Day 42

Day 42

Friday, May 9, 2014

This day (Friday) was not one of my better days.  Even though I know I should expect days like that, they always catch me off guard.  There was nothing specifically wrong; at least, not anything “important”.  The remote to the living room TV (which is the one I watch almost exclusively lately) suddenly quit working.  Again.  I put new batteries in it.  Again.  But it still wouldn’t work.  I tried changing the direction of the batteries multiple times (keeping in mind all of this is difficult when I’m doing it primarily by feel, and using a flashlight to try to determine which end is which).  But nothing worked.  I couldn’t even turn the stupid thing off, so had to unplug the TV (yes, I know there’s an on/off switch somewhere .. I just have no idea where it is). So, if I watched TV I had to go to the den .. and even though I used to all but live in there, I now find it less comfortable.  I *hope* TGF or DSS will try to get the remote working at some point over the weekend, though I’m not at all sure I’ll even see them other than at today’s graduation.  Last resort, I can call Dish and have them send me a replacement remote .. only takes a few weeks.

That is not enough to ruin a day.  So even though it’s very annoying, it’s not the end of the world.  So why did I feel weepy and grumpy?  I have no idea.

I did get the house vacuumed, finally.  I was hoping the noise of the vacuum would get that cat to run towards a room where I could “trap” him … but apparently he’s not afraid of it.  I guess he’s just going to live with me.

I tweaked a few more odds and ends; but basically, I’ve done pretty much all I can until more stuff gets sorted and/or taken away.  I have a lot of thngs on the hall shelves I was hoping someone would help me sort … apparently that’s just not going to happen.   Once I get rid of stuff, I hope no one comes up to me later saying “I wanted” this or that.  Too bad if they do, I’ve tried to give everyone a chance to speak up or come over.

And even that attitude is being grumpy.  Well, it seems that once you get about a month or so out from losing a loved one …. No one cares any more.  I knew that would happen, but I did think it would last a little longer.  Yes, I do know, people have lives of their own.  Things to do, places to go.  I am not anyone’s responsibility.

I’m just sad.

I decided it’s time to make arrangements to say a final goodbye.  I set a date … mostly based on when DS and DSS were “free” in between various school or summer activities for the grands.  So far none of “my” family will be able to come (though I haven’t heaerd from everyone yet).  I asked my SIL to check with DH’s family … she’s usually pretty good about that, but I haven’t talked to her in a few days.

I didn’t sleep well, probably because I knew I needed to get up so early.  I woke around 3:30; and after that, although I did sleep, I “tossed and turned”, and had odd dreams.  For now I’m OK, but it sure will be a long day.  TGF’s friend is supposed to pick me up in about an hour.  I still have things to get done to be ready, but I think I’ll manage.  If I get off the computer.

Hopefully today will be busy enough (and be spent with people) so I won’t feel sad or whiny.  NO ONE likes to be around a whiny person (no matter how good their excuse is).  I don’t want to be that person!

Day 41

Day 41

Thurday, May , 2014

Another day with an odd mixture of being draggy and lethargic, interspursed with bouts of energy.  Part of it, of course, is the heat.  I don’t mind heat nearly as much as cold; but I don’t cope well with extremes either way.  The biggest problem is that I HAVE to get the electric bill down to a manageable amount, so I am avoiding running the a/c.  Ican’t tell, of course, where it’s set; but I’m thinking around 80 or so.  It was actually fine most of the day .. oddly, in the late evening it got more uncomfortable.  But, I have a small fan I turned on.

I did finally get the kitchen mopped.  I have hopes of getting more cleaning done today.  I also got a load of laundry done.  I moved some small items (furniture) around a bit.  And, I worked a little more on consolidating some of the stuff that is so scattered, waiting to be either sorted, or boxed up to go to DSS’s house (to be sorted).

