Day 33

Day 33

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Yesterday (Tuesday) was an exciting day.  Not in a good way.  It started out OK  I slept well and woke early, and managed to get quite a few things done in the early morning.  There were a lot more things I would have liked to get done; but I guess I knew that with impending bad weather I probably wouldn’t get them all done.

I did get some random bits and pieces done, though not what was actually on my list.  I’ve learned this about myself: if I’m in the mood to do a job, one that needs to be done .. best to just go with it.  Otherwise .. like, if I try to push myself to do some other job first … I may end up not getting either one accomplished.

I got all my clothes from my travels washed; and in the process of putting them away, I went on and pulled out a few last winter things (sweaters).  So I tackled both closets to finish changing over seasonal clothes.  And, I moved a few small tables around to try to come up with what feels like a more pleasing arrangement.

I also made several phone calls.  One of them turned out to be a bust, but at least I tried.  And I have made arrangements for donations to be picked up next week.  That gives me a goal, a time frame, for going through anything else I think I need to get sorted.  Well, I think there will always be something else; but at least not as much!

I got all the laundry caught up, though the last load (towels) is still in the dryer.  I will (I hope) take care of that today.  And I got the den vacuumed.

That’s about as far as I got.  My SIL came over in the early afternoon.  She picked out some books she would like.  She also helped go through several of the small boxes of random odds and ends that I didn’t think should just be thorown away.  Most of it, in the end, really was trash; but a few things I saved. 

As we were sitting in the living room talking, suddenly her phone made a loud piercing noise.  She looked at it .. was a tornado warning.  So she immediately left (her dog was home alone and afraid of storms).  It was faintly thundery and just starting to rain at that point;  I hadn’t even turned on the TV yet. 

Minutes after she left, TGF showed up with  4 or 5 boys .. she was giving a friend’s kids a ride home.  But that person wasn’t home yet, and because of the threatening weather, the boys were afraid to be home alone.  We waited out a heavy storm .. dime sized hail coming down so thickly it looked like a snow storm (yes, even I could see it!).  When the tornado threat disapated, and the storm eased off, she took the extra boys home; but a new warning was issued in the time it took to do that, so she and her 2 came right back here.  We again waited out a severe storm. Again, once it moved on past us, she went on. 

It continued to be thundery well into the evening.  It rained off and on, very hard at times.  Around 7:00 the power went out.  (thankfully I had already eaten my microwave “dinner”!).  I sat in the fading evening light with 2 nervous kitties, and listened to a book.  The power came on after about an hour and a quarter .. and honestly, it’s extremely rare for power here to go off during a storm.

I have to admit, lonliness and sadness aside, I was glad I was not having to worry about DH (oxygen being off, as well as concern for moving to a “safe” place in the house if necessary) during that round of storms.  That was the worse in all the yeas I’ve lived here .. even worse than the tornado outbreak a few years back, when one went within 3 miles of here.  If the one cell had not disapated, we were directly in line with it’s projected path.

During the dark spell, my brother called to check on me (watching weather reports).  That was nice; I’m pretty sure everyone else was dealing with some degree of the same weather system.

I finished the book I was reading.  James Patterson always seems to be very current, but this one (Mistress) was eerie.  I had told DH several times over the last few months that I thought Russia was planning to regain all the old Soviet Union territory, and starting with the Ukraine.  So reading this book gave me chills to a point. 

When I finished the book, I called it a night.  I had a hard time getting to sleep .. it was still thundery, and very hot and muggy in the house.  But I slept well (except for some very odd and vivid dreams).

Today could well be a repeat performance of yesterday’s weather.  It’s now just after 8:00 and just started raining.  Thankfully it’s not thundery (yet).  I may or may not have TV or internet off and on (and how very frustrating that when I most need to know what’s going on, I lose TV reception!).  I know with it so dark and gloomy, as well as potentially serious, I won’t be able to get much done.  I keep the Kindle charged ..  so I don’t need power to read! J

I think I will hurry up and get a shower and some breakfast.  Just in case.

Day 32

Day 32

Monday, April 28, 2014

I got home yesterday (Monday) about a little past noon.  My DIL brought me home, rested awhile and helped with a few “last minute” things, and went on back home.  I am here alone again, but have not been here long enough to be Alone yet.  My cats were SO glad to see me, as I was them.

On Saturday we left early to go to DGS13’s soccer game.  He had to be there at 9:15, a town an hour away.  It was an interesting experience .. I could tell when the whole mass of players moved together in one direction or another; but mostly had to be told what was going on.  They won, 2-0.  In the afternoon everyone pitched in and got the house cleaned up.  I got to use a steam mop – how I wish I had “hard” floors! LOL!  That evening DGD (16 today) had her birthday party.  3 friends came over and they played Trivia.  A few more were able to come later, and DS grilled ‘burgers and ‘dogs.  Then we all watched Frozen (well, I use the term “watched” loosely, as there were 6 little teen girls chattering through the whole thing.  It was quite funny – the way the girls were discussing the movie, you’d have thought it was a documentary, with *real* people! LOL!).  Half way through the movie they stopped for cupcakes and gifts.  After the movie, the girls played a video game that involves “playing” instruments and singing along with rock songs.  When all but the last girl had left, they (we?) started watching Holy Grail.  The last girl left shortly into the movie (was picked up); I have no idea who stayed up to watch it all – I couldn’t stay awake.  It was a Long day!

On Sunday everyone slept last.  DGS had another game (play offs) at 5:00 (had to be there by 4:15).  After the game the team and parents went out fo pizza.  We joined them, but late because one of the moms had locked her keys in her car.  After multiple efforts to open it (all defeated by her anti-theft system), she gave in and called a locksmith.  DS did not want to leave her alone – growing dark -  so we waited.  It was very late getting home again!

So, after a busy weekend, DS and the kids managed – barely – to get off to work and school on Monday morning.  DIL and I got our stuff together and came on back here.

I slept very well.  Was it just because I am home?  Because I was warm enough (their house always feels very cool to me)?  Because my own chair is SO much more comfortable than theirs?  Because Both cats slept with me (actually very unusual)?    It doesn’t matter.

It’s also nice (but not “I-never-want-to-go-anywhere” nice) to get up when I feel like it, turn on the TV (and yest, I missed “real” TV even though I enjoyed all the shows and movies I watched with DIL), make my own coffee, do my own laundry, sit here at my desk, etc.

I appreciate that TGF came by and looked after the cats.  They also came over on Sunday and cut the grass.  I didn’t ask her to water my plants – but I did water well before leaving.  Most of them are used to sporadic watering.  Two looked very unhappy.  This morning one has revived nicely, but one very small one does not seem to be reviving.  It is replaceable!

I am annoyed over small things .. and I wonder if I’m *really* annoyed or if I’m transferring my feelings?  It’s a lot easier to be annoyed at TGF (apparently the boys sat at the kitchen table to eat at some point .. the clean tablecloth had multiple *spots* of unknown origin, and a marble rolling pin was off it’s holder and was sticky).  It doesn’t appear there was any concern about the tablecloth .. just left dirty, no treatments.  (it is now stain-treated, washed, and replaced). 

