Day 50

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 50

Monday, October 13,  2014

I originally started this blog as a way to track my husband’s rogress through trying to get him into a hospice program, and then following the rest of his life.  After he died, I start numbering over the days alone.  When I moved, I started again to number the days in my new life.

I’ve been here 50 days.    I don’t anticipate any major changes in my life now.  And, I’ve quite often received negative feedback for writing what I’m feeling.    Considering that it’s getting so much harder to even write, I’ve decided there’s no point in continuing.

If there are any “major” changes in my life I will post.  Otherwise, this blog will remain silent.

More Day 49

...I was running a little late for church, so now is the continuation.

After the picnic there was a tour of the school.  At the last minute I decided to pass on that.  I just wasn't at all sure my energy level would hold up!  So I came on back to the apartment, put my feet up and took a nap!
I still had plenty of time to get ready for the evening.   But, after I was all ready . with about 20 minutes to go ... I was so hot I couldn't stand it!  So at the last second I changed my mind about what to wear.    Instead of the pretty blue dress, I wore black p=culottes, a bronzy satin "shell", and a think purle print blousy type jacket.  It turned out either one would have been fine, there was a huge variety of fashion there.  But I was comfortable!
My ride picked me up about 6:10 I think.  She was a girl I've known since 2nd grade, although never "close" friends, and her husband.  by the time they got here it was raining pretty hard, and he walked up to the door (I was waiting on the tiny covered "porch") with an umbrella.  Very gentlemanly! :)
The supper was held at the country club .. very elegant place.  I've certainly never been there before, I am not in *that* social circle!  I would have been lost; but my friend stayed right by my side most of the time.  She made a point of finding a table with room for 3 (and turned out someone else had saved us seats at a table).  We walked around a bit, and I was amazed and the people I met who claimed to "remember" me! LOL!!  These are peopple who never once even spoke to me in 3 years of high school  (and a few of them even go back as far as 1stfirst grade!)  But there were also people I did know, and was delighted to see .. a few had never been to any of the other reunions.  There was a girl whose family and our had been friends, often had supper at each other's homes.  There were several of "mama's girls" ... ladies who had gone through 11 years of scouting with mama as troop (or ship) leader.  I often found myself wanting to tell mama I saw this person or that, and having to remember that I couldn't.
When I got to the point that I felt I might get too wobbly or achy if I stood any longer, I went on and sat at the table.  It was quite interesting listening to some of the conversations swirling around me!   From time to time someone would come up and talk a minute; and occasionally my friend would come back bringing someone to say hello.  She was very good at making sure I didn't feel "alone" even though I was.   Her husband brought me a glass of wine.
When it was time to eat, she made sure to go with me, help identify the various items (there was a LOT of food .. as there should have been for that price!).  We got a little of everything.  It was all excellent, though I couldn't eat it all (and she finished hers .. and is totally skinny.  there is no justice! LOL).  On the desert table they had a variety of tiny   (bite size) tarts.  She got several, and later on I did try one.  When we left there were about 3 left on the plate, which she inissted on wrapping up for me to bring home.
After the food part, there were a few announcements, which were hard to hear because the conversations continued.  Then they played music, mostly from 50 years ago!  I enjoyed that.  I suspect the braver souls were dancing; but I was too far away, andd behind standing crowds, to tell.
It was pretty late . for us old folks .. when we left.  I was so exhausted!

I really had a good time.  I know I'm highly unlikely to see or hear from many .. if any at all ... of these classmates.  If I wasn't "close" before, I'm not suddenly going to be now.    That's kind of sad; but it's just the way things are.

At church today many people spoke.  A few more that I hadn't met introduced themselves.  I'm beginning to have a sense of belonging, which is nice.  I feel like I should have something to contribute.  Eventually I will.
For now, I think maybe I'm just still in "healing" mode.    I spend a lot of time in my room, just rocking .. either listening to TV or to a book.  At some point I will be ready to move on.  
Most of the new friends I''ve made at church do not know it's only been 6 months since I lost my husband.  It's not come up, and no reason why it should.  I'm trying to move on and not looking for a pity party.  In my age range, I'm far from the only widow!!  And while they realize I'm vision impaired, they're  letting me retain enough dignity to find my own way .. and always someone available if I need to ask for help.  

DN won't be home today.  It's too damp (not raining hard but sprinkly) and chilly to go anywhere else.  So I guess today I'll just continue listening to my odd book.

