Day 62

Day 62

Thursday, May 29, 2014

A quick review: Monday TGF took me to a store to get some cold capsules.  I know, a cold will last as long as it lasts; but the miseries can be controlled!  DIL got to my house in the early evening, and we just had a relaxing evening.

Tuesday TGF came by and just visited.  I finished up the things I needed to get done in the house (making sure all trash was bagged; filling cat’s water bottles; last minute laundry; etc.).  DIL and I loaded up the car and left abound 2:45 or so.  We made a quick stop by the PO, then went to DSis’s house.   We transferred everything to her car, and she drove us to DB’s house.  On the way DSis and I had a very interesting conversation about apartments and the feasibility of moving  There’s a lot to think about!  We were late getting to DB’s house because of heavy traffic back up (apparently from an accident).  He took us all out for pizza.  Yum! 

Wednesday morning DSis took DIL to her appointment, then came on back to DB’s to wait to hear from DIL.  About 11:30 she was done, so DSis left to take them both back to her house.  From there, DIL drove on home .. she texted DB along the way to let us know when she stopped and when she got home safely.  That night I got to watch the AI shows I had missed (and I enjoyed watching, even though I already knew who won).

So, now it’s early Thursday morning.  Shortly I’ll go get a quick shower, and be ready.  We’ll be leaving in a few hours for the long-awaited camping trip in the mountains!  I’m very excited, and know it’s going to be a lovely weekend.  I don’t know when we’ll get bac, so no updates for a few days.

Day 58

Day 58

Sunday, May 25, 2014

I hate having a cold.  They’re “normal” . nothing to go to a doctor about or anything.  Just enough to feel miserable for a few days.  My nose is running like a train, and I can barely take a breath without coughing.  Actually, this morning (Monday) it *might* be fractionally better. They never last long, though the cough tends to linger.  Yesterday was rough.  I felt too drained to do anything; but if I sat still too long, I got too stopped up. 

I found a bottle of liquid Tylenol of some sort.  It doesn’t help much, but anything is better than nothing.  TGF will come get me later this morning and take me to get something to keep symptoms under control for … maybe a week or so I guess.

I did sleep better than I expected last night .. partly exhaustion I’m sure … but woke by 5:00 and had to get up to breathe.  My poor nose is so sore!

I am in personal conflict.  I don’t really like *being* alone all the time .. but I find I do like *living* alone.  I’m intensely annoyed  that people make free with my house, and are inconsiderate of my possessions.  I know there are those who think I have “too much junk” .. but it’s MY junk, and MY decision what to do with it or whether it’s time to let it go.  I’ve had to give up having my dining table all set and looking pretty, at least until I get back from the coming trip.  I find things where they don’t belong  … things that there shouldn’t have been any reason for anyone to touch to start with.  I find furniture moved around … which actually can be a problem for me, but other people don’t seem to realize that; or don’t care.  They do seem to think it’s funny when I bump into or trip over things.  I don’t think the bruises on my legs are funny at all, but oh well.

I have a feeling I’m repeating myself a lot; but my head feels like a water balloon, and *thinking* seems to be too hard to do right now.

Yesterday the day was more or less divided between checking email (having a “conversation” with my BFF, whom I’m very disappointed not to get to visit tomorrow as originally planned, but hoping I can persuade TGF into a day trip later in June); watching HGTV reruns (and really, even HGTV is starting to loose it’s appeal when I can’t actually tell what they’re doing to houses; and the house hunter type shows are getting more and more boring).  Since DSS did finally take a lot of the random stuff out of the bedroom, I consolidated what was left to one table.  My candle boxes are now on the other 2 tables; but  I have to wait for someone to help me with the candles.  This is a huge step backward for me and a big disappointment.  I have tons of candles in many colors, and have loved using them in my collection of glass candle holders.  Now I can no longer do this without help … I can’t tell pink and yellow apart, or blue and purple.  It’s so depressing.

I emptied the shelf unit in the guest room that I will be giving to TGF.  She can’t take it until she has a classroom to put it in, but at least it’s empty and ready to go.  Everything fit on the empty unit in the hall, with most of one lower shelf still empty.  There were a lot more of those darn boxes of old magazines!!!  Right now they are all piled on the dining table … they’re much too heavy to put in bags.  And after 2 ½ years of being overwhelmed with boxes  … I now have none to put those magazines in to take them to the dump!! 

I seriously considered going ahead with the trunk moving project I have in mind.  But, DSS just won’t return my little hand-truck, though I’ve asked many times.  I’m not actually sure it would help anyway; I probably could just push them where I want them to be.  But I don’t think I could do it right now with this cold … and that project will surely stir up loads of dust which will make things much worse for my breathing (the only thing I’m allergic to).  So I have not much choice but leave well enough alone and wait … as usual … for other people to do what they’ve said they would do.

I’m very grumpy this morning, because I don’t feel good.  I’m frustrated and discouraged … but really, I think it’s just the silly cold.  It is hard to be “upbeat” .. which apparently I’ve never been very good at to start with … when you just don’t feel good.  I should be feeling grateful that I didn’t feel so bad when I had to take care of DH.  And when I feel better, I will be able to look at it that way.  Right now, I’m just tired of it all.

I hope getting in a nice hot shower is going to help!

(rest of) Day 57

Day 57 (continued)

Saturday, May 24, 2014

After getting a morning rant off my mind, the rest of the day was mostly good.  TGF got here just before 11:30, and we went on to town.  First of all was a big disappointment … the small item I had left at a local shop quite a long time ago to be painted was not ready.  The lady was not there, but told her husband via phone that she was behind on orders and thought I had wanted it in June.  Well, she had told me clearly it would be ready by MAY 20^th.  I suspect since it was a very small item it just got over looked, though obviously I can’t prove it.  This is the only time anything ordered has ever not been ready by a promised date; and since it’s for someone else, I have no idea when I’ll get to town on a weekday, or when I’ll see my SIL again.  She had thought she might want to get more done as gifts … but with this happening, I’m thinking she’ll not want to be ordering from this shop.  And truthfully, the lady is really busier than she seems able to handle by herself anyway.

Then we went to the pharmacy.There I got a very big shock … the pills that were ordered for me had a co-pay of $92!!!  I did NOT get them.  That’s insane.  I’m on a limited fixed income.  I’m sure the doctor had no idea how expensive they were.  The young man at the counter said he will contact the doctor’s office to see if another version of the pill (the very annoying version that would have to be taken 4 times a day) would be significantly cheaper.  But, he won’t find out until Tuesday, so it probably won’t matter .. I’ll be travelling before I can even find out, much less get them.  Anyway,  I’m not actually convinced they are *that* necessary.  It’s the anti-inflamatory (steroid) drops that seem to make the pressure go upp.  But without the drops, the inflammation comes back.  Clearly, the inflammation is the big issue.  I have an appointment on June 11^th with some sort of specialist to see what can be done about the inflammation.  Meantime, I have all these drops to deal with.  Also .. I have developed a cold.  It seems there are a lot of things I don’t “do well”, and a cold is another one of them.  My sinuses seem to be producing gallons of mucus (WHERE does it come from???), and it’s not illogical that could be influencing the pressure.  Maybe.  (and I’m just miserable enough to assume it could, because it seems to be affecting everything else).

