Day 140

(Thursday and)Friday October 11 2013
Physical:
It seems to me he's coughing a lot more, and wheezing more.  But the nurse said that wasn't in his chest, so I guess he has a bit of a cold.    If she didn't think it is serious enough to be concerned, then I will try not to worry.  Because he's so weak; or at least his legs are, it's hard to tell any change.  His wake'sleep patterns have been off - but is that due to change in weaather?  Lack of sleeping pills?  I just don't know.  

Friday morning his mental status was way off , but he got past it.    Also on Friday he had another weepy spell.  It's scary that this is starting to happen more frequently.  The CNA said it was because I had been upset.  Two hours earlier?   Anyway it's happening around the same time of day.  I told them both that "The Price Is Right" seems to set him off (and they both thought that was funny enough to get him past it).
Even with sleeping pills, he's not sleeping well; but he's not waking up in the middle of the night thinking he's in odd places.  So he's staying more tired.
People:
Thursday was quiet. The CNA came, and DSS came late in the afternoon for a quick visit and to do the heparin.  
Friday was much busier.  The CMA came earlier than usual.  That certainly worked in my favor, as she got stuck with more clean up that I usually get to do.  In the afternoon the husband and stepson of a former co-worker came by and (finally) fixed my back door.  I can now lock the back door!  Then DSS and TGF came by.  They needed to take more pictures of a car in the yard (I think - hope! - he has a buyer), but he also needed to vent.  He is absolutely furious about a newspaper article.  I don't blame him, and it's infuriating to feel so helpless against TPTB.
Emotions:
Friday morning I had a complete melt-down.  I was trying to get the dialysis trash bagged up, and the tubing kept gteting entwined with his oxygen tubing.  I don't know how or why; but since I can't really *see* either (clear!), it just completely defeated me.  And, I couldn't get trash to get in the bag and stay there.  I know that sounds stupid; butt really, it just kept spilling out.  And I just completely lost it for awhile.  The CNA said that's what had Jimmy upset; but there's too much of a time gap for me to believe that.
I find myself starting to resent him wanting to get up and down so much.  I know that's Absolutely unfair, and it's just me being so tired.  My feet, knees, back and hands ache all the time. (I take 2 Aleve every morning, and don't know that I can safely do more than that).   I do understand that some of what's going on is his trying to rebell against his body shutting down o him.  He's exercising what little control he has by controlling me.  But understanding doesn't make it any easier physically!  It also continues to freak me out that his mind refuses to accept his limitations.  Even when I'm holding him up, supporting his weight, he still thinks I can let go and he can stand alone and walk  across the room or something.  I don't dare leave him alone any length of time ... I'm almost afraid to even walk out to the mailbox, because he can change from docile to agitated so fast.  Part of why I don't sleep well is hering him cough and wheeze all night, and trying to decide if he's awake and  trying to get up or just restless.  
Now, of course, in the early morning hours - not even daylight yet - I'm up and awake for over an hour.  He's sleeping peacefully.