Day 115

Monday, September 16, 2013
Physical
He stayed in bed pretty much all day.  He said he didn't feel good.  In the late evening he rallied a bit, and ate a few slices of pizza.  The only time he got out of bed was when he said he needed to use the commode.  When he was ready to get off - to put it "delicately" - he needed help getting cleaned.  I got him to the bed as usual; but instead of getting on his side, he let his legs dangle off the side of the bed.  And it was downhill (literally) from that.    He ended up on his knees, so I tried what had worked in the past: to raise the level of the bed to where I could get the wheelchair behind him to sit back in.  But this time before I could get the bed high enough, he was telling me to stop.  So, it wasn't high enough, he could only reach the edge of the wheelchair.  I tried very hard to pull him into it; but in the end, he just slithered onto the floor.  He didn't "fall", and wasn't hurt.  But no matter what I tried I douldn't get him up; and in the end had no choice but call DSS.  By then DH was ready to just get back in bed, although that's when he was at least ready to eat and watch some TV.
People:
The supply delivery came around 8:30; DH actually rarely sees that guy.  The aide came in the early afternoon.  She got him washed up, and clean sheets on the bed (she's very good at doing that even with him in it!) And, as I said, DSS was there; and once DH was back on the bed, DSS did stay and talk a little while; but he had to get back home before dark (had a trailer on his truck with no lights)
Emotions:
I am tired, frustrated, and discouraged.  My daily "plan" has 4 parts to it.  One, the things that must be done: dishes, laundry, DH's care (medicines, dialysis, getting him up and down, etc), personal cae, pet care.  Two, keeping the house clean - trying to get "routine" cleaning done every week by assigning a specific chore to each day.  Three, deep cleaning: a "project room" per week, to be completed by Thanksgiving.  Four, working on Christmas (and other) sewing projects.The first part always gets done.  My problem is, one or more of the other three often don't get done.  I'm tired all the time, I'm sad most of the time, and there are so many variables that I'm having a hard time functioning like I feel like I should be doing.  People are always telling me "it doesn't matter".  Why is it fair to say that what matters to me (i.e., my home being clean and presentable) "doesn't matter"?  The message I'm getting is that I just don't matter at all
I will add one exception though:  DSS mowed the grass - first time in over 30 years he's done it voluntarily.  He told his GF it was partly because he was afraid when I had to walk out to the car in or near tall grass that I'd encounter a snake and not see it.