Day 37

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 37

Tuesnday, September 30, 2014

Monday was gray and drippy all day, but not cold at all.  It was an odd combination of lazy and busy.  All morning I did nothing much at all.  My stomach seemed a little unsettled for no particular reason.  I didn’t even wake up until 8:00, and made no effort to do anything beyond dishes. 

DN left by early afternoon to go to an appointment. I pushed myself to go on and get up and at least get showered and dressed. About 3:00 I started walking towards the shopping center.   DN called me on the way to let me know she was leaving where she was.  I got to the grocery store … was lucky enough to reclaim the lost sunglasses (which I certainly did not need at the time!), and waited for DN.

We started out only needing a very few items.  But more and more kept getting added to the basket.  Funny how that works.  So by the time we left the tote I had to carry home had gotten very heavy (DN had some things too, but also had library books).  It was sprinkling fairly steady by then, but we walked on.  It was warm enough not to care if I got wet .. but I didn’t really.  We went to the drug store, and I picked up my eye drops.  I got a few other small items, and a new remote.

I walked on home while DN went to the bank and library.  It was sprinkling pretty steady by then; but I didn’t get more than a touch damp so it was OK.  I sure was glad to get here though, as that bag had gotten really heavy!

DN got home not too long after I did and finished putting up groceries (I had the cold stuff and put it up).

By mutual agreement we had an early supper, baked potatoes and salad.

DN tried to program the new remote.  I’m beginning to think the problem really is my TV .. although the only problem I had with it before the move was the Dish remote kept “eating” batteries.  She was able to get it to turn the TV off and on … but nothing else.  I still can’t change channels, which is the biggest frustration to begin with.  I asked if it needed to work like the other one I had .. some button to be pushed before the number; but she said it didn’t because it was exactly like the one in her room.  So eventually she’ll ask BF to come by and look at it. 

Meantime … I’m out the cost of yet another remote and still have to struggle with those stupid tiny little buttons on the back of the TV.  This is Mega frustrating.

I tried really hard to stay awake to see the 10:00 show that I like.  I ended up dozing off and on through 9:00 and 10:00 shows.  SO annoying.  And worse .. I thought if I waited until the show was over to do my eye drops it would help me not be so sleepy (because the night time drops make my eyes feel tired), so I brought the drops in where I wouldn’t have to get back up to get them.  And forgot them.  Makes me want to just scream. L  I was able to keep up with pills for DH at about 6 times a day … but I can’t keep up with my own stupid eye drops.  I guess part of the trouble is that the drops don’t make the slightest bit of difference to my vision.  So it’s hard to convince myself that they’re that important.  Perhaps I need my nursy niece to do some research on the effects of eye pressure.

Yesterday I slept too late.Today I was awake by 5:30, but waited until after 6:00 to give up and turn on the computer.  I don’t know why I bother.  DN had trouble sleeping, so 3:30ish in the morning she was turning on lights and her TV.  She did, finally, close her door; and I did get back to sleep.  It’s very hard to be “quiet at night (or any time) because the floors squeak something awful.  But I keep trying .. I suppose one of us has to be an “adult” .. though at times I’m getting really tired of being “it”. 

The original agreement was that I would pay more of the electric and do more (NOT *allI) of the cleaning, based on the concept that she would be at work and I would be spending more time here.  Only it’s now been over a month and she’s still not got a job;  but I’ve done almost all of any cleaning that’s gotten done (and I don’t care what anyone says, I don’t feel like I should be required to *tell* another adult when she needs to do her “chores”); and I’ve paid way more than “my share” of the ca ble bundle   And yet … I’m “not allowed” to use the remote in the living room, so basically she has that TV (with Amazon and Netflix) all to herself while I am stuck in my room  if I don’t care for what she watches .. and I have no working remote for my room.

I’m not really in a pissy mood this morning.  But I am annoyed.  Things are not working out the way I was led to believe.  No matter what, I feel like I’m living with a child.  And an often selfish and inconsiderate one at that. 

I raised my son.  I did the best I could with a step son who totally hated me during the tenn years he was at home (and for many years after as well).  At one time or another both of those sons moved back home with wife and 2 kids, and we shared our home with them for several years each.  Then I spent a lot of years taking cre of my husband.

