Day 72

Monday, August 5, 2013
Physical:
When I write daily, there really don't seem to be noticeable changes.  It was a "calm" day, mostly.  He didn't appear to have any confusion about time and place  He does occasionally still have memory lapses about what he is physically able to do.  Since he spends so much time sleeping, or at least laying on the bed, it's hard to tell what his mental status is.  
Yesterday after being bathed, he sat in the living room for a few hours.  He stares semi-blankly at the TV; I'm never sure if he's actually watching it or not, though I do try to find something he'll find interesting.
He managed to eat a small bowl of brunswick stew and a bag of Cheetos, though it took him a long time.  He stayed in bed so late, I didn't even try to get him up, but took dinner to him.  I fixed him barbeque and brunswick stew, 2 things he normally likes.  After well over an hour, he only ate about 2 bies of each; and it took another hour to get him to tak his pills.  
Laer, when I was nearly done with getting dialysis set up, he started hanging his legs off the bed, and informed me he thought he'd get up for awhile.  I confess, I was mad at him. :(  I know that's pointless, but sometimes it's all just too much.
People:
The aide came to get him bathed.  While he was sleeping the neighbor came over.  She just sat with me awhile, and we watched  her 2 y/o play with teddy bears.  She talked with the girls, and occasionally she would ask me something (through them).  She offered to vacuum (embarrassing that it was that obvious that it was needed), but told her I'd do it later after DH woke up.  She asked things that shouldn't have been any of her business - like how much rent I pay, and did I pay my GF for cutting grass.  I wonder if she was angling to get me to pay her husband to cut the grass.  
After she went home the girls stayed pretty late.  Even GF stayed later than usual.  
Also the supply delivery came; but it was a different driver than usual.  He'd been before, but not the guy who does the morning route.
Emotions:
It was a difficult day; but at least part of it had nothing to do with DH or anyone else.  One of the kittens accidently got in, and it took a lot of stress and all day to get him out.  It annoyed me that the neighbor lady comes over, and if I don't have something for her to do, she just sits and visits.  She's trying to help, but what she's doing is adding yet another layer to my stress ... feeling like I have to get up earlier and earlier to have everything "done" before people start just showing up.  And yet, ti's still not the people I care about that are showing up or calling.  DSS calls nearly every day; but I'm not really sure if he hears what I say or not.  I tell him how his dad is doing; but no matter what I say - good day or bad - he'll say he just called to see how his dad is doing.
On a day to day basis, I'm "on call" 24 hours a day.  I'm up from early morning to late at night, and have to try to fit all that needs to be done around his schedule and what I have to do for him.  And yet, people want to just drop in.  I sometimes get told "it doesn't matter" if I feel like my house isn't clean enough ... but they notice.  So it does matter.  And I don't understand why I'm expected to keep this big house spotless at all times, and do all that he needs done, and have myself showered and presentable at any time someone decides to show up at my door, and still be cheerful and polite no matter who shows up when.
Sometimes I don't know if I cry because I'm sad, or scared, or just tired!