Day 16

One NEW Day At A Time

Day 16

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Yesterday was a horrible day.  It started nicely enough, with the cable guy setting up my TV.   But after he left, it went downhill.  I made the mistake of wondering if TGF was going to be able to get here in the afternoon … why is it that it is ALWAYS *my* mistake?  I can’t live like this.  I’m lonlier than I was the last few months with DH.  At least I could talk to him.  Now I can’t say a word at all for fear of accidently saying the wrong thing.

DN flew into a rage; and when I asked her (and I did NOT raise my voice) to leave it alone, stop meddling in something that was none of her business … she screamed and cussed at me.  (the cussing didn’t bother me .. I’ve been known to have potty-mouth when made enough … but I can’t tolerate being screaming at by a 3 year old brat).

I’m trying very hard to cope.  I have a lot to deal with already.  I resent that now that I’m old and going blind, suddenly I’m worthless.  She’s allowed to hahave as badly as she pleases, and I’m told “well you know how she is” or “you should have know she would be like that” and I’m supposed to be OK with it.

And right now .. for the record .. if anyone doesn’t like anything I say … just don’t bother to read this blog!!  I’m fast learning that I’m not allowed to talk at all; but I will not be told I can’t write out my feelings.

After DN left for the day, I got busy.  I unpacked a few more boxes, and rearranged some things.  I cleaned the entire apartment .. dusting, vacuuming, mopping.  It’s a bit of a waste of time if I’m the only one who cares;  and not what the “agreement” was supposed to be.  However, I’m also realizing that an “agreement” is only to make sure I pay my share .. other terms in it have already been totally disregarded.

Anyway, the cleaning was done, and it did (and for now does) look nice.

Late in the afternoon DN called … and *informed* me what she was going to do even though I told her it was already being done.  I ended up hanging up on her … she wasn’t listening to me anyway, and I’d already had enough of being screamed at. 

It was just after dark before TGF got here (they’d already had to take 2 loads to their house, and have to go back today to finish).  She had everything she was supposed to have except some of the outside plants … she will take them to her house (and try to keep them alive .. though all she has to do is leave them where they get rained on) and bring them later.  We got everything to storage, and I retrieved a couple of things.  She took home with her the boxes I had saved for her, so at least some of the excess clutter is gone.  But there wasn’t time to take any of the extra stuff her to storage.  I’ll have to wait until next weekend when my DIL can take me over.

One of the things I did yesterday was go through a lot of pictures again.  It is totally breaking my heart, but the majority are in boxes to go back to storage.  This is in addition to more than half that were put in storage to begin with.    I will have as many of my personal (family) pictures as I can cram into my room at least.

I got more of my floor space cleared (some of the piled up stuff was the pictures).  Today I’m going to just rest and try to enjoy the clean apartment .. and the peace for however long it lasts.

At some point, if I survive thisturmoil, I have to find someone who can actually help me with some things.  DN is trying to help … but only to the degree she understands.  And she’d rather try to control me than teach me.  I’m not allowed to have the internet password, even though I’m expected to help pay for it … apparently she assumes I will just hand it out to everyone I meet, which I find extremely insulting.  She clearly doesn’t think MY son has any right to have internet access when he comes here.   (she won’t even put it on my Kindle .. says she will, but not until she’s good and ready and nevermind how I feel about that).  She keeps going on about bus schedules, but we’ve yet to ride a bus (though I have a pass .. and offered to pay half her fare when she’s helping me learn the bus routes).  I can’t *learn* anything if she insists on Telling me we’ll do this or that.  I’d like the numbers of the busses I would need to be written on a chart I can see … for whatever reason, she either doesn’t understand that or doesn’t want me to have that.  I seriously hope I’m not going to be expected to just stay here and clean all day when she goes to work!!!  I’ve been looking forward to more independence.  Perhaps today is the day for that.  I have no clue when DN will be home, so I don’t know what her plans are for today.  I can’t take anything out of the freezer because I don’t know for sure what she wants or where it is.

I don’t know how hot it is supposed to be; but if I go on and get showered and dressed, I can go out and enjoy the cool morning.  Or maybe I’ll take my time and go treat myself to lunch somewhere.  I don’t know what I’ll do, but I do believe I’ll get outside and make a start on reclaiming some independence.