Now I’m alone.  I’ve lost my husband, my home, a huge portion of the *things* I loved, and my vision is going. The “independence” I was hoping for with the move isn’t really happening.  I realize DN means well, but she’s interpreting “helping” as “controlling”.

OK, she isn’t going to change.  Either I resign myself to a lot more cleaning than I was supposed to have to do, or I give up and live in a messy home.  I let her organize “outings” to suit herself, and pray she gets a job soon.  And, I WILL find things to do with adults I have something in common with.  I will be going to NB this weekend to get to see grands  perform (band).  I don’t know yet when I’m going; so depending on how that works out, I’ll go to a seniors group that meets for lunch at the church every week.  That’s a good starting point.  I will call the lady about the VIP sewing group and other social activities.  Also I have a class reunion coming up in less than 2 weeks.  I’ve mailed my check (should arrive today actually), and have found a ride for the dinner.  I’m sure I’ll find a way to get to the other activities I want to participate in.  Since I’m living in town again (and not far far away), I hope I’ll be able to reconnect with some of the people I grew up with.  I was never “close” friends with any of them; but there are many I’ve known since 1^st or 2^nd grade, and maybe at this time of life we can forge new friendships.

The sky is getting light.  DN wants to go to Chik-Fil-A for breakfast .. she has a coupon that expires today, and I still have a coupon for a free iced coffee.  But it’s still at least an hour before she even gets up.  So I guess I’ll just go on and get dressed; and maybe get laundry sorted to do later today. 

This afternoon’s exciting plans include cleaning out and reorganizing the linen closet.

Goody.

Day 36

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 36

Monday, September 29, 2014

Sunday was a bit of a boring afternoon.  I got up and ready in time to get to church, and I’ve decided I enjoy the “traditional” service much more than the contemporary.  I have to decide if I want to go to the early service or later (“normal” for me) one next weekend.  BIL will be out of town (no ride) and DN will be at BF’s house (no company).  I hope I don’t get too lazy to go alone; but anyway, I have a week to decide.

When I got home I did a few more chores around to clean .. but in the end I did not give the apartment as thorough a cleaning as I did last weekend.   

I found the rest of my candles so added that “final touch” (the empty candle holders were a bit silly, though no one really noticed.  DS or BF are the only ones who have been here anyway; and DN doesn’t notice anything unless I point it out). 

I also got my printer hooked up.  I was afraid the move had damaged it, but it’s working just fine.  The only issue I have is space … working out a good way to be able to use the bigger monitor and keyboard, but have the laptop and the printer withint cable reach.  My DB is working on ideas for me, so I will make do as I am (not *that* bad) for a few more months.

DN called by late morning.  She had a question about groceries .. and gave me the impression they’d be here by early afternoon.  I had planned to walk to the drug store (one of the eye drops ran out .. the one that does not last a month even when I don’t use it as often as I should).  But I thought I’d better wait.  BF was to take me to storage.

They did not get here until late afternoon.  With no TV, nothing to read, it was a pretty boring afternoon!  Anyway, as soon as they got here I took the last of the boxes and things down to BF’s truck and he gave me a ride to storage.  I was not able to find the last box of Halloween things … I *think* it’s marked, but so far I haven’t found the stack it’s buried in.  I took the antique mirror back .. was afraid it was too heavy to hang safely (although I had it hung in my house for years … maybe I just didn’t really want it up for now); I replaced it with a lighter one.  It doesn’t even really matter since I can’t see enough to “use” a mirror.  But, it helps bounce light.  I also found a pair of lamps I had been looking for.

When we got back, BF fixed the problem with the TV.  Sometime today I need to go get the eye drops, so I guess I’ll just go on and buy another remote.  DN has an appointment at the big shopping center; she will call when she’s on the way home.  If it’s not rainy I will meet her at the grocery store, and we can stop by the drug store on the way back.  If the afternoon starts to look too rainy (the forecast is only for stray showers) I may go ahead and not wait.  Or if it gets a lot rainy, it’ll just have to wait one more day.