In the late afternoon I *thought* I had gotten that “extra” cat out … but then, late in the evening … there he was.  I swear he was laughing at me. L  It’s very depressing now.  I don’t know how I will ever get him out, because I can’t see well enough to tell where he goes.  Even if I flush him out of a hiding place, I can’t see where he goes.  Yesterday I really thought he had gone into the back hall, and I shut the door … obviously he didn’t.  Or else he found a Really good hiding place in the back bathroom, because that’s the only door that was open (and I did try checking it).  It is so frustrating and discouraging.

Some days are harder than others dealing with the loss of vision.  That cat in the house is making it worse.  I know there are blind people who cope just fine.  But I’m not “blind” … I don’t even know if I qualify as “legally blind”.  But I can’t drive, I can’t read.  I can’t find a stupid cat hiding in my house. I can’t even read my own mail … and no one really has time to be bothered with it.  And even when someone does, it’s beyond frustrating to have to just save it up for a week or more at a time (and then someone flips through it all in less than a minute and tells me it’s nothing I need to deal with .. without bothering to tell me what it is!) Since I can’t drive, I’m stranded (which I bitterly resent since I *own* a car) … totally dependant on someone else’s schedule or plans to get anywhere.  If I lived somewhere that stores were within walking distance … how safe would that be?  I trip over curbs or steps, or walk into short objects like fences or posts (or if I’m looking down, walking into low hanging tree branches).  If I had to cross a road, I could tell if traffic was coming; but I couldn’t tell what color a traffic light is.

Well, for now it doesn’t matter.  This is where I am, and as long as I can squeak by on my restricted budget , this is where I stay.  During the day (after being asked yet again by someone else) I pondered the whole moving question … wrote down my thoughts below.

In the evening I had a very odd “visit”.  It was right at dark, and I already had my doors closed.  I never opened the storm door; perhaps I should have, but I didn’t.  It was the neighbor lady, the 2 younger girls, the toddler, and another lady.  She introduced herself as the school nurse and that she was taking Spanish lessons from the lady (seems to me it ought to be the other way around!!).  She came over to “interpret” … NL wanted me to know how sad she was for me for my loss.  (she actually had managed to convey that to me the one day just she and the toddler came over, while the guys were outside wrecking my yard).  The nurse chatted a bit about inconsequential stuff.  They noticed 2 tiny kittens on the porch (I knew they were there).  She said if I need anything to let the neighbors know.  Right, I’ll do that.  Probably not.  They make me uncomfortable, though I’m not really sure why.  It might just be the language barrier.

One of my stray cats (outside) obviously had a litter, but only 2 kittens.  The boys discovered them a few days ago, inside the “cat tree house” on the porch.  We started handling them immediately, with the goal of them not turning out to be so wild and terrified of people.  The boys were concerned that they would fall out of the tree house, as they were starting to move around some.  Clearly, who ever mama is had the same concern, since yesterday late afternoon (AFTER I *thought* I had the cat out of the house) she moved them to the wood porch.  I guess she feels safe right up against the door.  If they’re still there later this morning, I’ll have to watch Butter very closely to make sure he doesn’t try to hurt the babies.  He mostly ignores the other cats; and there have been no fights that I know of.

Most people who know me know that one of my very favorite shows is American Idol.  Some years I follow more closely than others.  This year started out so-so, but I’ve been drawn in more as the number of contestants dwindles.  Another NC young man is still in the top 3 (as of last night) … and I’m really very impressed with his singing (which is a bit strange, I’m not so much into rock .. but I’ve loved his renditions of some oldies).  So anyway, that was the highlight of my evening.  I tried to watch a show at 10:00, but of course dozed off and missed big chunks of it.

It seems that, barring any unusual circumstances, my body just naturally wants about 7 hours of sleep.  Some mornings when I wake up I feel like I don’t want to get up; but once I wake, I get restless quickly if I don’t get up.  When I’m not at home it’s sometimes awkward or frustrating  .. those are times when having a book to pick up (with headphones) is a good thing!  But at home, like today, I tend to get up around 6:00 .. give or take up to half an hour.  As we get into hot days, that’s not a bad thing since I am more likely to get things done early, before it gets too hot.  I guess I’ll wait until the darkness of winter to sleep late.