The cat-in-the-bedroom problem is turning out to be a major issue that I’m not sure how to deal with.  I can’t even remember if I wrote about it or not; but the “stray” cat that had sneaked into the house was trapped in the bedroom when I left.  We had set a trap for it . but when TGF and DSS came by (the same night we left), they discovered the cat had escaped by actually digging a hole in the wall!  Well, DH had always said the room was very poorly constructed. Anyway, they put a board and heavy box in front of the opening, and tht was fine all week.  But by Sunday, some animal (and I think possibly from the outside) had moved the board and ALL the outside cats were inside the house!  They all scrambled out as soon as people got here, and TGF and DSS put the covering back.

When I got home and went in the room, we saw cats scramble out … once they discovered the opening, the clearly were using it to come and go at will.  Not MY will!! 

Later in the evening I went into the room just in time to see (hear) a cat in the process of moving the board to come in.  It changed it’s mind fast!  But I realized I needed something much heavier to block the hole.  I found a bigger (heavier) box, but the other one on top, and then added a big pile of books.  I don’t actually know if all that is going to be heavy enough, but it is for now.  But in the process of trying to block the hole, I discovered that the window frame is coming apart!  That is very scary .. I don’t think if would take much of a wind storm to do some serious damage!  I know I really have no choice but tell the landlord … and even though they’ve always been good to us, it terrifies me.  What if they say that because of the damage I have to leave?  In any case, I don’t want to say anything until I’m caught up with rent (this month is paid, but next month will be late because I have to wait for an additional SS payment I’m due). 

I am obsessing over a lot of superficial things.  I have a list of things I need to get done.  I know it is good for me to keep busy; and I know my house really needs a good cleaning.  It’s very frustrating to *know* it needs to be cleaned but not be able to see what I’m doing beyond a blur.

I came back home with the best of intentions to NOT just sit around and mope, but get busy and DO things.   But it’s a gray morning (though tankfully not cold), and my determination is wavering.  I did rescue my “summer rug” from the porch floor; and will bring it in before storms get here in the afternoon.  I hope to have enough energy and ambition (motivation?) by this afternoon to change out the living room rugs (which involves a LOT of vacuuming, which I hate) and to also get the kitchen floor cleaned.  It does feel a bit odd to know I have no time constraints .. no worry about when I can do floors without worrying about someone walking on them!

I also have more phone calls to make.  I wish I knew why I hate doing that so much.  I get tongue-tied, not sure what to say; and always afraid they’ll ask for information I don’t have.  Actually, most of the calls I need to make don’t even involve “information!  I have to make arrangements for someone to pick up a huge pile of donations; and I have to cancel a pest control contract that I can no longer afford.  Easy .. why do I put it off?? 

I also need to call my SIL to let her know I’m home.  But I’m afraid she’ll want to come over .. and I want to clean first.  I’m afraid she’ll want to help me … and I don’t care how stupid it sounds, I hate giving the impression I’m so incompetent that I need *help* cleaning my house when I’m the only one even here!  I’m having a bit of a hard time switching gears from caregiver to having no one to take care of and nothing to do.

So far the only things I have accomplished are to unpack, and to get several loads of laundry done.  None of it has been put up yet; and I need (want anyway) to do at least 2 more to feel like I’m caught up. 

I made up my mind I should fix breakfast and start the day “healthy”.  Well, I didn’t think about getting eggs when DIL stopped by the grocery store on our way home.  And I’m not sure how old the few left in the fridge are … so I settled for toast (bread in freezer).  Not off to a great start; but I’ll figure it out eventually.

Day 28

Day 28

Thursday, April 24, 2014

I know I’m writing at odd random times.  That’s just how this week is going.  The computer is not in a place that I get good light except part of the day (unlike the lamp I have at home).  And, too, it’s been a bit of a lazy week.  There have been so many details to take care of, it’s good to just not worry about it for a while.

However, today I did have my phone interview with a lady from SSA.  It was really mainly a matter of confirming information they already had.  I was pleasantly surprised to learn I will be getting a little more $ than I expected.  It’s not a lot more to be sure; but every little bit helps.

I still have a few phone calls to make, but I *think* most of the stuff is taken care of.  I still need to finish paying off the funeral home; and until the $$ coming in catches up, things will be pretty tight.  But I’ll manage.  I hope to “hang on” at least until fall.  By then I’ll have to make some decisions on what to do next.  I really love my house; but I don’t know if staying there is going to be practical.  I may have to check out income-based housing .. but where?  I don’t think there is such a thing that’s decent to live in that’s at all close to any family.  Well, I just can’t worry about it now.  I’ll think about it *tomorrow*! J

I’ve been doing a lot better … although the weepy spells do sneak up at unexpected times.  And it seems like everything we watch on TV (well, it’s actually on Netflix here) is always about people dying. 

I like being here, and appreciate all the help.  But I will also be glad to get home.  I miss my cats.  And I’m always cold here.    The ceiling fan (noisy) runs day and night, and most of the time I feel like I’m sitting in a very cold draft.  We haven’t spent much time outside yet, due to DIL’s health issues. 

The coming month may be a little busier than I thought.  That’s not a bad thing.  I’ll be going home either Sunday or Monday (it’s not decided yet).  Whenever I find out the the court has the funds from DH’s bank account, I think DSS will have to take me to get that.  Otherwise, whatever shopping or errands I do will depend on when TGF has time I guess.

On Mother’s Day weekend I think possibly DS and the kids will come visit.  DIL may get to go to CA to visit her family .. it’s been way too long since she’s been able to do that (and her mom’s birthday and a family reunion are coming up). 

On the 14^th I have an eye appointment.  I will probably have to ask DSS to take me to that.

The NB grandkids have end of school concerts on the 19^th and 20^th.  We’ve talked a little about that … maybe DS will come get me and bring me back here for those 2 days, then take me home.  I hate to ask because he already works long hours.  But I’m not sure DIL could do it .. tht would be not long after her getting back from CA, and only a week until her appointment.

I’m going with her to WF at the end of the month; we don’t know yet if DS is going too or not.  We’ll need to go to WS on the 27^th, because her appointment is at 9:15 in the morning. (Note to self: notify DB when we need to descend on him!).  Since we don’t know yet if DS is going along or not, I don’t quite know who will go where .. except that after the 28^th at some point I’m going with DB/SIL on a camping trip in the mountains! 

It all sounds so terribly complicated.  But right now, keeping busy seems to be a good thing.  Although, I can’t say I’m actually keeping very busy here.  I seem to just sit and do nothing all day.  We’ve watched a wide variety of TV shows and movies.  And I’m reading a book inbetween.  I need to get DIL to research some more books so I won’t run out too soon.  I have a $5 coupon and 2 “credits” towards Audible books, so I can get up to 3 more books for less than $10. 

I have emails I need to catch up on, but they will wait until I get home.  I’ve been told I have repairs to my house to del with.  And I have to finish sorting and cleaning.  I really hope during May .. especially the first couple of weeks … I can find people who have time to help me sort through some things.  It all just needs to get sorted and done, and I don’t like it hanging over me. 