Day 49

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 49

Sunday, October 12,  2014

Friday was a fairly quiet “ordinary” day.  I did walk up and get a manicure and pedicure.  Then I walked over to the bank.  And walked on home after that.  I pretty much spent the rest of the day doing nothing, just sitting in my room.  I listened to some more of a strange book, watched some tV.

Saturday morning I got up early.  Actually, I woke way too early; but was scared that if I went back to sleep I’d oversleep.  I set my timer for an hour and tried to relax, but sleep was over.  I got up, got showered and dressed.  A friend from high school (actually, a lady I knew by name only back then) and her SO came and picked me up.  The first thing we did was go to downtown.  There is a free bus that only goes through the main downtown area .. and all of the class that wanted the tour met and rode that (took 2 busses).  Two classmates who have remained residents told us about a lot of the things that have changed over the last 50 years.  Even though I couldn’t really see the things they were pointing out, I did remember most of the “landmarks” and enjoyed the tour.

From there we went to the park.  Honestly, I didn’t enjoy that *quite* as much, but still glad I went. 

I’m running out of time before my ride to church … TBC

Day 47

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 47

Friday, October 10,  2014

Yesterday was another half busy and half lazy day.  I woke early, dozed off and on and then went on and got up and got showered and dressed for the day.  I had a ride to the senior’s meeting (GAC), and she came early.  I didn’t mind that, I was ready.  It’s nice to begin to “recognize” people.  The speaker was a sports photographer from the newspaper.  He was interesting to listen to, although the slide show of his hotos .. even though on a giant screen .. were of little interest to me.  Occasionally I could make out something in the image, but for the most part it was light and dark shapes or blobs of color.  I just couldn’t help thinking how much DH would have enjoyed it!  And to top it off, lunch was one of his favorite dishes, Brunswick stew.  I felt sad, and a little down; but at least not weepy.

I was home by 1:30, with nothing else to do.  I guess my sadness manifested itself in drowsiness.  Even Maggie spent most of the afternoon sleeping in my lap.

DS did come by at one point.  (Interesting fact: even though one wall of my room is the stair wall, and I can usually hear people going up and down the stairs, I could not hear her knock at the kitchen door.  We need a doorbell!)   She had brought DN some pants for work, and got us each a sweatshirt.  DN’s has something about candy .. mine has witch’s boots on it! J  Goes well with my witch hat.

She asked about what I am looking for to hold my computer .. (a shop she wants to check out) … but that discussion evolved into my looking for something to organize and contain my growing collection of “listening toys” (Kindle, tape player, CD player).  It turns out she has a dresser stuffed unused into a closet that will fit the space and work perfectly!  Plus, the extra storage space will let me clear off other areas .. which may ultimately help with the where-to-put-the-computer issue.  DN will get BF to bring it here, but can’t be until next weekend.  That’s fine.

DN found a burst of energy or motivation or something, and made up a cheese dip she’d found a recipe for … it is excellent.

In the evening I called the girl who offered me a ride on Saturday morning.  I spoke with her a few minutes; and she will call me Saturday morning to cofirm what time she’s picking me up.  I tried to call SIL to thank her for something she sent in the mail .. but had to leave a message.

And that’s it for my day.

Last night was better.  I woke around 4:00 as seems to be usual; but was able to get right back to sleep.  I didn’t wake until after 7:00.  Today I plan to try to get a mani/pedi … and *maybe* see if the hair salon has time to fit me in for a trim.  I think if I can get my hair a little neater looking I can wear it down (sometimes) and not all pinned up always.  Maybe.  I also need to go by the bank; I can’t remember if I have other errands or not.

DN asked if she can go with me.   I’d rather go alone, but I told her she can as long as she’s aware I’m going places where she might have to just wait.  It’s not yet 9:00 … I’m dressed, she’s not up.  I’ll wait a little, but don’t want to wait too late since I don’t have appointments and don’t know how busy the places will be. 

Either way, it’s time to get off the computer and decide what I’ll do and when

Day 46

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 46

Thursday, October 9,  2014

Once again, I woke too early.  But at least it was after 5:00.  I would have liked to go back to sleep a little longer, but got too restless.  Now, after 7:00, I’m drowsy.   Chanes are needed!

