Day 125

Thursday September 26, 2013
P\Physical:
As always, I see no noticeable physical change.  He seemed to be more sleepy - but there are many days like that. Because of the dialysis issue, he stayed in bed until after 3:00.  Part of the time he sat up and watched TV, but then napped more.  He also sat up for visiting.  He *almost* seemed "normal", thinking wise.  And then out of the blue said something that didn't make sense.   In the evening he got so sleepy again I could barely wake him up to eat (and that was in his recliner, not in bed).  But, he actually slept through the night.  I know better than to hope we've hit on a good system; but we're closer anyway.
People: 
The chaplain came by.  He's an awfully nice young man.  He's clearly very good at what he does - he listens.  And unlike the nurses (whether they mean to or not), he never makes us feel like he's got to hurry off to another patient.
DSS came by in the late afternoon to do the heparin; also to park a car (with Mule Days in town, it wouldn't be safe!)
Emotions:
Even with less sleep than I would have liked, I was better until late afternoon.  Then I completely ran out of steam, and had a really hard time pushing myself to cook some supper and get the night's dialysis set up.  I had really wanted to watch Elementary - but not only never saw the end of it, I woke up briefly much later to find only the "Dish" symble (meaning it had been on a really long time and Dish seems to think we have no right to just put it on one channel and leave it, so they decide we're not watching any more).  
When the chaplain was here, I gave him 2 devotion books I had.  I'd enjoyed them, but can no longer read them and thought he might be able to share (he likes to read passages).  He opened one and picked something completely at random - and it was so perfect it tok my breath away.  It was about "I want to be 5 again, just for an hour".  The gist of it was wanting to be held and taken care of.  I don't want to be 5 (at that time I had a younger brother and infant sister, and was expected to be a "big girl" already). But nobody takes care of the caretaker. I'm here alone with DH the vast majority of the time.  People are in and out, whenever it suits their schedules.  My DIL was very thoughtful about letting me get a "day off" last spring.  And they did find days to come visit during the summer.  Now that school has started, they're too busy to even pick up the phone or send an email.  TGF has a job, classes, 3 boys, plus DSS, their home, his business.  She has NO time for anything else (except when it's to her benefit of course).  Really, everyone has their own life.  I don't blame them for that.  I certainly don't expect anyone to put their life on hold just because I'm whining.  But it does hurt that the ones who *should* care don't seem to.
And hugs.  Oh God how I miss hugs.  There is no physical contact in my world.  Well, except hefting DH up and down.  Somehow that's just not quite the same!  I married into a family of mostly touch-me-nots.  I have a brother, a brother-in-law, and a grandson who are really good huggers; and they're the ones I see the least.
I know I need to just get over myself.  It is what it is, and complaining about it is not going to change anything. If I can just get to the point of not being so tired, I'll be OK.  Last night (it's now Friday morning) was better.  Even though I woke up shortly after 4:00, I still got  over 5 hours sleep; and I think I dozed maybe an hour or so more after that.  I've learned to just give in and allow myself to rest/doze in the afternoon.  And I know I am less depressed when I feel like I've accomplished things during the day. - which of course I can't do if I'm so tired I don't care!
So, today will be better.