When TGF and I got to the pharmacy, there were some shelter people set up with rescue pets that need good forever homes.  There was one dog there I absolutely fell in love with.  He’s a 2 year old yellow lab/blue heeler mix. (all I could really tell was his size and color).  He was very timid, seemed afraid of all the people and activity.  His foster mom got him out of the cage, and he was clearly affectionate with her.  We were told he’d originally had a sister, and both dogs were surrendered for adoption; the sister was more “outgoing” and adopted, but no one seemed interested in him since he’s so timid.  The more we talked to the people, the more he sounded like a good match for a nearly blind old person living way out in the country alone.  But, obviously, there’s a lot of things to consider.  I don’t think getting him food would be a major issue; but getting him to a vet once a year could be (an expense).  And he could have health problems as he ages … no way to know on that.  And what about when I travel … sometimes a dog could go with me, but not always.  TGF thiks he might be able to become a “service dog”.  He’s obviously not a “seeing-eye” dog, which I do not need; but he could be trained to help keep me from bumping into low objects; and also trained to be a guard dog (cats are not good at warning against unwanted intrusions!!) … or at least be able to scare off any possible intruder.  It’s never been a problem out here, but the family next door knows I live here alone now; so who knows who else knows that?  I’ve never felt “scared”, but it is a bit innerving.

Anyway, we got a caard from the shelter people.  If the dog (Jay) is still needing a home when I get back from the upcoming trip, I will think more abouthim. There’s an awful lot to consider.  It makes me sad to realize that it’s just one more thing that I want (I’ve always wanted a big “golden”, and he’s close) that there’s a good chance it just won’t happen.  I’m at a time in my life when the loneliness and sadness ought to be balanced a bit by getting to go out and do things I want to do .. but instead, I’m *trapped* by failing vision, and limited to what other people think I do or don’t or should or shouldn’t need to do.

After 2 disappointing stops, we stopped at the grocery store.  I needed cat litter, and got a few other things .. very little … just to get through the weekend.

When we came back to the house, TGF was gathering up what was completed of her laundry when DSS called.  He had not gone to work (for a change), so she told him to come on over.  When he got here, they took the rest of the trash off.  It was only one bag (including from changing out the litter boxes); a box of old magazines; and the 2 outside cans that were full.  They just took the cans, emptied them at the dump, and brought them back.  Then they went back and worked a little in the bedroom.  DSS duct-taped a board to the wall … that isn’t going to keep anything from pushing it, but it will slow them down.  He’s trying to figure out how to nail something up .. seems whatever studs were originally put there have rotted away.  There’s not much of anything holding up that wall!

After they left, I exchanged a bunch of emails.  I ended up asking my sister & niece about helping Cndy drive to WS .. and they said they could!  I’m so relieved.  She still has to get here;   but it’s only a 2 hour drive.  She will come Monday and stop as many times as she needs to.  It’s a shame DS can’t come, but there are valid reasons why; and DIL certainly doesn’t want to have to wait another 3 months for another appointment!

By 10:00 I could barely hold my eyes open.  I still had the TV on, and “48 Hours” was on.  I heard the first few minutes .. and then I thought it sounded strange.  And I thought to myself “that sounds more like Criminal Minds than 48 Hours … so I looked at the clock.  It was a little after midnight!  And, I was wide awake.  I couldn’t stop coughing and was stopped up and so miserable.  I got up and put a frozen dinner in the microwave (had only eaten a baked potato earlier .. all I wanted at the time).  While it cooked, I went into the bedroom.  Where DSS had taken a lot of the stuff out, there was bits and pieces left on all 3 tables.  I consolidated to one table.  Then I moved the big chair (which DS will get eventually) to infront of the box in front of the taped up board over the hole in the wall.  I figured the critters will have a Much harder time moving that chair .. that the truth is, they don’t have to move anything.  The wall itself moves. L

I also got all my boxes of candles out of the closet and put them on the tables I just cleared.  Perhaps today (Sunday) I will change out to my summer colors.  Or I may wait until tomorrow for DIL to help me .. it’s getting really hard to tell some of the colors apart.

I turned the TV on, and watched Castle; CSI Miami; and one other but I can’t remember what.  I got so frustrated though .. I was sooooo tired, and couldn’t sleep, and coughing so much.  So I started searching to see if I had anything at all to help.  I know within the past year or so I’d cleaned out cabinets and thrown out a lot of out of date OTCs,; but I was so desperate.  And, I did find a bottle of liquid Tylenol.  I can’t tell if it’s for cough or cold or just for children (don’t know how old it is, but it hadn’t been opened).  Whatever .. it helped, and around 3:00 or so I was able to turn the TV off, be reasonably comfortable, and get back to sleep.  I got up about 7:00 .. time to start today’s round of drops.

I rarely just throw on old clothes without showering, but I did this morning.  I feel lousy, and I MUST either get over this cold, or get something to get it under control before I go travelling.  I’m not “contagious” .. no fever or anything, it’s just an ordinary cold.  And in all likelihood, the cough will linger on awhile and drive me crazy, so I have to find something to control it.

I’ll probably change my mind in awhile.  But it’s getting later, and I need to deal with the cats at least. I took another dose of the liquid stuff, so hopefully the coughing and sniffling will ease off soon for at least a few hours.  I wonder if I can buy it by the gallon?

I know there are things I need to do today; but between the cold and lack of sleep, right now I don’t feel like bothering.  Maybe by this afternoon.

Day 57

Day 57

Saturday, May 24, 2014

It’s only Saturday morning now, but I had thoughts bouncing around in my head that I just needed to get out.  I feel better this morning.  I took some Tylenol PM, slept in my own comfy chair, and no draft blowing directly on my face and throat.  The slight cold isn’t gone, but I don’t feel yucky.   Well, not to much; and I am rested.

But, I am disturbed (which I know a lot of people would agree with) and frustrated.  I have to be able to “make ends meet” on my reduced income.  Even though it’s more than I expected, it’s not *that* much more … and it’s over $700 less than the combined incomes were.  Well,  I have not been able to reduce the household expenses by that much.  Some, but not enough.  There are very few things I have any control over; but one is the electric  The first month I sat in the dark, basically, I got my electric bill down by over half.  This month, however, I did have to give in and turn on the a/c and ceiling fans.  Now I don’t turn the a/c very cold .. usually around 78, and up to 80 if I’m not home.  And fans are only on in a room I’m actually using.  With only myself here, one shower a day and a handful of dishes, and about 2 loads of laundry a week is all that makes the pump run.

But .. when I’m not home, I have no choice but have TGF come over to look after the cats.  And, at least until September (and except the next few weeks), she’s my driver to get to appointments at Duke.  I have no idea what I will do when everyone is working  … it’s not that easy for any of the kids to take off work.  But the frustration is in that she is pretty much making free with my house when I’m not here, and since she’s helping me out I can’t really say anything. 

I came home with laundry to do … and can’t even do it because both washer and dryer are full, and it appears there are at least 2 more loads waiting.  And they took 3 or 4 baskets full when they left last night.  And I had dishes in the sink (granted, not many .. but why should they have left ME anything to wahs???).  And her son apparently always takes a shower here .. so more hot water, more towels to wash.  And, of course, TV and lights on.  It all adds up, and I’m very much afraid my next electric bill is going to put my very delicately balanced budget in serious jeopardy.

