Day 143

(Saturday, Sunday and)Monday October 14, 2013
(Note: I think I might have accidently deleted a post, but can't be sure.  I didn't think it had been 3 days since I wrote - but I could be wrong!)
Physical:
The last few days DH has been complaining about having a cold. His mind has been "wandering" a bit more.  A few times when trying to get him up or down, he seems to just go limp.  I tell him to straighten his knees, and he says he's trying to.  It's getting harder to lift him.  Every now and then he gets a stubborn streak.  That scares me, because he just can't be convinced of what he can't physically do.
His eating is sporatic - some days good, some days not so much.
Last night (it's now early Tuesday morning) he slept about the best yet.  He only woke up once, around 2:30, and went right back to sleep.  (I was up by 5:00, but that's better than 4:00 and I did get at least 6 hours of sleep).
(Side note: I got some of the Fabreeze slumber spray, the honey-vanilla scent.  DH does not know I used it.  I believe it's helped him some; and I know it helped me!  I slept peacefully, without feeling itchy all night, even with a flea-bag cat in my lap).
People:
Friday: CNA came, ; a friend's husband came and fixed back door lock; DSS stopped by.  
Saturday, no contacct with anyone.
Sunday: the usual melee of too much going on.  I think those kids get on his nerves some; but they mostly played outside, and DSS was in the living room with him.  TGF took me to grocery store, then she cooked.  She's a decent cook (though not as good as she thinks she is), but oh so messy!
Emotions:
I have too many "melt-downs".  I have people telling me that I need help ... why are they saying that if they're not offering?  And I don't want someone coming in to clean my house (exception: I'm willing to pay the lady that cleaned once a month for me last year, when I could afford her - that's not the same thing.  When people insist on "helping", then I'm being selfish and ungrateful if I don't just fall on my knees in gratitude with no regard to whether they do things the way I want them done, or put my things where I can't find them.
Breathe.
What I need help with is someone to at least occasionally get DH up and down, set up dialysis, things like that.  My back, hips, and knees ache nearly all the time.    And I need help with reading stuff.  I have a box full of mail, and a folder full of email ... but TGF hasn't had time to bother with that for 2 weeks now.
Oh yeah, this is about "emotions", not griping.  I still feel sad a lot - get crying jags.  But a lot of the time I'm too tired even for that.  I keep going for the very simple reason that I have no choice.
I guess tecnically I have "choices".  I can just not do some of what I do ... leave him in bed all day for example.  But that would be cruel and I just can't do that.  Or I could let him go to the hospice facility.  That would be even worse.  He's already confused and disoriented about whwere he is.  And I wouldn't be able to be there much.  And the only way they'd continue his dialysis is with hemo .. they might as well just sign his death certificate.  I can't even be sure he wouldn't completely refuse dialysis at that point. And the difference b etween a doctor's office (or hospital) and hospice, they won't force him.  They would legally have to make DSS and I make the decision whether to force him.  This is all too confusing.  He just needs to be at home, and I just have to do the best I can.