Day 257

Day 257

Tuesday February 4 2014

Physical:

DH ended up staying in bed all day.  It wasn’t really because he wanted to; but at least he didn’t get angry or insistant about getting up.  It started out because I thought the CAN was coming early.  She ended up later than expected, and between us we convinced him to just stay put.  He did have very nearly the warmest place in the house!  I turned on his TV, and he alternated watching it and napping the rest of the afternoon.  He still didn’t have any trouble getting to sleep; and slept pretty well  for most of the night.  In the early morning he started having a bit of off and on coughing.  When I checked on him around 7:00 this morning (Wednesday), I had to clean him a bit and change him.  He was complaining about his stomach hurting (other than the hernia that hurts when he coughs).  I wonder if he might be a little constipated (at times he’s having a hard time accepting not being able to sit on the commode; at other times he doesn’t seem to know the difference).  The trouble is, he has “gone” a little; and he eats so little any more .. so hard to tell what his body actually needs.  Hopefully this is a nurse day and I can ask her.

He did eat part of a sandwich; and turned down Cheetoes, which are usually his favorite snack.  He did eat a bowl of chili.

People:

As I said the CAN came much later than expected.   My SIL called (been wondering why I hadn’t heard from her).  She spent a week with her daughter, and has been sick.  So, she won’t be coming around until she’s completely sure she isn’t contagious.  She did agree that as soon as she’s better, hopefully by next week, she will contact the dialysis nurse about training on the dialysis set up.

Emotions:

We’re in a spell of gray and chilly days, and that gives me a very hard time.  Today (Wednesday) is *supposed* to be better by the afternoon.  But it’s hard for me to cope when the house is dark.  Plus, there’s a dead mouse somewhere in the den.  I can hardly bear to be in there, and I have no way of detecting exactly where it is.  Last night I slept most of the night in a recliner in the living room … not quite as comfy as *my* chair, but I slept.  But then I woke up around 3:00 AM.  I changed places 3 times trying to find a place to be comfortable.  I managed  about 2 more hours of sleep, but it was broken .. so I feel a bit groggy now.  I find silly little things can upset me; but in general I’m holding up OK.  What I am though is tired of people telling me how “wonderful” I am for all I do for DH.  No, I am NOT “wonderful”.  I’m playing the hand I was dealt.  I didn’t ask for this – but neither did he.  I’m not cheerful or optimistic most of the time.   When people ask how I’m doing, I say “fine” (usually) because that’s what they really want to hear.  That way I don’t make them feel guilty either for not doing something to “help” (not that there’s really much most of them cold do); or because their life is so much better.

It’s 9 days now to my break.  All of next week I will be busy, making sure the house is clean and things are as organized as I can manage before just leaving someone else to deal with everything.  But this week, other than just routine cleaning, I have very little planned.  I have a few small projects .. that I’m having a hard time ushing myself to do.  Some days it feels like I stay busy all day, and yet at the end of the day have almost nothing to show for it. 

The weather is making me nervous too.  I know, there’s nothing that can be done about it of course.  But it’s been a horrible winter so far.  Most of it has not in NC; but awfully close.  And it just doesn’t end – they’re calling for wave after wave of “systems”.

I got up very early since I never know when the nurse will show up  Naturally, if I’m “ready”, she doesn’t get here early.  I know I’m not doing anything now; and it’s not like I’m going anywhere today.  But it’s still annoying and frustrating to not have any idea at all when someone is going to show up.  I really need to push myself to just pretend no one is coming and do whatever I need to do.  Perhaps it’s time to clean another closet.