I’ve gone Way out of my way to help them out for years.   Now that there is literally no money to give them (although in theory it’s “loan” … but I’ll be surprised if they actually make the payments promised when TGF starts working, even though she’s very well aware it will make the difference between my being able to stay here and not)  apparently they (mostly TGF; but DSS doesn’t seem to have a clue what’s going on anyway .. he still won’t even bother to come get the trash) have decided I’m going to help them no matter what it costs me.    And, as I said, I have to depend on TGF to take me where I need to go (i.e., she’s supposed to come take me to town later this morning to pick up new meds ordered and to go pick up an order at a shop in town for my SIL) … I don’t feel like I can complain about their using me, my house, so much for fear she’ll become “unavailable” when I need to get somewhere … despite that she’s driving MY car. 

I have a ridiculous schedule of pills and eye drops right now.  I hope I can keep up.  The doctor printed out a schedule … well duh!!  I can’t READ it!!!  I’m sure she didn’t actually put it together in her mind that way, and was trying to help.  Anyway, for now I’m trying to use a combination of alarm clock and timer.  On travel days, I’ll just have to depend on someone else to help remind me (I simply can’t see a watch or most clocks to tell what time it is).  In a short time it’ll be time for first of twice a day eye drops (2 of them, 5 minutes apart) and pill (because it seems the drops aren’t doing enough to lower the pressure, at least not when I’m using the anti inflammatory drops). 

As soon as the timer goes off to start the drops, then I’ll go on and get in the shower and get the cats fed.

Side note: this makes me so sad.  Yesterday we happened to catch a piece of a news report on the TV in the Duke lobby .. about 2 ATCs that “did their job”.  We were joking about things that didn’t happen to make the news, and one thing was that there was no “mass shooting”.  Just now on the morning news I heard that we were wrong.  There actually was a mass shooting somewhere.  That is so awfully depressing.  There is some evil out there that just can’t ever be predicted and therefore prevented.  It’s a very scary world; and not being able to see it clearly dos not make it less so.

The *good* news is, being frustrated with TGF keeps my mind away from *thinking* too much and getting depressed.  Most of the time.

Day 56

Day 56

(Thursay and) Friday, May 23, 2014

This will just be a quickie update because I am tired beyond words tonight.

On Thursday DIL and I watched a little TV, then she ran a few errands.  We all got ready to leave the house, and met DS at the site for the awards banquet.  The food was good .. but I sincerely hope the price included at least some fund raising!

There was, of course, a lot of senior stuff; but it was still a very enjoyab le evening.  DGD got a medal for being in symphonic band (which won the top possible honors in a competition); she “lettered” in band; and (a surprise to her) she got an award that had something to do with her excelling at flute and piccolo.

It was over pretty late; but we watched the finale of Dancing anyway (very happy with outcome!).

I did not sleep well .. have picked up a bit of a sniffle and scratchy throad.  Maybe just tired (from never sleeping as well as at home).  Anyway, DIL and I left by 9:30 to bring me home.  TGF was waiting when we got here.  We left here about 1:10, had to make a stop by the bank and a stop for gas (and TGF also got water to put in car, saying it seemed a little low).l  I didn't like that DIL had to drive home alone; but she rested here first, and let us know when she got there safely.

I was late for my appointment, but it didn’t seem to matter.  I didn’t have a long wait, and the doctor (different office) is very nice.  OK, long story short:

TheGood news is, I am officially (have it in writing) legally blind.

The Bad news is: I am legally blind. L

It seems that the steroid drops I’m on for inflammation cause the eye pressure to go WAY up.  She gave me a couple of pills, then I had to just sit and wait (and have I mentioned I do not WAIT very well??) for close to 45 minutes.  Then she checked the pressure again, and it wa down.  So, I’m now on pills as well asan array of eye drops.

My DIL will begin the process of digging up information about services and benefits now available for me; and TGF will also do some investigating.  But for tonight, I am so exhausted I can’t even think.  My head is about to explode.  So, sorry, not answering any email tonight, just this and then shutting down. I only have to stay awake about half an hour more to be time for last drops and pill for the day.

Day 54

Day 54

Wednesday, May 22, 2014

This was a somewhat relaxing day of doing not much of anything.  We watched TV shows, I listened to my book some.  The only evening plans were that DGD had her church meeting .. a friend picked her up and DS went to get her after.

DIL and I chatted, watched TV, just relaxed.

It is very odd to have nothing to do, and do even less!  It just feels wrong somehow to be completely lazy; but there’s very little I can do here.  And yet I spend so many days at home doing almost nothing.  The difference is, I guess, that I do my own dishes, do laundry, take care of the cats, and spend more time on the computer (I’m facing the dining room window here .. it makes it hard to see the computer, so I’ve not even been turning it on as much as I would at home) 

There is the banquet tonight, and then I head home tomorrow.  I really have the weekend and part of Monday to get ready to head out again.  I am very concerned about the next trip, but I can’t do anything about it (I even asked TGF if she could help … but of course, no way DSS could handle her boys).  I’m worried about DIL doing so much driving.  Her health is precarious; when she’s feeling OK, driving is fine.  But if she’s not, it could be risky.  She has the 2 hour drive to my house on Monday .. and she can take her time, stop if she needs to.  Then it’s another 3 hours on to our destination.  We’ve made plans to go the long way around and take a break to visit my BFF (whom I haven’t seen in around 8 to 10 years).  But it’s still a lot of driving, and I can’t help.  I hate that!  TGF can’t because DSS, as I said, wouldn’t be able to deal with getting her boys home from school on Tuesday and back and forth on Wednesday.  Since they’re in testing, they can’t just skip.  And DS cannot go because he has to deal with an audit at his job that no one else seems able to handle.  Plus their kids also in finals.  It’s all very frustrating.  DIL had to wait 3 months for this appointment, and is not willing to postpone .. and I don’t blame her!  She’s been having health issues long enough, she needs answers and solutions!   So, I guess we’re just going to have to do the best we can .. stop and take breaks as often as needed.  But then she’ll have the entire drive home by herself.  She will likely make several stops, including possibly overnight at my house if needed.  It’s still an awful not of driving alone.It’s too bad the appointment couldn’t have been just a few weeks later; but we will just have to figure out how to deal with what is.

Today, at least, will be a bit lazy.  DIL has errands to run; I will get showered and dressed for tonight, and just continue on my book.

I know it’s not my fault .. I wish I could stop feeling guilty for not being able to help!!

Day 53

Day 53

(Monday and) Tuesday, May 21, 2014

Monday was a very quiet day.  DIL and I watched some old TV shows (Netflix).  When she went out for a doctor’s appointment, I read.

Monday night was DGS13’s band concert.  I enjoyed the performances very much!  There is clearly a lot of support for music in this area.

Tuesday was a lazier day.  DIL didn’t feel well (is not into yet another med adjustment – her doctors really don’t know what to do!).  We watched some old TV, and “African Queen”.

Tuesday night was DGD16’s band concert.  It was also very good.  But it was held in the jr. high auditioriu, because the high school one isn’t big enough.  Those seats were designed for little kids!!! Not very comfortable … but the music was well worth a little discomfort!

