Day 67

Sunday, July 28, 20
Physical:
He spent more time in bed today.  I used to push harder to make him be "up" more; but I've quit stressing over it so much.  He's not all that long before being completely bed-ridden (according to his nurse).  So, he didn't get up until nearly 3:30.  He sat on the commode awhile; but I think that may have been just habit.  Once he got up, I couldn't get him interested in TV (or anything).  He just sat there.  The TV was on, but he didn't really pay it any attention.  Since he hadn't eaten all day, I decided we couldn't wait later by 5:00, so fixed him some supper.  All he would eat was one chicken leg and 1/2 ear of corn.  I don't remember the time, but think it was around 7ish I gave up and let him get back in bed - he was trying to figure out how to move the wheelchair by himself (which he can't do).
I went back later and connected dialysis - had to wake him up to get him settled "in" bed, not just "on" it.  He was very sound asleep when I took the 10:00 pills; and during the night I could hear him snoring a lot.
People:
The little girls came in the morning, but I sent them away.  They came back in the late afternoon.  They want to "help" so much, but there just isn't much they can do.  I don't remember what time TGF got there, but I'm thinking it was after 6:00.  DSS never did come - he was tied up at the shop, then went home and cut grass.  DH was disappointed at that.  It's kind of a shame, because it meant DH had to put up with a lot of kids tht get on his nerves, but not his son.  DSS will come Monday, but there's a lot going on so DH might be too tired then.
TGF helped me with several things that I can't see well enough to do on my own.  We got rid of a huge amount of out-of-date medicines, and cleaned out one of the refrigerators. Again, lots of out-of-date stuff - because I can't read the dates, and because things get shoved to the back, I can't see them, so forget they're there.  No more than DH eats anymore, not much use in having much in there anyway.
Emotional:
For some reason it was a hard day.  I suspect it's at least partly because of day after day after day after day of gray gloomy weather.  Even when it doesn't rain, even when the prediction is for "partly" (as opposed to "mostly") cloudy, there's no sunshine to be seen.  I don't deal with it very well.  But I didn't even turn on lights.  I just felt so blue and weepy all day.  DH is so visably fading, and there's nothing I can do about it.  It just feels like I'm not doing enough, or doing everything wrong.  Should I *make* him get up - then he just sits in the wheelchair (gets uncomfortable) and nods off to doze anyway.  He thinks he lays awake all night (actually he doesn't), but for years and years I've tried - completely unsuccessfully - to convince him that he just can't sleep most of the day and then expect to sleep at night too.
There really are things I could be doing. And things I should be doing.  I am just not motivated to do much of anything except stress about whether my house is clean when people keep coming over to see DH (way too early in the morning!!).