I skipped a day as there was nothing of note to write.
Physical:
While he continues to grow weaker, we've had 2 fairly good days. No falls, and we're (well, ME) getting better at learning how to transfer. He does tend to forget sometimes that he needs my help. I had to give up getting him into the recliner unless there will be someone heere to help him get out.
He occasionally asks to use the commode (although some of those times he thinks he's going to just go in the regular bathroom; and occasionally gets annoyed with me when I don't "let" him); but he gets more and more incontinent, especially at night. I requested some Depends (or equivilent), but what I got were adult diapers. I've not yet figured out how to get one on him. And the fact that he even allows me to try (no comments at all) speaks volumes about his mental status. His body doesn't work on a regular basis any more either - but that could be as much as anything because he has practically no appetite any more.
People:
On Friday the aide came, got him washed up. The nurse came by to bring the official DNR form to be posted, and we talked a bit. The neighbor children have been coming over every day, to the point that it's a little annoying. But they're nice kids, and they mean well (keep asking if they can help me with something. Sadly, there's really very little they can do, as a lot of what keeps me busy is DH's care)). On Friday the mom came; and since there was nothing she could do to "help" me, she cooked lunch. It was actually dinner, and she's a good cook.
Also on Friday, in the morning, DH's brother camee to visit. I believe he was a bit shocked; after all, he hasn't seen DH since last october. He (brother) is recently recovering from a bout of heat stroke. Seems none of those kids (DH is one of 4) are very healthy. I'm ever so grateful that mine are!
Emotional:
I've had some very weepy days lately. It's not as much his physical decline as the mental. I think he's doing OK and suddenly he will say something that lets me know his mind is somewhere else. Last night he'd had a nap and I was trying to get him to wake up enough to eat some supper. He seems alert and oriented; and then he asked me "is there a bathroom in this place?". I asked where he menat, and he was pointing towards the back wall. I told him his bedside commode was right there, and asked where he thought he was. He seemed puzzled that I asked - he, of course, was in the art room at the aquarium. It seemed to upset him when I told him he was in his own room at home ... not because I told him;, but because he wasn't where he thought he was. As soon as I said where he was, he realized it. But that doesn't always happen.
So far he's not been to the point of not knowing anyone. He's very grateful and happy when people come to visit him. In his more lucid moments he keeps thanking me for what I do.
At one point (long before his mind began going so much) I tried to tell him that it hurt my feelings to be appreciated for all I do for him - I'd rather simply be appreciated, or at least appreciated for all I do. But it was only "for him". He never did understand that.
Now most of the time I bounce between depressed and weepy, and just tired and robotic.
It's good that people are coming to visit him, though it is a little annoying that they've been ignoring him for so long (and it's been a long time since we were able to be going anywhere, long before this hospice); but now keep showing up. I wish they would have bothered to visit when he was more able to appreciate it, and do things together - or at least capable of carrying on a conversation.
And stupid as it may sound, I'm still lonely. People come to see him. We have the nurse once a week (and she'd come more if he needed something), and the aide 3 times a week. I enjoy talking to them, especially the aide because we talk about some similar interests. I have a friend who says how much she cares ... but she rarely calls me (even though I pay for her phone); and she hasn't been able to come over because of the weather. She's found her a new friend who can afford to pay better than me, and has a car, and apparently no conflicts. She told me this new friend will take us to the fair this year .. but I really can't see me being able to leave DH with someone for a whole day. That would include his meds, his dialysis -nope, can't see that happening. They will go without me.I have another friend who keeps nagging me about wanting to come visit .. yet my schedule and hers don't seem to match up. I'm not as relaxed wheen she's here; and she's not at all interested in how I'm feeling. She only wants to tell me her experiences (when her husband died, and her mother was on hospice but in a facility), and makes it sound like I'm doing everything wrong.
My brothers and sisters are all very busy, and have no time to email or call, much less visit. And the more people that show up here, the more alone I feel.
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