Day 36

Day 36

Friday, May 2, 2014

The workmen showed up early in the morning, and were here most of the day.  My yard looks so ugly now.  I’m so sad; but … I have no right to complain about what the landlord does (or has done) to his property when I’m unable to maintain it myself.  But I truly do not understand why the level of destruction.  It wasn’t enough to chop every single shrub around the house .. and around the pump house … and a few that weren’t near anything … all the way down to the ground.  Then they went back over the areas with the weedeater … even mowed down all the irises, either blooming or about to do so.  They even chopped off a clematis in a pot!

My SIL got here around 10:00, and went out and yelled at them to not dare touch anything inside the planter boxes beside the driveway.  I have no idea if they would have or not, but they didn’t touch those .. so a rose, a poplar tree, and a (small) wisteria are “safe”.  Also anything planted in with them (not sure what, but I think some irises, and some daisies in one box).  They also cut down a pecan tree off the back side .. I have no idea what was the problem with that.  But at least they didn’t cut down the entire line of trees and large bushes.

They made a big pile of what appears to be junk that they moved away from the back of the house when they cut everything.  That’s embarrassing .. I’d been trying for years to get DSS to let me use the trailer (that belonged to DH to start with!!) so I could haul off trash.  But he always had excuses .. it was full of something or other, it was being used … so my yard never got really well cleaned when I could see what I was doing.  Now I’m stuck having to get someone else to do it, or help me do it, and I don’t even know what all that junk is.  As far back as I can remember, DSS has considered our home (meaning where DH and I lived, not necessarily where DSS lived at any given time) an appropriate place to just dump *stuff*.  Not that I’m saying that’s all of the junk.  Some was DH’s too. And some was just random stuff that accumulated.  At one time, when I had a friend who actually helped me do stuff, it was mostly consolidated at the back of the house.  I still want it gone.  But I did tell the landlord that DSS said he’d bring the truck and trailer next week (true story) and haul off all the stuff from the back and the porch that needs to go.

I haven’t heard from the cleaning lady yet who said she’d come help me finish cleaning the porch.  I can’t wait for her, there’s still a lot of trash and junk that the boys “missed”. The forecast is for it to be sunny by this afternoon, so maybe I’ll try to get at least some of the trashy stuff either bagged or put in the trash cans.

My SIL got here about 10:00, and after yelling at the guys in the yard we decided it would be best to just leave.  We headed to town, and made a quick stop at the little shop in town that I love.  She had never been in there.  Then we headed for the grocery store; but on the way we came to the new location of my favorite thrift store, so stopped in there.  Unfortunately, with “improved” space evidently comes higher rent .. because the place had a much higher class look to it, and prices to match.  I won’t be shopping there again I think.  We went on to the grocery store.  I didn’t have a list; but SIL was very good at going isle by isle and reading out what was there so I could say if I needed something or not.  I did get some of the “junk” food I love .. but I think I was fairly restrained, knowing it has to last.  I was way under my budget, and shouldn’t need anything for a couple of weeks.  Hopefully, anyway!

After we got the groceries put away, SIL went on home.  I could hear the chain saws going for a long time .. cutting down te tree, and then moving it.  And the big bull dozer did something in the driveway next door, at least that what it seemed like.  I found that irritating .. several years ago I spent way too much on some truckloads of a sand/gravel mix to try to improve the driveway.  Since I couldn’t get it actually graded, my effort was a waste of money … grass even grew back worse than it had been before.  So for the dips in their side of the drive to get worked on seemed unfiar.  But to be fair (though I don’t want to be), the guy next door was probably only doing it himself before he had to return the equipment.  But he could have smoothed my ned as well. (

The rest of the afternoon I mostly just listened to a book.  No, I didn’t clean anything.  I’m So good at excuses my own self.  This afternoon TGF and the boys will come by to see if they can help flush out the stray cat that I *think* is still in the house. The boys also need to pick up a game that, when they were told not to have on the floor (because I can’t see the pieces and step on them), they only pushed it off to one side.

Tomorrow TGF is taking me to a pperformance of “Oliver” at the local little theater.  She says the boys don’t want to go … of course, if she’s wrong, my invitation could get cancelled.  I won’t hold my breath.  It would be fun, but I’ll just wait and see what happens.  I don’t know what time (evening or matinee?), so don’t know if I’ll have time for anything on Sunday. 

That leaves me Monday to do a quick “sweep” of the house to see if there’s anything else to add to the donation pile, including upstairs.  Someone will come Tuesday to pick up the stuff.  I’d really like, for a change, to not have a growing pile of stuff to get rid of.

For a brief time last night .. before settling in to go to sleep … I had both the TV and my book off.  And it was Sooooo quiet.  I hadn’t realized how much ambient noise came from the bushes brushing up aginst the house.

I’m not really afraid to be here alone, I never have been.  At times I feel edgy or nervous .. but I think I would anywhere.  It’s just something I have to learn to deal with.  I hope it will be a very long time before I’m not able (physically or financially) to be on my own.  After leaving school and going to work, I briefly had a little apartment .. and talked my BFF into sharing it.  After she moved back home, I moved back to my parent’s house.  From there I moved in with my grandmother; and then got married; and then had a child to raise.  He was 8 when I married DH (who later adopted my son).  So .. I’ve never really lived alone, and without any responsibilities to any other person.  It’s very weird.  It also doesn’t feel “real” yet.  DH was in and out of hospitals to many times, that I’ve actually spent a lot of time here literally alone.  And for his last year, he got to where he spent more and more time sleeping .. so it felt “alone” even when it wasn’t.  So the feeling of being alone is familiar.  I just can’t completely wrap my head around DH being gone.    I always vaguely feel like I’m waiting for something.  I think maybe I need to start giving serious thought to finding a time to take him to the Outer Banks .. maybe I just need that “final good bye”.  But I get choked and weepy when I start thinking about it, so haven’t even tried yet to find a date that suits others.  I want to wait until school is out so that any of the grands that want to go will be able.  And I don’t even know when school is out.

Perhaps I’ll think about that next week.  After the donation stuff is gone and then I get the house clean.

I suppose I should go on and get this day started.  I wish I could just sleep late; but it just doesn’t happen.  At least I’m not waking up in the middle of the night.  For a while I thought if I slept past 6:00 .. 7:00 at the latest .. I was wasting daylight and should be up and doing stuff.  Now there doesn’t seem to be much point .. it only makes the day longer.  I know there are lots of things I need to do, and things I could be doing.  There just doesn’t seem to be much reason to bother.  I have no motivation.

I guess there have just been way too many cloudy days (coupled with destroying my yard).  I need to get a shower, start some laundry, put away the Easter stuff, and work on getting the porch more presentable (piles of empty pots or dead plants isn’t very appealing .. but I need to get everything cleaned up before I work on potting up some new plants.)  Maybe if I can get the porch looking decent today, tomorrow I can ask TGF to take me by Wal-Mart for some petunias.  That’s my favorite plant .. maybe some flowers will make me feel happier.

And with that as my goal, I will get this day going.