Day 246

Day 246

Frisday, January 24 2014

Physical:

This was a somewhat odd day.  It was SO cold, the house didn’t really warm up much until mid afternoon (and then chilled back down).  The kitchen/den area is very cold, even with the heater on it’s highest setting.  Cold air is just pouring in around the window.  The bedroom was also chilly, and that’s the main reason he stayed in bed.   Surprisingly, he didn’t sleep all day.  I raised the head up soon after he’d had a bath (a very abbreviated one due to the chill,) and it stayed that way until he was ready to go to sleep.  He watched TV, dozed a little but not much, and ate whatever I took to him.  He didn’t fuss about being there either.  At one point he started talking about getting up to go to the bathroom, and I simply refused.  He didn’t press the point; and in the end, he really didn’t have to yet anyway. 

He went quickly to sleep (though we waited later), and had a good night.

Around 6:00 AM I heard him calling out, and went to check.  He said he was calling the warehouse to tell them he wouldn’t be there.  He also said he’d been laying on a pallet but couldn’t get up.  I persuaded him that he was where he was supposed to be, nice and warm, and he went on back to sleep.

People:

The CAN was the only one today.  I am not surprised that my SIL didn’t come back this week in the cold .. her driveway is likely treacherous.  I’m disappointed the volunteer never called.  I half way thought the social worker might call, since she and the chaplain seemed to be on the same schedule; but I never heard from her either.  I think there are too many things she was supposed to be checking on .. and it’s not happening .. so she’s just simply not coming here.  Too bad she doesn’t know that in the end arrangements have been made without her help!

Emotions:

I didn’t wake up until 4:30, so about 6 hours .. very good for me!  It was so cold, I didn’t get out from under my quilts until  a bit after 5:30,. I just watched crummy Saturday morning TV for awhile.  Then I put a kettle on to heat some water, made a cupa, checked on DH, then came in to check email (nothing but junk as usual).  It’s chilly in here, but at least not downright cold! 

I don’t actually mind washing dishes with heated water.  I can bath using a basin of heated water.  I can even wash my hair at the sink using a pitcher of heated water.  But I have a very hard time bringing myself to do any of that in cold!!  At some point today I will manage personal bathing in the bathroom (that’s actually nicely warm).  The dishes .. not so sure.  And because I put off doing dishes, I tend to avoid cooking any more than I can help to create more dishes.  Well, that’s actually kind of normal anyway I guess. 

Friday I actually made a bit of progress: I moved some things around upstairs, located boxes I needed, and got ALL of the nativities packed up.  In the end I spent very little time napping .. apparently it did pay off.  But also, DH being in bed all day meant no back strain or achy joints from getting him up and down.  I think for a change maybe I was “too” tired to sleep well.  Unfortunately, that’s not the norm.  I seriously doubt he’s going to settle for another day in bed, cold or not.  And truthfully, I don’t want him to.  The nurse says – and I tend to believe her – the day will come when he is completely bed-bound.  But he’s not there yet, and I’m not going to try to force him to be that isolated.

I still get spells, especially when I’m really tired, where I just get weepy.  But with something to look forward to plus enough to keep me busy while I count down days, I’m doing a lot better.

I also think the inflammation in my eyes must be getting better.  They don’t hurt as much, and they don’t water all the time now.  My vision might even be fractionally better – although that could be just wishful thinking.  In any case, not having watery eyes all the time is definitely an improvement!   I’ve also noticed that when I have a sense of accomplishment (for example, so much stuff cleared out of the attic and out of the house; and making progress on packing holiday stuff) I feel better.  Well duh! It’s just hard sometimes finding the balance between enough energy to get done things to give me that feeling, and still handling all the things (meals, dishes, laundry, and all of DH’s needs plus getting him up and down).  Some days I succeed; more often I don’t.  And when a lot of those getting-nothing-done days pile up, I start getting depressed again.

It doesn’t help that I have S.A.D. and have a harder time functioning with so many cloudy cold gloomy days. 

I love this house.  This is the first place I’ve lived for more than 5 years in – literally – 50 yeaers.  It took the first 5 years to feel like we might actually stay awhile!  But I’ve worked on getting things nice.  I know it’s still a dump compared to the nice homes my family has; but it’s not bad.  I’ve been able to acquire *things* that make us hepy and comfortable.  Now, though, I’m becoming afraid we’ll be forced to move.  I dread that more than anything.  For one thing, I just can’t afford to move.  And we’re barely getting by on our fixed income (and what I have “put back for the future – not nearly as much as it should have been mostly due to medical bills – can’t be touched for a number of years yet), so finding a place even remotely comparable that we can afford is unlikely.  So either we are forced to give up most of all the stuff we’ve managed to hang on to after so many moves and get a cracker-box apartment (which *some* people think would be perfectly OK, with no regard to how unhappy we’d be there) .. or we find another cheap old house with only fractionally fewer issues. 

I can do without all the yard.  There’s no one to take care of it any more.  I can’t pay someone any more.  DH can’t use the riding mower of course; and I can’t see well enough.  All the gardens that were so lovingly build up and tended have now gone to weed.  So small or no yard is not a problem; but a porch for containers would be necessary.

Another thing I seriously have to think about is DH.  As long as we’ve lived here, he still doesn’t know where he is.  It’s like a home version of “50 First Dates”!  At least once a week or so I take him into the living room and he says he’s never seen that room before.  So how much more would it upset or confuse hm to move somewhere else?

I know I’m just rambling, and these thoughts don’t have much to do with DH.  But that’s just where my mind meanders in the very chilly early morning.

I took him the “early” pill (one he has to have at least an hour before the others).  He was telling me he’d gone to the warehouse and laid down on the cement.  Then he decided that since he already had a cold he didn’t need to work.  He got someone to give him a ride “here”; and his wife is going to call someone later because at home they have no water.

It’s really odd how bits and pieces of things come together in his mind .. like a kalaidescope (sp?).  It’s constantly forming different scenes, and they;re all very real to him.   At least he was content to a ccept that he’s warm and dry and where he’s supposed to be right now.

It’s daylight now.  I have to brave the cold kitchen and get some dishes washed up before the sun comes in my kitchen window (too bright for me to stand there).   And then see what I can accomplish today.