Day 13

Day 13

Wednesday, April 10, 2014

No matter how good my intentions, I seem to spend a lot of the day wandering aimlessly around the house.  And truthfully, I’ve been doing that for a long time, it’s not “new”.  I keep saying I’m quite used to being alone .. and I am.  Yes, I’m even more alone now than before  .. not only no longer checking on or doing something for DH; but also no CNA or nurse or anyone.  But still, alone is alone.  I just never said I liked it! 

I know there are things I need to get done.  A few of them I did, just not as much as I wanted.  I tell myself just get busy, clean the house, and then I can relax knowing it’s done.  And will likely stay done since  there’s no one to mess up anything.  But, I never seem to manage.  I know part of the problem is the way mama taught me.  Now mind, I am NOT blaming my mother for my inadequacies.  She just always had more interesting things to do than clean.  So we’d rush to clean before daddy got home .. whether from work, or out of town.   What I “learned” was to have an incentive for cleaning.  But I’ve taken it to a whole new level.  I’m borderline not even caring what it looks like if someone does come over.

I’m still processing a lot of emotions I didn’t even know I had.  I can’t get past being annoyed at the hospice people.  I do understand that they can’t get emotionally attached to their patients.  And I understand that when the patients die, their job is done.  But it just doesn’t seem right to feel like a door was slammed in my face.  I feel like they failed, in the end, to give me some of the support and help they promised.  There were times when appointments here were delayed or cancelled because they were called to another patient.  On that last day, I had been told the “team” would all be here.  Well, the nurse came.  The chaplain had a sick child, which is perfectly understandable  … though it feels like even though he knew I had no specific affiliation (and would have been unable to get to church anyway), apparently once DH was gone I would no longer have any use for any spiritual  anything.  And the social worker was detained … for hous, and then just went on to her other appointments and fit me in on her way home (which by then was “too late”, and she only stayed a few minutes and had no time to give me any kind of advice … I felt like I was left totally bewildered about what I was supposed to do).  The nurse only had her usual visit, but she changed DH’s status to “actively dieing” (and I till think it’s a stupid phrase!).  And she left.  And when I had to call her several hours later, she did come quickly.  She verified what I already knew; she called the funeral home and gave them information when they arrived.  She called the supply company to come pick up their equipment.  She disposed of all the meds left in the “comfort kit” (very logical, some controlled drugs in that!).  And she left.

I did get a sympathy card from hospice.

I know, it’s MY problem, but I just felt like there should have been a bit more  downside .. at the very least a call from the chaplain, or the osical worker to advise me what steps I was going to have to take.

I guess it doesn’t help that I felt so deserted by ones I *thought* were friends.   One cousin came by .. very briefly .. that afternoon.  DH’s sister came that day.   Even the day before the service, the only ones who came here (besides my DIL, who has been a huge blessing to me) was TGF and DSS so they could meet with the pastor to discuss the service. 

After the service, DSs & crew, my brother & SIL, my sister and most of her family all came here.  An old friend who surprised me by coming from 4 hours away came to the house.  And of course DS, DIL and 2 grands were here. 

That was a very difficult day, and I was very glad to be surrounded by family. But then everyone went home.  DIL stayed and helped me run errands, make phone calls, figure out what to do.

It’s hard to explain, and I feel lik I’m just being a selfish whiny brat.  But it just really feels like the ones I thought were friends really don’t have time to be bothered … or else I have to make an appointment … or they want to decide for me what I “need” and what I should do.  I understand my SIL is grieving too, but it feels like she’s shut me off .. just won’t even come out here, and she’s only 3 miles away.  I know she’s busy, but I don’t believe she’s so busy she can’t even pick up the phone.  Well, I’m the one stuck here, can’t go anywhere  … so I don’t bother other people who obviously have things to do.

I didn’t sleep as well last night; maybe that’s why I seem to be in a grumpy mood.  I woke up around 4:00 .. which really has been normal for a long time.  I had a hard time getting back to sleep.  My stomach was growling very loudly, so I got up and got a peanut butter sandwich, and when I was still awake by 4:30 I turned the TV on.  I finally at some point went back to sleep, and then didn’t wake up until nearly 7:30.  One part of my mind thinks “so what, you have nothing that has to be done at any specific time”; and the other part is thinking I’m wasting time. 

I did finally get up, and got showered and dressed.  I’ve answered several emails.  I sort of put off writing here, because my thoughts are still so jumbled and confused.

There is still a tiny (irrational?) part of me that keeps wondering if I did something wrong???  A more rational part of me knows that (1) it’s highly unlikely; and (2) even if I unintentionally did something wrong, it was right in the end because he had been saying .. before he got past even talking .. that he was so very tired.  He told the nurse the week before that he wished God would hurry up and take him.  I think .. I Believe .. he was waiting for that last contact with his brother; and I’d like to think, though I realize it’s unlikely, that he “waited” until he knew I would not be there alone.    But I think there will always be a part of me that feels guilty for not being there with him in the end.

I need to get up from the computer and find something to do to get past getting myself all weepy again!  Knowing that sadness creeping up on me at unexpected times is completely normal does not make them any easier to deal with.  And knowing .. having known for years .. this time would come does not make it any easier either!  Gone is gone whether expected or not.

I have to keep trying to find a reason to do anything.  I feel useless and purposeless, completely unnecessary now.

Day 12

Day 12

Tuesday, April 9, 2014

I had one last “busy” day with my DIL.  We got to a slow start, but then got several more things done.  She went through a folder on the computer for me to sort out things I hadn’t been able to determine if they were important.  Most wasn’t! LOL!  She also helped me get a phone bill sorted  I had thought it was on autobillpay.  Turns out it wasn’t .. the notices I was getting weren’t telling me it was paid, but what I owed. Discouraging and frightening; but it’s corrected now and paid.  (I know it was suggested a long time ago I use Quicken .. but I was never able to get it to connect with my bank account).  I do try very hard to keep up .. I have a budget on a spreadsheet, month by month; and I check the bank account frequently. 

