Day 75

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 75

Friday November 7,  2014

I have not felt like writing for awhile now.  When I originally started this blog, I certainly had no idea of the direction it would take in only a year and a half.  I probably should have made the blog private; but because I never actually told anyone about it, I didn’t bother.  As it turned out, it was sort of accidently discovered; and then shared.  Since it wasn’t “private”, I didn’t object.  So can you imagine how disturbing it was to begin to get negative feedback and critical comments.  Not from everyone, of course.  But any at all is a problem.  It means I’m being told that I’m not supposed to ever tell anyone how I feel.  I’m supposed to only be all sunshine and rainbows, a regular Pollyanna.  Well, I have a newsletter for that.  It is a desperately lonely existence to feel like no matter what happens, no one cares; they don’t want to hear about it.  I realize that in general, when someone says “how are you?”, they don’t want an honest answer; they want you to say “fine”.  And the majority of the time I do that, because I do understand that people don’t care.  But there are some people that *should* care  … not everyone … and I wonder if there’s an element of guilt involved; some people (again, I emphasize, not all) want to believe everything really is “fine” so there’s no guilt when they go on about their busy and interesting lives with no thoughts of me at all.

So, that is my convoluted explanation why I just won’t bother to write very often.  Here is a brief update on what’s been going on in my tiny little wordl.

Three weeks ago I went to my 50^th high school class reunion.  One lady .. someone I knew by name only in HS … gave me a ride downtown where we took the bus tour of the city (with classmates who have lived and worked here all their lives gave a running commentary on what has and hasn’t changed).  Then we went to one of the nicer parks for a catered picnic.  During the afternoon there was a school tour; but I decided not to do that, as I knew I’d be too tired to enjoy the evening.  I took a nap instead.  Another lady .. one I’ve known since 2^nd grade (although we did not run in the same circles) gave me a ride to the (very fancy elegant) dinner.  She was extremely kind, and made sure I was not left standing alone anywhere.  After a bit of roaming and meeting people (and it’s really funny how many people claimed to “remember” me, although in 3 years of HS they never spoke a word to me!).  They found a table with 3 seats so I didn’t have to just stand around and she was free to roam.  Her husband brought me a glass of wine.  When it came time for dinner, she was very careful to take me through the line, tell me what each item was, and serve a plate for me.  Oh my!  It was way too much most excellent food!  The dessert table had many varieties of mini tarts.  She selected a plateful of different ones (and at the end of the evening insisted on wrapping up the ones left for me to take home). 

After the evening, though I did make an effort, I have not remained in touch with anyone.That’s not a surprise.  Merely having graduated together does not automatically mean we have anything in common.

Two weeks ago I had a nice long weekend with my son and his family.  My DIL drove up on Wednesday evening.  On Thursday afternoon we went back to their home.  Friday night was the HS homecoming football game .. DGD16 is in the marching band (although they didn’t perform since the half time was for the homecoming court).  I loved listening to the band!  On Saturday morning DGS13 had a soccer game, which they won.  On Sunday afternoon they had another playoff game.  Sadly, they lost that one; but it was close and they played well. On Monday DIL and I came back here.  She left very early Tuesday morning for a doctor appointment.  She spent Tuesday night in a hotel (partly due to still waiting on information as to whether she needed to come back the next day).   She came back here Wednesday.

Wednesday night she went with DN and I to the church supper.  It was their Halloween night, so there were dozens (maybe hundreds?) of costumes!  We had pizza, and played some bingo (I actually won a game!!  I do not normally win stuff, so that was exciting).   

The next day, Thursday, she headed home.  However, she did wait until afternoon.  I  had planned to go to a senior’s group meeting; but at the last minute a lady called who is the low-vision specialist I had been waiting to hear from.  She wanted to come over, so I didn’t go to the meeting.  My DIL stayed while the lady came.  After going through many different magnifiers, she settled on a very strong one that seemed to work the best.  In the end, she ended up promising me several different “goodies”; but I have to wait for them to be ordered.  She said she would try to get the order in with time for me to have things by Thanksgiving (which is still another 3 weeks off).

That Friday was Halloween, though of course there were no little trick-or-treaters here.  The weekend was what is more normal for me … very quiet and alone.  DN spends most weekends with her boyfriend.  I have mixed feelings there … yes, a lot of the time I feel lonely.  But I do not feel “less lonely” if she’s at home … just more stressed.  I’m always afraid I’m going to say or do something to spark  an “eisode”.  So I try to mostly just stay in my room. 

My room is nice.  It’s huge, and I love my big bright window.  It’s still a bit of a work-in-progress, but I’m ever closer to having it neat and organized, and the things I love most or need most easily accessible.

I did not get to go to church on Sunday.  A marathon had the street (which includes entrance to the parking lot) closed for 2 hours.  And as it turned out, my usual ride wasn’t available anyway.  So, again, a quiet weekend .. which except for Sunday morning is  pretty much usual.

On Monday a man from the blind society (no, wait, that should be “Blind Society” .. it’s their name, not a description!!) came out.  He will be my counselor (hereafter referred to as LS), and we spent over 2 hours going over various paperwork.  At first it looked like I don’t even qualify for assistance … my income seems to be right on the edge.  But he did some calculations, including expenses for health insurance and such … and yes, I do qualify.  I signed 4 or 5 forms officially requesting various aids or services … I don’t even remember everything.  It is quite astonishing what is available (but only in this country, in this city .. most others don’t have the funding for so much help).  I don’t know how long I have to wait for anything;  I do know the classes they have for technical assistance isn’t until March.  So, I wait and see what happens.  One thing LS did, though, is put me in contact with a lady he thought I’d get along with.  I’ve talked to her briefly (she was on the way somewhere), but she said she’d call me later.  So, I wait. 

All those events are out of the ordinary.  My days are in somewhat of a routine now.  DN leaves for work around 8:40.  I wake up when she gets up (usually I’m already awake), and turn my TV on for morning news.  I turn on the computer and do the newsletter.

After she leaves, I get coffee and do up any dishes (usually from supper and her breakfast.  I’ve told her I don’t mind doing that when she’s working … but don’t ever fix herself something to eat and then wallow on the sofa in fromt of the TV and leave me her dishes!). 

I check email, occasionally check other blogs (only family ones, to see …as best I can … pictures).  Occasionally I have email to answer, but not often. (except one dear faithful BFF).

My mornings are organized by “Kelly and Michael” … “Rachel” … “Price Is Right” … noon news … “The Chew”.  For a long time that was followed by “The Talk” … “Let’s Make A Deal”  and “Ellen”.  I’ve begun turning the sound off for those and listening to a book.  Of all the options I have, the CDs from the library are not working out well.  My portable CD player doesn’t seem to have a “pause” option.  But, I can get a couple of books a montn on my Kindle.  And the tape player from the Library for the Blind is working out well …  although I will need to call them to see if I can request specific books or authors.  So far I’m just getting random selections … some of which are good, some not so much.  The player is the easiest of all my options to use … giant buttons, plus every button speaks it’s function!

Not every day follows that exact routine, but most do.  Some days I walk to the bank or the library (usually both on the same day because they’re across the street from each other).  I can walk to the drug store; and if I feel really ambitious, all the way to the grocery store.

Note: I have learned that the best thing for me to do is buy my own “stash” of the things I want … my coffee, snacks, lunch and even some breakfast items.  DN does try, but she is not at all good at managing the grocery budget; and she doesn’t really comprehend buegeting as far as I can tell.  Plus she does a lot of impulse shopping. Sometimes she brings things home that she says she got for me … but she doesn’t ask me first, and it’s sort of hit or miss whether she got something I actually like or would eat.   I worked out a weekly food budget … but she rejected it because she said she didn’t understand the math).

There are also days I have to wlak down to the laundry room.  I try to match doing laundry with taking trash to the dumpster, but trash fills more often than the laundry basket!

On Wednesday nights we go to church for supper and whatever the program is each week.  I’ve resigned myself to paying for DN … she always says she has no money;  but her newest idea is to go with me and sit and watch me eat and say how good it looks.    So I revised my budget .. had to figure out what to cut out … so I can pay for both of us because I don’t want to give it up.