For now, it’s time to get the day going.

Below are some of my random thoughts on the subject of moving.  I have not “edited” anything … I rarely do, as it’s too hard to read.  It is what it is .. and reading anything I try to write is, as always, totally optional!

~~~~~~

For some reason, the concept of moving seems to be on everyone’s mind lately.  I have been advised .. by the person who’s advice I value implicitly above all others .. to not make any “big” changes for at least a year. It’s good advice, which I will take if I am able (keeping in mind that a move could conceivably not be my choice,).  But I don’t really understand why so many people keep talking about and asking me about moving.

So, looking at this question, I ask myself .. if I had to move, where would I go?  To start with, if would have to be somewhere I could afford.  That pretty much limits me to places in worse shape than this old house; or possibly government owned cardboard (income based rental) apartments.  And being just one person, would likely not be allowed but one bedroom .. meaning forget any hope of ever having grands come to visit because I’d have no room.  And pets?  What of my cats?

If I were to move, I’d want to be near friends or family … otherwise, why not just stay out here in the middle of nowhere by myself.

I have friends in Apex, Salisbury, Mebane.  Mann’s Harbor too, though I’d rather move west than east.  And I have family in far flung different locations … and more than likely, I wouldn’t be able to afford housing anywhere close to any of my family members.  In which case, what would be the point?

The only family I don’t want to live closer to would be either Benson or Smithfield  .. and truly, I don’t want to live where I would be frequently drawn into satellite family dramas.

I also need to consider that I would need to live within walking (or bus) distance of things like a grocery store and a drug store.  I’m not sure how safe walking would be with my vision issues; but in any case, the places near shopping areas seem to be mostly high class apartments and condos.  Definitely not in my price range!

I realize I don’t need a house this big (although I think it is grossly unkind that some people think it should be perfectly OK for me to give up EVERYTHING and live in a tiny apartment, maybe even a studio).  What “rule” says that when you get to a certain age, and become a widow, suddenly you’re no longer a person who’s wants or needs matter.  Well, they matter if you have money in the bank and own property.  But if you don’t, then you have no rights I guess.

But, as I said, I don’t need this big a place.  So I’ve stopped using one room.  Even though I’ve been purging and giving away stuff like crazy .. all the other rooms are still quite full.  Even though it’s getting harder to see anything, I still enjoy having pretty things in my home.  Don’t most people fill their homes with the things they most enjoy?  It doesn’t matter if there’s just one really great thing or a zillion.  The point is, everyone has *things* that mean something, and I don’t feel like I should be forced to give up mine because someone else doesn’t like where I live.  Or because I’m an inconvenience. 

And I don’t want to live in a place where I’m afraid I’ll end up being taken advantage of (“run down the road and ask grandma if she has some milk”  or bread.  Or whatever).

So what would be my “dream” home?  Most of my life I’ve “designed” houses .. floor plan drawings.  If I won the lottery, or PCH, or something, I’d love to get my “dream house” plan made into a real blueprint.  But build it?  No, it’s not a house for a single person.

I would like an apartment or cono, at least 2^nd floor; higher if there’s an elevator.  But no more than maybe 5^th floor.  I would want 2 bedrooms; a large living room (or separate dining room), and a big eat in kitchen.  It would need laundry hookups; and a decent sized storage locker on premisis.  I would want a large balcony; and a screened in porch would be even better.   A view wouldn’t really matter of course.  Just so it’s located close enough to places to go, things to do, and easy for me to get around.  Well, actually, I suppose if I had money, I could take taxis .. in which case, I think I’d like to be in a gated community.  One that had a swimming pool, and other amenities that my grandchildren would be allowed to use.

Well, I’m not likely to win anything.  So I’ll just keep slogging along here as best I can.  I will continue to “downsize” some, but the bulk of what I can (or will) do is done.  I will continue to purge a little at a time .. some things because I realize I just don’t use them (or at least don’t any more); other things because over time my tastes change.