Day 25

Day 25

Monday, April 21, 2014

Friday we took our time, but packed up and came back to NB.  Since then I’ve been pretty much lazy.  Sometimes I feel guilty about that; but it’s sort of hard to do things at someone else’s house when you don’t know where things are, and can’t see well enough to find them.

Mostly we’ve just watched shows on Netflix (some Cheers, some CSINY, some Undercover Boxx), and movies.  We layed a silly card game Saturday night.

The whole family went to church Sunday morning.  I’ve always enjoyed  their church.

We had a very nice Easter dinner.

Today the kids were back to school and DS back to work.  DIL had a doctor’s appointment, then in the afternoon I rode with her to do a bunch of errands.

I didn’t even take my computer out of the tote until this morning.  I’ve worked on clearing out a LOT of junk email (DIL will help me eliminate a lot of that over this week). 

I’ve had a few times when sadness crept up on me; but mostly I’ve been around someone (including crazy dogs!!), which helps.

There are still a few random phone calls to make … DIL will help me with that in the morning.  I have an appointment (by phone) later this week SSA, so hopefully it won’t take long to get that straightened out. (but I’m scared to count on it).

I will probably get back to writing more regularly next week; for this week, I’ll post when I have the chance.  The only place to put the computer is the dining table, and it gets used frequently (for games).

Some of the time here is super boring.  Sometimes it’s a little stressful (2 teenagers, 2 big noisy dogs, one tiny noisy dog).  I miss my QUIET cats! LOL!  I’m doing a fairly good ob of not fretting about what I need to do when I get home.  I know I’ll be calmer once the house is in order and the chaos under control .. and all the excess stuff removed.  I’m just trying not to be in such a big hurry.

This house doesn’t have very good lighting anywhere either.  I’m near a window, but daylight is fading a bit.  

Day 21

Day 21

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Other than a frustratingly long wait in the morning, the day went fairly well.  It started out a lot cooler and windier than expected, so TGF didn’t come over “in the morning”.  I tried to find enough “busy work” to pass the time .. not always completely successful.  I just don’t do “wait” very well.   I did manage to get my cheap hollyhock into a pot .. and discovered it’s blooming!  Not bad for $1!!

TGF and the boys (all 4) got here a little after noon; I think around 1:30, but don’t really remember exactly.  I do know that, as usual, she didn’t give them lunch .. and they came over here asking for something to eat.  I really don’t have stuff like that in the house any more.  I know they tried to raid the pantry .. the only thing they found was a box of crackers (which they demolished). 

Anyway, I got out in the yard with them as best I could.  They kept asking me things like “what is this”  or “is this any good” .. how can I answer when I can’t even tell what it is??  I’m sure we threw away things that maybe shouldn’t have been.  But I’m also sure we saved things that we maybe should not have.  Well, even though the job is far from finished, it looks hugely better than it did.  If my cleaning lady friend manages to find a time to come help me, as she offered to do, it might get completely done and look the best it has in years!

Before they finished, DIL got here.  At that point I pretty much stopped and came inside.   Pollen has never been a problem, but dust is.  We were sweeping and I was starting to get a bit chokey.

After the boys got to a stopping point (which was a lot more than I really expected them to accomplish!), they all came inside, and all 6 kids were back in the den.  They were a bit disappointed that they couldn’t get their favorite cartoon channels (I cut Dish back to only basic), but they got over it!

In late afternoon DSS got here, and they quickly threw as much of the bagged and put aside trash as they could in the truck, and took it to the dump.  That’s the part of the clean up job that so often doesn’t get done, so that’s a great help!

When they got back, he loaded the gun cabinets into the truck.  There are still a few ieces of furniture for him to take home (I told him he could have all the cabinets that DH’s craft supplies were in, since he ended up taking most of the junky stuff that would need a home at his house!)  I think he still has one cabinet to get.

Last night the “missing” cat finally turned up in that back bedroom.  That makes sense .. I’m sure she hid in the quietest place she could find!  So after making sure Maggie and Butter were out, we set the trap with a bowl of chicken (canned) .. she has to be hungry by now.  I haven’t checked this morning (it’s too early to open the front door); but I *think* I heard the trap and the cat crying during the night.  Hopefully I can get her outside and put an end to this misadventure! 

I hate for them to not get fed for over a week.  But I’m very much afraid that if the boys put food out for them, the dogs are going to steal it.  No body will be at the house at the time of day I normally feed them; and I doubt they’ll try to feed them in the hall for fear another one will sneak into the house.

I’m trying to convince myself not to worry about them .. they’re really only “strays” … but I sort of consider them mine!!

When I was gone for a weekend, it seemed like they disappeared .. but within a few days, all but one had come back.  I think one of the litter did wander off on it’s own (or met with disaster).  There are still 4 here, especially the smallest, little gray one we call Shadow.  I’m even thinking about letting hm just come in and be fed with my 2 while I’m gone .. they tolerate him ok.  And I can shut off most of the house so can limit the amount of trouble they can get into!

Well, I haven’t finished packing, so better get busy.  Lots to do before travelling later this morning!

Day 20

Day 20

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

I started out the day nervous but hopeful that all the legal junk could be taken care of.  I was, of course, disappointed.  Well, I suppose I have actually done what I could at this point, but it left me feeling worried and  frustrated.

To start with we went to ick up the certificates.  The lady in the office (who was an elderly lady and only “helping out”, wife of one of the owners) didn’t know anything about the computer, so told me to call the Newton Grove office to find out my balance.  She could write me a receipt if I endorsed over a check.  Yeah, that made me feel secure. Not.  But I gave her one of the 2 I had, I felt like I really needed to make some payment. 

Next DSS took me to the bank, but didn’t bother to go in with me.  I asked to access my SDbox  .. and as soon as the lady pulled the paperwork, she started saying we had never filled out new signature cards when the bank changed ownership … yeaers ago!  I have been to the box within that time .. they didn’t mention it then.  And yet now she was saying they needed DH’s signature!  When I explained he was deceased, it completely baffled her, she had no clue what to do then.  So I said how about we just close the box.  Geez, why does everything have to be so complicated???  I still had to sign in 3 different places!  So I got all my paperwork out of the box (DH’s will, a no longer needed PoA, and a handful of birth and marriage certificates.

Then we went to the courthouse in Smithfield.  It was a little frustrating figuring out where to go.  We walked into the door marked “Clerk of Court”. Someone way back at a desk calls out can they help us.  DSS said it was about his father’s death, and that person started trying to tell us to go to the Register of Deeds.  I said no, I have the DCs, I was told to come here.  So then she says “oh you want estates” and directed us through another door (actually into the same big room!!) where we were told to sit and wait.  It wasn’t very long, and the lady who finally helped us was nice.  But things did not turn out the way I thought.  For one thing, on the phone I had been told I needed a copy of DH’s bank statement; but the bank refused to give me one (and there is a long, complicated, and largely irrelevant history to there not being a statement).   I was trying to explain this; and the lady said that my particular bank was not overly cooperative with them (she said it was because their home office is in a different state, and so even though they send paperwork according to NC laws, the bank often rejects them because they don’t comply with lasws from their home state.  DSS has another opinion on that altogether, but since he hates everyone in any kind of authority, I tend to disregard his theory!).  After nearly panicing, she says all she needs is his account number.  Really???  No one could have told me THAT on the original phone call???  Fortunately, I had a paer with all of the bank account numbers (although it took some frantic searching through my wallet – made more frantic by the fact that I can’t actually tell what any of the things I pulled out were).  She filled out a whole bunch of stuff on her computer; I had to sign 3 different forms; and I had to pay $10.  And I was told that they would send forms to the bank, the bank will send them the funds from that account, and the court will send me a check.  Eventually.