On (most) Thursdays I go to a senior’s meeting.  They meet at the church for lunch and a program of some sort.  They also do a lot of “filed trips”.  A lady picks me up and brings me home; but if she didn’t, I could take a bus since I now know how to be sure the driver lets me off at the right place.

On Sunday morning another niece picks me up around 8:00.  I go to early service, Sunday school, and regular service.  Then she takes me home.

At some point during the week .. usually weekends, unless DS/BIL are coming over, I try to get cleaning done.  I have long since given up hope of DN contributing in any way.  It’s a matter of picking my battles .. and it’s a daily one just to pick up general clutter … such as clear the bathroom counter, or straighten the living room.

Evenings are mostly spent with my TV; and occasionally if there’s nothing I want to watch, (like election results!) I will listen to a book.  I very rarely watch TV in the living room.  DN prefers the room pitch dark, which pretty much limits my going in there at all once the sun goes down.  But truthfully,  my vision is so limited that I do better with my big TV that I can sit closer to.

I also keep a running list of “projects”.  I am slowly chipping away; and none of them are “urgent” (although my goal is to have as many as possible done by Thanksgiving, when some family members will see the apartment for the first time, or the first time “put together”). I try to tackle a few of the items each week … but I have found I get more done if I just go with it when I feel inspired or ambitious and don’t fight it when I’m feeling tired or down or whatever and want to just sit here and rock. 

I rock a lot.  I don’t know why, but that is what helps me cope .. just sit and rock.  Watching TV or listening to a book; occasionally just dozing with Maggie in my lap (though she mostly prefers the window sill unless it gets cold).

At the moment, there are not many projected plans.  I think DN’s boyfriend is coming to supper tonight.  I have no idea if she is going to his house for the weekend or not.  (she recently “broke up” with him for being too boring .. but she requires being “entertained” at all times, and he can’t do that.  But, they’re “working things out” so I really have no idea what the status is now).  Sunday is church.  My DIL has an appointment Tuesday afternoon.  My son and the kids are off Monday and Tuesday, so I don’t know yet what their schedule will be .. may or may not come Monday night (but I suspect not, although it will make a very long exhausting day for DIL).  The kids get to stay with me Tuesday while parents go on to the appointment.  That will be a first, and I hope they won’t be bored.  At 16 and 13, I don’t know how to “entertain” them other than maybe walk up to McD for lunch.

The Wednesday night program is a series .. leading up to Thanksgiving .. on gratitude.  That’s a tough one, but I’m working on it. I have to figure out how to get past so much sadness, frustration, loneliness, discouragemtnt, resentment, and depression.

On Thursday the senior group is going on a tour of a Salvation Army facility (can’t really say that sounds exciting! LOL) and then to Olive Garden for lunch.  That’s a bit out of my budget, but I will tighten somewhere else.

Other than possibly hearing from LS about anything, the next few weeks just repeat the same pattern (except senior group won’t have field trips every week of course).

I have taken up a huge chunk of this morning updating .. don’t expect it again any time soon! J

Day 50

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 50

Monday, October 13,  2014

I originally started this blog as a way to track my husband’s rogress through trying to get him into a hospice program, and then following the rest of his life.  After he died, I start numbering over the days alone.  When I moved, I started again to number the days in my new life.

I’ve been here 50 days.    I don’t anticipate any major changes in my life now.  And, I’ve quite often received negative feedback for writing what I’m feeling.    Considering that it’s getting so much harder to even write, I’ve decided there’s no point in continuing.

If there are any “major” changes in my life I will post.  Otherwise, this blog will remain silent.

More Day 49

...I was running a little late for church, so now is the continuation.

After the picnic there was a tour of the school.  At the last minute I decided to pass on that.  I just wasn't at all sure my energy level would hold up!  So I came on back to the apartment, put my feet up and took a nap!
I still had plenty of time to get ready for the evening.   But, after I was all ready . with about 20 minutes to go ... I was so hot I couldn't stand it!  So at the last second I changed my mind about what to wear.    Instead of the pretty blue dress, I wore black p=culottes, a bronzy satin "shell", and a think purle print blousy type jacket.  It turned out either one would have been fine, there was a huge variety of fashion there.  But I was comfortable!
My ride picked me up about 6:10 I think.  She was a girl I've known since 2nd grade, although never "close" friends, and her husband.  by the time they got here it was raining pretty hard, and he walked up to the door (I was waiting on the tiny covered "porch") with an umbrella.  Very gentlemanly! :)
The supper was held at the country club .. very elegant place.  I've certainly never been there before, I am not in *that* social circle!  I would have been lost; but my friend stayed right by my side most of the time.  She made a point of finding a table with room for 3 (and turned out someone else had saved us seats at a table).  We walked around a bit, and I was amazed and the people I met who claimed to "remember" me! LOL!!  These are peopple who never once even spoke to me in 3 years of high school  (and a few of them even go back as far as 1stfirst grade!)  But there were also people I did know, and was delighted to see .. a few had never been to any of the other reunions.  There was a girl whose family and our had been friends, often had supper at each other's homes.  There were several of "mama's girls" ... ladies who had gone through 11 years of scouting with mama as troop (or ship) leader.  I often found myself wanting to tell mama I saw this person or that, and having to remember that I couldn't.
When I got to the point that I felt I might get too wobbly or achy if I stood any longer, I went on and sat at the table.  It was quite interesting listening to some of the conversations swirling around me!   From time to time someone would come up and talk a minute; and occasionally my friend would come back bringing someone to say hello.  She was very good at making sure I didn't feel "alone" even though I was.   Her husband brought me a glass of wine.
When it was time to eat, she made sure to go with me, help identify the various items (there was a LOT of food .. as there should have been for that price!).  We got a little of everything.  It was all excellent, though I couldn't eat it all (and she finished hers .. and is totally skinny.  there is no justice! LOL).  On the desert table they had a variety of tiny   (bite size) tarts.  She got several, and later on I did try one.  When we left there were about 3 left on the plate, which she inissted on wrapping up for me to bring home.
After the food part, there were a few announcements, which were hard to hear because the conversations continued.  Then they played music, mostly from 50 years ago!  I enjoyed that.  I suspect the braver souls were dancing; but I was too far away, andd behind standing crowds, to tell.
It was pretty late . for us old folks .. when we left.  I was so exhausted!

I really had a good time.  I know I'm highly unlikely to see or hear from many .. if any at all ... of these classmates.  If I wasn't "close" before, I'm not suddenly going to be now.    That's kind of sad; but it's just the way things are.

At church today many people spoke.  A few more that I hadn't met introduced themselves.  I'm beginning to have a sense of belonging, which is nice.  I feel like I should have something to contribute.  Eventually I will.
For now, I think maybe I'm just still in "healing" mode.    I spend a lot of time in my room, just rocking .. either listening to TV or to a book.  At some point I will be ready to move on.  
Most of the new friends I''ve made at church do not know it's only been 6 months since I lost my husband.  It's not come up, and no reason why it should.  I'm trying to move on and not looking for a pity party.  In my age range, I'm far from the only widow!!  And while they realize I'm vision impaired, they're  letting me retain enough dignity to find my own way .. and always someone available if I need to ask for help.  

DN won't be home today.  It's too damp (not raining hard but sprinkly) and chilly to go anywhere else.  So I guess today I'll just continue listening to my odd book.

Day 49

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 49

Sunday, October 12,  2014

Friday was a fairly quiet “ordinary” day.  I did walk up and get a manicure and pedicure.  Then I walked over to the bank.  And walked on home after that.  I pretty much spent the rest of the day doing nothing, just sitting in my room.  I listened to some more of a strange book, watched some tV.

Saturday morning I got up early.  Actually, I woke way too early; but was scared that if I went back to sleep I’d oversleep.  I set my timer for an hour and tried to relax, but sleep was over.  I got up, got showered and dressed.  A friend from high school (actually, a lady I knew by name only back then) and her SO came and picked me up.  The first thing we did was go to downtown.  There is a free bus that only goes through the main downtown area .. and all of the class that wanted the tour met and rode that (took 2 busses).  Two classmates who have remained residents told us about a lot of the things that have changed over the last 50 years.  Even though I couldn’t really see the things they were pointing out, I did remember most of the “landmarks” and enjoyed the tour.

