Day 120

Saturday Septembeer 21, 2013
Physical: 
I still don't see many changes.  He's not any weaker that I can tell.  He breathing seems to be the same, as long as he keeps the oxygen on.  Mentally, it's a slow decline; but that I see at least.  He almost never knows where he is any more.  
He refuses to be put on a schedule any more than he can help (I do my best to keep the pills on schedule; but that's about all I can control).  
Saturday night just as I was hooking up the dialysis he wanted me to do something or other.  I don't remember now, but he distracted me - and I never completed turning on the machine.  That just scares me.  It's the 2nd time it's happened.  Last time I didn't catch it until too late; at least this time I did.  I turned it on, and he'll stay hooked up until mid day today (Sunday).  It'll only be half a session, but better than none; and staying in bed  til noon or 1:00 won't be that unusual for him anyway.
People:
No one came today.  DSS called in the late afternoon.
Emotions:
I'm scared.  Last night I got distracted just as I was getting him settled - and didn't ever turn on the dialysis machine.  That's the 2nd time that's happened, although this time I "caught" it.  It'll only run half the usual time, but that's better than nothing.  That is, as long as the cycler doesn't mess up ... since there's an extra 11 hours on "dwell" fluid, the machine may try to drain more than there is; but it may not, I just don't know.  Wait and see game.  
I don't like that I get distracted so easily and forget what I'm doing.  Am I showing signs of dementia or alzheimers too?In addition to going blind?  I don't know what's going to happen to me.  I'm not sure the boys really grasp what's going on with DH to start with; and they're completely ignoring any issues I have.   I'm terrified someone in "authority" will come along and decide (without caring what the situation is) that I can't take care of DH adequately alone.  With no other options, they'll forcefully put him in some sort of facility.  If he's confused now, how much worse would he be there?  And I would have no way of even going to visit, much less be with him.  And me?  I guess the boys would come take everything away, including my beloved kitties, and park me in some crappy crackerbox government apartment - and then continue to ignore me, figuring I can cope on my own that way.
I know, I'm "borrowing" trouble that doesn't exist.  But I'm scared.