I left there frustrated and disappointed.

We went back to Benson.  I made a quick grocery store stop (also interesting .. haven’t been in a store by myself in a very long time.  I only wanted a few more frozen dinners, so just had to pick some at random.  I have no idea what I got.  I ate one last night – I still have no idea what it was!).  Then I went by the bank and deposited the other check I had.  We went by DSS’s house to pick up some things (cat food) that had been left in the car Sunday (he drove me in his truck), then he took me on home.  I was home (and starving!) by 1:00.

I hope no one will be upset with how I am juggling things, but right now I don’t feel like I have a lot of choice.  On Friday, on our way to New Bern, I will stop and draw enough from the ATM and go by and pay the rent (for April)  As soon as I get home from NB (will be there about 9 days), I will get DIL to take me to the FH (and that does NOT mean “fun house”), and I will pay the rest of the amount from the check I deposited; and as soon as I get the check clearing out DH’s account, I will take that money to the FH.  At that point, as things stand now, I *think* I will still owe them $800.  But like I said, I haven’t been able to get a current balance from them.

I’m not very happy with how everything is set up right now, but I’m doing the best I can. 

During the afternoon I got very little done.  I had thought I would feel relieved and relaxed .. instead I just felt anxious and restless.

In the early evening a friend called and talked for close to an hour.  That was fine, it wa nice .. up until I was told I have no common sense.  That really hurt my feelings.   Here’s the thing:  for many years I’ve had to be the one to handle all the bills.  For over a year I’ve had DH’s wallet, so he hasn’t even had access to the bank cards.  So there’s really no possible way he has some outstanding account.  And if there’s something out  there more than several years old that hasn’t been sending any sort of statements or anything .. well, they’re out of luck because there isn’t any money.

Nevertheless.  No one .. not the funeral director, not the bank manager, not the clerk of court … said anything about I should put an ad in the papers saying he was deceased and if anyone thought he owed them something they needed to speak up now.  And yet, I was told, I should have done that, that it was just common sense that I should have known to do it.

I am SO tired of people telling me .. particularly after the fact .. that I “should hae known” this or that.  Exactly HOW should I have known?  It’s not like I’ve been through this experience before.

And to top off my evening, one of the outside cats got in.  That was my fault, and I guess the only solution is I have to stop feeding them too.  I don’t want to .. as long as they’re outside, they’re nice and friendly (and the littlest one really really wants to be an inside cat).  But in order to let them eat and the dogs not steal their food, I resorted to letting them in the back hall.  It’s only a very small area.  They dash in, eat, dash out (well, actually, they dash at the door until I open it!).  But yesterday I wasn’t careful going in the hall from the den to let them back ouside, and one of the cats darted past me.  And since I can’t see well, the cat is somewhere in the house!  My cats know he/she is in, but there have been no gights.  However, at one point the cat got into the bathroom, and I thought I could catch it.  Big mistake.  HUGE mistake.  That cat did not want to be caught, and it was frantic to get out.  It got up on the vanity, and was trying to get “through” the mirror … and in the process, was knocking everything over on the top!!!  And a lot of that is glass.  I totally panicked, but the cat finally got off there, and out of the bathroom.  It’s still in the house .. waiting for someone to get here (DIL and TGF both supposed to come today) that can set the trap to try to catch the cat and take it back outside.

After cleaning up the mess on the bathroom counter, turned out there was actually only one casualty.  I had a fragile little glass jar (originally a potpourri jar) that I kept hair pins in.  I think I found all of the shattered pieces of glass .. but there again, will have to wait for someone who can see to be sure.

All the cats settled down for the night.  Although I heard the stray crying a few times in the middle of the night, there were no more “incidents”.

Now I have to get showered and dressed.  DIL (unless she has a bad day) is supposed to come today with her 2 kids, and tomorrow we’ll go back to NB for a week.  TGF said she’ll come this morning with the little boys to clean some of the mess out of the yard (sometimes whining about things enough pays off!!).  I’m not sure how much I can help, but I can sweep and I can hold trash bags. 

I sure hope at least some things get accomplished today to help reduce my anxiety level.  

Day 19

Day 19

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Yesterda, (Tuesday) was not *quite* as stressful.  There were only 2 very brief phone conversations .. otherwise all “human contact” was email.  But the certificates came.  Not to me .. to the funeral home!  It would have reduced my stress level an awful lot if they’d made that clear (and it’s not just me .. DIL was under the impression they’d be mailed to me also).  At least one thing to stop fretting about.  But today is the day for taking care of court house and bank business, and I’m a bundle of nerves.  I just don’t like having to deal with things when I have no idea what I’m doing.  Not being able to see well isn’t helping … I have this fear of having a bunch of papers shoved at me, to “read”, to sign, whatever.  I don’t know how much help DSS is going to be .. he really has no choice!  And I’m still very concerned about the whole bank business.  The bank manager cannot give me any sort of print out of the bank account without the release form from the clerk of court.  But the lady at the clerk’s office told me when I called (2 weeks ago!) that I would need to bring something from the bank as proff of how much is there.  I don’t have a bank statement .. I think the account *might* be set up paperless.  That’s another frustration.  The account was supposed to have been set up (or rather, changed last spring) to I could check it online.  But every time I tried to access it, after it was set up, it requested a “security question” to be answered .. and it was NOT a question I set it upp with.  There’s only one possible answer .. but I’ve tried several anyway, and nothing works.   It’s such a relatively small amount .. about $437 … but I NEED it to pay the April rent.  I have no way of knowing how long it will take to get my income adjusted .. but I’m willing to bet it’s nowhere near as fast as they stopped DH’s!

I know I’m getting myself stressed out again this morning, just thinking about it.  I really hate all this stuff.  And I know I’m repeating myself .. but it is SO stressful to have to deal with things when I have no clue what to do, who to see, how it will go.  And I’m a bit resentful because I was sort of under the impression that hospice would help be be prepared for all that stuff ahead of time; but that just didn’t happen.  They really did take good care of DH; and the whole point was to keep him as comfortable as possible and allow him to die peacefully at home.  That did happen.  But I still have this vague feeling that we were treated as not quite as important as other patients.  There were several times the nurse was “late”, or had to change the day she came (not that we actually knew when either of those would be) because she had to be with patients who were “actively dying”.  And yet, when she changed DH’s status  .. she merely went on her way.  And the meeting that was supposed to happen .. just didn’t.  The social worker squeezed in a quick stop at the end of the day on her way home.  And there was never a single word from the chaplain.  I’ve said it beore, and haven’t changed my opinion:  it feels like we weren’t as important as other people; he went quicker than she thought he would; and they just slammed that door shut, end of story.

