Day 215

Day 215

(Wednesday and) Thursday December 26, 2013

Physical:

I have a hard time pinpointing any change or lack of change.  He seems to change daily, but it goes back and forth.  Christmas morning he slept in .. roused barely enough to take pills, went back to sleep.  I even got to sleep until 8:00!  He didn’t really wake up until into the afternoon (although I did get him up .. he took his pills, then went back to sleep in his chair). 

He’s gotten to a point mentally where I can’t really tell if there’s change or not.  Some days he seems more agitated than others; but the things he believes to be “real” don’t really change.  On Thursday he was going back and forth between thinking he’d shot a deer and that someone else had given him one.  He woke up about 2 hours after going to bed, and was telling me there was a dead goat in the hall because it had been hit by a car.

His appetite is still a bit “on the edge”.  Some days he’ll eat well, others not so much – even when it’s something he does like.  There are several different snacks on the table by his chair, but he mostly ignores those too.

People:

On Christmas Day we didn’t see anyone at all.  Since he slept a large part of the day it’s just as well.  It did feel a bit lonely, but it really was best.  I did talk to my brother, to my son (rare!), and (very briefly) to my oldest grandson.

On Thursday it was late afternoon before anyone got here.  It’s hard not to feel a bit cheated out of time with the GA grandsons; but they are here to see their dad, not us.  Oddly, the CAN got here about the same time they crowd did.  She got him cleaned up and back … and maybe half an hour after she left, I had to take him back again to use the commode.  Grrrrrr.  I had trouble getting his pajama pants u (elastic waist, and sometimes they slip down to his feet when he stands up.  DSS knocked on the door and asked if I needed help.  He did help hold DH up so I could deal with the pants .. then he left.  He (DSS) has NO CLUE how hard this is on a daily basis, and gets annoyed with me when I get upset.

DSS and crew brought BoJangles, which was nice.  Before they left, DGS14 (and the younger boys) helped get trash gathered, and took as much as would fit in the trunk of the car.  DGS14 even changed out the litter boxes for me! 

Emotions:

It’s hard to separate holiday blues from day=to-day sad.  It’s not even remotely logical to want company “all the time”.  And sometimes when someone is here late,  it’s hard to have to “switch gears” .. because there’s always stuff I have to do before I can *stop* for the day.  And even then I don’t really get to stop.  Lately DH has been waking back up an hour or two after getting to bed.  I think the coughing is waking him up .. seems to me it’s getting worse, but the nurse doesn’t seem to be concerned (then again, she doesn’t actually see/hear it).  Anyway, I have to get him settled again; and then I have a hard time getting to sleep because I keep listening to be sure he’s sleeping.  And more often than not I have to get up at least once during the night to get him settled.  At least for the last week or so he hasn’t been so wired about car keys and stuff so that he wouldn’t go back to sleep.  I’ve not needed to try using the gel for a week.

The point of all my rambling is that I’m tired and that affects (effects?? I’m never sure which word is correct) my attitude.  I want company, and at the same time I just want time to rest without having to keep getting up.

I have had some “time off”.  But even then, I’ve had to make sure to deal with dialysis and pills before I can go off.  In just under 10 months now, I’ve had: one evening at a play (TGF took me and her mom for Mother’s Day); 2 half days and 1 full day with DS/DIL; one evening (less than 2 hours) to go see Lights.  As I said, each time I had to make sure dialysis was dealt with, and ills were at least set upp and clearly marked when they were due.  And none of the times has anyone ever had to deal with getting DH on and off commode (although that’s partly his fault – refuses to tell anyone he needs it but will just wait for me). 

The nurse hinted at finding a resite care facility that can handle dialysis – but she said the social worker would let me know; and I’ve not heard from her in over a month now (every 2 to 3 weeks????).

So complain, complain.  How do I feel?  Tired and frustrated.  And very sad that the holidays will soon be over, and we will go back to not seeing or hearing from family much.

I have an eye appointment .. but will have to (again) postpone it.  There is NO ONE who can take a day off work to just sit here with DH.  DSS can drive me .. but with the construction going on, the drive will be much longer than usual, so a long day for someone to be here.  I may even have to postpone my appointment until April, so someone on spring break can come here.

DH is sleeping in again today, so I better go take advantage of this time while I can.