From there we went to the park.  Honestly, I didn’t enjoy that *quite* as much, but still glad I went. 

I’m running out of time before my ride to church … TBC

Day 47

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 47

Friday, October 10,  2014

Yesterday was another half busy and half lazy day.  I woke early, dozed off and on and then went on and got up and got showered and dressed for the day.  I had a ride to the senior’s meeting (GAC), and she came early.  I didn’t mind that, I was ready.  It’s nice to begin to “recognize” people.  The speaker was a sports photographer from the newspaper.  He was interesting to listen to, although the slide show of his hotos .. even though on a giant screen .. were of little interest to me.  Occasionally I could make out something in the image, but for the most part it was light and dark shapes or blobs of color.  I just couldn’t help thinking how much DH would have enjoyed it!  And to top it off, lunch was one of his favorite dishes, Brunswick stew.  I felt sad, and a little down; but at least not weepy.

I was home by 1:30, with nothing else to do.  I guess my sadness manifested itself in drowsiness.  Even Maggie spent most of the afternoon sleeping in my lap.

DS did come by at one point.  (Interesting fact: even though one wall of my room is the stair wall, and I can usually hear people going up and down the stairs, I could not hear her knock at the kitchen door.  We need a doorbell!)   She had brought DN some pants for work, and got us each a sweatshirt.  DN’s has something about candy .. mine has witch’s boots on it! J  Goes well with my witch hat.

She asked about what I am looking for to hold my computer .. (a shop she wants to check out) … but that discussion evolved into my looking for something to organize and contain my growing collection of “listening toys” (Kindle, tape player, CD player).  It turns out she has a dresser stuffed unused into a closet that will fit the space and work perfectly!  Plus, the extra storage space will let me clear off other areas .. which may ultimately help with the where-to-put-the-computer issue.  DN will get BF to bring it here, but can’t be until next weekend.  That’s fine.

DN found a burst of energy or motivation or something, and made up a cheese dip she’d found a recipe for … it is excellent.

In the evening I called the girl who offered me a ride on Saturday morning.  I spoke with her a few minutes; and she will call me Saturday morning to cofirm what time she’s picking me up.  I tried to call SIL to thank her for something she sent in the mail .. but had to leave a message.

And that’s it for my day.

Last night was better.  I woke around 4:00 as seems to be usual; but was able to get right back to sleep.  I didn’t wake until after 7:00.  Today I plan to try to get a mani/pedi … and *maybe* see if the hair salon has time to fit me in for a trim.  I think if I can get my hair a little neater looking I can wear it down (sometimes) and not all pinned up always.  Maybe.  I also need to go by the bank; I can’t remember if I have other errands or not.

DN asked if she can go with me.   I’d rather go alone, but I told her she can as long as she’s aware I’m going places where she might have to just wait.  It’s not yet 9:00 … I’m dressed, she’s not up.  I’ll wait a little, but don’t want to wait too late since I don’t have appointments and don’t know how busy the places will be. 

Either way, it’s time to get off the computer and decide what I’ll do and when

Day 46

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 46

Thursday, October 9,  2014

Once again, I woke too early.  But at least it was after 5:00.  I would have liked to go back to sleep a little longer, but got too restless.  Now, after 7:00, I’m drowsy.   Chanes are needed!

Yesterday was a very quiet day.   The apartment had been cleaned, laundry done.  I did not want to walk to the shopping center since I’ve already done that once this week, and will again on Friday.  So I mostly just rocked and watched TV.  I always turn on the morning news .. I feel a “need” to know what’s going on.  I don’t know why … it’s all politics and terrifying news about ware, disease, and accidents.

I did talk to DB on the phone.  It turns out a hoped for camping trip will not happen (or rather, I will not be going).  But as I had already been offered an alternate plan that weekend … plus the offer of a trip in the spring I really really would love … it’s disappointing but not “crushing”. J   And right now I’m excited enough about Saturday to override other weekends.

DN got home (from helping her mom do some yardwork for BF) early afternoon.  She is still in the “be-nice-to-me” mode that always follows an eruption.  I never know how long it will last … so find it best to just stay in my room most of the time. I have my TV; my computer (though I don’t know how much longer this will be an option .. it’s getting harder and harder to see the screen); and lots of reading options now.  I am meeting other ladies at the church, and hope at some point to make friends enough to have options other than just meetings.  But even if I don’t, at least I have Wednesday night, Thursday lunch, and Sunday morning.

We left here about 5:00.  Again, the bus drive didn’t know where the right street was .. but this time it turned out to be a good thing.  She let us off at the next stop.  It seemed from the bus ride to be a long way .. but the street curved; and it turned out it was only one more block (really only a half block extra).  And that being a bigger street, it’s much more likely to get off correctly there.  That will only be an issue if I have to go by myself … and I have rides for Thursday and Sunday.   We had a nice dinner as always.  We sat with the same young couple, so are making friends with them and others.  I enjoyed the “study” (reviewing a book, “Unbroken” .. which I hope to get soon).  A nice older lady and her sister gave us a ride home.

And now I’m back to this morning, and feeling drowsy.  I have 3 hours until my ride to the senior’s meeting.  That long to get a nap, get a little breakfast (have to have something, but lunch will be fairly early), and showered and dressed.

I think I’ll try for a bit of a nap first.

Day 45

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 45

wEDNESday, October 8,  2014

I feel like I’ve been swallowed whole by sadness.  I just can’t seem to shake it.

Monday was not a *bad* day.  I spent the majority of the morning just sitting here in my room with the morning TV shows.  DN had as little as possible to do with me; but she respected my shut door, and was civil when she did speak.  Around noon I got dressed, told her I’d be going out soon … and when I was ready, I left (and forgot my phone).  I walked up to the bank and took care of what I needed to do there.  I walked over to the library .. and the kind lady there said it wa fine to bring the tap books there.  They don’t have any, but will gladly put them in their mail.  She also gave me the number to call my “contact” so I can discuss what books I would like to be sent.  Also, she took me over to the CD books and helped me pick out some.  (which was silly on 2 levels .. first, I don’t even have a CD player except the big record player which I not only don’t know how to work, it sits on the far side of my room because I haven’t figured out something better yet; and also because DN (chef) had actually given me a list of suggestions that I completely forgot I had!)  From the library I went to Chik for a sandwich and a iced coffee; and then on to the drug store.  I wanted to get a small (personal, portable) CD player, but they were out.    I got a funny Halloween decoration for the back door; I got some toilet bowl cleaner and a brush (because it was making me uncomfortable that it was so nasty and all I could find was a “wand” and no attachments;  some people don’t seem to be aware that not flushing makes the bowl get gross .. brown and very germy);  I got another remote too, but will wait and see if my BIL can program it (since I’m not to ever ask DN to help me and I told her I wouldn’t impose on her any more). 

I came on back then.  I put the decoration on the door.  I cleaned the toilet.  I hung up a few pictures (ran out of hooks except super size ones … but the majority of what needs hung is on the outer cement walls anyway). 

After all that, I finally sat and rested.  I don’t know if I “over did” or it was just from still feeling weepy; but I really didn’t feel good at all.  I felt vaguely queasy and very headachy.

When DN got home she popped in and out of my room several times to tell me stuff.  She fixed barbecued chicken strips for supper.  I am somewhat tired of chicken strips .. but she keeps buying bags of them in different “flavors”.  And I don’t especially care for barbecue; but then, I don’t get consulted on that. 

I did tell her at one point I didn’t feel good, so she pretty much left me alone.  She stayed in her room, I in mine.

Sometimes I think we should discuss this whole cooking/dinner thing.  But I’m quickly learning, I don’t discuss things with DN.  If I dare disagree with her in any way, she  gets mad. I’ve always hated confrontations of any kind .. and now,  when my life already has been so stressful lately, I’m trapped into exactly that.  I was told to “stand up for myself” .. but that doesn’t work.  I have no leverage (as in putting her out of a car or out of the house or whatever).  I have nowhere to go and I’m tied into a lease here. 

