Day 69
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Yesterday was an odd mixture of a day. There were some good parts … my SIL took me
to town to go to the bank, go by the funeral home, and get groceries; and later
she picked me up to go to her house for supper, and I ended up spending the
evening.
In between those, however, parts of my day weren’t so
great. I think a lot of things just
built up and caught me off guard. Lately
I’ve been doing pretty good .. I find I easily get “choked up” and weepy at
unexpected times, but otherwise I’m pretty well “together”. But yesterday I just had an all out crying
jag. My SIL’s car has no a/c, and she
smokes .. so I got home wilted, hungry, and headachy. So with a weakened state of mind, I guess
the crying spell was just over due.
I had spent a few hours in the morning clearing old VHS
tapes off shelves. That was sad only in
that at some point someone thought a program was interesting enough to tape ..
but none of them were ever watched, and now no one wants them. There’s still so much stuff to be sorted; and
I can’t just dump all of it in the trash.
My DIL is trying very hard to “make it right”. She took it upon herself to try to coordinate
with others to have someone come be with me (I’m not clear on the timing ..
daily or weekly … but maybe only through the summer anyway) and help with all
this frustrating sorting. I’ve been
saying all along that everyone either lives too far away and/or is too
busy. DIL asked me to let SIL know she’d
be calling; and SIL immediately went into a spiel abut how people can’t just
reorganize their lives. She’s the one
who lives only 3 miles down the road, and she says she comes over every chance
she gets. That’s an exaggeration; but
she is very busy, very *involved* in her church group and some other
activities. I told her not to worry
about it, no one is forcing her to do anything.
But it just gets clearer and clearer that I’d be better off
in an apartment in town. But then, my mind keeps going round and round. Is it worthwhile to move to a place I can
barely afford that is so small I’d have to get rid of nearly every piece of
furniture that means anything, and still could never even have my grandchildren
visit because there’d be no place for them.
I’ll never ever be able to buy a pair of shoes or new underwear, or get
my hair or nails done, or buy a new audio book or go to a movie or go to
McD. Is it really worth it? But I’m in the same condition here other than
room, but the house is showing it’s age and I have no way of taking care of the
huge yard here. (DSS broke the blade on
my lawnmower, but so far hasn’t been able to afford to replace it. I think they’re assuming if they wait long
enough I’ll do it … with no regard as to whether or not I can afford it. After all, since TGF knows I have insurance
money, she is completely fine with me paying for ALL the gas to go to the OBx
and back … DSS would have found the $$ to go get his younger son if he’d had
to, but he doesn’t have to. But still
can’t afford to contribute to his own father’s final wishes?). Yes, I get side tracked.
My DIL is going to
try to find more information; and I’m hoping it will work out for my DSis to
take me next week to see her daughter’s apartment. In the meantime, I need to just keep pushing
myself to purge where I can, and find a place to consolidate things I need help
with.
It may be stormy today, but I’m not sure. It sounds like it won’t be as hot as
yesterday, but very humid and cloudy .. that’s certainly how it’s starting
out. That does not bode well for me
getting stuff done. *F … and I know
right now it’s a big *if* … I do get an apartment, I wonder if I can get it
painted light bright colors? Like
yellow, moss green, soft pink …. I really would love to have color in my life; and I’ve hated all the dark
paneling in this house for 13 years!!!
(and the few walls that aren’t paneled are white, except 2 bedrooms ..
each has paneled wainscoting under the white walls, one in Williamsburg pink
and one in Williamsburg blue. Yuck. I want happy walls! I want a beautiful background for all the
many pictures I have.
Despite the weather, I am going to try very hard for this to
be a better day. My SIL said she would
come get me and take me to her house for lunch (she has left over spaghetti ..
but she has a house guest and could not serve it for supper last night). I don’t know what I will wor on, but I will
find something that I can manage on my own
And I think I will set the table again.
I’m not going anywhere any time soon other than day trips, and I miss
having it look pretty.
I’m in the process (some done, some soaking) of cleaning the
glass candle holders from the mantle.
Maybe I’ll go on and put out my summer candles, and find the summery
pillow covers. That’s probably a waste
of time as everyone throws the pillows on the floor (is that why they’re called
“throw” pillows???), but I still like the summery look.
Perhaps if I concentrate on those silly little things I can
do I can not be as stressed about so many things I can’t do. For now, I guess I’ll go get in the shower,
and actually get the day started.
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