After BF left, I got the lamps set up where I had intended them to be.  I like them there; but I wish I could put a little bit lower wattage bulb in.  I might look for some of those whenever I get to the drug store (or if I go to the grocery store).

DN cooked ranch-burgers and fries for supper.  The burgers were extremely juicy, and very good.

As usual, I fell asleep before the end of my shows.  I *almost* got to see all of CSI; but missed the ending!  That is so annoying. (

During the afternoon when I was so bored, I tried looking things up on the computer.  It’s hard because I have to enlarge things so very much.  Some sites just don’t enlarge at all; others tend to overlap printing which makes it impossible to read.  Occasionally I find one that I can copy and paste to read the part I’m looking for.  One of the things I looked up is that the church (DN’s family church) has a “Grand Age” group.  I was able to enlarge enough of the narrative to get an idea of it, and a contact number.   I think joining a senior’s group would be a very good thing .. they meet in the daytime, and I can get there by bus.  I will call today to get more information; I’d really like to at least check it out.

I think the VIP sewing group meets on Mondays.  I have the contact number; but since the social worker specifically told me the lady would get in touch with me, I’ve held off calling her.  But if I don’t hear from her by later in the week, I will call.  I’m determined to get involved in enough that between groups, church, and taking care of what must be done at home (cleaning, laundry, etc) I don’t have time to be bored. 

I will wait for a day with much less chance of rain before going to the library to get the audible book download there.  Plus I should be hearing before too much longer about the program from the library with the blind services.  They’re supposed to be sending some sort of listening device .. I don’t know if it will be a small DVD player or what.  Wait and see.

It’s a gray morning again, but not raining (yet).  It didn’t get as cool this time, even though I know cool, cooler, cold is on the way!  I didn’t sleep well .. no idea why.  I kept waking up, but going back to sleep.  I had odd dreams; and didn’t wake until the alarm clock went off … supposed to be for eye drops.  At 8:00!!  I don’t even know when I’ve slept that late.  And I have to keep reminding myself .. I have no time frame today.  The call I want to make will be later in the day.  A walk to the drug store won’t be until afternoon at the earliest. I don’t think I would have slept much longer even without the alarm … it’s grass mowing day again.  It seems like they mow about twice a week!  Well, one day is the tractor and another is weed eating.  I don’t really mind, as it’s plenty late enough to be up; and I do like the smell of fresh cut grass!  It mingles with the fall smells I love (although, all the grass cutting does diminish the falling leaves that I also enjoy).

DN is still sleeping.  She always sleeps late if she doesn’t have somewhere to be .. but I don’t think she slept well either.  I know I heard her during the night (but she didn’t wake me up).

Another thing I did yesterday was send a message to the email group I belong to for my high school class.  We have a reunion coming up in about 2 weeks.  I need to get rides to the events I want to get to.  This morning there was a post from a girl offering a ride to the dinner.  Yay.  I can probably find a way to get to everything else.  She’s a girl I have also known from about 2^nd grad (though, again, never close.  I was so horribly shy, I had no close friends at all until about 7^th grade .. and from there to graduation only one close friend.  And both of those girls have died of cancer.  So I will have no “besties” to be reunited with at the reunion).

Regardless of whether I have something do do or not, I guess I ought to get dressed and ready to face this gray day.  

Day 35

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 35

Sunday, September 28, 2014

I had a quiet and fairly productive day.  I tackled several rojects, and did as much as I could on them.  My closets are now neatly organized; I went through fabric and picked out potential pieces for a project; and I wanted to get out my fall colored candles .. turns out I don’t have any.  I *should* have a box full, so I’m hoping they ended up in storage. 

I walked to the grocery store and got a few things.  It was nothing I couldn’t have done without, but I just needed to be able to do it for myself.

I had a lovely long talk with my SIL.

And then I blew it all.  I accidently hit a wrong button trying to change the TV channel .. and it went back to a menu.  I can’t “fix” what I can’t see.  So I have to wait for someone to get it back where it belongs.  It would be helpful if someone could tell me how to fix it …like, which box needs to be “lit” and then what button to push … but no one seems to get that.  It’s just I’m too stupid to do it .. same as the living room remote.  DN keeps putting off teaching me how to use it.