Day 40

Day 40

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

It seems that although there really are times I like my solitude, for the most part I function better on the days I have “human contact”.  That is a little disturbing to realize about myself, because it’s not at all realistic.  I live totally in the middle of nowhere; people have their own lives to deal with, and can’t be running out here all the time just because I “feel lonely”.  I know it’s something I have to get used to.  In some ways I already am … but  it’s different now.  Instead of talking to DH .. whether he could hear me or not (and frequently had no idea what I was talking about … but then, that’s been going on most of the time we were married anyway), I talk to the cats .. or the TV … or the computer … or whatever inanimate object happens to be in front of me.  Most of the time they don’t respond (although occasionally the cats will give me *that look*).

Yesterday (Wednesday)  didn’t turn out as I expected .. though of course I should know by now not to “expect” anything!  I had been told DSS was coming over.  It was after 3:00 in the afternoon before he called, which meant most of the day I was afraid to get started on something since I didn’t know when he was coming over (and knew I needed to ask him to take me to get my eye drops refilled).    He called to see if I was at home (where else would I be??).  He did come over, and he told me a bit about his trip to FL.  He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to get; we decided that since the local dump is closed on Wednesday, he couldn’t get the trash.  And since he didn’t bring the trailer yet, he couldn’t get the metal stuff  to sell for scrap (I told him there’s a lot he can take, but he has to split with me whatever he makes on it.  I doubt he will though).  So in the end he decided to go on and get some of the big items from the house.  It was so near 4:00 that he called TGF and asked her to come on over here to help loading things. 

She came after picking up the boys.  The first thing we did was all 5 of us pile in the car to take me to get the eye drops.   Then we came back, and he got the big cabinet loaded.  Actually, he made the boys do that.  They whined, of course; but when they realized they actually could do it, they strutted like peacocks!  They also loaded a small a/c unit that I hadn’t used in years and knew I didn’t need. 

The large cabinet took up most of the truck, so not much else went this trip.  There are still a lot of big items I’m waiting to have out of the way.  He did say he would bring back some large totes he had previously emptied, and will take all the random stuff that’s on the card tables, and will sort it at home.  That will make a big different in my being able to get things figured out here. 

In the evening I got “brave” and made some hamburger helper for supper.  In the first place, cooking hamburger is tricky since I can’t actually see if it’s done.  I tend to burn it a bit, since I go a lot by smell.  I had found a box of helper; but of course I can’t read the directions.  So, I improvised, based on previous experience.  I added some hot water, then dumped in the ingredients.  I put the lid on, turned the heat down (or at least tried to .. also extremely difficult when you can’t see the flame!), and set a timer for as long as I knew it should take pasta to cook.  It turned out OK;  and I have enough for at least 2 more meals (another downside – just makes way too much for just one).

I think all the things I’ve *expected* are taken care of .. bills paid, refills done, donations gone.  I don’t know when DSS will get more stuff … not before next week I’m sure.  With TGF’s dad coming tomorrow, and her graduation this weekend, it’s going to be a busy time.   But, with it staying light so much later now, he may come after work an evening or two to get stuff.  Maybe.

Anyway, hopefully today I will get busy enough to not mope around.  I’ve been putting off mopping and vacuuming for any number of reasons .. and I’ve used them all up now.

It’s going to be a very hot day, so I better go on and get busy this morning!

Day 39

Day 39

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

This was a better day; and that in itself is a bit worrisome.  It was better because I had more “human contact”.  I exchanged emails with family members, and it always feels better to be in touch.  The guys from Habitat came by around midday, and took all the stuff I had gathered up for them.  They were very nice and polite; and said they’d gladly come back if I decide I want them to pick up anything else (thinking about one large chair).  In the afternoon my SIL came over for a brief visit. And later in the evening TGF called to let me know DSS is home from his trip, and to let me know travel arrangements for her graduation on Saturday.

