Day 36

Day 36

Saturday, May 3, 2014

I wonder when .. if .. I will learn that there are some people who just can’t be counted on.  Sometimes they do what they say they wil.  And sometimes they don’t.  And that’s just the way it is.  In my case, I’m simply not a priority.  That’s fine.  But I don’t understand why a little bit of communication is asking so much.

So anyway, Saturday was a quiet day.  I did do a bit of work on the porch in the morning, but not nearly what I thought I would do.  If I can get myself out early enough in the morning, I can manage.  Once the sunlight (although never any direct sun) gets to the porch, it gets so bright that it’s difficult.  And that sounds like I just never go outside .. not true.  Something about the way it reflects … and maybe it’s nothing more than being too hard to face the bare ugliness out there.

Whatever, I need to get it done.  I don’t know when (if actually if) the lady will contact me about helping.  And I can’t let things just sit and wait.  And yet, I’m having a hard time making myself go out and take care of it. 

I have noticed that if a person whines and begs and wheedles, they can often get what they want.  But I’ve never been very good at that.  I’m fine with whining .. here.  But I more often than not will try to put on a “cheerful face” and say everything is fine when asked.  I don’t like to have to “beg” for help.  I guess I expect to be asked if I need anything … but the ones that could help are the ones who not only don’t ask, they make sure I know how busy and unavailable they are. 

I do not like myself when I grumble.  But I get so sad and then can’t help it.  I assume this is all part of the process of adjusting to my “new life”.  It seems unfair to have to adjust to being alone and losing my vision at the same time.  Well, no one ever said life was fair.

I did get a load of laundry done, and mostly put away.  I went through a drawer and weeded out a few more things for the donation boxes.  I found a pretty pair of lace curtains, so changed out the ones in the bathroom.  That window is narrow and a bit odd.  It looks out over the corner where another room sticks out, and a corner of the hvac unit.  There used to be shrubs in that corner that screened the window, giving it some privacy but letting in light.  No more.  I used to open up the shutters on the bottom half.  So I changed to the sheer curtains, and opened the blinds slats on the top.  It’s not as much light, but better than none while maintaining privacy.

I gathered up most of the Easter decorations, but haven’t gotten down the box for them yet.  I pulled out the few candles that need to be changed, but haven’t replaced them either.  I have to pull out all the candle boxes to determine what colors are in them so I can exchange them; and I just haven’t bothered yet.   It seems a bit silly to “decorate” when I can’t see well enough to enjoy; and no one else seems to notice.  Well, “no one” is mostly TGF or my SIL.  My DIL does notice; but she lives too far away to just drop in or take me to run errands.  As seems to be typical, the “visitors” have slacked off a lot.  Wait.  What visitors?  My DIL stayed with me the first week after DH passed away, and then took me to her house for a weekend.  From that time, it’s not been visiting, so much as just taking me back and forth to their hous.  My SIL did finally come over, but not until a project was finished .. so I didn’t even hear from her until this week.  TGF .. she stopped by the day of the storms.  She hasn’t come by to “visit” at all.  One person I thought was a friend has deserted me altogether.  Another is too far away for “casual visiting”.  The rest of my family all live too far away and/or have very busy lives.

And yes, I’m whining again.  I have to learn to live alone.  Period.  I can’t expect anyone to just pop over and “keep me company”.  It doesn’t work that way.

It would be nice if I could afford an apartment in a nice retirement community.  But that will not happen.  When I am forced out of here, I’ll most likely be stuck with an income-based rental public housing.  Which means a crappy cardboard one bedroom with bugs, noisy neighbors, no pets and I doubt I’d even feel very safe. 

I need to get in the shower and find something to do.  And not *think* so much.  There’s at least a small chance that TGF will come over after church (that is, if she bothers to get up in time for church .. seems to be about 50/50 on that).  She invited me to a play at the local little theater .. but never told me what time.  Actually, what she said was someone had given her 4 tickets; and since she didn’t think her boys were interested, she had to find people to give the tickets to!  Well, not exactaly an “invitation”! LOL!  But if she is wrong and her boys want to go, then I wouldn’t get to .. I can’t even guess how that will go.

If I don’t hurry up and get out of this pity-party-pool, I won’t even need a shower.