One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2
Day 75
Friday November 7, 2014
I have not felt like writing for awhile now. When I originally started this blog, I
certainly had no idea of the direction it would take in only a year and a half. I probably should have made the blog private;
but because I never actually told anyone about it, I didn’t bother. As it turned out, it was sort of accidently
discovered; and then shared. Since it
wasn’t “private”, I didn’t object. So
can you imagine how disturbing it was to begin to get negative feedback and
critical comments. Not from everyone, of
course. But any at all is a
problem. It means I’m being told that I’m
not supposed to ever tell anyone how I feel.
I’m supposed to only be all sunshine and rainbows, a regular
Pollyanna. Well, I have a newsletter for
that. It is a desperately lonely existence
to feel like no matter what happens, no one cares; they don’t want to hear
about it. I realize that in general,
when someone says “how are you?”, they don’t want an honest answer; they want
you to say “fine”. And the majority of
the time I do that, because I do understand that people don’t care. But there are some people that *should*
care … not everyone … and I wonder if
there’s an element of guilt involved; some people (again, I emphasize, not all)
want to believe everything really is “fine” so there’s no guilt when they go on
about their busy and interesting lives with no thoughts of me at all.
So, that is my convoluted explanation why I just won’t
bother to write very often. Here is a
brief update on what’s been going on in my tiny little wordl.
Three weeks ago I went to my 50th high school
class reunion. One lady .. someone I
knew by name only in HS … gave me a ride downtown where we took the bus tour of
the city (with classmates who have lived and worked here all their lives gave a
running commentary on what has and hasn’t changed). Then we went to one of the nicer parks for a
catered picnic. During the afternoon
there was a school tour; but I decided not to do that, as I knew I’d be too
tired to enjoy the evening. I took a nap
instead. Another lady .. one I’ve known
since 2nd grade (although we did not run in the same circles) gave me
a ride to the (very fancy elegant) dinner.
She was extremely kind, and made sure I was not left standing alone
anywhere. After a bit of roaming and
meeting people (and it’s really funny how many people claimed to “remember” me,
although in 3 years of HS they never spoke a word to me!). They found a table with 3 seats so I didn’t
have to just stand around and she was free to roam. Her husband brought me a glass of wine. When it came time for dinner, she was very
careful to take me through the line, tell me what each item was, and serve a
plate for me. Oh my! It was way too much most excellent food! The dessert table had many varieties of mini
tarts. She selected a plateful of
different ones (and at the end of the evening insisted on wrapping up the ones
left for me to take home).
After the evening, though I did make an effort, I have not
remained in touch with anyone.That’s not a surprise. Merely having graduated together does not
automatically mean we have anything in common.
Two weeks ago I had a nice long weekend with my son and his
family. My DIL drove up on Wednesday
evening. On Thursday afternoon we went
back to their home. Friday night was the
HS homecoming football game .. DGD16 is in the marching band (although they
didn’t perform since the half time was for the homecoming court). I loved listening to the band! On Saturday morning DGS13 had a soccer game,
which they won. On Sunday afternoon they
had another playoff game. Sadly, they
lost that one; but it was close and they played well. On Monday DIL and I came
back here. She left very early Tuesday
morning for a doctor appointment. She
spent Tuesday night in a hotel (partly due to still waiting on information as
to whether she needed to come back the next day). She came back here Wednesday.
Wednesday night she went with DN and I to the church
supper. It was their Halloween night, so
there were dozens (maybe hundreds?) of costumes! We had pizza, and played some bingo (I
actually won a game!! I do not normally
win stuff, so that was exciting).
The next day, Thursday, she headed home. However, she did wait until afternoon. I had
planned to go to a senior’s group meeting; but at the last minute a lady called
who is the low-vision specialist I had been waiting to hear from. She wanted to come over, so I didn’t go to
the meeting. My DIL stayed while the
lady came. After going through many
different magnifiers, she settled on a very strong one that seemed to work the
best. In the end, she ended up promising
me several different “goodies”; but I have to wait for them to be ordered. She said she would try to get the order in
with time for me to have things by Thanksgiving (which is still another 3 weeks
off).
That Friday was Halloween, though of course there were no
little trick-or-treaters here. The
weekend was what is more normal for me … very quiet and alone. DN spends most weekends with her
boyfriend. I have mixed feelings there …
yes, a lot of the time I feel lonely.
But I do not feel “less lonely” if she’s at home … just more
stressed. I’m always afraid I’m going to
say or do something to spark an “eisode”. So I try to mostly just stay in my room.
My room is nice. It’s
huge, and I love my big bright window.
It’s still a bit of a work-in-progress, but I’m ever closer to having it
neat and organized, and the things I love most or need most easily accessible.
I did not get to go to church on Sunday. A marathon had the street (which includes
entrance to the parking lot) closed for 2 hours. And as it turned out, my usual ride wasn’t
available anyway. So, again, a quiet
weekend .. which except for Sunday morning is
pretty much usual.
On Monday a man from the blind society (no, wait, that
should be “Blind Society” .. it’s their name, not a description!!) came
out. He will be my counselor (hereafter
referred to as LS), and we spent over 2 hours going over various
paperwork. At first it looked like I don’t
even qualify for assistance … my income seems to be right on the edge. But he did some calculations, including
expenses for health insurance and such … and yes, I do qualify. I signed 4 or 5 forms officially requesting
various aids or services … I don’t even remember everything. It is quite astonishing what is available
(but only in this country, in this city .. most others don’t have the funding
for so much help). I don’t know how long
I have to wait for anything; I do know
the classes they have for technical assistance isn’t until March. So, I wait and see what happens. One thing LS did, though, is put me in
contact with a lady he thought I’d get along with. I’ve talked to her briefly (she was on the
way somewhere), but she said she’d call me later. So, I wait.