I do not have time this morning to get so side tracked.  DSS will pick me up around 9:30, and we will try to get all this stuff done.  Of course, this would be the morning I didn’t wake as early .. but that’s because it turned cold!!  I did have the heat turned way back; and I slept fine, nice and warm (quilt plus cat).  But this morning I had to give in and turn it up so I can get a shower without turning blue!

I did a few random jobs around the house; but the bulk of what’s left to be cleaned or sorted is stuff I need help with.  I know there’s no need to rush through it; but it stresses me knowing it’s all sitting there.  I don’t know if it’s the stuff just sitting and waiting that bothers me, or the having to wait until someone has time and inclination to come out here and help.  It’s been made abundantly clear TGF is not going to do any more; and I think DSS has pretty much decided he’s sorted all that matters to him.  The rest is an awful lot of random stuff, and I refuse to just throw everything away without even an idea of what it is.

I guess the house is warm enough now, and I need to go on and be ready (not that I think he’ll be here on time!).  Sitting here dreading this day is not going to make it go any faster or smoother!

Day 18

Day 18

Monday, April 14, 2014

I seem to be in a new sleep pattern, not sure I’m liking it very juch.  At night no matter how hard I try I fall asleep with the TV going .. wake up sometime after he news and turn it off.  But then I wake up around 5:00 and can’t go back to sleep.  I would love to be able to sleep late (and not feel guilty about it) .. but it just doesn’t seem to happen.

For a long time back over the winter (especially with it being so cold) I was able to nap during the afternoon … but I was a lot more physically worn out then.  Now instead of napping, I just seem to pace restlessly.

Yesterday was another one of those see-saw days that are driving me crazy.  Very early in the morning the supply truck came and picked up the dialysis machine and the remaining boxes of supplies. During the late morning I had an extremely nice very long conversation with my SIL (TX).  Late in the afternoon DS actually called me .. highly unusual .. and we had a nice conversation.

It was the in between times that about drove me up the wall.  I have several pphone calls I need to make.  I have to try to find out who/what/why DH apparently subscribed to something that was coming out of our medical account.  I had asked him about it a very long time ago; so that means a huge amount of $$ was being sucked into whatever it is, and it makes me mad.  It is my own fault … I checked the account regularly; but apparently my timing was such that I never noticed that coming out.  The amounts spent were eratic (different meds being refilled at different times, plus supplies bought at random times).  Whenever the account got low, I put more into it until there wasn’t any more to put in.  And then that whatever it is hit again!  It made the account overdrawn at the worst possible time …. And I MUST find a number to try to call and get it STOPPED!   The bank can’t give me anything but a name.  I can’t even call information, because I don’t have a location.  And no matter how hard I try, I can’t enlarge my screen enough to be able to locate it by googling.

I also have a contract with an exterminator.  Technically, I think the actual original contract expired, but unless I say otherwise they continue to come every 3 months.  The man will be due in a few weeks .. I need to cancel that too.

And I really need to contact someone … I no longer care who … to pick up the pile of donations that is getting out of hand.

And to top it all off, the certificates I need still haven’t come .. and I can’t find the number for the correct office to follow up on that. 

So all of these important things that need to get done, and I can’t do anything but wait until my DIL comes on Thursday and can help me.  I did try to email TGF to see if she could look up a couple of numbers, but she never even responded to my email.  Well, it’s spring break, so I’m sure she and her kids have lots to do.  (which does not, as originally promised, include helping clean my yard … she’s decided they won’t bother until I get rid of the dogs.  I suppose I’m supposed to catch them one at a time and walk to town (it’s only about 10 miles) and take it to the shelter (and pay $20).

TGF did make it very clear way back last fall that coming out here is most inconvenient and they just can’t be doing it “all the time”.  I’m bordering on afraid to leave my cats at home alone for such a long time (9 days), because I just can’t be sure how often they’ll actually be fed.  And certainly the litter boxes won’t get cleaned.  And even though I’m looking forward to getting to visit family .. I will not get rid of my cats.  In between visits I’m still home alone the vast majority of the time, and they are company for me.  And I just love my cats.

I did have a few spurts of energy in between bouts of temper.  I sorted through some stuff the DS had put aside as “junk”.  It’s all neatly on shelves awaiting being gone through.  A lot of it may well be junk not worth keeping … but I know there are some things mexied in that at the least could be useful to someone else (to be added to the ever growing donation pile).  There’s still some paper stuff .. not a huge amount … to be sorted to make sure there isn’t anything important.  I even found some photographs in one of the plastic boxes.  Ironic that DSS put  things aside without really digging through .. because I *think* (with my limited vision, can’t be sure) they’re the kind of pictures he is looking for.

I completely cleaned off the shelf in the guest room closet, although I have a lot of stuff I don’t know what to do with.  One full (smallish) box .. of slides!!  The slide projector “died” years ago. That box may have to be just put back in the corner of a closet for now.  After 4 years, I still can’t get through a box of pictures from my parents without getting choked up.  I’m terrified that by the time I’m emotionally able to go through pictures, I’ll be too blind to see them.

I also found some art supplies I have put aside for a niece.  I’m trying to give appropriate things to people who want things .. but without just stripping all of DH away from mylife.  All the things he did … photography, models, carving, painting, even ribbon roses .. they are all an integral part of our life together, and I’m not wanting it to all disappear.  Quite a few things have already been given away .. to the point that I hid a few things to be sure I kept them.  I’m fine with sharing things like his cameras, art or craft supplies I know I’ll never touch … just not quite so much of the products of his endeavors.  I don’t want to short-change anyone who wants keepsakes.  I’m trying to find a middle ground without making anyone unhappy but without leaving myself with nothing. 

People keep telling me to “take my time” with the sorting process.  They’re not understanding that (1) the chaos makes me nervous and anxious; and (2) I pretty much have nothing else to do .. and even at that, most of what I’m doing is getting things sorted into boxes and putting them as neatly as I can on shelves to await assistance.

One small thing I was able to accomplish was to reduce my internet bill.  I had the service knocked down to a lower leel; and in addition the tech gave me a discount of $10 a month for 3 months.  He said since I mainly only use my computer for email, it won’t really effect my service.  What it would affect would be if I streamed movies or something, which I never have.  I don’t know how much it will affect (effect??) when anyone else is here using their devices … or if it will make any difference to watch Netfix.

It’s still not even daylight outside yet.  I’m wide awake .. gonna be a long day.  It isn’t raining right now, but we’ve already had a couple of rounds of hard rain.  They’re saying storms by afternoon .. which could very well mean no TV or internet.  And I can’t bring my books up on my Kindle.  It’s really going to be a LONG day.  And worst of all is the cold following the storms .. down to freezing tonight.  I’ve turned the heat way back, and I have plenty of quilts and blankets.  But like everyone else, I’m SO tired of the cold!!  I know in a few months I’ll be unhappy with the heat too (and because I have to really watch the electric bill now, I’ll have the a/c set pretty high)  But, I do have fans.

