Tuesday, January 28 2014
Physical:
This was yet another stay-in-bed day; but this was mostly because it was the warmest place to be. Usually DH’s room is quite chilly; but today (Tuesday) it stayed warm; plus he had his pile of blankets. Since the rest of the house was tending to be chilly, he was mostly content to stay put. Towards 6:00 or so he asked (demanded) that I take the rail off Why? He wanted to get up. Why? So he could take the food (a banana I took him that he didn’t eat) to the kitchen and make some sandwiches. Yeah, right. But when I said I’d go make him a sandwich, or better yet some hot homemade soup .. he said not yet. It’s beginning to seem like maybe he actually can’t tell if he’s hungry or not. He did later eat 2 bowls of the soup. And he never got out of bed.
He was actually more awake than usual during most of the afternoon, and watched TV. And he still slept reasonably well all night.
People:
The CAN came around mid day, and made sure we had enough supplies to last a few days. TGF called to make sure we had plenty of water, in case the pipes or pump froze. I’m a lot more concerned about them. Even if they leave water running, so the pipes don’t freeze .. the water in the toilet bowls freezes!
Emotions:
I was antsy all day. The forecast was for a major snowstorm. It kept getting later and later, and nothing was happening. Even though we are right smack in the area they originally said would get the highest snow totals, they kept changing it as the day went on. It finally started here as sleet and icy rain .. and not until after dark. I could hear it; but to my profound disappointment, I never could see anything – snow of slett – actually falling. This morning the dining room (the only room with a good big window) is considerably brighter from all the white outside being reflected. I can’t really tell, but it looks like we might have gotten 3 to 4 inches of snow on top of the sleet … which means we have a very icy mess here too.
The sun is supposed to come out later; if it does, I *might* get brave enough to put on boots, coat, hat, gloves, scarves, etc., etc. … and walk out to the mailbox!
Between watching for snow, and trying to keep warm in the house, plus not having to get DH up and down .. it was a less stressful day in some ways. I did get bits and pieces done towards putting up Christmas and getting things back to “normal”. Since I expect today will be a completely quiet day, and the sun should come out, I have high hopes of being busy enough to stop *thinking*.
I had a better night’s sleep than I expected. I simply could not go in the den, where I usually sleep .. it was too cold. So I settled into a not-quite-as-comfy chair in the living room. I slept a lot better than I expected, though I’m sure being warm enough helped. I was about 2 feet away from the heat exchange (or whatever it’s called, the big one with a filter that probably needs to be changed) … and it dried me out so much I couldn’t even swallow! Plus the foot rest has a “gap””, so the back of my legs got cool; but there’s also a ridge that so my legs were too numb to know they were cold!
It also helped that Mr. O put me to sleep!!!
In the last few days I’ve gotten emails from 3 friends .. 2 very old (silver) and 1 new one (gold). I’ve long felt a little abandoned by those I used to correspond with (a year ago I had a penpal, and we wrote every single day. Then one day she wrote that we no longer had anything in common, and she didn’t have time to continue the correspondence. And that was that, I never heard another word from her). I don’t always reply “promptly”, but I try to not be too slack either. Talking to these lovely ladies .. each with a different set of memories or interests .. keeps me a little better focused.
I hope to be productive today. I have a list of things I want to accomplish in my (16 days!!!) time until I get a break. Keeping busy and with a goal in mind helps keep the blues away somewhat. My one concern right now .. well, actually , 2 concerns … one is that the Monday I am planning on could turn out to be a school makeup day. That would make it pretty clear that I’m being greedy and selfish to want so many days “off”. The other is that the weather - always “iffy” in February – could take a nasty turn and cancel the weekend altogether. I know I have to just wait and see, and not “borrow” trouble. People tell me not to worry so much My response is “why not? It’s what I do best!!”
I sit here in the early hours of the morning and babble on about whatever crosses my mind. I try to remember anything significant from yesterday; but I never *quite* capture the feelings. The stress, the concern, the sadness is always lurking in the “back of my mind”. But I am getting better at finding things to keep the negative feelings at bay. Having something to look forward to is helping a lot. People who say they will call or come over, and then don’t, puts me back a step or two. In the end, I can’t rely on most people and I’m on my own. I do wish the people who can’t/won’t lend a hand wouldn’t be so quick to criticize. But that’s just the way it is. I also wish I could develop a “thicker skin”. But if that hasn’t happened by now, it’s not likely to at all.
Funny side story: I was so concerned about those kittens outside. All day yesterday they – the little gray in particular – cried at the door to come in. So last night I closed all the back hall doors, put some water in a bowl, and called them … and there was no sign of them! This morning I tried again … they all came to the door; but wouldn’t come in!! LOL!! So in the end I stuck a dish of food just outside the door. Apparently they’re fine on their own, though I have no idea where or how they stay warm through the night.
The water did not freeze, so I’m going to go wash up a few dishes, get a 2nd cup of coffee and some breakfast, and answer some emails. The dialysis should be finished in another hour, and I can take up the tubing and then get a nice hot shower.
Once I get all my morning chores out of the way, it’ll be time for the series of morning TV shows I watch. I never used to do that; but I find myself turning on the TV just to hear voices .. and sort of get “hooked”. By the time they’re over, it’ll probably be bright and sunny and about as warm in the house as it’s likely to get, so I’ll try to get a lot of progress made on packing Christmas and bringing the house back to “normal”. Well, as “normal” as it ever is .. nearly time to decorate for Valentines!
I was about to go on and post this; and it occurs to me, it comes out sounding like I’m ignoring DH a lot. Not so. But I’ll admit I encourage him to stay in bed, at least through the morning. If he were to be upset or agitated about it, I certainly would get him up. I also go in and check on him frequently. We carry on some very odd conversations. Yesterday he was fretting because he “lost the sunglasses lenses”. This morning he’s fretting (but only a little) about not being able to move over enough to make room for me on the car seat. How odd, how frequently he thinks he’s in a car. I have no idea why that theme plays in his mind so much, but evidently it’s important to him. I know that when he first had to give up driving it bothered him a lot. He was told it was because of his heart condition, so he accepted it (he would have adamantly refused to quit driving if someone had said it was because his mind was starting to wander!!). I guess now he’s happy again in that he can finally drive again. Truthfully, it really is getting harder and harder to get him up and down. He is less able to “help”, and isn’t even aware that he isn’t standing on his own, or mving when he needs to. But regardless, I will continue to do so as best I can … I believe the nurse is right in that the day will come when he no longer gets out of bed at all (except when Medicare forces us to take him to the dialysis clinic). And while he is spending more time in bed, I don’t think he’s really there yet. He sits in his chair for shorter stretches of time most days when he is up. He says his butt hurts and he wants to lay down. That doesn’t actually make sense, because once in bed he never changes position. He used to always sleep on his left side; now he’s not able to roll over. It’s been at least a week, I think, since he’s been strong enough to toss the covers off and throw his legs over the rail in an attempt to get out of bed. Yesterday when he told me to move the rail, in the end he didn’t put up any fuss when I refused (it was already way too late in the evening). Theree have been fewer incidents of him getting extremely agitated over something. That’s a good thing in a way; but it also tells me that the “spark” is getting dimmer. More and more often (more so at night of course) he doesn’t know who I am. And sometimes he gets so confused .. he seems to “know” who I am but at the same time refers to his wife as another person.
I guess, thinking about it, I am a little less stressed because he’s been less agitated. But it is still hard to watch someone you love fade away and nothing you can do about it.
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