Day 45

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 45

wEDNESday, October 8,  2014

I feel like I’ve been swallowed whole by sadness.  I just can’t seem to shake it.

Monday was not a *bad* day.  I spent the majority of the morning just sitting here in my room with the morning TV shows.  DN had as little as possible to do with me; but she respected my shut door, and was civil when she did speak.  Around noon I got dressed, told her I’d be going out soon … and when I was ready, I left (and forgot my phone).  I walked up to the bank and took care of what I needed to do there.  I walked over to the library .. and the kind lady there said it wa fine to bring the tap books there.  They don’t have any, but will gladly put them in their mail.  She also gave me the number to call my “contact” so I can discuss what books I would like to be sent.  Also, she took me over to the CD books and helped me pick out some.  (which was silly on 2 levels .. first, I don’t even have a CD player except the big record player which I not only don’t know how to work, it sits on the far side of my room because I haven’t figured out something better yet; and also because DN (chef) had actually given me a list of suggestions that I completely forgot I had!)  From the library I went to Chik for a sandwich and a iced coffee; and then on to the drug store.  I wanted to get a small (personal, portable) CD player, but they were out.    I got a funny Halloween decoration for the back door; I got some toilet bowl cleaner and a brush (because it was making me uncomfortable that it was so nasty and all I could find was a “wand” and no attachments;  some people don’t seem to be aware that not flushing makes the bowl get gross .. brown and very germy);  I got another remote too, but will wait and see if my BIL can program it (since I’m not to ever ask DN to help me and I told her I wouldn’t impose on her any more). 

I came on back then.  I put the decoration on the door.  I cleaned the toilet.  I hung up a few pictures (ran out of hooks except super size ones … but the majority of what needs hung is on the outer cement walls anyway). 

After all that, I finally sat and rested.  I don’t know if I “over did” or it was just from still feeling weepy; but I really didn’t feel good at all.  I felt vaguely queasy and very headachy.

When DN got home she popped in and out of my room several times to tell me stuff.  She fixed barbecued chicken strips for supper.  I am somewhat tired of chicken strips .. but she keeps buying bags of them in different “flavors”.  And I don’t especially care for barbecue; but then, I don’t get consulted on that. 

I did tell her at one point I didn’t feel good, so she pretty much left me alone.  She stayed in her room, I in mine.

Sometimes I think we should discuss this whole cooking/dinner thing.  But I’m quickly learning, I don’t discuss things with DN.  If I dare disagree with her in any way, she  gets mad. I’ve always hated confrontations of any kind .. and now,  when my life already has been so stressful lately, I’m trapped into exactly that.  I was told to “stand up for myself” .. but that doesn’t work.  I have no leverage (as in putting her out of a car or out of the house or whatever).  I have nowhere to go and I’m tied into a lease here. 

Her parents are to come to supper tonight and then finish hanging things on the outer walls.  (mainly because she wants the white board up, doesn’t really care that much about anything else.  Maybe except the living room curtain rod since I pointed out that there’s no way to put up the Halloween lights she wanted so much without that rod to hang them from).  Anyway.  She *told* me she had invited them to supper.  OK, I have no problem with that; in fact, I’m happy for them to come.  We’d talked about doing that.  But.  We did not “discuss” it.  She did not say “how about I ask them to supper” or anything.  She TOLD me she was going to ask her dad to come put up her white board.  And then she TOLD me she had invited them to supper.  She absolutely does not get the concept of doing things together except wanting to insist that I go with her when she has decided we need to do something.

Today is supposed to be grocery day.  She told me she got a friend to take us because we need water.  That’s fine I guess.  But her friend *might* take us at 10:00.  Or she *might* not get up in time and then won’t be available until 4:00 (and isn’t that cutting it a bit close with her parents coming?).  So I’m expected to be “ready” by 10:00 just in case.  So my thinking .. which I’m sure she will not agree with … is that I give her the money (EBT card ran out of course.  We did not expect it to last the month.  But I will be glad when she has income so she’s not using the EBT card for all the snack stuff she keeps getting … I’m spending my own money for my things) and she and her friend can do the shopping.  I see no need in my going along (she even said I could sit in Starbucks while they shop); I won’t be consulted on what they get.  But if I go along I’d be expected to just pay whatever the bill comes to.  If I give her the cash, she has to stick to that.  It’s only about a week and a day until her card is reloaded; but it’s been out over a week, and I’ve already put most of what I budgeted into groceries.  My payday will come earlier this month (and have to last 5 weeks next month) … I think I’ll just give her my share and let her know that’s what we have for the whole month.  My “share” is more than her contribution in addition to having to buy my own personal things (like coke or whatever).  I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.  I am on a budget too, and I can’t make it stretch farther just because it’s more than she has to start with.  I pay more than my share already (and if I have it, I don’t mind; but I’m not willing to risk not being able to cover my own expenses, like insurance and storage).

I was nearly asleep last night when the phone rang at 11:00.  DN didn’t get up for it (if she doesn’t recognize a number she refuses to answer  .. even though I pointed out that if she would *tell* someone they’ve got the wrong number they’d quit calling!) … she may have been asleep and not even heard it.  But a phone ringing late is startling to say the least, so I answered.  It was a wrong number of course.  But it didn’t hurt me at all to tell them so politely.  Then I had to get back to sleep.  I woke somewhere around 2:30ish I think.  I have no idea why … can’t pinpoint anything in particular that woke me.  But I had a hard time getting back to sleep by then.  I wasn’t “awake” .. didn’t want to get up.  I felt tired and grorry.  But sleep took a long time.  I didn’t wake until after 7:00.

It’s now after 8:00 … and once again, I have no internet connection.  I’m totally NOT thrilled with Time Warner.  Hopefully in a few minutes I can just start the computer over and will have connection.  But it’s soon time to go on and get a shower.  Or not.  I think it would make more sense for me to stay here, get some cleaning done (doesn’t need a lot, was cleaned Thursday),  get thing neat where access will be needed to hang things (like curtain rods), and get a load of laundry done.  I’ve tried to make a point of doing it Tuesday and Friday so it doesn’t get overwhelming … and today I can get by with just one load.  And I see no reason for me to ride along just to sit and wait.   

For now, just saving and getting eye drops, and then will try again to connect.

ly get internet back.

It’s now Wednesday morning.  I did not have internet all day yesterday.  DN called TW, was told the problem is the modem and they made an appointment to come out this afternoon.  DN went on off with her friend until late in the afternoon.

I dusted, dust mopped, cleaned the kitchen, swept and moped the kitchen, cleaned, swept and mopped the bathroom.  Then I took a couple of loads of laundry down, including all the bathmats.  In between washing and drying I took the bag of trash down (DN and her friend took the recycling, including all the flattened boxes).

DS/BIL came in the early evening to put up a few more things (on cement walls), and have supper.  After supper DN went home with them.  Before they left, BIL reset the modem … restored internet.

I had a quiet evening here by myself .. which wasn’t actually that different from most evenings here in my room. J Again, though, I woke too early.  For a long time I had gotten ast that I thought.  Guess not.