All those events are out of the ordinary. My days are in somewhat of a routine
now. DN leaves for work around
8:40. I wake up when she gets up (usually
I’m already awake), and turn my TV on for morning news. I turn on the computer and do the newsletter.
After she leaves, I get coffee and do up any dishes (usually
from supper and her breakfast. I’ve told
her I don’t mind doing that when she’s working … but don’t ever fix herself
something to eat and then wallow on the sofa in fromt of the TV and leave me
her dishes!).
I check email, occasionally check other blogs (only family
ones, to see …as best I can … pictures).
Occasionally I have email to answer, but not often. (except one dear
faithful BFF).
My mornings are organized by “Kelly and Michael” … “Rachel” …
“Price Is Right” … noon news … “The Chew”.
For a long time that was followed by “The Talk” … “Let’s Make A Deal” and “Ellen”.
I’ve begun turning the sound off for those and listening to a book. Of all the options I have, the CDs from the
library are not working out well. My
portable CD player doesn’t seem to have a “pause” option. But, I can get a couple of books a montn on
my Kindle. And the tape player from the
Library for the Blind is working out well …
although I will need to call them to see if I can request specific books
or authors. So far I’m just getting
random selections … some of which are good, some not so much. The player is the easiest of all my options
to use … giant buttons, plus every button speaks it’s function!
Not every day follows that exact routine, but most do. Some days I walk to the bank or the library
(usually both on the same day because they’re across the street from each
other). I can walk to the drug store;
and if I feel really ambitious, all the way to the grocery store.
Note: I have learned that the best thing for me to do is buy
my own “stash” of the things I want … my coffee, snacks, lunch and even some
breakfast items. DN does try, but she is
not at all good at managing the grocery budget; and she doesn’t really
comprehend buegeting as far as I can tell.
Plus she does a lot of impulse shopping. Sometimes she brings things
home that she says she got for me … but she doesn’t ask me first, and it’s sort
of hit or miss whether she got something I actually like or would eat. I worked out a weekly food budget … but she
rejected it because she said she didn’t understand the math).
There are also days I have to wlak down to the laundry
room. I try to match doing laundry with
taking trash to the dumpster, but trash fills more often than the laundry
basket!
On Wednesday nights we go to church for supper and whatever
the program is each week. I’ve resigned
myself to paying for DN … she always says she has no money; but her newest idea is to go with me and sit
and watch me eat and say how good it looks.
So I revised my
budget .. had to figure out what to cut out … so I can pay for both of us
because I don’t want to give it up.
On (most) Thursdays I go to a senior’s meeting. They meet at the church for lunch and a
program of some sort. They also do a lot
of “filed trips”. A lady picks me up and
brings me home; but if she didn’t, I could take a bus since I now know how to
be sure the driver lets me off at the right place.
On Sunday morning another niece picks me up around
8:00. I go to early service, Sunday
school, and regular service. Then she
takes me home.
At some point during the week .. usually weekends, unless
DS/BIL are coming over, I try to get cleaning done. I have long since given up hope of DN
contributing in any way. It’s a matter
of picking my battles .. and it’s a daily one just to pick up general clutter …
such as clear the bathroom counter, or straighten the living room.
Evenings are mostly spent with my TV; and occasionally if
there’s nothing I want to watch, (like election results!) I will listen to a
book. I very rarely watch TV in the
living room. DN prefers the room pitch
dark, which pretty much limits my going in there at all once the sun goes
down. But truthfully, my vision is so limited that I do better with
my big TV that I can sit closer to.
I also keep a running list of “projects”. I am slowly chipping away; and none of them
are “urgent” (although my goal is to have as many as possible done by
Thanksgiving, when some family members will see the apartment for the first
time, or the first time “put together”). I try to tackle a few of the items
each week … but I have found I get more done if I just go with it when I feel
inspired or ambitious and don’t fight it when I’m feeling tired or down or
whatever and want to just sit here and rock.
I rock a lot. I don’t
know why, but that is what helps me cope .. just sit and rock. Watching TV or listening to a book;
occasionally just dozing with Maggie in my lap (though she mostly prefers the
window sill unless it gets cold).
At the moment, there are not many projected plans. I think DN’s boyfriend is coming to supper
tonight. I have no idea if she is going
to his house for the weekend or not.
(she recently “broke up” with him for being too boring .. but she
requires being “entertained” at all times, and he can’t do that. But, they’re “working things out” so I really
have no idea what the status is now).
Sunday is church. My DIL has an
appointment Tuesday afternoon. My son
and the kids are off Monday and Tuesday, so I don’t know yet what their
schedule will be .. may or may not come Monday night (but I suspect not,
although it will make a very long exhausting day for DIL). The kids get to stay with me Tuesday while
parents go on to the appointment. That
will be a first, and I hope they won’t be bored. At 16 and 13, I don’t know how to “entertain”
them other than maybe walk up to McD for lunch.
The Wednesday night program is a series .. leading up to
Thanksgiving .. on gratitude. That’s a
tough one, but I’m working on it. I have to figure out how to get past so much
sadness, frustration, loneliness, discouragemtnt, resentment, and depression.
On Thursday the senior group is going on a tour of a
Salvation Army facility (can’t really say that sounds exciting! LOL) and then
to Olive Garden for lunch. That’s a bit
out of my budget, but I will tighten somewhere else.
Other than possibly hearing from LS about anything, the next
few weeks just repeat the same pattern (except senior group won’t have field
trips every week of course).
I have taken up a huge chunk of this morning updating .. don’t
expect it again any time soon! J
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