It’s really getting greatly annoying to keep being treated like I’m stupid.  Maybe I am in some ways .. but mostly I’m not.  Not being able to see something doesn’t mean I can’t learn another way to do it, if someone would bother to teach me.

I read a book, but it turned out to be very short … less than 3 hours to listen.  So Maggie and I settled in a little early.  I was awakened a little before 5:00 by someone who seemed to think very early Sunday morning was a good time to ride a Very Loud motorcycle around a residential neighborhood.   After it got quiet again, I set my timer because I was afraid I wouldn’t wake up in time to get a shower.

BIL is picking me up in a few minutes for church.  This afternoon I will finish cleaning.  At least, that’s my plan for now.  I know it shouldn’t be up to me to clean every weekend while DN is off with her BF.  But … if I’m the only one who cares if it’s clean, then it’s up to me to do it.

Off to grab coffee before time to go.

Day 34

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 34

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Yesterday was calm and productive.In the morning I got a load of laundry done, and also carried trash and recycling to the dumpsters.  Around noon I showered and dressed, and DN and I walked to the bank.  I gave her the rent money, and got some bank checks to pay off some final bills from before my move.  It’s nice to have that taken caer of finally.

From the banks we walked across to Chick-Fil-A where I used a coupon SIL had given me for a free iced coffee.  To my surprise, it was very good (never been a big fan of iced coffee .. this could change my mind!).  Then we went by a mail box (there’s only one “close” by .. kind of a pain if I have to mail anything.  Fortunately I don’t mail things often).

For the rest of the afternoon not much at all got done.DN  was in a very “conciliatory” mood all day, as usually does follow an episode of temper.   I just wish I could get her to understand the different between “helpful” and “smothering”. 

Anyway, in the early evening BF picked her up.  And while I’m fine with being here alone .. there is a tiny rude corner of my mind that wonders why it’s OK for her to leave me here alone to eat leftovers while she goes out to meet friends for pizza.  So if I don’t like it I have to find friends.

In the mail I received a packet of information from the social worker with blind services.  A letter basically confirmed all the things we discussed and that I signed up for.  So mostly there’s not much I can do but wait to hear from people.  An exception is I have contact information for a lady with a social group.  I will try to call her over the weekend.

I also understand that there’s a senior’s group at the church I started going to with DN (her family’s church).  I will ask about that, BIL is giving me a ride Sunday (DN will still be at BF’s house) There are other churches in the area that have groups, but I’d rather at least start with this one and see how it goes.

Last night I made a list of things I want to get done over the weekend.  I don’t want to fall into the habit of just sitting here by myself.  As long as the weather stays decent, I need to push myself to get outside at least some.  And clearly this place won’t get any cleaning unless I do it (DN *says* she will .. and then says her day to do her chores is Sunday.  And she’s not here on Sunday).  Anyway, even though it’s frustrating when I can’t see, I’d still rather make the effort myself than have it done by someone who doesn’t even think anything needs to be done to start with).

Last night my SIL called and we had a nice long chat.  I still managed to check several things off my list before 9:00 … at that point I stopped to watch TV until I fell asleep.

Some one woke me around 3:00.  It didn’t sound so noisy upstairs; but there was loud voices and then a car horn (like an theft guard) going off.  I was wide awake, so  got up and got a hot dog to eat.  Probably not the best choice, but it just seemed easiest.  Then I slept later this morning; but that’s OK. 

I still have over an hour before my “scheduled” time to start on something; but I believe I’ll go get the kitchen cleaned first, and maybe even go on with dusting and vacuuming before I get in the shower. 

Actually, I think first I’ll just go cook some breakfast for myself.  Then I’ll get started on something.

Day 35

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 35

Frisday, September 26, 2014

Yesterday was a mostly stay-in-room-quietly kind of day.  It was not as chilly and rainy; but it still was a bit sprinkly, and very gray.  It wa also still a bit on the cool side, but not terrible.  I really just didn’t want to do anything much.  Contrary to what anyone may think, I was not “hung over”.  I was just very sad. Many times during the day it ran through my mind that I just wanted to go home.  I want my husband back, my home as crappy as it was, all my flea bag cats, and my ratty overgrown yard.