In between various stuff happening, I sort of paced a bit, trying to decide what I want to do once all the stuff has been taken away that various people want.  I have a lot of stuff that I thought some people wanted, but now I’m not sure because I haven’t heard from them.  I know everyone (else) has very busy lives.  But it is a bit frustrating to sit here so much of the time alone .. but yet, when I do make any plans, I get told I’m too hard to get up with.  Well, that’s disappointing.  But if I get the opportunity to go somewhere, do something, and don’t have other plans, then I will go ahead.  I have more than enough time to sit here alone; I’m not going to pass up the chance to get out a bit just because someone *might* call or come by.

I did pay my gas and electric bills, so that was an accomplishment.  The rent was mailed.  Everything else is auto-draft or whatever it’s called.  For now it’s all covered, and I only have to worry about paying the balance to the funeral home.  I don’t know how the rest of the summer will be … I know it is going to be very hard to keep the electric bill down when the temps start going into the 90s or above .. like tomorrow is supposed to be.  I can stand it warm, never cared for the a/c to be too cold.  But will I be able to just use fans and not turn on the a/c?  I doubt it, but may not have the choice.  I’ll just have to wait and see how things go.

I feel like I must have done something else yesterday (Tuesday) .. but I don’t know what.  But at least there was enough going on to not have soggy moments.  Well, except when SIL was here.  She had a spell of talking about her big brother, and we both got weepy; but that’s not a bad thing really. 

In my email yesterday I got a message from Duke which sort of shocked me.  A lady introduced herself as the new transplant team coordinator.  She had noticed that they had not seen DH since 2013, was wondering how he was doing and could they schedule a follow up appointment.  I was tempted to ask her if she wanted me to bring in his ashes.  But, I had to remind myself .. if she was new, she had no way of knowing that someone else had not properly updated his records.  I had sent an email to the previous coordinator letting him know DH had passed away and to close his file.  Obviously he didn’t do that; the new lady apologized and said she would close the file.

I got to sleep fairly early, but didn’t sleep well.  The “extra” cat is really still a kitten .. and around 2:00 in the morning decided it was OK to play with the tree.  Maggie never really showed a lot of interest; and Butter is only interested in knocking an ornament off (and only occasionally) to play with.   I had to get up to scare him away from the tree.  I did get back to sleep; but it was very warm so I didn’t sleep as well as I usually do.  The fan in the living room doesn’t have a “high” speed (actually, it only has one speed).  I may consider getting a small fan to use when the temps go so high.  I have a nice table top size fan that isn’t being used anywhere.  We pretty much gave away most of the floor standing fans.  But I’ll figure it out as I go. 

TGF said DSS would come by today.  He had told me before he left that he’d come by this week to get the junk out of the yard and take to the dump.  But, the dump isn’t open today (though I think the landfill might be open).  In any case, if he comes it will be after taking the boys to school, so could be any time in the next hour or so.   I’m up and dressed, the litter boxes changed, the cats fed.  I need to get more coffee and get the rest of the trash bagged up.

After DSS comes and goes, perhaps today will be the day I finally clean the kitchen floor!

Day 38

Day 38

Monday, May , 2014

This was a fairly quiet ordinary day.  I exchanged emails with several people; and hung up on a telemarketer call (a recording).  That was my extent of contact.  Since I slept late, I was a bit draggy all day, no energy at all.  But I did managed to accomplish a few things.  I didn’t read … I’ve been reading too fast, and will run out of books!  I have 2 more that I know of, and there might be 1 or 2 more .. I can’t remember for sure.  I can’t read the titles, so I just touch the “blobs” and listen to see if it’s something I’ve already “read” or not.  I do have a $10 coupon for one more this month.

So, I watched my regular daytime TV junk in between small spurts of energy.

Somehow I just think I’m going to feel better once the accumulated donation stuff is gone.  It should be picked up sometime today.  There are still a few big items that  will be going to new homes, but for one reason or another I get to “store” them for now.