Yesterday was a very quiet day.   The apartment had been cleaned, laundry done.  I did not want to walk to the shopping center since I’ve already done that once this week, and will again on Friday.  So I mostly just rocked and watched TV.  I always turn on the morning news .. I feel a “need” to know what’s going on.  I don’t know why … it’s all politics and terrifying news about ware, disease, and accidents.

I did talk to DB on the phone.  It turns out a hoped for camping trip will not happen (or rather, I will not be going).  But as I had already been offered an alternate plan that weekend … plus the offer of a trip in the spring I really really would love … it’s disappointing but not “crushing”. J   And right now I’m excited enough about Saturday to override other weekends.

DN got home (from helping her mom do some yardwork for BF) early afternoon.  She is still in the “be-nice-to-me” mode that always follows an eruption.  I never know how long it will last … so find it best to just stay in my room most of the time. I have my TV; my computer (though I don’t know how much longer this will be an option .. it’s getting harder and harder to see the screen); and lots of reading options now.  I am meeting other ladies at the church, and hope at some point to make friends enough to have options other than just meetings.  But even if I don’t, at least I have Wednesday night, Thursday lunch, and Sunday morning.

We left here about 5:00.  Again, the bus drive didn’t know where the right street was .. but this time it turned out to be a good thing.  She let us off at the next stop.  It seemed from the bus ride to be a long way .. but the street curved; and it turned out it was only one more block (really only a half block extra).  And that being a bigger street, it’s much more likely to get off correctly there.  That will only be an issue if I have to go by myself … and I have rides for Thursday and Sunday.   We had a nice dinner as always.  We sat with the same young couple, so are making friends with them and others.  I enjoyed the “study” (reviewing a book, “Unbroken” .. which I hope to get soon).  A nice older lady and her sister gave us a ride home.

And now I’m back to this morning, and feeling drowsy.  I have 3 hours until my ride to the senior’s meeting.  That long to get a nap, get a little breakfast (have to have something, but lunch will be fairly early), and showered and dressed.

I think I’ll try for a bit of a nap first.

Day 45

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 45

wEDNESday, October 8,  2014

I feel like I’ve been swallowed whole by sadness.  I just can’t seem to shake it.

Monday was not a *bad* day.  I spent the majority of the morning just sitting here in my room with the morning TV shows.  DN had as little as possible to do with me; but she respected my shut door, and was civil when she did speak.  Around noon I got dressed, told her I’d be going out soon … and when I was ready, I left (and forgot my phone).  I walked up to the bank and took care of what I needed to do there.  I walked over to the library .. and the kind lady there said it wa fine to bring the tap books there.  They don’t have any, but will gladly put them in their mail.  She also gave me the number to call my “contact” so I can discuss what books I would like to be sent.  Also, she took me over to the CD books and helped me pick out some.  (which was silly on 2 levels .. first, I don’t even have a CD player except the big record player which I not only don’t know how to work, it sits on the far side of my room because I haven’t figured out something better yet; and also because DN (chef) had actually given me a list of suggestions that I completely forgot I had!)  From the library I went to Chik for a sandwich and a iced coffee; and then on to the drug store.  I wanted to get a small (personal, portable) CD player, but they were out.    I got a funny Halloween decoration for the back door; I got some toilet bowl cleaner and a brush (because it was making me uncomfortable that it was so nasty and all I could find was a “wand” and no attachments;  some people don’t seem to be aware that not flushing makes the bowl get gross .. brown and very germy);  I got another remote too, but will wait and see if my BIL can program it (since I’m not to ever ask DN to help me and I told her I wouldn’t impose on her any more). 

I came on back then.  I put the decoration on the door.  I cleaned the toilet.  I hung up a few pictures (ran out of hooks except super size ones … but the majority of what needs hung is on the outer cement walls anyway). 

After all that, I finally sat and rested.  I don’t know if I “over did” or it was just from still feeling weepy; but I really didn’t feel good at all.  I felt vaguely queasy and very headachy.

When DN got home she popped in and out of my room several times to tell me stuff.  She fixed barbecued chicken strips for supper.  I am somewhat tired of chicken strips .. but she keeps buying bags of them in different “flavors”.  And I don’t especially care for barbecue; but then, I don’t get consulted on that. 

I did tell her at one point I didn’t feel good, so she pretty much left me alone.  She stayed in her room, I in mine.