DN was in a “conciliatory” mood, which always happens after she’s been mad about something.  I “stood up” to her, refused to go along with a plan that did not work for me.  Didn’t matter, she got mad anyway.

While she was gone to the library in the morning I got showered and dressed; and I finished dealing with the few small items left in my room.  There is still a corner of clutter, but it’s contained.  The majority is fabric, and a few other things … but I know what they are and where.

DN came back with a salad and a coke  as a peace offering.  I was not “not speaking” or anything  I just didn’t feel like doing anything but sitting here rocking.  Maggie napped with me off and on during the day, so it was just that kind of day.

In the afternoon DS picked up DN and took her to a doctor’s appointment.  While they were gone I pushed myself to get up briefly.  I did pull a large container (upright laundry basket) out of the front closet, sort through it, and put it with the things to go to storage with some overflow items.  I put laundry items in the linen closet.  It’s not a complete overhaul of the front closet, but it’s much better; what’s in there can be accessed now.  I may eventually want to pull everything out; but that is much less important than the other closets now.

When DN got home she was not, as she had predicted, in a bad mood.  She was not only in a good mood, she was extremely *helpful* (that’s not quite the right word but the best I can come up with right now).   She fixed supper (although we had left overs .. but that had been my suggestion because there were things that we needed to either finish or get rid of); she made a point of putting the TV on the channel with the programs I like (and again, my choice, I opted for my room for evening shows just because as limited as my vision is, I can come closer to telling what’s going on with my TV that sits so much closer to me.)

She even said “good night” … something she almost never does.

She brought me a bottle of wine, which I strongly suspect she had “help” with! LOL!  And hopefully I thanked appropriately. J

I’m not stupid enough to think it will always go smoothly.  But she likes the new doctor, which is a huge part of the equasion.   She got started right away on a new medicine, so maybe .. in time .. that will help too.  And she has a job interview at a store she would love.  Hopefully the new medicine plus working with a doctor she will cooperate with will keep her mood/attitude level enough to keep a job once she gets one.

I know there are some who have doubts that anything will change.  But I choose to be optimistic.  I am locked into the lease here for the next 11 months, so I have no choice but survive.  And since I don’t want to spend that time sitting in my room crying and depressed to near suicidal, I just HAVE to believe it will get better; and at the very least we can find a way to co-exist peacefully.

Today  I am going to go do a load of laundry … if I do it twice a week (not as often as I used to do it at home … I absolutely hate for dirty laundry and damp towels to pile up!) I at least only have to deal with manageable loads.  Later today I have to go to the bank.  I’d rather go alone, but I doubt I’ll get to.  While I know DN means well … and at times really is trying to be helpful … we will have to have a talk about the difference between helpful and controlling or over protective. I need to learn how to do things on my own, not have someone “guarding” me all the time.  And, ironically, it’s OK to go to BF’s house and let me stay here alone all weekend!

I don’t know what I’ll do over the weekend.  It’s supposed to be warmer again, so I will get out, even if it’s only to walk around the courtyard. I might go by the library to see if someone is there to help me download the software for audible books on my kindle.  But then, I might wait until a week day to do that. 

It’s getting “late” and I need to go on and get started at least on the laundry.   And then I will figure out what the rest of the day will hold. 

I sure do hope I hear from the Blind Society social group soon.  I really need some adult company sometimes, and it would be good to meet eople that I have something in common with!

Day 34

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 34

Thursday, September 25, 2014

It’s still only Wednesday night, but I feel like writing.  I’ve been screamed at today to stop, but I am anyway.

The day started out OK, even considering it was chilly and pouring rain almost all day.  Once again, DN got mad at me because I didn’t want to walk all the way to the shopping center in the rain.  Turned out she hadn’t gotten *all* the facts,.  OK, to clear things up: DNa is a nurse.  DN2 is muy “flatmate.  DN3 lives on the other side of the world.  So, DN1 picked us up and treated us to lunch.  Nice.

