Day 12

This was, in a lot of ways, a bit of a wonky day.  But, if I can overlook my stress and frustration (which I admit it hard to do), it wasn’t really too bad a day.  I totally think the kids being here was good for Jimmy.  It didn’t really keep him from wanting to go back and lay down too much of the day; but at least he seemed more “with us” when he was up.  During the afternoon we played a card game.  Alex played partners with grandpa, and we tried to draw him in.  He’s never been much interested in games anyway, and I think he found it very hard to keep his mind on the game.  It didn’t help that the TV was on .. on a news channel  (for some reason no one was willing to turn it off).  Still, we were at least all together, and tried to include him in the conversation (although, honestly, he’s never managed to grasp what’s so funny when the rest of us get fits of giggles over some silliness).

Brent and Cindy – at various times, separately and together – asked me some hard questions.  Some things I’ve given vague fleeting thought to; others, a bit more.

What is the starting point?  Jimmy has consistently refused to discuss such things as final arrangements.  So evidently it’s up to me to make decisions for him as well as for myself.  I’m really, really tired of having ALL the responsibility piled on me.  (I have sympathy for my brother, who had all the responsibility for my parents dumped on him.  But in self-defense, I have to say that tough he saw them pretty nearly daily, and was always there for what they needed – he did not have to care for them 24/7, and had his own home to retreat to.  And I’m willing to bet and he my SIL have taken care of their own arrangements, rather than refuse to acknowledge it will ever need to be done.)

I cannot worry about what will happen to me, where (how?) will I live “later”.  (I know my parents tried their best to leave me provided for, as well as some retirement.  But massive hospital bills, doctor bills, dialysis bills, and meds take precedence unfortunately for me).  Things will work out.

For now, I have to figure out what I need to do.   I did look up funeral homes online.  There’s one “main” one in town, that all of the family seems to use.  I sent an email request for “pre-arrangement” information to be sent.  I guess that’s my starting point (for both of us).

I started this “the morning after” again … Well, today got away from me, as usual.  For DH, it was not a bad day, other than the bath.  He used up a whole tank of hot water, and said he’d have to go back later to finish washing.  Of course that didn’t happen.

My DIL has offered to help me struggle through the hassle of “making arrangements”.  I SO appreciate her!  She also said her parents are going through the process too, and she’d ask them for advice.  That will be very helpful!

Tonight, DSS and crew came over, instead of last night.  They come here for dinner (shared .. but always shared more heavily on my side), to do dishes, the boys to get showers.  I understand the “why” of it (but that’s a story for another place).  But it gets on my nerves, some times more than others.  I want the house to look nice tomorrow when the lady (nurse? Social worker?  No idea!) comes in the morning.  Night is not a good time for me, I’m tired and stressed, plus my vision is even harder to cope with when it’s dark. Plus I have to get Jimmy settled.  So, I have to be able to get to sleep so I can get up early enough to get a lot of things done before 10:00.  But I have to wait for them to get done and gone.    Jimmy does perk up more when Carl is here, so I’m just keeping to myself in “my” room.  As soon as they leave, I’ll have to get Jimmy hooked up so he’ll be done before the lady gets here.