Sometimes I think we should discuss this whole cooking/dinner thing.  But I’m quickly learning, I don’t discuss things with DN.  If I dare disagree with her in any way, she  gets mad. I’ve always hated confrontations of any kind .. and now,  when my life already has been so stressful lately, I’m trapped into exactly that.  I was told to “stand up for myself” .. but that doesn’t work.  I have no leverage (as in putting her out of a car or out of the house or whatever).  I have nowhere to go and I’m tied into a lease here. 

Her parents are to come to supper tonight and then finish hanging things on the outer walls.  (mainly because she wants the white board up, doesn’t really care that much about anything else.  Maybe except the living room curtain rod since I pointed out that there’s no way to put up the Halloween lights she wanted so much without that rod to hang them from).  Anyway.  She *told* me she had invited them to supper.  OK, I have no problem with that; in fact, I’m happy for them to come.  We’d talked about doing that.  But.  We did not “discuss” it.  She did not say “how about I ask them to supper” or anything.  She TOLD me she was going to ask her dad to come put up her white board.  And then she TOLD me she had invited them to supper.  She absolutely does not get the concept of doing things together except wanting to insist that I go with her when she has decided we need to do something.

Today is supposed to be grocery day.  She told me she got a friend to take us because we need water.  That’s fine I guess.  But her friend *might* take us at 10:00.  Or she *might* not get up in time and then won’t be available until 4:00 (and isn’t that cutting it a bit close with her parents coming?).  So I’m expected to be “ready” by 10:00 just in case.  So my thinking .. which I’m sure she will not agree with … is that I give her the money (EBT card ran out of course.  We did not expect it to last the month.  But I will be glad when she has income so she’s not using the EBT card for all the snack stuff she keeps getting … I’m spending my own money for my things) and she and her friend can do the shopping.  I see no need in my going along (she even said I could sit in Starbucks while they shop); I won’t be consulted on what they get.  But if I go along I’d be expected to just pay whatever the bill comes to.  If I give her the cash, she has to stick to that.  It’s only about a week and a day until her card is reloaded; but it’s been out over a week, and I’ve already put most of what I budgeted into groceries.  My payday will come earlier this month (and have to last 5 weeks next month) … I think I’ll just give her my share and let her know that’s what we have for the whole month.  My “share” is more than her contribution in addition to having to buy my own personal things (like coke or whatever).  I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.  I am on a budget too, and I can’t make it stretch farther just because it’s more than she has to start with.  I pay more than my share already (and if I have it, I don’t mind; but I’m not willing to risk not being able to cover my own expenses, like insurance and storage).

I was nearly asleep last night when the phone rang at 11:00.  DN didn’t get up for it (if she doesn’t recognize a number she refuses to answer  .. even though I pointed out that if she would *tell* someone they’ve got the wrong number they’d quit calling!) … she may have been asleep and not even heard it.  But a phone ringing late is startling to say the least, so I answered.  It was a wrong number of course.  But it didn’t hurt me at all to tell them so politely.  Then I had to get back to sleep.  I woke somewhere around 2:30ish I think.  I have no idea why … can’t pinpoint anything in particular that woke me.  But I had a hard time getting back to sleep by then.  I wasn’t “awake” .. didn’t want to get up.  I felt tired and grorry.  But sleep took a long time.  I didn’t wake until after 7:00.

It’s now after 8:00 … and once again, I have no internet connection.  I’m totally NOT thrilled with Time Warner.  Hopefully in a few minutes I can just start the computer over and will have connection.  But it’s soon time to go on and get a shower.  Or not.  I think it would make more sense for me to stay here, get some cleaning done (doesn’t need a lot, was cleaned Thursday),  get thing neat where access will be needed to hang things (like curtain rods), and get a load of laundry done.  I’ve tried to make a point of doing it Tuesday and Friday so it doesn’t get overwhelming … and today I can get by with just one load.  And I see no reason for me to ride along just to sit and wait.   

For now, just saving and getting eye drops, and then will try again to connect.

ly get internet back.

It’s now Wednesday morning.  I did not have internet all day yesterday.  DN called TW, was told the problem is the modem and they made an appointment to come out this afternoon.  DN went on off with her friend until late in the afternoon.

I dusted, dust mopped, cleaned the kitchen, swept and moped the kitchen, cleaned, swept and mopped the bathroom.  Then I took a couple of loads of laundry down, including all the bathmats.  In between washing and drying I took the bag of trash down (DN and her friend took the recycling, including all the flattened boxes).

DS/BIL came in the early evening to put up a few more things (on cement walls), and have supper.  After supper DN went home with them.  Before they left, BIL reset the modem … restored internet.