She took DN(2) to her appointment.  I finished going through the boxes on the floor. 

DN got home, took a nap.  Then all crashed.  She wanted to change the plans for tomorrow, and I had the nerve to object.  She got mad at me .. as usual.  Then I made the HUGE mistake of venting to DN1. 

Long story short, DN1 axewMWS r mw ro arop xomplININF IN WMila.  Rhwn ahw apwnr rhw ewar od rhw wcwninf ahur in hwe eoom.

I apwnr rhw ewar od rhw wcwninf qiahinf I Hs my homw NS MY HUAVns Vxk.

I nwELY POLIAHWS ODD  vorrlw od qinw .. vur nor sonw ywr.  I know, I’m not supposed to say anything, complain or vent or anything.  And if anyone dares to comment on my blog, DN2 will likely scream at me again.

I hope I have enough wine to last me the next 11 months. I just don’t want to be here.  I want my home back, mice and bugs and all.  I ant my husband back.  I want my *real* life back. 

Please, whoever bothers to read this, DO NOT call or email DN and fuss at her.  It does not help, just makes things worse. It’s all my fault you know.  I’m over emotional, over sensitive, over stupid, whatever.  I tried standing up for myself.  It just made things worse. 

I hope I have enough .. or can get enough .. wine to make it through 11 more months.  I will live in a cardboard box under a bridge before I continue to be treated like  this.  I know, it’s my own fault.  Sorry, I just don’t like to be yelled at and I *try* to be conciliatory (pretty good word for a whole bottle of wine) .. but it just doesn’t work.  I never know when I’m going to say the wrong thing.  I just cannot meekly accept orders to do this or that.  And I’m pretty sick of being told how good the “exercise=ze” is for me whenever she wants  to force me to do what she wants to do.  I’m to the point that I don’t care about stupid exercise!!

Bottle of wine is empty.  I guess it’s time to go to sleep.

Day 33

One NEW Day At A TimDay 19 & 2

Day 33

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Another busy day keeps the weepies away.  Well, not totally, but it’s better.  I didn’t rush, but I got my laundry all together, and walked on down to the room before DN was even awake.  And discovered that my key wouldn’t work!  Drat!!  So I had to come back and wait for her to get up (and yes, I *could* have woke her .. but since I want to avoid any chance of temper, it wasn’t worth it!).  As soon as she got up I got her key, then got started.  With the “false start” it took me 5 trips back and forth, but I got it all done.

After resting a bit, we walked up to the bank, and then on over to the grocery store.  DN got a month bus pass (thanks to her mom!!); then I waited at Starbucks while she got a few grocery items.  My newly discovered addiction is salted caramel mocha .. too expensive so a rare treat; but oh so good!

After resting a bit (yes, again.  I’m old!), I started supper.  It started out to be a “recipe” .. but I sort of put it together as I went.  Chicken, pasta, broccoli, cream of chicken soup, mayo, and a dollop of sour cream.  I baked it to get everything hot all the way through, then added cheese to the top until melty.  Once again, it was suddenly “OK” for me to play with knives! LOL!  It turned out OK, but next time I’ll use rotisserie chicken (this was a combo of canned and some sort of “seasoned” strips).

We watched NCIS and the new one … which I found harder to follow.  I had a fairly busy evening with emails too for some reason.  But part of it is that my class reunion (50^th!) is all taken care of .. a lady in the class got me registered and sent the address for me to send my payment.  It’s in about 3 ½ weeks now.  I will have to find a ride for some of it; but because of my new location I hope that won’t be a problem!

A new season of another show I like started .. and of course I couldn’t stay awake for it.

It was a cold night .. we had to pull the windows mostly down, and get out blankets.  But it’s fall, and the chilly weather (rainy today) won’t last. 

Today DN has a doctor appointment, and her sister is taking her.  We’ll meet at the shopping center for lunch; but I’m not going along since the doctor’s office says I’m not allowed (they’re “too busy” to have my point of view on DN’s issues .. but it’s OK since her sister is going and knows her well plus is a nurse).

I don’t know what I will do with a few hours to myself!  There are multiple projects  I should work on.  But a chilly rainy fall day seems to call for a good book!