On days like this (Monday) I wonder why I’m bothering to write daily.  I’m going through a bit of a “blank” spell.  I just feel tired .. not sad, not happy.  Lonely at times, but that’s just something I need to get used to.  I should have already by now.  And there are days when I like my solitude.  I can do what I want … stay in pajamas until noon; eat what I want when I feel hungry;   I can stay up late if I want to .. although I realize my body doesn’t particularly like to do that!  I’d love to be able to sleep late, but I just keep waking up. 

I don’t have anything planned for today, except perhaps water the plants.  If the truck comes early enough, maybe this afternoon I’ll finish exchanging candles; otherwise I’ll just sit around and wait.

The “extra” cat is still in the house.  Last night I ate a nuked meatloaf, and dropped the plastic dish on the floor as I often do for Butter to lick it.  He doesn’t like “people food” but does love gravy or sauce.  Later, to my surprise, the “extra” cat was right beside my chair working on what was left on that dish.  He’s not hungry .. since he’s been free to roam the house, he has access to the cat food.  I might have been able to reach down and get him … but most likely if I’d tried he’d have bolted.  As it was, as soon as I moved he streaked off.  I do have a plan, of sorts.  But it would take tricky timing.  First I need to leave the door to the back bedroom open.  I think he’d go in there, because he still thinks it’s an escape route.  But I’d have to do it while the other cats are in the back hall, and shut Maggie in the guest room.  Then I can shut the bedroom door, and move the board blocking the hole.  I think the cat would go on out by himself.  If I do it any other time, the other cats would come in.  And the whole thing would depend on my getting him to go into the room at the right time.  This really is getting ridiculous.  It’s stupid to have that cat roaming the house, but terrified to let me near it!

It’s still early, but daylight.  I guess I’ll go on and get showered and start the day.

Day 37

Day 37

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Sunday was an odd mixture of good and frustrating.  Since TGF had never called, I spent the morning wondering what was going on, when (or if) she was coming.  I did get up earlyish; and I spent a bit more time getting the porch a bit neater looking.  There’s still more I’d like to get done, but it involves moving pots that are too heavy for me.  I hope someday my handtruck will be returned, but I’m not holding my breath.  TGF tends to “borrow” things but doesn’t like to return them, even when I ask.

I didn’t get much else done.  Not knowing what was happening, I didn’t want to get started on something and have to stop in the middle.

TGF and the 2 youngest boys got here about 2:00.  She had completely forgotten me on Saturday (had much more fun things to do). 

The boys decided to try to flush out the “extra” cat.  So they closed the kitchen door and started running around calling the cat.  Yeah, right, that’ll make it come out … NOT! 

She goofed on her timing, so we got to the play a little late .. about 2/3 into the first act.  We had to sit in the balcony until intermission.  But the seats we had (a friend had given the tickets to her) were front row center!  So the 2^nd act was good, and I could mostly tell what was going on.  And we could hear Really well!! 

After the play she brought me on home.  It was only around 6:00 by then, and the rest of the evening was quiet.  I started a new book, and sat up WAY too late listening to it.  It surprised me to stay awake, and just kept going.  I think I stopped around 2:00 .. it’s been many years since I stayed up that late.

This morning I remembered why. L  I woke with daylight, about 6:30 .. with a headache.  I turned the TV on, sound low but not off … and went on back to sleep for a couple more hours.  The headache went away, but I feel draggy.  I’m working on getting up the energy to get in the shower.  I really want to get the Easter things boxed up and back upstairs; go through some cabinets in the back hall for more discards; water the plants; do a load of laundry; bring some things down from upstairs; put up the Easter candles and get out ones to replace them … and right this minute I lack the energy or motivation to do any of that. 

I will start with  the shower and see how the day goes

Day 36

Day 36

Saturday, May 3, 2014

I wonder when .. if .. I will learn that there are some people who just can’t be counted on.  Sometimes they do what they say they wil.  And sometimes they don’t.  And that’s just the way it is.  In my case, I’m simply not a priority.  That’s fine.  But I don’t understand why a little bit of communication is asking so much.