Her parents are to come to supper tonight and then finish hanging things on the outer walls.  (mainly because she wants the white board up, doesn’t really care that much about anything else.  Maybe except the living room curtain rod since I pointed out that there’s no way to put up the Halloween lights she wanted so much without that rod to hang them from).  Anyway.  She *told* me she had invited them to supper.  OK, I have no problem with that; in fact, I’m happy for them to come.  We’d talked about doing that.  But.  We did not “discuss” it.  She did not say “how about I ask them to supper” or anything.  She TOLD me she was going to ask her dad to come put up her white board.  And then she TOLD me she had invited them to supper.  She absolutely does not get the concept of doing things together except wanting to insist that I go with her when she has decided we need to do something.

Today is supposed to be grocery day.  She told me she got a friend to take us because we need water.  That’s fine I guess.  But her friend *might* take us at 10:00.  Or she *might* not get up in time and then won’t be available until 4:00 (and isn’t that cutting it a bit close with her parents coming?).  So I’m expected to be “ready” by 10:00 just in case.  So my thinking .. which I’m sure she will not agree with … is that I give her the money (EBT card ran out of course.  We did not expect it to last the month.  But I will be glad when she has income so she’s not using the EBT card for all the snack stuff she keeps getting … I’m spending my own money for my things) and she and her friend can do the shopping.  I see no need in my going along (she even said I could sit in Starbucks while they shop); I won’t be consulted on what they get.  But if I go along I’d be expected to just pay whatever the bill comes to.  If I give her the cash, she has to stick to that.  It’s only about a week and a day until her card is reloaded; but it’s been out over a week, and I’ve already put most of what I budgeted into groceries.  My payday will come earlier this month (and have to last 5 weeks next month) … I think I’ll just give her my share and let her know that’s what we have for the whole month.  My “share” is more than her contribution in addition to having to buy my own personal things (like coke or whatever).  I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.  I am on a budget too, and I can’t make it stretch farther just because it’s more than she has to start with.  I pay more than my share already (and if I have it, I don’t mind; but I’m not willing to risk not being able to cover my own expenses, like insurance and storage).

I was nearly asleep last night when the phone rang at 11:00.  DN didn’t get up for it (if she doesn’t recognize a number she refuses to answer  .. even though I pointed out that if she would *tell* someone they’ve got the wrong number they’d quit calling!) … she may have been asleep and not even heard it.  But a phone ringing late is startling to say the least, so I answered.  It was a wrong number of course.  But it didn’t hurt me at all to tell them so politely.  Then I had to get back to sleep.  I woke somewhere around 2:30ish I think.  I have no idea why … can’t pinpoint anything in particular that woke me.  But I had a hard time getting back to sleep by then.  I wasn’t “awake” .. didn’t want to get up.  I felt tired and grorry.  But sleep took a long time.  I didn’t wake until after 7:00.

It’s now after 8:00 … and once again, I have no internet connection.  I’m totally NOT thrilled with Time Warner.  Hopefully in a few minutes I can just start the computer over and will have connection.  But it’s soon time to go on and get a shower.  Or not.  I think it would make more sense for me to stay here, get some cleaning done (doesn’t need a lot, was cleaned Thursday),  get thing neat where access will be needed to hang things (like curtain rods), and get a load of laundry done.  I’ve tried to make a point of doing it Tuesday and Friday so it doesn’t get overwhelming … and today I can get by with just one load.  And I see no reason for me to ride along just to sit and wait.   

For now, just saving and getting eye drops, and then will try again to connect.

ly get internet back.

It’s now Wednesday morning.  I did not have internet all day yesterday.  DN called TW, was told the problem is the modem and they made an appointment to come out this afternoon.  DN went on off with her friend until late in the afternoon.

I dusted, dust mopped, cleaned the kitchen, swept and moped the kitchen, cleaned, swept and mopped the bathroom.  Then I took a couple of loads of laundry down, including all the bathmats.  In between washing and drying I took the bag of trash down (DN and her friend took the recycling, including all the flattened boxes).

DS/BIL came in the early evening to put up a few more things (on cement walls), and have supper.  After supper DN went home with them.  Before they left, BIL reset the modem … restored internet.

I had a quiet evening here by myself .. which wasn’t actually that different from most evenings here in my room. J Again, though, I woke too early.  For a long time I had gotten ast that I thought.  Guess not.

Day 42

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 42

Sunday, October 5,  2014

Well, I blew it.  I had a good weekend.  DN had (I think) a good weekend.  We had a good supper.  And I messed up.

I got some sort of package in the mail.  DN said it looked like a bunch of mail had been “lost” and redelivered in one envelope.  It turned out it was all one package, but it had been damaged.  I had no idea what it all was, and handed it to her just wanting to know who it was from.

It’s from the library, and she started reading some of it.  She was saying about how to mail the books back.  I stupidly pointed out that the library was closer than the mail box (it is!).  And she said NO, it says to mail them (tape books) back.  And then I blew it.  I got sarcastic.  I said of course I would not dare vary even one teeny tiny bit from what was carved in stone on that piece of paper.  Big mistake.  HUGE mistake.  All of a sudden she started screaming at me ..  I’m not even sure what she said.  It startled me, and I said “whoa, where did that come from” … well, obviously, it was all my fault for arguing with her because clearly one must never ever deviate from what that paper said, not even to so much as ask a question.  She told me not to ever bother asking her to help me with anything because she won’t have anything to do with me.  I asked why she was so mad … about that time her phone rang, and she was walking out the door to go outside and talk, and screamed at me that I am a “fucking moron”.

When she came in later, she turned off the TV and went in her room with the door shut.  I knocked on the door, and told her “I apologize for making you mad.  I apologize for imposing on you and promise I won’t do it again.  But do not EVER talk to me that way again.”   She said nothing, just shut the door. 

OK, it’s all my fault.  Everything is always all my fault.  She can say and do and act anyway in the world and it’s OK, but I’m the one who always has to watch what I say and do.  And I do hope no one decides to call her on this .. because it will only make her scream at me more.

This was just weird.  I thought she was doing better with the new medicine, so this just came out of “left field”, and makes me wonder if that new med is doing anything or it just happens she’s had a good week. She goes back to the doctor tomorrow.  I wonder if she’ll tell about tonight’s blow up?  Or will it not exist because it was, after all, all MY fault and she, as usual, “did nothing wrong”.

On Saturday DS/DIL came and got me around noon.  Other than a stop at a JoAnns, we went to a school where we sat through an entire day of high school marching band competition.  It was hot until the sun went down .. then it got very cold.  But I enjoyed all of it anyway.  I was pleased that the band my DGD16 is in got a 3^rd place for musicality.  They were competing agains some much more experienced bands.  At the very end was a performance by a major university band, which was most excellent!  I’ve always loved marching bands .. so with my limited vision, a band competition is a fantastic thing to get to go to.  I’m hoping to get a video; will have to mail a check to DS to order it.

I didn’t get home until nearly 11:00.  Then I got woke up about 4:00 by someone pounding on a door.  I don’t know what’s up with those people .. seems like every weekend someone (apparently) gets locked out.  It took awhile to get back to sleep, and then I didn’t wake up until 7:30 … and my ride to church was coming at 8:00!!  I managed to be ready, and get a cup of coffee; but nothing else. 

I went to the early service, then to Sunday school (the DN who works there found someone to “escort” me to the right place .. turns out several people there were ladies I met at the senior’s meeting).  After that I went to the later service .. a bit silly I guess, since it was nearly identical.  But being surrounded by people, even if I didn’t know them, seemed so much better than being home alone.  (although right now, I think I’d prefer alone). 

I spent most of the afternoon listening to a book.  It’s a strange book; not sure it’s something I would have picked for myself.  But it’s all I have (unless I want to listen to a book about training my dog).

