stuff like crazy .. all the other rooms are still quite full.  Even though it’s getting harder to see anything, I still enjoy having pretty things in my home.  Don’t most people fill their homes with the things they most enjoy?  It doesn’t matter if there’s just one really great thing or a zillion.  The point is, everyone has *things* that mean something, and I don’t feel like I should be forced to give up mine because someone else doesn’t like where I live.  Or because I’m an inconvenience. 

And I don’t want to live in a place where I’m afraid I’ll end up being taken advantage of (“run down the road and ask grandma if she has some milk”  or bread.  Or whatever).

So what would be my “dream” home?  Most of my life I’ve “designed” houses .. floor plan drawings.  If I won the lottery, or PCH, or something, I’d love to get my “dream house” plan made into a real blueprint.  But build it?  No, it’s not a house for a single person.

I would like an apartment or cono, at least 2^nd floor; higher if there’s an elevator.  But no more than maybe 5^th floor.  I would want 2 bedrooms; a large living room (or separate dining room), and a big eat in kitchen.  It would need laundry hookups; and a decent sized storage locker on premisis.  I would want a large balcony; and a screened in porch would be even better.   A view wouldn’t really matter of course.  Just so it’s located close enough to places to go, things to do, and easy for me to get around.  Well, actually, I suppose if I had money, I could take taxis .. in which case, I think I’d like to be in a gated community.  One that had a swimming pool, and other amenities that my grandchildren would be allowed to use.

Well, I’m not likely to win anything.  So I’ll just keep slogging along here as best I can.  I will continue to “downsize” some, but the bulk of what I can (or will) do is done.  I will continue to purge a little at a time .. some things because I realize I just don’t use them (or at least don’t any more); other things because over time my tastes change.