After all the conversation, and despite my anger over the suggestion, clearly I will NOT be even considering moving to that specific complex.  But, regardless of advice to not make any changes for a year … that does not take into account that sometimes there is no choice.  Right now I just don’t know what I’ll be able to do.  And there’s the added stress of knowing that now that I’m here alone (meaning no one coming out to visit or check on DH),  the ones who live closest seem to be much less inclined to be bothered with me.  A few things of mine got left in the car Sunday (i.e., she meant to send the oldest BGS out to get a bag of cat food out of the car) ..  and even though she’s on break this week, she can’t be bothered to bring it to me.  Good thing I’m not completely out yet.   But the point is, while I have no problem living “way out here” alone, I do have a problem with being “trapped” out here and no way to go anywhere.  I resent having to beg for help to take trash to the dump, or pick up eye drops, or get groceries .. or even just get out. 

If I was going to move at all, I wish I could afford the area where my one niece lives; but that’s pretty much out of my reach.  I think I’m going to be pretty much limited to income-based rentals .. and I’m not at all sure there are any of those in neighborhoods I’d be comfortable to live in.

I don’t have to worry about it this morning.  For now I have enough to struggle with just to make stupid phone calls and sort mail.  It’s finally starting to be a little light outside (hard to tell on such a dreary wet day), it’s time to get the day started.

Day 17

Day 17

Sunday, April 13, 2014

I can’t seem to keep track of what the date is any more!    But I do know .. well pretty sure … yesterday was Sunday.

It was a fairly good day for a change.  I had fewer “sadness attacks”, although they are still (and probably will be for a long time) unpredictable.

I managed to get some of the chaos contained and somewhat organized.  The general mess scattered all over the house was making me very anxious.  Several areas that I have requested help with sorting out are now (mostly) contained in one spot.  I’m sure I will continue to find things in unexpected places!

With the help of good advice, cooling down time, and hearing a “correction” has helped me get past my anger about *plans* for my future.  Among other things, it seems a statement made to me by TM was blatantly opposite of what had been said to her.  I will not dwell on it any more, enough to say that particular move is Highly unlikely to ever happen!!

For now, I at least have an idea of a plan that might help me make it through the next 4 months (after which time, I have confirmed that some promised extra income is still “on”.  Not “safe” to plan on things like that, but right now I have no choice, and the “party involved” is aware of that).  I really have no idea if my idea will work or not, I will figure out something else.  It’s a bit infuriating to be in this position.  I should have had a “safety net”.  But years of hospital and other medical expenses, plus “needy children”, sucked me dry.  I resent it, but I can’t change it.  I have to learn to deal with things as they are.

Today .. sometime in the next 3 hours .. the last of the dialysis supplies will be picked up.  That will be hard … even though I’ve not had to “do” the dialysis for over 2 weeks, the machine and a hall full of boxes has been part of my life for 2 ½ years.  I don’t know why, but having that stuff leave just *feels* more final than when the hearse left (because I didn’t have to actually see DH leave).

A lot of the chaos I “organized” is now in disarray again.  DSS has been more help than I thought.  But.  There is a huge amount of “stuff” that needs to be gone through … apparently he only glanced in various boxes, decided he wasn’t interested, and pput it aside as “junk”.  I can’t count on TGF to help with any of that.  So I will have to wait and see who will find time to help a bit here and there.  My DIL and 2 grands will be here Thursday.  She might be able to help (the kids have an “assigned project”), but I don’t know how much “legal” stuff I’ll have by then that I’ll need her help with.  It is just MEGA frustrating to have such limited vision  (and yet not be considered “legally blind”, so I don’t have access to services I might otherwise have).  Ihave come up with a “trick” that sometimes helps with mail.  I can take a picture, download it, and then enlarge.  The trouble is, it’s very hard to find just the right distance so that when I enlarge the  picture it’s still legible (often blurs out too much).  And it’s even more frustrating to get it “just right” and discover I’ve photographed it upsidedown! 

The weather coming up this week is not working in my favor!  Some of the bonus grands are supposed to come do some yard cleaning … but with storms predicted, ppossibly as early as this afternoon … there’s a good chance it won’t happen.  I’m still waiting for certificates (if not in today’s mail, will have to figure out who to call to find out where they are).  If they don’t come within the next few days, I’ll have to postpone (or even miss) the trip to NB, because the legal stuff has to get taken care of soonest. 

The supply truck could be here any time in the next 3 hours, so I need to get off here before I start getting myself weepy again.  It’s too early to start making calls; surely I can find something to do! 

Day 16 (continued)

(the rest of) Day 16

Saturday, April 13, 2014

In the end, it was an OK day.  I’m not saying there were no ups and downs; but there were some interludes to counteract them.  During the afternoon DSS and TGF came by.  I’m still not quite really sure why.  They didn’t stay long enough to call it a “visit”.  I suspect the actual reason was to see if I had yet located a photo DH had taken of water that DSS wants to take to a friend of theirs (to use to make an art quilt).  Looking through photographs just hasn’t been much of a priority these days.  They did take some trash off at least.  But they didn’t take any of the things they claim are going to their house.  And they didn’t sort anything at all.  DSS is obsessed with finding one tiny piece of metal, and there’s just no telling where it could be.  He doesn’t even know when his dad last handled it.  It seems all the “cleaning” of drawers he has done was only a side effect of looking for that thing.  It’s tiny, and I wouldn’t recognize it; but at least I know I never throw away DH’s stuff.

The other thing was that  my brother called, and talking to him always tends to perk me up.  He gave me .. as he always does .. some very good and useful advice.  Apparently reliable sources say that one should not make a major move or decisions for at least a year after a traumatic life event (such as losing a spouse). That makes sense of course; and while I may not have the “luxury” of waiting a year to make decisions (too many variables I can’t count on right now), at least I feel like  I have “ammunition” to prevent anyone from rushing me into something I’m not at all sure about.

I really don’t see any logic at all in moving to Smithfield.  Why would I move to where the only person I know is crazy?  She might be fine one day .. but I might get drawn into their ridiculous family drama the next.  No thank you.

So, where else are there low income complexes that are suitable to live in?  Perhaps I need to get DIL to do some research.  The thing is, if I have to narrow down my options .. they would be NB first (though doesn’t seem like there’s much there); or maybe Raleigh (truthfully, I wouldn’t mind living in one of the nice downtown condos .. even though I know I’d have to win the lottery to pull that off!!). 

I need to just get all that out of my head for now and figure out what to do for the next few months at the very least.  I do have some glimmers of ideas  .. but they depend on  (1) other people keeping promises, and (2) my powers of persuation.  And I can’t deal with any of that until I get the certificates and get immediate needs taken care of.  I’m told I should call about the certificates since it’s more than 2 weeks now … but WHO do I call??  I guess I’ll start in the morning with calling the funeral home.  Perhaps they can tell me … and I can also verify the balance I owe.  My extraordinarily generous family has sent funds to help out with that .. just haven’t been able to go to the bank yet  In fact, TGF is taking me this afternoon to refill eye drops (which ran out 2 days ago) .. that’ll be my first time out since running errands with DIL last Tuesday. The point being, I’m just as “stranded” as I was when I had to be here to take care of DH.   And that’s why moving to civilization appeals.  I wish I could just pick my whole house up and plop it down in a nice neighborhood with small yards, lots of trees, sidewalks, and sociable people.  Not gonna happen.