Now it’s Sunday evening.  It’s not really late.  I feel like I want to just sit here and cry for a year or two.  I just don’t know how I’m supposed to go on like this.  I can make all the friends in the world; but in the end, I have to come back home and never know how I’m going to be treated.  It’s a very lonely feeling sometimes.

I know there are people who say “pick up the phone”.  And I know they mean it.  But after all, if it’s all my fault anyway, and I start calling people just to whine .. how does that make me any better?  So I just say what I feel here .. and no one is required to read.  I won’t apologize for saying what I feel here; but I won’t impose my thoughts and feelings on anyone else.

Tomorrow will be better.

Day 41

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 41

Saturday, October 4,  2014

‘

Last night for some reason I got into a weepy spell.  Mostly I’ve done well, other than “outside provocation”.  But I just felt so horribly sad and alone. 

It didn’t help that DN kept talking about her and BF and his friend were meeting another couple at a restaurant.  To be fair, she wasn’t trying to “rub it in”.  She isn’t wired that way.  She meant well in making sure I had enough leftovers to get through the weekend.  Anyway, I wasn’t upset with her at all; I just had a “down” night.

We had a good day (and maybe I was over tired).  We got out early and caught a bus into town.  Then we caught a different bus and rode way out to a WalMart.  We did a little shopping, not a lot (anything had to be carried).  I was really hoping to get curtain rods for my room and living room.  But the windows are so wide it seems the only option is going to be café rods with 3 brackets.  And those would be very awkward to carry on a bus (DN *said* she did not want to do that, though I know if I repeat that later she’ll insist she didn’t “meant it that way”. Whatever).  So I have no idea when I’ll ever get to have the curtains up.  DN did want to call her mom … but I don’t feel like her mother should have to buy the curtain rods.  So until such time as I can arrange a ride to a place to buy them, I will have to live without curtain rods … and therefore without curtains.  Once I ever do get the rods, then I will have to wait again for BIL to instal them since they are all (obviously) on outside walls.

Anyway.  We ate lunch at Subway, and then caught the bus back in toward town.  This time we got off at the big shopping center, and caught another bus back home.

Once we got in, after a brief rest, we each took a load of laundry to the laundry room.  When we got back, DN ran the vacuum and I cleaned the litter box, swept and mopped the bathroom floor, and dust mopped the apartment.  I went down and moved the laundry to a dryer, then came back and swept and mopped the kitchen floor (DN had washed up her glasses that were in the sink).  The apartment might not be “spotless” … but it’s neat and uncluttered (mostly); and the floors aren’t gritty or sticky.

I went back down expecting to have to put more quarters into the dryer; but everything was dry enough to pull out, so I semi-folded the things that were most lokely to wrinkle, then brought both loads back.  I know DN would have gone down to get her own; but I didn’t want to just leave a basket of clean laundry sitting there … and they weren’t heavy, just a touch awkward.  I managed.

From that point on, I mostly just sat here in my room with my TV.  I emailed a bit with my BFF, but otherwise just “watched” TV.  DN’s friend popped in to say hello and they all left.  I got up to put the chains on the doors; to do eye drops; and to get my leftovers. 

It seems like today I will get to go to hear my DGD16 in a band competition.  There’s still a chance that could change; and I have no idea what time.  So that leaves my morning a little bit in limbo.   Since we cleaned yesterday,  there’s nothing “urgent” I have to do. So I will wait until after the morning shows I like, then get a shower and dressed .. and just be ready for whatever.  If for some reason the outing doesn’t happen, I can still walk to the library and get help on using the DVD player they sent me.  And maybe exchange the books!

Day 40

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 40

Friday, October 3,  2014

Yesterday was a mixture of good and bad.  The one “bad” thing turned out to bring about a very good thing, but also may effect something else negatively.

Once DN got on her way to the library, I got ready and left in plenty of time to catch my bus.  But, it turned out, the bus driver didn’t know where my street was; and no matter how hard I tried, I simply was not able to recognize any landmarks.  She said she “thought” it was at a certain place .. and it wasn’t, and she didn’t even stop.  I rode that dratted freezing cold bus it’s entire route .. and then on the return trip, she stopped and said “oh, here’s your street”.  By the time I was sure I was too late, but got off because I was so cold.  I walked on down to the church .. I was “only” an hour late.  But they were very nice; a lady got me a plate of food, and I sat with her and some others.  I felt a little self conscious eating after they were all done.  They had a doctor as a guest speaker.  He was funny, and had a lot of advice for seniors .. 99% of it about using natural or OTC medicines and treatments.  Of course, I can’t remember most of what he said .. except about eating 10 blueberries a day to help memory; and eat about 1 ½ ounces dark chocolate before going for a walk to increase stamina.

After he was done, the ladies I was talking to got my contact information; and I went on and paid annual dues (only $10) to join the group.  The ladies were horrified to hear about the ridiculous bus ride, and as a result I now have a ride to and from.  I also confirmed my ride with DN (the cook) on Sunday.

The afternoon was fairly quiet; and I didn’t really do much.  I did call the insurance company; and it turns out the request is apparently not all that unusual.  The lady I spoke with agreed with me that it’s a way for the property owners to try to get out of paying for potential damages even if they were not caused by renters.  However, it’s legal, and won’t cost any extra (the liability was already on the policy); and if for any reason there should ever be a reason for a claim, if I believed it was something that was landlord responsibility, I would fight their making a claim against my insurance.  Hopefully the office got the fax and they are satisfied for now.

I received library books on tape in the mail.  They sent 3 picked based on my “preferences” (a questionnaire the social worker did).  One I have read; one is about training dogs.  Hopefully the 3^rd won’t be a dud! LOL!  But I still have to learn how to work the machine.

It seems like a lot lately I’ve been woken up during the night by loud noises outside.  Last night it was people talking and laughing extremely loudly … or maybe it just sounded loud because it was 2:00 in the morning!!  They seemed to be walking (slowly) up the street, because the voices did finally fade away.  And I did get back to sleep.  But it’s time to get busy this morning.  I believe we’re going to take a “bus adventure” … my first time to try changing busses in town.  After yesterday, I’m not very enthusiastic; but I have to learn in order to get to my doctor’s office eventually (no appointment until December .. but once DN starts working there will be less time for “learning” rides).

I need to go on and get dressed and get breakfast; we have less than an hour until time to leave.

Day 39

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 39

Thursday, October 2,  2014

This day didn’t turn out like I thought .. oh gee, what a surprise! LOL!  I really didn’t do as much as I thought I would.  With no one coming here, I decided I could just wait until the weekend to do cleaning as usual.  I did get the linen closet cleaned out and reorganized .. it’s very nice now.

The one “downer” to the day is the rental company again.  We got an email that I needed to have the owner company added to MY renters insurance as “interested party”.  So I took the rent over and asked what that meant.  According to the jerk in the office, it’s “in the lease”  (which he knows I can’t read) that not only are all tenants now required to carry renters insurance, the insurance has to have $100,000 liability (I’m not even sure what that means) and name the rental company as interested party.  He explained … that means that if the apartment burns down, my possessions are covered, and the policy pays $100000 to the owner!!!  Basically, in addition to ppaying rent, tenants are required to insure the building!  I am absolutely furious.   I have to call the insurance company today, and if it raises my premium something else will have to go.   More and more I get the feeling that unless you’re super rich (which means either paying lots of taxes or supporting politicians), society in general wants us old people to just drop dead and quit using up resources.  The fact that we spent our working life paying into the system is irrelevant. 

DN got the job she interviewed for.  She doesn’t know yet when it starts  Hopefully things will within a few weeks settle into a routine.  She will be working mainly mornings, so other than the days I go to any senior activities, I will have the morning to myself.  Since she spends most weekends with BF, unless I have something else going on that’s when I will clean.  In the afternoons she will likely most days nap, so that’s when I’ll do laundry or walk to do any shopping I need, or go to the library.    Anyway, it will smooth out I think. And the meds she is on now seem to be mostly helping.  Some things will never change of course; but  we’ll figure out how to work around that.