I had a quiet evening here by myself .. which wasn’t actually that different from most evenings here in my room. J Again, though, I woke too early.  For a long time I had gotten ast that I thought.  Guess not.

Day 42

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 42

Sunday, October 5,  2014

Well, I blew it.  I had a good weekend.  DN had (I think) a good weekend.  We had a good supper.  And I messed up.

I got some sort of package in the mail.  DN said it looked like a bunch of mail had been “lost” and redelivered in one envelope.  It turned out it was all one package, but it had been damaged.  I had no idea what it all was, and handed it to her just wanting to know who it was from.

It’s from the library, and she started reading some of it.  She was saying about how to mail the books back.  I stupidly pointed out that the library was closer than the mail box (it is!).  And she said NO, it says to mail them (tape books) back.  And then I blew it.  I got sarcastic.  I said of course I would not dare vary even one teeny tiny bit from what was carved in stone on that piece of paper.  Big mistake.  HUGE mistake.  All of a sudden she started screaming at me ..  I’m not even sure what she said.  It startled me, and I said “whoa, where did that come from” … well, obviously, it was all my fault for arguing with her because clearly one must never ever deviate from what that paper said, not even to so much as ask a question.  She told me not to ever bother asking her to help me with anything because she won’t have anything to do with me.  I asked why she was so mad … about that time her phone rang, and she was walking out the door to go outside and talk, and screamed at me that I am a “fucking moron”.

When she came in later, she turned off the TV and went in her room with the door shut.  I knocked on the door, and told her “I apologize for making you mad.  I apologize for imposing on you and promise I won’t do it again.  But do not EVER talk to me that way again.”   She said nothing, just shut the door. 

OK, it’s all my fault.  Everything is always all my fault.  She can say and do and act anyway in the world and it’s OK, but I’m the one who always has to watch what I say and do.  And I do hope no one decides to call her on this .. because it will only make her scream at me more.

This was just weird.  I thought she was doing better with the new medicine, so this just came out of “left field”, and makes me wonder if that new med is doing anything or it just happens she’s had a good week. She goes back to the doctor tomorrow.  I wonder if she’ll tell about tonight’s blow up?  Or will it not exist because it was, after all, all MY fault and she, as usual, “did nothing wrong”.

On Saturday DS/DIL came and got me around noon.  Other than a stop at a JoAnns, we went to a school where we sat through an entire day of high school marching band competition.  It was hot until the sun went down .. then it got very cold.  But I enjoyed all of it anyway.  I was pleased that the band my DGD16 is in got a 3^rd place for musicality.  They were competing agains some much more experienced bands.  At the very end was a performance by a major university band, which was most excellent!  I’ve always loved marching bands .. so with my limited vision, a band competition is a fantastic thing to get to go to.  I’m hoping to get a video; will have to mail a check to DS to order it.

I didn’t get home until nearly 11:00.  Then I got woke up about 4:00 by someone pounding on a door.  I don’t know what’s up with those people .. seems like every weekend someone (apparently) gets locked out.  It took awhile to get back to sleep, and then I didn’t wake up until 7:30 … and my ride to church was coming at 8:00!!  I managed to be ready, and get a cup of coffee; but nothing else. 

I went to the early service, then to Sunday school (the DN who works there found someone to “escort” me to the right place .. turns out several people there were ladies I met at the senior’s meeting).  After that I went to the later service .. a bit silly I guess, since it was nearly identical.  But being surrounded by people, even if I didn’t know them, seemed so much better than being home alone.  (although right now, I think I’d prefer alone). 

I spent most of the afternoon listening to a book.  It’s a strange book; not sure it’s something I would have picked for myself.  But it’s all I have (unless I want to listen to a book about training my dog).

Now it’s Sunday evening.  It’s not really late.  I feel like I want to just sit here and cry for a year or two.  I just don’t know how I’m supposed to go on like this.  I can make all the friends in the world; but in the end, I have to come back home and never know how I’m going to be treated.  It’s a very lonely feeling sometimes.

I know there are people who say “pick up the phone”.  And I know they mean it.  But after all, if it’s all my fault anyway, and I start calling people just to whine .. how does that make me any better?  So I just say what I feel here .. and no one is required to read.  I won’t apologize for saying what I feel here; but I won’t impose my thoughts and feelings on anyone else.

Tomorrow will be better.