My DIL has also help me go through a stack of mail (and got it filed into folders), and filled out a survey for hospice. 

I’m almost dreading going home Friday.  As of yesterday, DSS had still not bothered to pick up the trash.  TGF said if he didn’t get it she would .. but I know there’s not enough room in the car for it, so she wouldn’t bother to empty the outside cans.  And, she’s been doing laundry.  I guess that means either DSS didn’t get paid yet, or there were too many bills to pay for her to have Laundromat money.   So much for getting my electric bill down .. now it’s being run back up even when I’m not home   I should have expected this … they seem to feel I’m somehow obligated to help support them.  When I have no money to give them, they’ll just take it out in other ways .. using my house for laundry (which means someone there all day, TV on, lgiths on, using the kitchen, possibly running the a/c colder than I would), nad running washer and dryer (and all that water also runs up the electric by running the pump).  It’s very discouraging.  Regardless of any advice I’ve been given, I’m afraid I’m going to be forced to move somewhere cheaper; and I really resent that my bills could be run up when I’m not even home.  But, I have no choice but depend on her to look out for the cats.  I hope I’m not going to be forced to give them up too.

Clearly, at some point I’ve done something really really awful.  Karma is paying me back.  I’ve lost my husband; I’m losing my vision; people I thought were friends have abandoned me; and famiy I have no choice but depend on is using me and putting me deeper into a hole I have no way out of.

I guess I’ll have to deal with all that later, after the travelling is done.  I’ll only have 3 days at home before going west .. that’s enough time to do laundry, reclean my house, and *maybe* pack up the last of any spring stuff.  I don’t know if I’ll bother with my summer things this year.  Just doesn’t seem worth it any more … I can’t really see it (i.e., candles on the mantle), and no one else really cares.  Anyway,  I will enjoy the rest of this visit and then deal with what I can .. and go off again.    Summer will be here soon enough to figure things out.

Day 51

Day 51

Sunday, May 18, 2014

The day was a mostly good day, with one small episode of a disappointment that I should not have let bother me.  I guess it just caught me off guard.

I got up at for me a “normal” time, around 5:30.  But I did get on u and get busy.  By the time DS (and DIL and DGD) got here, I had vacuumed, washed and put away all dishes (even lunch), washed and put up all laundry, and had every bit of trash bagged (not that the bagged trash means very much .. it’s been over 2 weeks at least since anyone bothered to come pick it up for me.  I wonder if I’m supposed to pile it in a wheelbarrow and walk it to the dump?)  Anyway, I got everything gathered together that I needed to bring, even a few things I had forgotten before. I was completely packed and ready to go by around 1:00 .. and then just waited!  Well, really, I don’t do “wait” very well.  I watched some boring HGTV; I carried on an email conversation with my BFF; and I paced a lot.

I had been hoping for some visits that I now have come to believe probably aren’t going to happen.  I should not let myself worry about it … it’s not like this was something “normal” in my life anyway.  I don’t “fit in” anywhere.  Almost everyone is in pairs, and I’m not.  It’s just a fact of life, and I really am trying to adjust.

I had thought I’d be home most of May .. but as I began to realize things I hoped for weren’t going to happen, and as I got offered additional opportunities .. well, why not!  I’ll admit, staying in DS’s house during the day can be boring.  I can’t watch TV (they don’t get actual TV, and I can’t even begin to read the Netflix menu .. and that’s even if I could figure out the remote.  I seem to be a bit “technically).  I can  challenged”.  Or something).  I can set up the computer; but it’s a little awkward .. and not all that much email any more anyway.  Which is fine, since it’s hard to read …  but I keep checking anyway. J  I have my kindle; and just found out last night that I have a credit with Audible for a Mother’s Day gift .. so I have enough in my account to get at least 2 more books.  And when you buy books, they give you credits .. so I will be able to get a few more books.  So if I am careful to spread my reading out … I could have enough books to last a couple of months.  Or weeks.

It’s the time here that does me in on books.  DIL had an appointment, which leaves me here alone for several hours … nothing to do but listen to a book.

I miss my cats.  I feel a little guilty leaving them for such long stretches at a time.  But I’m not going to pass up opportunities just to stay home with them.  Cats, after all, are not inclined to welcome me at the door!  Sometimes I think I’d like a dog; but that would create many more problems I guess.  And I wouldn’t be able to make up my mind about a big dog (I’d love a golden!) or a small dog (the cats get along fine with a dog their own size).

Well, that’s all something for another day.  For now I will see if I can find anything to eat, and get out the kindle.  

Day 50

Day 50

Saturday, May 17, 2014

The day started out fairly well.  I got up early, but not too early.  Ihave gotten into a habit now of washing up any dishes (and I usually leave whatever there is during the day in a pan of soapy water to soak) while the coffee pot heats up.  So right away, that’s done.  I did a load of laundry; and though it took awhile, it all got put up.  I completely changed the litter boxes, put a new bag in the genie, and swept the bathroom and back hall. 

Off and on I checked email; then I watched the few Saturday morning TV shows I enjoy. 

I got out my stick-vac, and that was my downfill.  I had to figure out how to empty the canister .. and that’s pretty tricky when you are doing it just by feel.  I did finally figure it out .. but in the process, apparently sucked up a good bit of dust.  I had coughing spells the rest of the afternoon.  Poor Maggie would come settle in my lap … and then I’d get coughing and *disturb* her.  How dare I!!

I didn’t get any real cleaning done the rest of the day, but I did get a few more organizing bits and pieces done.  I’ve got most of the things I need to pack (and take to NB) in one place ready to be neatly put in my suitcase.  I don’t know what time DS is coming, but I expect I have until at the very earliest noon (and if by some miracle he comes earlier than that, he may just have to wait for me!).

Around mid afternoon my SIL popped in for a quick visit.  She didn’t stay long, maybe an hour, but it was a nice break in the day.   I’m glad she understands that I don’t have a problem with her just dropping by unannounced (and I also know she wouldn’t be offended if I told her I was busy … she’d offer to help).  She brought me some spaghetti, some salad fixings, and some cherries (sour) from her tree.  I enjoyed a salad and spaghetti for supper, and the rest of the salad things (lettuce and tomatoes) will go with me to NB.

I did get a really sad (weepy) spell last night, which caught me completely off guard.  I know that will happen sometimes; I think I’m doing pretty good that it doesn’t happen as often  now.  So when it does, I just “go with it”.  But the sneak attacks are a bit unnerving … they happen at such odd times.  Of course, there are times when talking about DHs that I can get choked up .. but I know that’s normal.  That’s not what I mean.  It’s when here by myself, and something triggers a memory .. random, unexpected things … that “catch me”. I don’t know if it would happen if I wasn’t by myself; but there are times when I must be (by myself).  I am enjoying the traveling and visiting with family, and greatly appreciate the invitations.  But that’s not going to last forever, and at the end of the day, “alone” is how I live now.  Maybe that won’t last forever either, but it’s my reality now.