So anyway, Saturday was a quiet day.  I did do a bit of work on the porch in the morning, but not nearly what I thought I would do.  If I can get myself out early enough in the morning, I can manage.  Once the sunlight (although never any direct sun) gets to the porch, it gets so bright that it’s difficult.  And that sounds like I just never go outside .. not true.  Something about the way it reflects … and maybe it’s nothing more than being too hard to face the bare ugliness out there.

Whatever, I need to get it done.  I don’t know when (if actually if) the lady will contact me about helping.  And I can’t let things just sit and wait.  And yet, I’m having a hard time making myself go out and take care of it. 

I have noticed that if a person whines and begs and wheedles, they can often get what they want.  But I’ve never been very good at that.  I’m fine with whining .. here.  But I more often than not will try to put on a “cheerful face” and say everything is fine when asked.  I don’t like to have to “beg” for help.  I guess I expect to be asked if I need anything … but the ones that could help are the ones who not only don’t ask, they make sure I know how busy and unavailable they are. 

I do not like myself when I grumble.  But I get so sad and then can’t help it.  I assume this is all part of the process of adjusting to my “new life”.  It seems unfair to have to adjust to being alone and losing my vision at the same time.  Well, no one ever said life was fair.

I did get a load of laundry done, and mostly put away.  I went through a drawer and weeded out a few more things for the donation boxes.  I found a pretty pair of lace curtains, so changed out the ones in the bathroom.  That window is narrow and a bit odd.  It looks out over the corner where another room sticks out, and a corner of the hvac unit.  There used to be shrubs in that corner that screened the window, giving it some privacy but letting in light.  No more.  I used to open up the shutters on the bottom half.  So I changed to the sheer curtains, and opened the blinds slats on the top.  It’s not as much light, but better than none while maintaining privacy.

I gathered up most of the Easter decorations, but haven’t gotten down the box for them yet.  I pulled out the few candles that need to be changed, but haven’t replaced them either.  I have to pull out all the candle boxes to determine what colors are in them so I can exchange them; and I just haven’t bothered yet.   It seems a bit silly to “decorate” when I can’t see well enough to enjoy; and no one else seems to notice.  Well, “no one” is mostly TGF or my SIL.  My DIL does notice; but she lives too far away to just drop in or take me to run errands.  As seems to be typical, the “visitors” have slacked off a lot.  Wait.  What visitors?  My DIL stayed with me the first week after DH passed away, and then took me to her house for a weekend.  From that time, it’s not been visiting, so much as just taking me back and forth to their hous.  My SIL did finally come over, but not until a project was finished .. so I didn’t even hear from her until this week.  TGF .. she stopped by the day of the storms.  She hasn’t come by to “visit” at all.  One person I thought was a friend has deserted me altogether.  Another is too far away for “casual visiting”.  The rest of my family all live too far away and/or have very busy lives.

And yes, I’m whining again.  I have to learn to live alone.  Period.  I can’t expect anyone to just pop over and “keep me company”.  It doesn’t work that way.

It would be nice if I could afford an apartment in a nice retirement community.  But that will not happen.  When I am forced out of here, I’ll most likely be stuck with an income-based rental public housing.  Which means a crappy cardboard one bedroom with bugs, noisy neighbors, no pets and I doubt I’d even feel very safe. 

I need to get in the shower and find something to do.  And not *think* so much.  There’s at least a small chance that TGF will come over after church (that is, if she bothers to get up in time for church .. seems to be about 50/50 on that).  She invited me to a play at the local little theater .. but never told me what time.  Actually, what she said was someone had given her 4 tickets; and since she didn’t think her boys were interested, she had to find people to give the tickets to!  Well, not exactaly an “invitation”! LOL!  But if she is wrong and her boys want to go, then I wouldn’t get to .. I can’t even guess how that will go.

If I don’t hurry up and get out of this pity-party-pool, I won’t even need a shower.