I worked again on cleaning the guest room closet.  It seems an odd place to work on, but there’s nothing else I can do anywhere else until some things are removed.  Tomorrow the last of the dialysis supplies will be gone.  Then I’ll have a set of partially empty shelves I can use for “staging”.   But there are still so many things to figure out.

I’m hoping my nursey-niece will come visit and help me go through an abundance of medical supplies accumulated over the last 30 or so years!!  What is worth keeping?  What should be tossed?  And what is useable to someone else?

There’s still a lot of random papers to go through, though DSS did a lot of that while searching for that silly part.  He threw out everything, so I just have to assume there was nothing of importance.

I think this afternoon I may have to choose a place (probably in the bedroom) for DSS and TGF to put the things they will be taking home (eventually … I suspect that, as DSS has always done, they see my house as their free warehouse for anything they don’t want to be bothered with finding a place for in their house, but want it kept  “for later”.  For example, I have some things TGF wants to use when she has her own classroom.  I guess I am just expected to store them for her for the summer.  I wonder what she’d do if I was forced to move?  I wouldn’t take those things – a big bookcase, a big file cabinet among others – with me!).

I think tomorrow morning I’ll see if I can arrange a pick up of some of the stuff I’ve got.  Even if I don’t get it all out at once, if I can get the big stuff out, then once school is out I can get TGF to take me to donate smaller stuff (instead of her taking it herself .. why should she always get the credit for MY donations??).

I didn’t sleep well last night.  No particular reason that I can think of.  I had odd dreams .. the kind that fragments of are still in my head but make no sense.

I wish I had the kinds of friends who would just drop by occasionally …  it’s not like for the most part I’m going anywhere.  I have enough to deal with, without being expected to invite people over and “entertain” them.  And there are very few people I can really talk to  … it seems I just don’t have very many “real” friends, and the rest are determined to tell me what to do and how to do it, etc.  I have to find my own way to go on, and I can’t live by someone else’s guidelines.  Why isn’t there anyone at all to just come visit .. in the middle of chaos if that’s where I am (and not make me feel guilty for the house not being spotless). 

I don’t know what I’m going to do today.  TGF running me into town won’t take long (and hoping she won’t mind an “extra” stop so I can pick up just a few things) …  and no idea if DSS will come work on stuff or not.  He was saying he wasn’t “into” painting type stuff.  I hope that doesn’t mean he’s decided he doesn’t want to bother with the cabinets full of various craft supplies.  I can’t seem to get him to understand that I can’t see well enough to determine what is what.  Well, if he doesn’t want to do it, I’ll either find someone else who will .. or just throw it all away.  That would be a terrible waste, but what can I do?  DH always acquired supplies for whatever projects he thought of he wanted to do .. but the vast majority of them never got used.  He just liked knowing he had them if the mood struck him to work on something.  That’s also why he kept Everything, which is becoming such a headache to sort now.  We all keep wondering “why on earth did he keep” this or that.

Odd how easy it seems to be to remember those dratted eye drops when I’ve run out of them!  Anyway, I guess I better get in the shower and find something “constructive” to do for a few hours at least.

Day 15

Day 15

Friday, April 12, 2014

This has been a long day, so full of ups and downs it makes me dizzy.  I got some things done .. just not much that is really “important”, such as cleaning.  I reorganized my candles.  I reset the dining table.  I cleaned out two storage bags, weeded out some sheets I don’t need, and packed away a few extra quilts and blankets.  I talked to my DIL, and felt good after that.  But I never heard a word from DSS or TGF, and then got weepy again.  Evening is the hardest I think .. maybe because that’s when I had things to do, and now I just don’t.

I was pretty much settled in, when the phone rang.  It was TGF’s mom (TM= the mom).  I was glad to talk to her (she’s very nice when she doesn’t go off her meds).  But, it quickly became apparent that the main focus of her call was to try to persuade me to move out where she lives.  She’s in another town .. nowhere near any of my family.  She lives in a “low income” complex – though to be fair, I have seen it, and it is a nice area.

And yet.

The more I think about it, the more I get pissed off.  I mentioned I would need to run the idea by family members .. and she quickly told me TGF was all for the idea.  Really.  They’ve already discussed what I should do before even mentioning it to me?  That would, of course, mean TGF could just keep MY car and never again be stuck taking me anywhere (since everything would be in walking distance).  I feel sure she thinks if I were out there then DSS would come with her (which he now mostly refuses to do) when she goes to see her mom.  I’m not so sure  … I think itwould mean I just wouldn’t see much of DSS, except rare visits when his boys are in town.  (that would also mean I wouldn’t get to see much of the grandsons either; but I don’t expect I will anyway). 

I’m being blythly told how “freeing” it is to just get rid of all this “extra” stuff I have.  As I said, I have seen her apartment.  One tiny front room, a decent sized kitchen (which includes laundry), one fairly decent sized bedroom, one small bedroom (and I’d have to fudge things a bit to get a 2 bedroom).  I wouldn’t merely have to “downsize”.  I’d have to get rid of probably 75% of my things. MY things.  How dare they tell me I should just get rid of everything *they* don’t consider important.  And I’m quite sure TGF is also wanting to be sure I get stuck somewhere so they never have to worry about me expecting any financial assistance from them.  I wonder if shehas already changed her mind about the promised payments on the money I’ve loaned them over the years?   It was always said that when she finishes school and gets a job, she has to start paying it back.  And she claims she has included that in her budget.  I’m skeptical.

But mostly I’m just angry.  I don’t care if it’s stupid.  I feel like they’re trying to just throw me away so  they’re off the hook  for any responsibility.   I don’t mind the idea of living near TM … although, it terrifies me to think of getting stuck in the middle of one of their family blow-ups.  They’re all crazy!!!  Yes, it would be OK to live within walking distance of so many places (groceries, WalMart, fast food, etc).  Yes it would be nice to have a friend to share cooking with sometimes.  Yes it would be nice to live in a well kept place with no yard responsibility.  And no doubt whatsoever it would ease the financial burdon of supporting myself.

And yet the idea terrifies me.

And I seriously feel like I’m being railroaded, and that pisses me off.

And I sit in the dark – because I don’t dare let the electric bill get too high – and feel angry at DH for “leaving” me.

I need to try to sleep now.   Maybe tomorrow I can think about it more clearly .. obviously I’m too angry and too tired tonight

Day 14

Day 14

Thursday, April 11, 2014

Definition of “unnecessary”:  useless; having no purpose; a waste of resources (dwelling food oxygen) that should go to people who are productive in some way.

“Just my two cents”.