Since I hate to come home to a messy house, I plan to finish cleaning this morning.  Sadly, I’m leaving a big pile of bags of trash.  My cats have not in the past bothered that, so I have to hope they won’t.  I have no idea when DSS will come get it.  They didn’t come by at all last weekend (because they assumed DS would be here all day).  The weekend before that DSS was out of town.  So it’s been at least 3 weeks since they bothered.  I wonder if they assume that since there is no longer big bags of dialysis trash, that by myself I couldn’t possibly generate much so they don’t need to bother?  (never mind all the trash being generated as stuff gets cleaned out!).  But, I will do the best I can and trust that someone will actually come get it all while I’m gone.  Of course, likely someone will come use my stove and my laundry room … I don’t mind as long as they don’t leave me a messy house.  If TGF does laundry she will change the washer settings.  I’ve asked her to put them back when she’s done, but she never remembers.  So I guess I’m *required* to use HER preferred settings to do my own laundry since I can’t see the dials to put them where I want them.  I hope she’s bringing her own laundry soap (though it wouldn’t surprise me if she “forgot”).I hate sounding selfish and greedy; and I would like to be able to just tell her use whatever you need.  But the fact is, I am now on a Very restricted budget.  And I will be until (unless) she keeps a promise and makes payments to me of $$ they owe.  Meantime, by the time I pay the bills that Must be paid, there’s not much left for groceries … and that includes such “extras” as laundry soap.  At one time I tried very hard to “stockpile” non perishable items against the day when maybe I couldn’t get what I needed.  But that was a waste of time mostly since TGF thinks it’s perfectly OK to raid my house when she runs out of money and needs something.  And if she “replaces” anything, it’s with the cheapest possible (not necessarily what I had to start with).  I do have a few things I won’t run out of any time soon.  Especially paper towels … I was going through a lot of them, but now not so many.  And they don’t use them apparently, since that’s not something she gets from me (and I know she wouldn’t even bother to buy them knowing I had “plenty”). 

I know it doesn’t sound like it, but most of the time I do like TGF  But she does irritate me a lot .. and expressing my frustrations here is about the only outlet I have.  A lot of other things make me sad or depressed or disappointed that I can’t write about, having learned the hard way what people get offended about (even if I’m not even talking about them!).  So I take it all out on TGF. 

I give myself about a 3 hour window to do some cleaning.  Then I will shower, do a last load of laundry, and finish packing.  The computer goes with me, though I don’t always write as much from NB .. a bit of an awkward setup, and without a good light. Anyone that has any reason to get in touch with me has my cell phone number (though the poor thing might go into shock if it got used much! LOL!) 

Day 49

Day 49

Friday, May 16, 2014

This day was not as “good” as yesterday but still not a bad day.  It is a bit of a sad comment on my self esteem that “bad company” is better than no company!  OK, that’s not really fair .. not “bad” company.  But TGF (and son) was fine with just sitting around watching TV and nothing else.  She got most of her laundry done; but nothing else.  We didn’t touch any of the things on the shelf.  It was a gorgeous day outside, but still nothing got done.

After she left, I got a very brief spurt of energy, and got the stuff left on the hall shelves better organized and consolidated.  There’s still too much, because I’m still waiting for people to come and claim some thngs they’d like (but I don’t know specifically what, so have to keep all of it until they do).  Now it’s going to be harder to “connect”, but since I don’t get much communication, I guess it won’t matter.

Anyway, as I said, at least it’s not spread out so much.

I also moved the treadmill into the bedroom.  I always forget how much more comfortable I am in this room (sewing/computer) when it’s less cluttered.  If everyone Ever finishes getting their big stuff out of the bedroom, I can set up the treadmill in their.  For now there’s a TV in there, maybe I’ll actually use it (the treadmill).

Last night DS called.  So, we finally have it figured out about next week.  I had thought only to be there a couple of days, but it’s not turning into nearly a week.  He will come get me Sunday afternoon; the concerts are Monday and Tuesday; and there’s a banquet on Thursday.  Either DIL will bring me home Friday morning .. or, if she’s not feeling well, DS will bring me before he goes to work.  (that will make him late, but it’s OK, he makes up the time – has done that before).

I will be home today and part of tomorrow.  Then I’ll be home next Friday (but have an appointment in Durham, so really won’t be home until late afternoon), and Saturday through Tuesday.  Sometime on Wednesday DIL (unknown yet if DS will come too … he’s not sure he’s comfortable leaving the kids with someone else right in the middle of end of term testing) will pick me up and we’ll go on to Winston Salem.  I have no idea right now exactly when I’ll get home again .. sometime in the first week of June.

So far, the only plans for June are one doctor appointment (a specialist about the inflammation in my eyes), and the day trip to the Outer Banks on the 14^th. 

I had originally thought I’d be home most of May .. but seems I’m ending up spending a lot of it in New Bern.  I’m very grateful that they want me there and are sharing so much of the kid’s activities (things I’ve missed out on for several years).  I’m not getting my house as in order as I’d hoped; but there are too many things waiting on other people still.  I had told DSS he could take his time sorting and getting out the things of his dad’s he was taking home with him.  I just didn’t expect him to take *this* much time!  The thing is, he’s not sorting it at home either.  All the boxes are still sitting where he put them.  Well, couldn’t be *ALL* of them, because he said he used the cabinets to organize and store some of it.  He told me he would bring the large totes he emptied back and take all the misc. stuff that is piled up on 3 folding tables in the middle of the room.  And most of that stuff has been there 6 weeks or more … it is seriously in the way.  I feel like I need to “finish” dealing with everything so I can move on with whatever comes next.

But the flip side is, the less time I spend at home, the less electricity I’m using, and the less food (although that’s an “iffy” subject .. I can’t help but feel like if someone else feeds me for a week at a time, I should be helping out.  Not sure how much that applies at DS’s house .. they rarely seem to have much there, and a lot of days all I can find is some bread-and-butter until a very late at night supper).

Last night I didn’t take the melatonin; but I was feeling achy, so took some Aleve.  Since I’ve not been nearly as active the last 7 weeks, I quit taking it every day.  But I believe it helped me sleep .. I thnk sometimes maybe part of what keeps me from going back to sleep if I wake too early is the one foot aching a lot.  I woke around 5:00, a little chilly; got a heavier cover, and went back to sleep until around 6:30.  I feel more awake than I did yesterday …. So thinking the melatonin is fine, but only when I have a day with NO plans and can just sleep late and rest up.  That sounds silly .. seems like all I do is “rest”.  Oh well.  Maybe I’ll just save it for winter .. I definitely will want to stay under quilts longer when it’s cold and dark! 

Today I hope to do some routine house cleaning and catch up laundry (again).  There is still some rearranging I’d like to do … but, I’m forced to wait for  DSS to come get the stuff he’s getting, and I just don’t have room for moving things until then.  Actually, I’d really like to have MY folding hand truck back to help with the things I want to rearrange; but I’ve been asking for over a year and a half, so I guess that’s just not going to happen.  I know DS has a set of those furniture moving pads (the ones they used to advertise on TV that you could move a car with one hand) .. I’ll try to remember to borrow those.  Although I’ve managed to move all but the really biggest things by myself  … most of my life I’ve had no choice anyway.  (you know .. if you want something done, do it yourself!).

