Day 73

Saturday August 3, 2013
I'm not actually sure why I'm bothering to keep this blog.  I have 2 followers - and have no idea who either of them are.  And it appears that only 1 person ever reads this.  
I acknowledge it's probably boring to any and every random reader.  And I seriously doubt I'll ever go back and reread any posts; unless for some odd reason I want to track progress.
I never get comments on any of my blogs; but I guess I can't complain, since I never leave comments either.  But I must say, I don't because you have to fill in the "secret word" nonsense; and I simply can't read them.  So to Google, I must be a robot.  Perhaps my one reader is a robot too! LOL!

OK, the last few days:
Physical:  DH seems about the same.  He seems a bit lethargic, and it's hard to tell if he's just in a fog or bored or sleepy.  He continues to *announce* that he's going to do this or that.  His mind seems to be getting worse in that regard.  And it seems to be getting harder to get him to process simple requests. Example: when trying to hold the oxygen tubing out of the way of wheels, he tries to help.  He grabbed a handfull of tubing; unfortunately, where he got hold was the end that is closest to the machine - so I couldn't push him all the way up to his bed.  And he could not understand when I kept asking him (eventually demanding!) to let go.  When he finally did, he took his entire tubing and cannula off.
He also continues to be surprised at his incontinence.  He isn't even aware any more if his clothes are wet.  I do now have pull-ups; I've avoided putting them on him, but it's either that or laundrhy every day.  I have a rubber backed sheet to protect the bed; but he tends to get his coveres wrapped around him - so the sheets and blanket have to be washed as well.
Since he really can't walk or even stand without help, I can't tell if he's getting weaker or not.  The wheezing doesn't seem to be any worse; but then, I wonder just how fast I expect him to go "downhill" just because he's on hospice.  (I think I'm terrified that they'll decide he's "improving" and drop him; and without the help I get from them, even though it is minimal right now, I don't think I could manage at all).
People:
On Friday the aide came; and the neighbor lady came over and cooked lunch.  I thought it was good; he ate, but won't eat any more because it has peas in it.  
On Saturday DS & family came for the day.  DIL and DGD and I went out awhile (got my toenails done!!).  DH was laying down, and I suspect DS was asleep too.  DGD12 was here.  The neighbor had offered to take my trash off, but never came by (unless he did and DGS didn't answer the door).  Also the "other son" had said he was coming; but as far as I know, he never showed up either.  
Emotions:
Up and down like a yo=yo.  Exasperated, frustrated, depressed, exhausted ... they all run together.
It's a very odd thing.  So many months we sad here alone.  I couldn't leave him; but no one considered him "that bad".  The family wasn't around all that much, except for DSS would (usually) come by one week night, plus his whole crew coming every Sunday for dinner.  I understand why it's always here (at first because they don't even have a kitchen; and now because we wouldn't be trying to get DH out there anyway).  But it's still exhausting to have them all (ALL those little boys)  And this week we have to turn it around - for THEIR convenience.  Not having everyone here so late at night will be fine; but I have less time to myself to do things too, and by night I'm too tired.  
Anyway, my point is, all that lonely time; and then he got accepted into a hospice program.  And suddenly we're never alone.  I'm under even more stress, because I always feel like I have to get up early and have the house presentable at all times - because I have no idea who will show up when (which is also not fair; but I don't seem to be allowed any control).  A lot of the "company" is from next door.  The little girls come over nearly every day; but if I just don't feel up to having them, I just tell them and they're very nice about just going on home.  But their mom comes several days, and even brought the preacher.  Neither of us minds them wanting to come pray for us.  But it tends to bother me that they insist on praying - demanding even - that he be healed.  I do believe in miracles; I just don't think he is going to be one again.  It tends to make me wonder - do they seriously expect God to cure EVERY person who is sick or hurt or even old?
Maybe my faith is too weak.  Maybe I'm completely wrong.  It just seems to me it would be more appropriate to pray for peace, comfort, acceptance, and strength.