Day 69

Day 69

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Yesterday was an odd mixture of a day.   There were some good parts … my SIL took me to town to go to the bank, go by the funeral home, and get groceries; and later she picked me up to go to her house for supper, and I ended up spending the evening.

In between those, however, parts of my day weren’t so great.  I think a lot of things just built up and caught me off guard.  Lately I’ve been doing pretty good .. I find I easily get “choked up” and weepy at unexpected times, but otherwise I’m pretty well “together”.  But yesterday I just had an all out crying jag.  My SIL’s car has no a/c, and she smokes .. so I got home wilted, hungry, and headachy.   So with a weakened state of mind, I guess the crying spell was just over due.

I had spent a few hours in the morning clearing old VHS tapes off shelves.  That was sad only in that at some point someone thought a program was interesting enough to tape .. but none of them were ever watched, and now no one wants them.  There’s still so much stuff to be sorted; and I can’t just dump all of it in the trash.

My DIL is trying very hard to “make it right”.  She took it upon herself to try to coordinate with others to have someone come be with me (I’m not clear on the timing .. daily or weekly … but maybe only through the summer anyway) and help with all this frustrating sorting.  I’ve been saying all along that everyone either lives too far away and/or is too busy.  DIL asked me to let SIL know she’d be calling; and SIL immediately went into a spiel abut how people can’t just reorganize their lives.  She’s the one who lives only 3 miles down the road, and she says she comes over every chance she gets.  That’s an exaggeration; but she is very busy, very *involved* in her church group and some other activities.  I told her not to worry about it, no one is forcing her to do anything.

But it just gets clearer and clearer that I’d be better off in an apartment in town. But then, my mind keeps going round and round.  Is it worthwhile to move to a place I can barely afford that is so small I’d have to get rid of nearly every piece of furniture that means anything, and still could never even have my grandchildren visit because there’d be no place for them.  I’ll never ever be able to buy a pair of shoes or new underwear, or get my hair or nails done, or buy a new audio book or go to a movie or go to McD.  Is it really worth it?  But I’m in the same condition here other than room, but the house is showing it’s age and I have no way of taking care of the huge yard here.  (DSS broke the blade on my lawnmower, but so far hasn’t been able to afford to replace it.  I think they’re assuming if they wait long enough I’ll do it … with no regard as to whether or not I can afford it.  After all, since TGF knows I have insurance money, she is completely fine with me paying for ALL the gas to go to the OBx and back … DSS would have found the $$ to go get his younger son if he’d had to, but he doesn’t have to.  But still can’t afford to contribute to his own father’s final wishes?).  Yes, I get side tracked.

My DIL  is going to try to find more information; and I’m hoping it will work out for my DSis to take me next week to see her daughter’s apartment.  In the meantime, I need to just keep pushing myself to purge where I can, and find a place to consolidate things I need help with.

It may be stormy today, but I’m not sure.  It sounds like it won’t be as hot as yesterday, but very humid and cloudy .. that’s certainly how it’s starting out.  That does not bode well for me getting stuff done.  *F … and I know right now it’s a big *if* … I do get an apartment, I wonder if I can get it painted light bright colors?  Like yellow, moss green, soft pink …. I really would love to have  color in my life; and I’ve hated all the dark paneling in this house for 13 years!!!  (and the few walls that aren’t paneled are white, except 2 bedrooms .. each has paneled wainscoting under the white walls, one in Williamsburg pink and one in Williamsburg blue.  Yuck.  I want happy walls!  I want a beautiful background for all the many pictures I have.

Despite the weather, I am going to try very hard for this to be a better day.  My SIL said she would come get me and take me to her house for lunch (she has left over spaghetti .. but she has a house guest and could not serve it for supper last night).  I don’t know what I will wor on, but I will find something that I can manage on my own  And I think I will set the table again.  I’m not going anywhere any time soon other than day trips, and I miss having it look pretty. 

I’m in the process (some done, some soaking) of cleaning the glass candle holders from the mantle.  Maybe I’ll go on and put out my summer candles, and find the summery pillow covers.  That’s probably a waste of time as everyone throws the pillows on the floor (is that why they’re called “throw” pillows???), but I still like the summery look.

Perhaps if I concentrate on those silly little things I can do I can not be as stressed about so many things I can’t do.  For now, I guess I’ll go get in the shower, and actually get the day started.