It’s not going to be so hot today, so I don’t feel the need to hurry and get anything done early.   And no one will be showing up here by 8:15, so no need to rush into the shower (nearly 8:00 now).  But I imagine the cats are wondering where I am with feeding time! LOL!  They’ll have to get used to it .. they won’t get fed until late afternoon while I’m gone (when TGF can come by after picking the boys up from school). 

I have never been comfortable just sitting around in my night clothes.  Even though I spend many days here alone .. I guess I’m the eternal optimist.  I feel like I need to be showered and dressed, right down to earrings, “in case” someone shows up at the door!  So, time to go on and get the day started one way or another.

Day 48

Day 48

Thursday, May 15, 2014

This day (Thursday) was not as bad as it might have been.  It was a dreary gray day, and by early afternoon it was very wet.  A good part of the afternoon and evening, off and on, I had no TV or internet reception.  But, TGF came over early (after taking the boys to school).  As usual, her oldest is with her .. but seems mostly what he does is sleep.  TGF needed to do laundry; and because I’ve “been there”, I told her go ahead. (I’m very pleased with having been able to drop my electric bill more than half … so even though the multiple loads she has will run it up, I’m hoping a couple of out of town trips  for a few days will counteract that.

Anyway, around mid morning we went to town to pick up my eye drop refils.  The doctor had ordered a new Rx (to start the anti-inflamatory over) .. but they didn’t have it; but they did show there were 2 refills available.  I wonder if his order would automatically show up as refills on an existing Rx?  In any case, I got the drops.  I also got (per pharmacist’s recommendation) some melatonin to see if it will help me sleep through the night instead of this waking up in the middle of the night.  Then we went to the grocery store.  I didn’t get much, didn’t dare; but really needed just a few things.

It was just starting to sprinkle as we were leaving.We managed to get back and the car unloaded before the “real” rain started .. but we sure did get a lot!  As near as I can tell from the various reports, we got about 3” over the afternoon and evening.

She mostly worked on folding laundry as it got done; but also spent a little time continuing to work on going through a box of paper *stuff*  … the majority of which seems to be trash.

TGF left a little after 3:00 to pick up the boys from school; and came back to gather up the clean laundry and her groceries.  (she still has 3 or 4 – I think – loads of laundry to finish).  The rest of the evening was very quiet.  It was extremely frustrating that there was no TV reception for much of the evening … I didn’t get to watch all of AI, though at least I did get to see that my favorite is one of the final two.  And .. during the afternoon I got a very happy surprise phone call; and the shows I’ll miss next week will be recorded for me!  Thank you!! J

Most of the evening was spent finishing a book

I don’t know if the melatonin really helped or not.  I did wake up in the middle of the night, but went right back to sleep.  I woke near 5:00, and again went back to sleep.  I got up after 6:00, and stayed a little sleepy until after getting in the shower.  I’m not sure I much like that either; but then, it’s hard to tell how much is sleepiness, and how much is just eye irritation from having to take so many drops (starting at 6:30 in the morning, last ones at around 10:30 at night).

It’s still a little cloudy this morning, but I think it’s supposed to clear.  TGF will be back to finish her laundry (any time now).  I got a surprise email from my DIL (actually sent last night; but the computer was off early since there was only inermitent reception).   She said my son mentioned coming to get me after work … tonight!!!  Uh .. maybe some notice would be good?  And originally it was only for 2 or 3 days, for the kid’s end of school concerts.  But she wants me to stay for the band banquet on Thursday .. so it looks like it’s stretching to a full week.  Well, that will help keep the light bill down! LOL!  And the grocery bill.  But it sure makes me scramble tight.  And I have an eye appointment (follow up to check the pressure) on that Friday, so I’d have to come back home first thing Friday morning.

And even before posting this I got another email .. DS is not coming for me until Sunday.

TGF will be here soon, and I need to go on and get this day going.

Day 47

Day 47

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

This day turned out better than expected in some small ways; but also very depressing in some ways.  To start with, TGF’s son was only mildly annoying, and was content to be in another room listening to his radio.  TGF helped me go through more of the random stuff,  including some of the paperwork, that’s still piled up on my hall shelves.

When it was time to leave, we went into town first.  I stopped at the bank and learned that DH’s account had been closed .. but I’ve not heard from the Clerk’s office, so will need to call and ask when I can get their check. 

Then we went on to Durham.  We got there about an hour early, but they called me back about 20 minutes early.  I wasn’t able to find out anything about my “status”, because there is STILL a lot of inflammation.  It’s very frustrating … they’re not telling me anything about how to control it (other than more eye drops .. but  *if* it’s caused by arthritis, how to I prevent the inflammation in the first place?)  Anyway, the doctor put me back on the anti-inflamatory drops again, and also on a tapering schedule (which is pretty much what I did last time).  I do have to go back (and see a different doctor, no idea why) in about a week and a half, to check the pressure.  It was OK yesterday (Wednesday), but he said the new drops tend to make the pressure go up.  But, they also want me to see yet another doctor, an “inflammatory specialist”.  My impression (and no one actually gave me much of a straight answer) is that they want to determine why I’m getting the inflammation in the first place.  The PA that I saw before the doctor said I couldn’t have arthritis because my joints weren’t all red and swollen.  And I told him (as I’ve told them before), I’ve never been “officially” diagnosed with anything.  But about 8 or so years ago, when I had to see an orthopaedic doctor for a sprained knee, he said (according to my X-ray) I had arthritis at least in that knee.  But he also said that “everyone” does, it’s a natural part of aging.  All I know is that a lot of the time I have very painful joints; and taking Aleve helps, usually.

Anyway, that’s 2 more trips to Durham … one more this month, and one next in addition to a trip to the OBx …. And since it’s up to me to come up with gas $$, I guess I won’t have any grocery money.  It’s very frustrating and depressing.  I have really good insurance that covers all the doctor appointments .. but it’s still costing me money that I don’t really have.

And because I needed something else depressing .. I have discovered that 3 of my favorite shows have season ending shows on Monday and Tuesday next week .. the very nights I won’t be home.  I do not want to miss the kid’s concerts just for TV shows.  But it’s depressing that I not only have no way whatsoever of recording them … I don’t even know anyone I can ask to record them for me (and in a way that I can see them later).  One show I will eventually catch on reruns.  One show (Dancing) I can catch later in the summer on Netflix at DS’s house (although by then I’ll know who won).  But the top favorite, AI, I will miss though I should (maybe) be home in time for the results show.  It’s a small thing, really …. Just one more depressing element of how my life is now.

We got back here about 6:15 or so.  I was so tired, I even dozed off during AI!!   But then, of course, I woke up … completely wide awake … about 4:30.  TGF will come this morning and take me to get the neew eye drops, and to the grocery store.  It’s supposed to be rainy by the afternoon .. might be a good time for a nap!

Day 46

Day 46

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

I’m getting a little better, I think, at “ordinary” days.  The days I see or talk to someone are better; but the days I don’t are maybe a tiny bit less stressful.  I’m having to learn to be by myself, do for myself, at the same time as having to relearn how to do things I can no longer see well enough to do the way I used to.  (for example, learning where to touch my finger to the Kindle to start listening to a book, instead of picking up a book to read).    That’s a bad example.  There are lots of every day things no one ever thinks about until it’s a problem.  I love earrings, and have a lot .. but it’s getting extremely hard to tell them apart, especially the colors.  And try sometime to close your eyes and get toothpaste on a brush! 

