Day 210

Day 210
Saturday December 21, 2013

I hate weekends.  Especially Saturdays.  There's not even hospice people coming and going.  
DH got up at 7:00 AM, but was ready to go back for a nap at 11:00.  He got up again about 4:30, and by 8:00 was more than ready to go back to bed.  He woke up briefly around 11:00.

It is now 6:30 Sunday morning.  I've been up for 2 hours.  He woke up around 4:30, and was absolutely convinced he was in a car.  He was gripping the bed rail trying to "open the car door" .. his hands are still strong, I'm afraid one of these days he's going to actually break the bed rail.  Around 5:00 I tried using the gel .. he did clam down a bit, but remained convinced he was in the car.  I think he finally fell asleep from pure exhaustion .. but I, of course, am totally awake.  A load of laundry is washed and in the dryer.  I'm on my 2nd cup of coffee.  Because it's Sunday, there will be no chance for a nap later.

His insistence on "going home" is so stressful.  It doesn't matter if I tell him he's home (which he doesn't believe anyway), or just go along and tell him "we'll go soon" .. or even if I try to find out where he wants to go.  He stays agitated and frustrated about not being where ever it is he thinks he's supposed to be.  
I keep thinking "I can't do this" but I don't have any choice.   There's no where else for us to be, and no one else that is willing or able to help any more than they already do (which doesn't actually amount to much "help").  I wish sometimes someone else would deal with his illusions in the middle of the night  ... no one has any idea how hard it is.

I think I'm just too tired and sad to be writing right now.  I won't delete, because the whole point is an outlet for my feelings.  
Unless they (DSS & TGF - no kids today) are late, as they usually are, the "plan" is to go to pick up med refills, then go to a shopping center much farther away.  Target is offering customers a 10% discount (and I was not at all effected by their computer issues) .. I can get what I need as well there as Wal-Mart, so might as well get a discount.   I desperately hope I can at least get enough of what I need to get me through Christmas.  I am hoping that if I have gifts, and on Monday can make a few goodies, I'll feel more ... something.