Day 183

Day 183
Monday November 25, 2013
Physical:
It was actually not a good day, but I can't quite put my finger on what was "wrong".  DH's mind seems to have taken another turn that I can't quite follow.  He's never been able to accept (no, I guess "realize" is a closer word) that he can't just get up and walk.  But he's getting more agitated about it, and edging on getting haateful. Actually, last night, around midnight, he really was nasty to me.  That's not happened before.  And just knowing it's something in his mind that he can't control does not make it any easier to take - especially in the middle of the night when I'm already tired.
One minor "accomplishment", for the last couple of days he's managed to eat without dropping food on the floor or bed.
People:
It was a little busy in spurts; but spending all day *waiting* is frustrating.  The CNA came around 1:00 or so .. and her visit overlapped with the social worker.  Although her (S/W) visit was  more like a friend dropping by than a "professional" check in, it still didn't leave me feeling as comforted as before.
The supply truck came too, but not until so late in the afternoon that it was getting dark.
Emotions:
I feel ragged this morning.  The last two nights, for different reasons, have been too short and stressful.  On top of everything else, last night the power went out.  The entire neighborhood was dark for about 10 to 15 minutes.  And when it came back on .. after I reset the cycler .. I realized we had no water.  I can cope, up to a point, for a short time.  But I have 16 guests coming for Thanksgiving in 2 days .. I have laundry to do, dishes in the sink.  Not to mention everyday things like aSHOWER!!
DH has his monthly appointment at the dialysis clinic, and I'm dreading that.  Not only is it hard to get him in and out of the car, the weather forecast is for rain .. a lot of rain.  At least it won't be freezing cold.  
I know it's not "logical" to expect someone to be here all the time.  I don't even WANT someone here that much.  And yet so much time I sit here I feel so alone.  I can't leave, and yet he's no longer hwere "with" me.  We can't even carry on conversations any more.
I feel like maybe I wanted to say more .. but he's "rattling his cage", so I need to go get him up and dressed for his appointment today.