Anyway, Tuesday was not a bad day.  In the morning I got a brief spurt of ambition and did a little bit of rearranging.  It was beginning to really annoy me that the sewing/computer room was so cluttered; and I thought there’s no reason I can’t use a corner of the front room to put stuff until I can go through it or figure out where it needs to be.  It helped a lot just getting a small pile of extra *stuff* out of here.  It’s frustrating to not be able to move forward with getting things back in place where I want them; but in part I have to wait until DSS finishes getting things out, plus DS has to get a chair.  And I will also be calling Habitat again, but I don’t know when’ maybe the last week in May.

By a little before noon it had gotten hot enough to slow down.  During the afternoon my SIL called, and we had a long chat.  Then I listened to my book until evening news came on.

One of my favorite shows, NCIS, had a very sad story line (as well as leaving the story unfinished to wait for next season!).  It caught me really off guard.

Today is eye doctor day.  So of course, I had a bad night.  I woke around 3:00, and just couldn’t get back to sleep.  My one foot and knee were achy, and I was restless, couldn’t get comfortable.  I got up, made a cup of hot chocolate, and turned on the TV.  I was still awake when the local news came on at 4:30; but sometime after that I dozed off until about 6:00.  Since TGF is coming over when she takes the kids to school, I went on and got up and showered and dressed.  But I’m still really draggy.  And, she’s bringing her 17 y/o son with us.  DSS doesn’t want him left at the house alone (he tends to “plunder”).  I’m not sure about him being here all morning … afraid he’ll eat up my meager supply of food!!  Nothing I can do about it … when you’re stuck being completely dependent on other people, you are also stuck with their “rules”.

Between lack of sleep, stressing about finances, vaguely uncomfortable about having “the kid” along all day … it’s going to be a really long day I think

Day 45

Day 45

Monday, May 12, 2014

Parts of the day were really good .. the best part being a long phone conversation with a SIL.  I loved hearing about my niece’s and nephew’s current events, as well as what she and my brother have been doing. 

That was the only person I talked to at all, so the rest of the day was quiet.  I did find a few little spurts of energy … or maybe it was just resignation … and went through several of the boxes of *stuff*  that were just sitting on the hall shelves waiting.  A lot of things got put in the trash; I hope nothing that shouldn’t have been.  But, after all, it was the best I could do.   I also sorted those years worth of medical supplies.  How many rolls of  tape does a person really need???  So I let go of a lot of it (donation box).  I still have a small baggie of things I’ll need help with to decide  what to do with.  But, there’s a lot more empty space on the shelves.

I also consolidated some boxes of paer stuff into one bigger box.  I can’t go through that without help, but I’m at least trying to get it more in one place.

I also have a huge frustration to deal with now.  My computer is having issues.  The word doc I’ve been using apparently got tired.  It refused to “paste”, which is the only way I can read email (by enlarging a lot more than is readable in the email program).  I finally deleted the document, and created a new one …. Don’t know yet if that’s going to work.   But my email program is also doing weird things.  I normally keep things in folders … but now it won’t let me move  anything.  The “move to” command won’t work, and I tried just “sliding” things over .. that won’t work either.  I suspect the computer needs a “clean up”; but I can’t see well enough to find the right commands.  And no one else has time to be bothered with it right now.  I *think* I still have a contract with Geeks, but I’m not sure.  And anyway, I don’t have any way to take the computer all the way to Garner.  And worse, if I had to leave it I’d not only be without any communication,  I’d have to have a way to go back to get it.

For the time being I’ll just limp along as best I can and hope for the best. 

Last night I actually stayed awake (mostly) through a 10:00 show; but woke up just before 5:30 anyway.  For some odd reason, one foot gets achy, and I get restless.  But, I turned on the TV and dozed off and on for nearly 2 more hours.  And I wish I  could get past feeling like I’m wasting part of the day by sleeping “late”!  It’s not like I have anything to do, or any kind of time line to do  what little I do have.  I always want to go on and shower and dress .. and then open the doors.  If anyone shows up at my door, I’m decent and the house is presentable.  Only, no one shows up any more.  And there’s absolutely no reason at all why I should think anyone would.  This is what I keep telling myself that I need to get used to.  I have to depend on myself; I’m not anyone else’s responsibility.  I expect to be sad at times.  And it’s OK to feel lonely sometimes.  But this is the way it is for now, and I HAVE to learn to live with the way my life is.  I don’t have to feel like it will be like this forever; but first I have to learn to be alone and content with it.  Then I can figure out what comes next.

For now, I have an eye doctor appointment tomorrow.  Next week I will have a few days in NB for the kid’s end-of-school concerts.  Then only another week until my long-awaited camping trip.  From that, less than 2 weeks to the day trip … that will be very hard, but I think I .. and the boys .. need the closure.  Nothing specific is planned past that, but there are lots of possibilities.  For now, I know perfectly well I CAN manage .. on my own (mostly) … for a week or two at a time between “events”.

It’s getting late now.  The later it gets, the hotter it gets.  I have my a/c set on about 80, which for the most part (with fans) is fine.  But during the afternoon it does get warm.  Rather than run the a/c too much, my goal is to get any “active” things done early in the day.  So, I need to go get a shower and get the rest of the day started. 

Day 44

Day 44

Sunday, May 11, 2014

This day was almost as quiet as the day before was busy.  During the morning I did a little straightening up … but with just myself here, the house rarely needs much.  I did have a stroke of luck and got that cat shut into the bedroom. 

Most of the day I just sat and waited.  I’d had an email from DS (might have been sent late Saturday night) saying they’d come visit  and what time would be good.  I replied they could come as soon as they wanted (although I knew he’d be sleeping late).  They didn’t get here until a little after 5:00.  Well, any visit at all is better than none.  There’s no point being disappointed they didn’t come earlier, because I know DS’s habits; plus, DIL is in CA with her family, so not home to remind him to get up!  Anyway, late or not, I loved having them come visit.

The first thing .. well, after cuddling the babies … was to try to get the cat out of the house.  We started with a very elaborate plan:  DGS held the front door open, and DS and DGD were to “block” the hall entrance (no door) and try to scare the cat into running towards the door.  The first issue with the plan came when I opened the door.  Instead of running right out, the silly cat hid.  So then DGD had to come in to help me locate the cat to chase it out the door.  And then .. it caught DS off guard and got past him!  All the other rooms were closed off (the cat would normally bolt for the kitchen/den).  And by then the cat was probably in a panic.  He may have tried to head for a window in the den .. he knocked a lamp over.  But DGS got to the door quickly and held it open while DS and DGD kept flapping hands at the cat to keep him running.  As near as I can figure (I was too far away to see exactly what happened) the cat jumped onto a little table and then jumped toward the door.  He hit the door as “spring-boarded” off it .. onto the porch and hit the ground running.  And just like that, he was out of the house!  How I wish I’d been able to video that little escapade!!

Once things calmed down, we sat and visited awhile.The kids caught me up on some of their goings-on (although they tend to forget that I don’t already know what’s happening in their lives).  DS expanded a lot on the status of his garden.

