Day 42

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 42

Sunday, October 5,  2014

Well, I blew it.  I had a good weekend.  DN had (I think) a good weekend.  We had a good supper.  And I messed up.

I got some sort of package in the mail.  DN said it looked like a bunch of mail had been “lost” and redelivered in one envelope.  It turned out it was all one package, but it had been damaged.  I had no idea what it all was, and handed it to her just wanting to know who it was from.

It’s from the library, and she started reading some of it.  She was saying about how to mail the books back.  I stupidly pointed out that the library was closer than the mail box (it is!).  And she said NO, it says to mail them (tape books) back.  And then I blew it.  I got sarcastic.  I said of course I would not dare vary even one teeny tiny bit from what was carved in stone on that piece of paper.  Big mistake.  HUGE mistake.  All of a sudden she started screaming at me ..  I’m not even sure what she said.  It startled me, and I said “whoa, where did that come from” … well, obviously, it was all my fault for arguing with her because clearly one must never ever deviate from what that paper said, not even to so much as ask a question.  She told me not to ever bother asking her to help me with anything because she won’t have anything to do with me.  I asked why she was so mad … about that time her phone rang, and she was walking out the door to go outside and talk, and screamed at me that I am a “fucking moron”.

When she came in later, she turned off the TV and went in her room with the door shut.  I knocked on the door, and told her “I apologize for making you mad.  I apologize for imposing on you and promise I won’t do it again.  But do not EVER talk to me that way again.”   She said nothing, just shut the door. 

OK, it’s all my fault.  Everything is always all my fault.  She can say and do and act anyway in the world and it’s OK, but I’m the one who always has to watch what I say and do.  And I do hope no one decides to call her on this .. because it will only make her scream at me more.

This was just weird.  I thought she was doing better with the new medicine, so this just came out of “left field”, and makes me wonder if that new med is doing anything or it just happens she’s had a good week. She goes back to the doctor tomorrow.  I wonder if she’ll tell about tonight’s blow up?  Or will it not exist because it was, after all, all MY fault and she, as usual, “did nothing wrong”.

On Saturday DS/DIL came and got me around noon.  Other than a stop at a JoAnns, we went to a school where we sat through an entire day of high school marching band competition.  It was hot until the sun went down .. then it got very cold.  But I enjoyed all of it anyway.  I was pleased that the band my DGD16 is in got a 3^rd place for musicality.  They were competing agains some much more experienced bands.  At the very end was a performance by a major university band, which was most excellent!  I’ve always loved marching bands .. so with my limited vision, a band competition is a fantastic thing to get to go to.  I’m hoping to get a video; will have to mail a check to DS to order it.

I didn’t get home until nearly 11:00.  Then I got woke up about 4:00 by someone pounding on a door.  I don’t know what’s up with those people .. seems like every weekend someone (apparently) gets locked out.  It took awhile to get back to sleep, and then I didn’t wake up until 7:30 … and my ride to church was coming at 8:00!!  I managed to be ready, and get a cup of coffee; but nothing else. 

I went to the early service, then to Sunday school (the DN who works there found someone to “escort” me to the right place .. turns out several people there were ladies I met at the senior’s meeting).  After that I went to the later service .. a bit silly I guess, since it was nearly identical.  But being surrounded by people, even if I didn’t know them, seemed so much better than being home alone.  (although right now, I think I’d prefer alone). 

I spent most of the afternoon listening to a book.  It’s a strange book; not sure it’s something I would have picked for myself.  But it’s all I have (unless I want to listen to a book about training my dog).

Now it’s Sunday evening.  It’s not really late.  I feel like I want to just sit here and cry for a year or two.  I just don’t know how I’m supposed to go on like this.  I can make all the friends in the world; but in the end, I have to come back home and never know how I’m going to be treated.  It’s a very lonely feeling sometimes.

I know there are people who say “pick up the phone”.  And I know they mean it.  But after all, if it’s all my fault anyway, and I start calling people just to whine .. how does that make me any better?  So I just say what I feel here .. and no one is required to read.  I won’t apologize for saying what I feel here; but I won’t impose my thoughts and feelings on anyone else.

Tomorrow will be better.