Day 70

Day 70

Friday, June 6, 2014

This was a much calmer day, mostly.  I can’t think of any particular reason other than maybe I got a build up of emotion out of my system.  I am trying to not be whiny and needy.  But I also can’t expect anyone to be able to read my mind and know when I actually do need something.  I think this might be part of the reason the concept of moving is so appealing …if I’m in a position to do a lot more for myself, then maybe I won’t mind so much asking for help for things I still can’t do on my own.

But right now, I have no clue what will happen, and it’s driving me crazy.  I kow the places I like best would take too much of my income.  I WILL NOT  settle for a crumby apartment in a bad area where I still can’t even walk (or not safely) where I need to go just because it’s “cheap”.  And I WILL NOT be forced into moving to some place that *someone else* (anyone else) has decided is “appropriate” without any regard as to how I feel about it.  It’s just that I’m not going to be pushed around.  I’m already not very hapy at knowing I can’t afford anything but a fairly small place … and will be moving from a very BIG place.  I have to give up a lot of the things that are important to me (and *helpful* people who keep saying “it’s only things” or I “don’t need” this or that are NOT helping).  I dread the concept of giving up a lot of the things I love in order to move into a decent place to live  and then my budget being so tight that I can never again in my life buy a new pair of shoes or new underwear or get my nails done or buy Christmas presents for my grandchildren.    And I know there are also those who consider getting my nails done or giving Christmas gifts as frivolous wastes of money.  But am I seriously expected to have the shoes and underwear I now own last another 20 to 30 years???

Anyway, for now it’s hard to know what to do  There’s still a lot to be purged; but I’m having trouble finding things I don’t need help with.  It is more frustrating than I can even begin to say to not be able to see clearly.  Reading almost anything is out of the question (even as I type this .. I’m using a very large font which will have to be shrunk down for posting, but still have to use a magnifying glass if I need to double check something I’ve written …. And if sometimes something doesn’t make sense, it’s because I don’t realize I either typed the wrong word, misspelled a word, or even got my hands on the wrong keys.  If I don’t realize it, I don’t get the mag to chec!).  So, a lot of stuff yet to be sorted that I just can’t do.

Yesterday I finished dumping all home-taped VHS tapes into trash bags.  I also found about a bag and a half of purchased tapes (don’t know what they are, but can tell the difference because the covers usually have some sort of picture).  I have 2 “machines” … at least one of them is a VCR, maybe both … but at least I have someone who wants that (and has agreed to take the movies too). 

And while checking the shelves … I discovered there’s a big pile of what I think are CDs … need help with …. And apparently 2 shelves crammed full of more VHS tapes!!!  That is SO frustrating, I thought I had them all done.  WHY are there so many???  The home-taped ones were NEVER watched.

One bonus to moving to a small apartment … my son and DIL (and probably adult grands) will never get stuck with quite so much stuff to sort!

Yesterday my SIL was going to take me to her house for lunch, but they changed their plans.  Her house guest decided to take them out to Western Sizzler (sure does sound like she’ll do anything to avoid eating that spaghetti again! LOL) .. so they came by to see if I would like to go too.  So, I was treated to a very nice supper.  In the last 11 days, I’ve baked chicken pieces once … and other wise either been taken out, been at someone’s house, or been gifted left overs.  I still have left over chicken … but eventually I’ll have to get back to cooking … or at least what passes for it for me.

I think school is out now.  That means it will now be a major inconvenience for TGF to come all the way out here (she told me a year ago “we can’t be running out here all the time”).  I think she’s going to be able to “claim” her classroom soon, which means she will come get the things I’ve told her she can have for it (an old file cabinet, a bookshelf, and a small rolling table .. and a lot of books that will be good “reference” books and some classics for a middle school classroom).  Other than that, it may be a guessing game when anything will get done … trash removed, grass cut (DSS doesn’t seem inclined to replace the blade he broke).  I can ask my SIL to take me to the grocery store; but she did make a point the other day of telling me she can’t make any kind of “commitment” to come help me with anything on a regular basis.  She is much too busy, has too many responsibilities.  She claims she comes over when she can.  So, I’m very hesitant to ask her … and clearly couldn’t ask her to take care of the cts if I wanted to go anywhere again.  So … basically, I don’t have anyone to take care of them, and I will NOT be doing any more travelling longer than the time I could leave the cats (2 to 3 days at the absolute most, but mostly only day trips).

That’s yet one more thing in favor of moving, but only if I can get the specific area I want.  As long as plans didn’t overlap, I have no doubt my niece is completely trustworthy and could help me … and would love my kittie too.

I know, as I do a lot of mornings, I just sit here and “babble”.  Sometimes I don’t even kow what I’m going to say until I start writing.  And a lot of mornings I don’t seem to have much motivation to go get my day started; so I sit here with my coffee and just ramble.  Occasionally I have something I want to try to say … but I can’t find the right words.  If I use the wrong words or expressions, someone gets offended.  That is very frustrating …. I don’t like feeling like I can’t be free to try to express myself.  But I don’t want to offend anyone.  And, I do make an effort to a degree to stay “neutral”.  Sometimes that just isn’t possible … but ther are times when I talk about something that upsets me in generalities (NO “name calling” or referring to anyone specific) but people get upset anyway.  Guilty conscience???  It is MY blog after all.  I should be able to just say what I’m thinking without anyone assuming I’m criticizing them personally (which the only person I usually am doesn’t even read it!).

I don’t know what I’m going to do today, but I guess I better get the day started and see what happens.