At one point we walked in the yard a bit to survey the “damage”, and see how the peach trees are doing .. they are loaded with tiny green fuzzy peaches! 

As it got a little later, DS asked what I wanted to do about supper … cook, go out, get take out, etc.  I deferred to the kids, who requested Wendy’s.  OK by me. J  So they all went and got burgers and fries and brought them back to the house.

We ate and watched Food Network until way too late (for them at least, being a work and school night).  They headed home about 10:00 (and DS called that they were home a little before midnight).

I’ll admit, it was hard not to have at least a very small pity-party as I sat here alone most of the day.  I didn’t get any cards at all; but then, I don’t very often anyway.  I doubt DIL did, unless they have something for her for when she gets home.  At least he came to visit, and DSS called … and that’s as good as it gets and better than it used to be.  DH never acknowledged Mother’s Day .. because I’m not his mother.

Even though I didn’t get soundly to sleep until after DS called, I still woke a little before 6:30.  I refuse to mop or vacuum again already just because I’m awake; and I did laundry yesterday.  I guess I will go on and get showered and dressed, feed the cats, and then just pull one of the boxes of *stuff* off the hall shelf and start digging through it.  I don’t like going through paperwork that I can’t read; but I doubt there’s much there that’s very important (it’s been well over a year since the last time DH handled his own mail and squirrelled anything away).  And there’s a lot of medical junk that needs to be sorted.  I’ll probably just throw away most of it, since I don’t know what it is or how old it is (lots of various tubes of something or other).  I’ll probably put together a small box of what I think will actually (potentially) be useful to keep at home; maybe put together a box of things TGF can use (with a house full of boys, one can Always use bandaids!!!); and throw away the rest. 

I don’t know what to do about the cameras.  I know my niece won’t want all of them (there’s dozens of cameras that probably don’t work at all).  DSS thinks I should put them all – as a collection – on Craig’s List.  That would be fine if I was able to do that on my own, but I can’t see well enough to tackle that; and TGF seems to have a problem listing anything.  Well, I don’t have to do that today anyway.  Perhaps today will be a good day to tackle the medical junk.  Or … it might be a day to just watch TV and not do anything!  I’ll just have to wait and see how the day goes.  Since I have no choice but live alone (and truthfully, I really do not want to live with anyone, especially not in someone else’s home!), I might as well enjoy one of the “perks”, which is that I can do what I want whenever I want.  I don’t have to please anyone but myself. 

Well, and the cats.  They are very demanding.

Day 43

Day 43

Saturday, May 10, 2014

My ride picked me up 15 minutes early, at 7:15.  Good thing I had gotten up really early (5:30) and was pretty much ready.  The only thing I had to do was go around and let cats out of the back hall.  I had a tote with some water, pop tarts, and a small baggie of donuts (those tiny crumbly messy powdered sugar kind, I had a few in the freezer).  The lady, J, who picked me up had 2 of her 4 kids with her; and in town we also picked up D before going to DSS’s house.  There everyone shifted rides; I rode with TGF and DSS, so had the option of eating my snack/breakfast without worrying about having enough for kids.  They did stop at a grocery store for snacks for all the kids (and anyone else that wanted anything) since it was so early.

We got to Greenville 2 hours early (TGF had been told to arrive early and be prepared for a lot of traffic.  There were 3 separate ceremonies .. but we got there before the first one … hers was 2^nd … was out, so we actually had no traffic issues).  The parking attendant told us that when the first group started leaving, we’d have the option of moving the cars closer to the coliseum.  But, since they provided a handicap shuttle, they let D and I ride and everyone else walked. 

J and D between them made a point of helping me get around.  Once we got inside to our seats, we still had an hour wait.   I sat between DSS and J, though there was a sort of V shaped gap between J and I, where the row of seats “turned a curve”.

The wait was a lot boring.  DSS mostly picked on TGF’s youngest and J’s son, who were in the row in front of him..  TGF’s BFF sat on the other side of DSS.  Beyojng her were TGF’s 2 oldest boys.  On the other side of J wasTGF’s next youngest, and beside him her dad.  J’s daughter sat in front of her.  J spent most of the time either reading from her tablet, taking picures with it, or talking to D.  I really didn’t have much in common with the friends, couldn’t see much of what was going on, so felt a little out of place.  But it wasn’t *awful*, just vaguely sad at times.

The ceremony itself was pretty much routine … and long.  And this was the “short version”!  (TGF had the option of graduating with the entire class of around 3000, or with the college of education, in which each graduate is named as they walk across the stage). 

I’m tempted to say I’m “proud” of TGF.  I’m not sure that’s quite the right word I want to use.  But I am very impressed with her.  I know it’s clear from what I say that I don’t always like her very much.  She’s very self-centered, and at times can be very thoughtless.  But she’s also stubborn .. and that has enabled her to, over a 6 year prriod, get her GED, graduate from a junior college, and then graduate from ECU with a teaching degree.  All  except for the last 4 months of student teaching she was doing while working full time, as well as raising (regardless of how I feel about her “technique”) 3 boys, plus dealing with DSS (his home, his business, his “baggage”) for the last 2 years.

She’s accomplished a lot.

After the ceremony, D and I waited for the shuttle again while the rest walked back to the cars.  When we got all sorted again and left, the traffic still wasn’t bad.  TGF made a quick grocery stop (note: TGF didn’t have any cash, but had food stamps .. that’s why the grocery store instead of fast food stops) for snacks.  I stayed with what I had with me.

We went from Greenville bac to S’field to her mom’s house.  The mom hadn’t gone along (reasons irrelevant), but wanted pictures.  We took a lot .. although some on mine aren’t so good (hard to do when you can’t actually see what’s in the view-finder! LOL!  And the BFF took some, but wasn’t sure how to work my camera). 

Then, when we were about to leave, TGF’s sister called ..  she was at the grocery store (naturally one far away from where we were), she had all 5 kids and no bottles for the babies.  So, we headed over to her … TGF’s dad is a mechanic.  After a long time in the hot parking lot (I did go inside to get a few provisions while I had the chance, but didn’t want to get much since I didn’t know how much longer we’d be out there waiting).

Once the car was temporarily fixed, TGF brought me on home.  She even took a minute to come in and fix that dratted remote!  It was close to 6:00, so a little over a 10 hour day.  I fixed some quick supper, and sat and watched (“watched” with my eyes closed!) some reruns and went to sleep fairly early.

I must have been even more tired than I thought, because I didn’t get up until nearly 7:00 this morning.  I got an email (I think sent last night) from DS that he and the kids were thinking about driving over today for a visit.  He *could* have called! LOL  .. but there’s a very good chance it was very late last night when he sent the message.  I suppose I need to go on and shower and get the day started.  TGF said they’d see me today, but I would be surprised.   She will be spending as much time with her dad as possible before he has to go back north.  Then she’ll be spending time with her kids, and probably with her mom.  And TGF may or may not go visit his mother.  If they come over it won’t be until in the afternoon or evening.  And I don’t expect DS will show up before mid afternoon at the very earliest.  But, I still have to take care of my cats; and start a load of laundry.  And I think I have a few odds and ends to straighten up.

I think I’ll get another cup of coffee and give the house a walk-through before I get in the shower.  Then I can just sit and wait.