Last night we went to the church supper.  It was very good.  There was no study after, as they had a business metting.  A lady (who also didn’t want to stay) gave us a ride home.  I also have a ride for Sunday (BIL will be out of town). 

DN has library volunteering this morning, probably the last time.  I’m going to take a bus to the church for a senior’s group meeting.  This will be a new experience, I hope I enjoy it and want to go back.  As soon as DN leaves for the library I’ll get showered and dressed.  I know what time to leave; there’s only one buss so I won’t get the wrong one; and I know what street to ask the driver to let me off at.  Yesterday I watched as carefully as I could to try to determine the right stop if the driver doesn’t remember or won’t bother.  Getting back home will be easier other than I have no idea how long I’ll have to wait for the bus. 

Also yesterday, I got the free DVD book reader from the library.  They included instructions .. in braille!! LOL!!  Obviously that made sense .. but no help to me.  There are written ones too but no way I can read them.  So maybe after I get back from the meeting I’ll walk to the library.  I need someone to show me how to use it, and I need some DVDs to listen to!  I also still need to download the software to get books on my Kindle.   It’s nice to have a more portable option.  I will save up my Audible credits … if my insurance goes up, that might be what I have to give up.  So I’ll save those credits to treat myself to a more current book by favorite authors occasionally (like the 3^rd book in a trilogy that hasn’t been released yet).

I think I’ll wait until after the meeting to call the insurance company … don’t want to spoil my morning being in a bad mood myself!!  For now, I need to get more coffee and be ready to get in the shower after DN leaves.

Day 38

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 38

Wednesday, October 1,  2014

Things change so fast that I not only can’t “expect” anything, I hesitate to make plans.  I might do this, I might do that.  I never know.There are times when the uncertainty or the chanes ae unavoidable.  I understand that.  And a lot of times the changes have nothing to do with me; and yet they effect what I do or don’t do at any given time.  And occasionally, the changes are simply to suit someone else and I get dragged into the change just becaue my take on it doesn’t matter.

I am trying to work on  lining up things for myself and to organize activities on my own.  At the same time, there are times I just want to be lazy; and I don’t want to allow someone else to insist I do something I neither want nor need to do just because it’s what they want.  Selfish?  Maybe.  Can’t I be selfish sometimes???

I  took laundry down to the room by mid morning, and came right back .. all washers except the broken ones were in use.  On a Tuesday?    I waited until early afternoon, and there was a washer available.  Many of the ones used earlier still had someone’s wet loads still in.  I understand that sometimes you just have to fit things in the best you can; but there is limited space for a huge number of potential users.  I would be very uncomfortable removing someone else’s wash, but if it was the only way I could get mine done .. and had been there several hours .. I might.  Anyway, when I went back the good dryers were available.  I did have  to bring my clean things back to the apartment to fold  because someone was using the only folding table; but that wasn’t a big deal.

DN’s plans changed, though it didn’t effect me as much as it sometimes done.  She got a call for a job interview .. a very good job .. which takes priority over everything else (in fact, the ground is too wet still for what she had planned for today anyway).  The original plan was to spend the night at BF’s house, so she did that anyway (“using” him as an alarm clock! LOL).  BF tried to fix the new remote … and can’t make it work.  I’m beginning to believe it is my TV thaat’s somehow defective, though it wasn’t before I moved.  SOOO frustrating. 

After they left (she fixed supper first) I got a burst of energy.  I had a project in mind, a furniture change that would make some areas flow better.  I wish I had done it earlier, it is so much better.  But it took awhile for my mind to process the possibility.

I don’t kknow what time DN will get here, but sometime this morning because BF has to drop her off then go to work.  But she won’t be here long as she has to catch a bus to get to the interview. 

I have no idea how long it will take.  I hope to get the apartment cleaned and tackle the linen closet.  I know I don’t have to wait until DN isn’t here.  But for one thing, I work better alone to do things my own way (and I do not take kindly to someone who doesn’t lift a finger to help trying to tell me how to do things).  Anyway, it just bugs me to be cleaning while she just sits around watching TV or napping.  (we had initially planned to do the closet together.  Then it “evolved”  to I would do it and she would be “available” if I needed help. Well, no thanks then.  I’ll just do it and tell her where I put things).

I’ve not heard from DIL yet, so no idea what (if anything) will happen this weekend.  It’s not bugging me though, because it’s a situation no one can control right now.  Plus there will be other weekends.  But DN and I will go to the church supper tonight; and probably the Bible study after since I think she has us a ride home.

I guess I need to go on and get dressed and ready to tackle whatever I need to get done.

Day 37

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 37

Tuesnday, September 30, 2014

Monday was gray and drippy all day, but not cold at all.  It was an odd combination of lazy and busy.  All morning I did nothing much at all.  My stomach seemed a little unsettled for no particular reason.  I didn’t even wake up until 8:00, and made no effort to do anything beyond dishes. 

DN left by early afternoon to go to an appointment. I pushed myself to go on and get up and at least get showered and dressed. About 3:00 I started walking towards the shopping center.   DN called me on the way to let me know she was leaving where she was.  I got to the grocery store … was lucky enough to reclaim the lost sunglasses (which I certainly did not need at the time!), and waited for DN.

We started out only needing a very few items.  But more and more kept getting added to the basket.  Funny how that works.  So by the time we left the tote I had to carry home had gotten very heavy (DN had some things too, but also had library books).  It was sprinkling fairly steady by then, but we walked on.  It was warm enough not to care if I got wet .. but I didn’t really.  We went to the drug store, and I picked up my eye drops.  I got a few other small items, and a new remote.

I walked on home while DN went to the bank and library.  It was sprinkling pretty steady by then; but I didn’t get more than a touch damp so it was OK.  I sure was glad to get here though, as that bag had gotten really heavy!

DN got home not too long after I did and finished putting up groceries (I had the cold stuff and put it up).

By mutual agreement we had an early supper, baked potatoes and salad.

DN tried to program the new remote.  I’m beginning to think the problem really is my TV .. although the only problem I had with it before the move was the Dish remote kept “eating” batteries.  She was able to get it to turn the TV off and on … but nothing else.  I still can’t change channels, which is the biggest frustration to begin with.  I asked if it needed to work like the other one I had .. some button to be pushed before the number; but she said it didn’t because it was exactly like the one in her room.  So eventually she’ll ask BF to come by and look at it. 

Meantime … I’m out the cost of yet another remote and still have to struggle with those stupid tiny little buttons on the back of the TV.  This is Mega frustrating.

I tried really hard to stay awake to see the 10:00 show that I like.  I ended up dozing off and on through 9:00 and 10:00 shows.  SO annoying.  And worse .. I thought if I waited until the show was over to do my eye drops it would help me not be so sleepy (because the night time drops make my eyes feel tired), so I brought the drops in where I wouldn’t have to get back up to get them.  And forgot them.  Makes me want to just scream. L  I was able to keep up with pills for DH at about 6 times a day … but I can’t keep up with my own stupid eye drops.  I guess part of the trouble is that the drops don’t make the slightest bit of difference to my vision.  So it’s hard to convince myself that they’re that important.  Perhaps I need my nursy niece to do some research on the effects of eye pressure.

Yesterday I slept too late.Today I was awake by 5:30, but waited until after 6:00 to give up and turn on the computer.  I don’t know why I bother.  DN had trouble sleeping, so 3:30ish in the morning she was turning on lights and her TV.  She did, finally, close her door; and I did get back to sleep.  It’s very hard to be “quiet at night (or any time) because the floors squeak something awful.  But I keep trying .. I suppose one of us has to be an “adult” .. though at times I’m getting really tired of being “it”. 

The original agreement was that I would pay more of the electric and do more (NOT *allI) of the cleaning, based on the concept that she would be at work and I would be spending more time here.  Only it’s now been over a month and she’s still not got a job;  but I’ve done almost all of any cleaning that’s gotten done (and I don’t care what anyone says, I don’t feel like I should be required to *tell* another adult when she needs to do her “chores”); and I’ve paid way more than “my share” of the ca ble bundle   And yet … I’m “not allowed” to use the remote in the living room, so basically she has that TV (with Amazon and Netflix) all to herself while I am stuck in my room  if I don’t care for what she watches .. and I have no working remote for my room.

