Day 251

Day 251

Wednesday, January 29 2014

Physical:

As I thought might happen, DH got to the point he was tired of laying in bed.  It takes longer and longer stretches (days) for him to get there; I wonder if it’s a matter of moments of clarity (relatively anyway) and he is still fighting against giving in to his frailty.  Then again, I could not get his mind to let go of the idea he had to go to work!  Even once he was dressed and in the living room .. he made the comment that he hadn’t realized that home was so close to the A&P warehouse! 

I couldn’t get him to eat, even with snack junk; and he only ate one bowl of soup.

He insisted all day that he didn’t sleep well the night before, but I don’t think he can tell the difference any more.  He slept well all last night, and has not had a very early morning wake up yesterday or so far (6:00 AM) today.

People:

The world outside our door is totally beautiful, pristine and white .. and treacherous.  The nurse and the CAN both called to check on us; and I had a long conversation with TGF.  But other than that, it was totally quiet here.  It was also kind of boring, because weather reporting pre-empted ALL morning TV.  DH “watched” it (I believe sometimes he just stares mindlessly at the TV – he wasn’t sleeping).  In the afternoon he switched over to the history channel.

Emotions:

At one point he got annoyed with me.  He said he was going to get up and go to the bathroom.  I told him he most certainly was not.  I explained (and yes, I know, it’s an exercise in frustration) again that regardless of what his mind is telling him, the message isn’t getting to his legs and he can’t just “get up”.  And further more, it’s become more and more difficult for me to get him up and down.  So bed to wheelchair, then to lift chair .. and all that in reverse .. is all I’m going to even try to do any more.  No matter how mad he gets, I refuse to risk hurting him or myself with extra lifting.  He’s not at all happy with being told “just go when you must and you’ll be cleaned up”.  But eventually, that’s what will happen; and more and more  he can’t tell what, if anything, he really needs to do.

I did get in a short nap; and I’m pleased with myself that I did limit it.  It felt so good to just sit back with my eyes closed, a nice warm blanket, and a cat in my lap.  But, I got up and spent a bit over an hour getting a lot of progress made on packing up Christmas and getting the upstairs room (not really an “attic”, but that’s how it’s being used) organized.

My weekend off is 2 weeks from tomorrow.  I have a list of things to get done by then to keep busy as well as to have the house presentable for the kids. 

Something I have been pondering lately, and wonder if there’s anything to my thoughts or just mere “coincidence”.  For the last few years, DH has had multiple visits to the hospital, usually for infections of various sorts.  The last time was early March of last year.  As best I can remember, he’s only had one doctor appointment (at Duke) since then, last spring.  He was still going to dialysis clinic weekly, but fairly limited exposure to other people.  In early July he was admitted to hospice, and that ended all doctor appointments.  After a few months, he also no longer has weekly clinic visits either, but just once a month.  So, my point is, he’s not had any infection or illness other than an ordinary mild cold in this year.  Is there a relation between no sickness and much less exposure to the public (and even to going outside)?  It’s not like we’ve eveer had any choices about it, but I still wonder.

We have a record matching low temp this morning; but with no wind, the house ranges from comfortable to tolerable (as opposed to yesterday, barely tolerable to downright cold).

Sometimes I get depressed about all the things I think I need to get done, and feel too tired to do them.  Some of my problem is simple procrastination; and sometimes I am genuinely too tired to tackle rojects.  But I have come to realize that there’s another aspect to this.  I get an idea in my head about something I want to do … and I have a really hard time making myself work on other things first.   Most of the time the “other things” need to be done first; and occasionally I just try to push myself to do things I don’t want to do before I “allow” myself to do something I really wanted to get done.

When I’ve had a decent night’s sleep (got 5 hours, woke around 3:00, back to sleep again until just before 5:00 – so woke up actually feeling awake and rested), I try to go on and tackle more labor intensive projects.  I tend to avoid “noisy” things .. but really almost nothing wakes DH up.  So, this morning – before daylight – I took another 4’ tree upstairs, and a small table, and rearranged a few pieces of furniture.  My goal was to get one small bookshelf to be not so close to the kitchen door because I keep bumping it (even though I know it’s there).   I did succeed, and believe I will be happy with this arrangement.  Of course, now I want to get out a bunch of framed photos; but I WILL resist doing that until the rest of Christmas is packed away.  I have 3 “large” (5’) trees and 3 “small” (4’) trees to go up, as well as 5 or 6 more boxes. My goal is to be completely done by Saturday .

Perhaps it sounds silly to some; but I think I will enjoy my weekend “off” a lot more if I’m content that my house is clean and organized, and will be comfortable for the kids staying here.

There will be no nurse or CAN again today, so I won’t be waiting for anyone or calls.  I have a hard time getting busy on something when I know I could be interrupted at any time.  I’ve actually made a lot of progress this morning, so I don’t feel “guilty” to stop awhile.  I have to get in the shower, take DH pills, feed cats .. and though I’ve washed dishes, I have more.  We had homemade soup the last 2 nights, but enough is enough.  I put the rest in bags (labeled!!!) in the freezer, and took out chicken to thaw.  Now I have to wash up the soup pot! 

One issue I still have to deal with is my eyes.  All but the one drop I use at bedtime have run out.  When we went to the pharmacy Sunday, they checked the computer (by “they” I mean the young man; I wish we’d been able to talk directly to the pharmacist) and said there were no refills due or ready.  But the next morning, drops ran out (no way to tell until I squeeze the bottle and nothing comes out but a bubble!).  I called the pharmacy, and this time talked to the pharmacist.  She said the drops had run out of authorization, and they have faxed the doctor to re-auth.  I tried to call the doctor’s office, but couldn’t get past a recording telling me to call later.  Then, of course, the weather crashed.  I will call the pharmacy today; but in the meantime, I’ve been 3 days (today makes 4) without them.  If everything is straight by Sunday, I’ll still have 12 more days until my next appointment.  I believe the red drops did help.  My vision hasn’t really improved much .. but my eys don’t burn and itch and water all the time, which is a great improvement!

I’ve worked hard already this morning, and I’ve babbled on a lot.  Not all of it has to do (not directly anyway) with DH … but I spend so much time alone, that the words just spill out.  I know there are a few people who read this (which always surprises me, because I’ve never promoted it; and I would think it would be pretty boring to most people) .. but even if no one read it, I still sometimes have to write out what’s on my mind.

The morning weather lady (and by the way, the ice desk is gorgeous!  I can’t see it well, but what I can see is impressive) said that the best way to celebrate record low temps is with cupcakes.  I wish I had cupcakes.  I wish someone would brave the weather and roads and bring me some cupcakes from one of those fancy shops that seem to be popping up these days.  Yeah, yeah, I know, NOT gonna happen! LOL!!  But nice to dream.

Time to quit dreaming and get this day in gear!