By Thursday, I was sure the certificates would have come .. I was told 10 dayss to 2 weeks.  It’s been 2 weeks.  Maybe it’s only another “excuse”; but I’m finding it hard to concentrate on doing things I know I need to do when there are other things waiting that I can’t get done.   My mind seems to only work in some sort of sequence that I can’t seem to rearrange.  The paperwork needs to get done, and all of the stuff that stems from that (i.e., access bank account so I can pay rent; send it form to insurance so I can get refund; take a check to bank so I can make a payment to funeral home; and I don’t even remember if there’s something else, but my DIL has a list).

Then again, there’s all the *stuff* that needs to be removed from the house.  There’s a part of me that wonders if I’m in “too big of a hurry” to get rid of DH’s belongings.  But I’m not going to preserve everything and turn the house into a shrine!!  And I do honestly believe he’d be flattered at how many of his things people want and will treasure.I have to decided what direction my life is going (since obviously right now it’s not going anywhere at all).  I can’t do that while everything is so jumbled. 

I’ve told DSS he can take his time going through some things.  Actually, he’s done a very good job of going through a lot of areas (drawers and boxes) I didn’t expect, and I’m glad he did.  But there are still 2 large cabinets full of various craft supplies, and one that I’m pretty sure still has a lot of gun related stuff.  There’s no point in me trying to keep anything like that (though I have decided to hang onto a small easel (sp?) and some blank canvasses, so see if I’ve enough vision to play around with abstract color.  DSS has to sort the stuff into what he wants and what he thinks others (kids?) might want.  And then he has to get the cabinets, the gun cabinets, and a chest of drawers (TGF says she can always use more storage) out of the room.  There’s also one bookshelf that DH had picked out, but I have no “sentimental attachment” to .. perhaps DSS will want that since he has a lot of the gun books.  There’s another bookshelf that DH built many years ago .. I will be keeping that one, even though it’s a bit crude, narrow, and not overly sturdy.

There have been so many things given as “keepsakes” to various family members and friends … I’m having to be careful that no one takes things I want to keep for myself!

Yes, I know, I’m rambling.  I seem to do that in the morning when I’m trying to remember yesterday and untangle how I’m feeling.

I had 2 phone calls; and other than  some email, that was my only contact with other human beings.  That makes for a very lonely life .. but I’m used to it.  Funny, just being “used to it” does not make it any easier. 

My brother called, and I always appreciate talking to him.  He makes me laugh.  And he gives me good advice. 

I also got a call from the lady who runs my high school class yahoo group.  In theory she called to offer condolences and apologize for not seeing the obit (which was not in the paper for her to see anyway).  And then she went on and on about her recent trip.  Seemed like that’s really why she called.  It’s not like we’re close … I’ve talked to her maybe 3 times in the last 6 or 7 years!   We did not run in the same circles in high school.  I wasn’t in any “cliché” (sp?) at all.  I was painfully shy and only had one close GF (who died of cancer years ago).

I did manage a few things, but not the main cleaning I keep thinking I need to get done.    I’m trying to keep things reasonably neat .. for no reason since no one comes here any more (not that many ever did).  I don’t even have my table set.  I’ve just lost heart in doing things like that.  Why bother, I can barely see it and even if anyone does come here, they don’t care.  Apparently my dining table is only a place to drop off purses and books and junk.  (some kept doing that even when the table was all set and pretty).  

I ut up the “green” stuff, and got down a few Easter things.  Since I won’t actually be here, I felt no need to use all of it this year.  I took a few things to DIL, and picked out a few more to take.  Maybe today I’ll get the table pretty again.

I took down all the candles.  I want to get out all the boxes and get the colors sorted, and put out Easter/spring colored candles.  I think I keep putting that off because it’s so depressing that I’m having a hard time telling the colors apart … and there’s no one to help me. 

That’s the most frustrating thing of all.  I HAVE to be independent.  I have no choice.  Whether I live here or I’m forced to go somewhere else, I still need to be able to function by myself.  I will NOT live with DS .. they seriously do not have room; and DSS  .. NO WAY will I live in a house that not only doesn’t even have a kitchen, but only has one bathroom for the one female and 4 to (occasionally) 7 men who already live there. 

At times I resent even being in this position.  When DH got a lump sum retirement settlement, it was “HIS” money and he decided where it was spent.  There were bills I wanted him to pay … well, he would only make token payments but not pay anything off.  I’d had eye surgery, but his previous insurance had dumped him just before the scheduled surgery .. so I ended up with a $10000 out-of-pocket expense.  I made payments for years; but there came a time with yet another hospitalization, and I ended up getting behind.  He refused to pay it off, but gave me enough to catch up payments.  But he did give DSS huge chunks of money.  He was very secretive about it, but I suspect it was in the neighborhood of $10,000.  Plus he bought “the boat”.  And paid storage on it at the marina for several years. 

I don’t mean to be speaking ill of the dead.  I’m simply stating what happened.  He was secretive about his money, and in some ways a bit stingy .. except when it came to DSS.

When I got an inheritance (and later some retirement money, which turned out not to be nearly as much as I had been told) .. I paid off bills.  Between my eye surgery and Duke, over approximately a 3 year period I’ve paid more than $50,000.  But it’s PAID.  I do not owe Duke anything.

I won’t even admit how much I’ve given DSS and TGF.  “Given” is not the correct word since in theory they’re going to pay me back in payments as soon as TGF starts working next fall.  In actual fact, I’ll be surprised if she does, because every little thing that comes up that she didn’t budget for will take precedence over my needs. 

Some money was actually given … because on a few times I just gave DS & family an equal amount so I didn’t feel like they were getting cheated.  I absolutely HATE that I don’t have more to give them with DIL unable to work for so long, plus as much help as she’s been to me.

Yes, I did spend some just enjoying it.  I don’t regret a bit of it … I knew it wasn’t going to last forever.  But I did allow myself to have some fun while I could.  Since I didn’t know my vision would go so fast, I’m glad I had fun when I could. 

And I have a lot of “tangable” things as well.  I bought a washer and dryer, a freezer; and some pieces of furniture.  And yes, all the TVs in the house are flat screens.  (which I will probably give at least one to DGD .. she has one that doesn’t work well; the other all have their own; and I don’t need 4!!). 

I must have done something else yesterday.  Well, I did wash, dry, mostly put up a load of laundry.  I can’t stand laundry piling up (goes back to when I had to walk about 8 or so blocks to a Laundromat with my little 2 wheeled basket and a toddler in tow).  I walked out to the mailbox … VERY nice card but still no certificates.

I got email from TGF .. because she always responds when I offer her something (a chest of drawers I have no use for).  It never ever occurs to her to call or stop by the house, .. and she picks her boys up from school about 3 miles from here.  It sincerely never crosses her mind I might be lonely.  And that I can’t do anything about it way out here.

I have this re-occuring nightmare that the Mexicans next door will try to convince my landlord to make me swap houses with them. There’s one of me, five (or more) of them.  If they tried to force me out of this house I most certainly would not move into that little one … if I had to move at all it would be closer to civilization!   I wonder if they know that I had the porch built . and technically, it is NOT attached to the house!   I could have it partly disassembled and moved; and I would, too.

I need to quit just sitting here whining and get this day going.  Hopefully I can find something productive to do. Or at least get a shower and put on clean clothes .. you know … incase I’m in an accident! J