I’m not really in a pissy mood this morning.  But I am annoyed.  Things are not working out the way I was led to believe.  No matter what, I feel like I’m living with a child.  And an often selfish and inconsiderate one at that. 

I raised my son.  I did the best I could with a step son who totally hated me during the tenn years he was at home (and for many years after as well).  At one time or another both of those sons moved back home with wife and 2 kids, and we shared our home with them for several years each.  Then I spent a lot of years taking cre of my husband.

Now I’m alone.  I’ve lost my husband, my home, a huge portion of the *things* I loved, and my vision is going. The “independence” I was hoping for with the move isn’t really happening.  I realize DN means well, but she’s interpreting “helping” as “controlling”.

OK, she isn’t going to change.  Either I resign myself to a lot more cleaning than I was supposed to have to do, or I give up and live in a messy home.  I let her organize “outings” to suit herself, and pray she gets a job soon.  And, I WILL find things to do with adults I have something in common with.  I will be going to NB this weekend to get to see grands  perform (band).  I don’t know yet when I’m going; so depending on how that works out, I’ll go to a seniors group that meets for lunch at the church every week.  That’s a good starting point.  I will call the lady about the VIP sewing group and other social activities.  Also I have a class reunion coming up in less than 2 weeks.  I’ve mailed my check (should arrive today actually), and have found a ride for the dinner.  I’m sure I’ll find a way to get to the other activities I want to participate in.  Since I’m living in town again (and not far far away), I hope I’ll be able to reconnect with some of the people I grew up with.  I was never “close” friends with any of them; but there are many I’ve known since 1^st or 2^nd grade, and maybe at this time of life we can forge new friendships.

The sky is getting light.  DN wants to go to Chik-Fil-A for breakfast .. she has a coupon that expires today, and I still have a coupon for a free iced coffee.  But it’s still at least an hour before she even gets up.  So I guess I’ll just go on and get dressed; and maybe get laundry sorted to do later today. 

This afternoon’s exciting plans include cleaning out and reorganizing the linen closet.

Goody.

Day 36

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 36

Monday, September 29, 2014

Sunday was a bit of a boring afternoon.  I got up and ready in time to get to church, and I’ve decided I enjoy the “traditional” service much more than the contemporary.  I have to decide if I want to go to the early service or later (“normal” for me) one next weekend.  BIL will be out of town (no ride) and DN will be at BF’s house (no company).  I hope I don’t get too lazy to go alone; but anyway, I have a week to decide.

When I got home I did a few more chores around to clean .. but in the end I did not give the apartment as thorough a cleaning as I did last weekend.   

I found the rest of my candles so added that “final touch” (the empty candle holders were a bit silly, though no one really noticed.  DS or BF are the only ones who have been here anyway; and DN doesn’t notice anything unless I point it out). 

I also got my printer hooked up.  I was afraid the move had damaged it, but it’s working just fine.  The only issue I have is space … working out a good way to be able to use the bigger monitor and keyboard, but have the laptop and the printer withint cable reach.  My DB is working on ideas for me, so I will make do as I am (not *that* bad) for a few more months.

DN called by late morning.  She had a question about groceries .. and gave me the impression they’d be here by early afternoon.  I had planned to walk to the drug store (one of the eye drops ran out .. the one that does not last a month even when I don’t use it as often as I should).  But I thought I’d better wait.  BF was to take me to storage.

They did not get here until late afternoon.  With no TV, nothing to read, it was a pretty boring afternoon!  Anyway, as soon as they got here I took the last of the boxes and things down to BF’s truck and he gave me a ride to storage.  I was not able to find the last box of Halloween things … I *think* it’s marked, but so far I haven’t found the stack it’s buried in.  I took the antique mirror back .. was afraid it was too heavy to hang safely (although I had it hung in my house for years … maybe I just didn’t really want it up for now); I replaced it with a lighter one.  It doesn’t even really matter since I can’t see enough to “use” a mirror.  But, it helps bounce light.  I also found a pair of lamps I had been looking for.

When we got back, BF fixed the problem with the TV.  Sometime today I need to go get the eye drops, so I guess I’ll just go on and buy another remote.  DN has an appointment at the big shopping center; she will call when she’s on the way home.  If it’s not rainy I will meet her at the grocery store, and we can stop by the drug store on the way back.  If the afternoon starts to look too rainy (the forecast is only for stray showers) I may go ahead and not wait.  Or if it gets a lot rainy, it’ll just have to wait one more day.

After BF left, I got the lamps set up where I had intended them to be.  I like them there; but I wish I could put a little bit lower wattage bulb in.  I might look for some of those whenever I get to the drug store (or if I go to the grocery store).

DN cooked ranch-burgers and fries for supper.  The burgers were extremely juicy, and very good.

As usual, I fell asleep before the end of my shows.  I *almost* got to see all of CSI; but missed the ending!  That is so annoying. (

During the afternoon when I was so bored, I tried looking things up on the computer.  It’s hard because I have to enlarge things so very much.  Some sites just don’t enlarge at all; others tend to overlap printing which makes it impossible to read.  Occasionally I find one that I can copy and paste to read the part I’m looking for.  One of the things I looked up is that the church (DN’s family church) has a “Grand Age” group.  I was able to enlarge enough of the narrative to get an idea of it, and a contact number.   I think joining a senior’s group would be a very good thing .. they meet in the daytime, and I can get there by bus.  I will call today to get more information; I’d really like to at least check it out.

I think the VIP sewing group meets on Mondays.  I have the contact number; but since the social worker specifically told me the lady would get in touch with me, I’ve held off calling her.  But if I don’t hear from her by later in the week, I will call.  I’m determined to get involved in enough that between groups, church, and taking care of what must be done at home (cleaning, laundry, etc) I don’t have time to be bored. 

I will wait for a day with much less chance of rain before going to the library to get the audible book download there.  Plus I should be hearing before too much longer about the program from the library with the blind services.  They’re supposed to be sending some sort of listening device .. I don’t know if it will be a small DVD player or what.  Wait and see.

It’s a gray morning again, but not raining (yet).  It didn’t get as cool this time, even though I know cool, cooler, cold is on the way!  I didn’t sleep well .. no idea why.  I kept waking up, but going back to sleep.  I had odd dreams; and didn’t wake until the alarm clock went off … supposed to be for eye drops.  At 8:00!!  I don’t even know when I’ve slept that late.  And I have to keep reminding myself .. I have no time frame today.  The call I want to make will be later in the day.  A walk to the drug store won’t be until afternoon at the earliest. I don’t think I would have slept much longer even without the alarm … it’s grass mowing day again.  It seems like they mow about twice a week!  Well, one day is the tractor and another is weed eating.  I don’t really mind, as it’s plenty late enough to be up; and I do like the smell of fresh cut grass!  It mingles with the fall smells I love (although, all the grass cutting does diminish the falling leaves that I also enjoy).

DN is still sleeping.  She always sleeps late if she doesn’t have somewhere to be .. but I don’t think she slept well either.  I know I heard her during the night (but she didn’t wake me up).

Another thing I did yesterday was send a message to the email group I belong to for my high school class.  We have a reunion coming up in about 2 weeks.  I need to get rides to the events I want to get to.  This morning there was a post from a girl offering a ride to the dinner.  Yay.  I can probably find a way to get to everything else.  She’s a girl I have also known from about 2^nd grad (though, again, never close.  I was so horribly shy, I had no close friends at all until about 7^th grade .. and from there to graduation only one close friend.  And both of those girls have died of cancer.  So I will have no “besties” to be reunited with at the reunion).

Regardless of whether I have something do do or not, I guess I ought to get dressed and ready to face this gray day.  

Day 35

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 35

Sunday, September 28, 2014

I had a quiet and fairly productive day.  I tackled several rojects, and did as much as I could on them.  My closets are now neatly organized; I went through fabric and picked out potential pieces for a project; and I wanted to get out my fall colored candles .. turns out I don’t have any.  I *should* have a box full, so I’m hoping they ended up in storage. 

