Day 119

(Thursday and) Friday September 20, 2013
Note: I'm really not sure how long I'll be able to keep doing this blog.  Visability is getting to be a major problem.  I can make the font even larger; but there are so many other things that I can't see.  I'll do the best I can.
The last few days have not been great.Some of it is me - my eyes ache, and cause headaches.  Plus, it's really hard to have the motivation to do anything when I live in a permanent blurry fog.  We had a lot of bad to non sleep nights (not all because of DH), and the last 2 days I've barely managed to get the basics done.  I've spent the last 2 days just sitting and sleeping whenever I could, like I just couldn't get enough sleep.  I know I could completely "burn out" at this rate - and yet - what choice do I have?    The hospice nurse has asked me several times if I've given any thought as to what I'm going to do (presumably when I can no longer keep this up).  The better question would be, what are the boys going to do?  

DH seems to stay almost permanently in a state of mild confusion.  He doesn't know where he is; but (so far) he knows who people are.  He went through that spell of thinking I was his mother, but that hasn't happened for a long time now.  His days and nights have been mixed up as far as sleeping; but by yesterday he couldn't seem to get any sleep at all, or not more than an hour or so at a time.  
Yesterday I received a FedEx package - the hospice provided a generic Dulcolax AND the sleeping pills the nephro had prescribed.  And last night he really did have a better night.  He slept most of it; and when he wasn't sleeping, he wasn't thrashing around.  I had a better night too, once I got the mouse to go away (MUST get traps!!!).
DH is becoming more and more incontinent.  He does not seem to be able to tell if he needs "relief" or not; and more and more often that's leading to me cleaning up a mess.  Thank goodness for washable protective bed covers.
The aide came Friday to get him cleaned up.  This was her last time, as the regular lady is due back by Monday.  She got him shaved really well, which was nice   She got here around 12:30 or so, earlier than I expected.  DH was awake, but I let him just stay in bed anyway - seemed less stress on him to just wait for her and then get up. But, he didn't want me to put him into his chair.  He *said* that he'd sit in the wheelchair awhile, then the other - on the premise that he could stay sitting up longer.  But barely over an hour later I caught him trying to walk his wheelchair back to the bedroom to lay down.  And he did not get up again all day except for a late evening session with the commode.
I thought he'd eaten a fairly good supper; and then discovered that instead of eating his salad, he'd just picked the grapes out.

It's early Saturday morning now, and I can hear him getting restless.  I think he'll settle back down, because he usually seems to sleep well in the mornings.  I don't feel as exhausted as the last few days, so I am hoping for a better day.