I walked to the grocery store and got a few things.  It was nothing I couldn’t have done without, but I just needed to be able to do it for myself.

I had a lovely long talk with my SIL.

And then I blew it all.  I accidently hit a wrong button trying to change the TV channel .. and it went back to a menu.  I can’t “fix” what I can’t see.  So I have to wait for someone to get it back where it belongs.  It would be helpful if someone could tell me how to fix it …like, which box needs to be “lit” and then what button to push … but no one seems to get that.  It’s just I’m too stupid to do it .. same as the living room remote.  DN keeps putting off teaching me how to use it.

It’s really getting greatly annoying to keep being treated like I’m stupid.  Maybe I am in some ways .. but mostly I’m not.  Not being able to see something doesn’t mean I can’t learn another way to do it, if someone would bother to teach me.

I read a book, but it turned out to be very short … less than 3 hours to listen.  So Maggie and I settled in a little early.  I was awakened a little before 5:00 by someone who seemed to think very early Sunday morning was a good time to ride a Very Loud motorcycle around a residential neighborhood.   After it got quiet again, I set my timer because I was afraid I wouldn’t wake up in time to get a shower.

BIL is picking me up in a few minutes for church.  This afternoon I will finish cleaning.  At least, that’s my plan for now.  I know it shouldn’t be up to me to clean every weekend while DN is off with her BF.  But … if I’m the only one who cares if it’s clean, then it’s up to me to do it.

Off to grab coffee before time to go.

Day 34

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 34

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Yesterday was calm and productive.In the morning I got a load of laundry done, and also carried trash and recycling to the dumpsters.  Around noon I showered and dressed, and DN and I walked to the bank.  I gave her the rent money, and got some bank checks to pay off some final bills from before my move.  It’s nice to have that taken caer of finally.

From the banks we walked across to Chick-Fil-A where I used a coupon SIL had given me for a free iced coffee.  To my surprise, it was very good (never been a big fan of iced coffee .. this could change my mind!).  Then we went by a mail box (there’s only one “close” by .. kind of a pain if I have to mail anything.  Fortunately I don’t mail things often).

For the rest of the afternoon not much at all got done.DN  was in a very “conciliatory” mood all day, as usually does follow an episode of temper.   I just wish I could get her to understand the different between “helpful” and “smothering”. 

Anyway, in the early evening BF picked her up.  And while I’m fine with being here alone .. there is a tiny rude corner of my mind that wonders why it’s OK for her to leave me here alone to eat leftovers while she goes out to meet friends for pizza.  So if I don’t like it I have to find friends.

In the mail I received a packet of information from the social worker with blind services.  A letter basically confirmed all the things we discussed and that I signed up for.  So mostly there’s not much I can do but wait to hear from people.  An exception is I have contact information for a lady with a social group.  I will try to call her over the weekend.

I also understand that there’s a senior’s group at the church I started going to with DN (her family’s church).  I will ask about that, BIL is giving me a ride Sunday (DN will still be at BF’s house) There are other churches in the area that have groups, but I’d rather at least start with this one and see how it goes.

Last night I made a list of things I want to get done over the weekend.  I don’t want to fall into the habit of just sitting here by myself.  As long as the weather stays decent, I need to push myself to get outside at least some.  And clearly this place won’t get any cleaning unless I do it (DN *says* she will .. and then says her day to do her chores is Sunday.  And she’s not here on Sunday).  Anyway, even though it’s frustrating when I can’t see, I’d still rather make the effort myself than have it done by someone who doesn’t even think anything needs to be done to start with).

Last night my SIL called and we had a nice long chat.  I still managed to check several things off my list before 9:00 … at that point I stopped to watch TV until I fell asleep.

Some one woke me around 3:00.  It didn’t sound so noisy upstairs; but there was loud voices and then a car horn (like an theft guard) going off.  I was wide awake, so  got up and got a hot dog to eat.  Probably not the best choice, but it just seemed easiest.  Then I slept later this morning; but that’s OK. 

I still have over an hour before my “scheduled” time to start on something; but I believe I’ll go get the kitchen cleaned first, and maybe even go on with dusting and vacuuming before I get in the shower. 

Actually, I think first I’ll just go cook some breakfast for myself.  Then I’ll get started on something.

Day 35

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 35

Frisday, September 26, 2014

Yesterday was a mostly stay-in-room-quietly kind of day.  It was not as chilly and rainy; but it still was a bit sprinkly, and very gray.  It wa also still a bit on the cool side, but not terrible.  I really just didn’t want to do anything much.  Contrary to what anyone may think, I was not “hung over”.  I was just very sad. Many times during the day it ran through my mind that I just wanted to go home.  I want my husband back, my home as crappy as it was, all my flea bag cats, and my ratty overgrown yard.

DN was in a “conciliatory” mood, which always happens after she’s been mad about something.  I “stood up” to her, refused to go along with a plan that did not work for me.  Didn’t matter, she got mad anyway.

While she was gone to the library in the morning I got showered and dressed; and I finished dealing with the few small items left in my room.  There is still a corner of clutter, but it’s contained.  The majority is fabric, and a few other things … but I know what they are and where.

DN came back with a salad and a coke  as a peace offering.  I was not “not speaking” or anything  I just didn’t feel like doing anything but sitting here rocking.  Maggie napped with me off and on during the day, so it was just that kind of day.

In the afternoon DS picked up DN and took her to a doctor’s appointment.  While they were gone I pushed myself to get up briefly.  I did pull a large container (upright laundry basket) out of the front closet, sort through it, and put it with the things to go to storage with some overflow items.  I put laundry items in the linen closet.  It’s not a complete overhaul of the front closet, but it’s much better; what’s in there can be accessed now.  I may eventually want to pull everything out; but that is much less important than the other closets now.

When DN got home she was not, as she had predicted, in a bad mood.  She was not only in a good mood, she was extremely *helpful* (that’s not quite the right word but the best I can come up with right now).   She fixed supper (although we had left overs .. but that had been my suggestion because there were things that we needed to either finish or get rid of); she made a point of putting the TV on the channel with the programs I like (and again, my choice, I opted for my room for evening shows just because as limited as my vision is, I can come closer to telling what’s going on with my TV that sits so much closer to me.)

She even said “good night” … something she almost never does.

She brought me a bottle of wine, which I strongly suspect she had “help” with! LOL!  And hopefully I thanked appropriately. J

I’m not stupid enough to think it will always go smoothly.  But she likes the new doctor, which is a huge part of the equasion.   She got started right away on a new medicine, so maybe .. in time .. that will help too.  And she has a job interview at a store she would love.  Hopefully the new medicine plus working with a doctor she will cooperate with will keep her mood/attitude level enough to keep a job once she gets one.

I know there are some who have doubts that anything will change.  But I choose to be optimistic.  I am locked into the lease here for the next 11 months, so I have no choice but survive.  And since I don’t want to spend that time sitting in my room crying and depressed to near suicidal, I just HAVE to believe it will get better; and at the very least we can find a way to co-exist peacefully.

Today  I am going to go do a load of laundry … if I do it twice a week (not as often as I used to do it at home … I absolutely hate for dirty laundry and damp towels to pile up!) I at least only have to deal with manageable loads.  Later today I have to go to the bank.  I’d rather go alone, but I doubt I’ll get to.  While I know DN means well … and at times really is trying to be helpful … we will have to have a talk about the difference between helpful and controlling or over protective. I need to learn how to do things on my own, not have someone “guarding” me all the time.  And, ironically, it’s OK to go to BF’s house and let me stay here alone all weekend!

I don’t know what I’ll do over the weekend.  It’s supposed to be warmer again, so I will get out, even if it’s only to walk around the courtyard. I might go by the library to see if someone is there to help me download the software for audible books on my kindle.  But then, I might wait until a week day to do that. 

It’s getting “late” and I need to go on and get started at least on the laundry.   And then I will figure out what the rest of the day will hold. 

I sure do hope I hear from the Blind Society social group soon.  I really need some adult company sometimes, and it would be good to meet eople that I have something in common with!