DIL also looked up some information so I can (try to) handle a few things on my own .. for example, see if I qualify for Meals on Wheels (chances are I do . but that I live in a “poor county” and too far from town for any driver to be bothered). 

After dealing with computer stuff, we did a quick mail check, then went out.  She made a payment to the funeral home .. I will pay that back (she’s on long term disability, and I know their budget is tight.  She’s the one person who has done the most to help me out, and I won’t let it cost her if I can help it).  The man at the funeral home had really pressured me about how much I was going to pay right away, and how quickly they’d be paid (he pointed out that they are not a “financial institution”).  A few donations had come in, and she made up the difference to what I’d said I would come up with.  I was counting on DH’s checking account (and had told the man I’d have to wait for the DC to access the account).  But, truth is, I will need that money to pay this month’s rent.  Once my SS check is adjusted, I’ll be OK.

I’m trying very hard not to let it all worry me.  Things will work out.  There are things I can do to cut expenses here a bit more I think.  And moving doesn’t seem to be a very good otion, since I’d have a hard time finding a decent place to live .. pets allowed .. for what I ay here.

Anyway.  After the payment was made, we went and got pedicures!  Oh how nice that was .. it had been more than 8 months!!  And yes, I know, “normal” people don’t get regular pedicures, especially those on fixed incomes.   I just have a very hard time reaching my toes .. so will have to train the cats to chew on them! J

We made a stop at the grocery store for a few things … I didn’t need much, and shouldn’t need a trip to a grocery store for at least a week; if I’m careful, what I have in the house (plenty in the freezer) will last me until I go to NB again at Easter.

My DIL loaded up and went on home after we put up groceries.  So, for the first time, I am completely alone. 

I have a huge list of things I want to get done,  with a great many of them to be done before Easter (because I need an incentive!).  My “plan” is to start right away with a routine.

Well, I suppose it’s a “sort of” routine to wake up by 5:00.  Last night I fell asleep before the end of NCISLA .. woke up enough to turn off the news.  So no surprise I woke so early.  It was raining and I would have loved to go back to sleep; but alas, not to be.

So sitting and writing with my first cup of coffee is my new routine.

Nothing really feels real yet.  It’s a sort of advantage that I was “alone” so much already .. so getting up at odd times is normal.  Knowing I don’t need to be “quiet” is not.  It feels off to not keep going back to check on DH.  I guess it’s a good thing the medical supply company picked up their equipment so quickly, because my mind keeps replaying the last time I saw him … he looked exactly the same as he had the last few days.  Except he wasn’t breathing any more.  And it still just doesn’t feel real.

One especially nice thing happened last night.  I used to hire a lady to help me clean house once a month.  That was when I was still working part time of course.  She’s a very nice lady, and I was very happy with what a good job she did.  Plus, several times instead of cleaning she would help me with other things .. like organizing cabinets, and cleaning the attic.  The last time (January) she had mentioned the possibility of coming back in April to help clean the porch and yard.  I emailed her to let her know why she’d not heard from me, and let her know I no longer would be able to pay her to come help.  She wrote back that she will come help me with the porch at no charge, just because that’s what friends do!    I find it amazing that she would consider me a friend rather than cutomer and offer to help … and yet people I *thought* were friends have been nowhere to be found.

I do have one friend who is waiting for me to say I’m not busy and wanting company.  But I won’t be “not busy”, because there is a lot of cleaning I’m behind on as well as sorting DH’s stuff (and no hurry on that!  DSS is handling the craft supplies, but a lot more I have to deal with).  If someone wants to come visit, I will stop what I’m doing;  I’m not especially willing to clear my calendar and “make an appointment”.  And I don’t even know why I’m fretting about it  Company is welcome; but based on the last few months, I don’t particularly expect any.  Even my SIL .. right down the road … can scarcely find time to come here.  But in her case, I don understand she is grieving for her brother, and it may be hard for her to come here for awhile.

Today is Wednesday.  It’s my brother’s birthday, I must remember to at least email him … I’ve long since given up trying to send cards.  As frustrating as it is, I simply cannot hand write anything because I (literally) can’t see what I’m writing. (I’ve gotten very good at signing my name as long as someone puts a finger exactly where I need to put the pen to start .. and I have no choice but be very trusting about what I’m signing!).

I’ve missed my BIL’s birthday, must email him too.  I have several thank yous to take care of, and I really hope people won’t be offended by email instead of hand written notes.  Anything I don’t have email for will wait until DIL can help me when I go to their house for Easter (for a week).

I don’t know where today is going; but  since I’ve now been up nearly 2 hours, and accomplished nothing more than 2 cups of coffee (oh, and I did dismantle a flower arrangement so I can give SIL back her implements) .. I guess if I want to get myself into a routine and have something to show for my time, I’d best go on and get started!

Day 11

Day 11

(Friday - Monday), April 5, 6, 7, 2014

After I wrote on Friday, I didn’t really try much any more.  Next time I go to DH’s house, I will take with me items to make it easier to use the computer.  But, I can’t do anything about their in-and-out internet (possibly a faulty router).]

Friday night we did not do much but watch shows on Netflix.

Saturday morning we all got up early and went to DGS13’s soccer game.  That was an odd experience to be sure.  I couldn’t really *see* the game, except I could detect when the whole blob of little boys (little?? Teenagers!!) ran as a group.  The only time I could see the ball was when one went amok and hit my leg!  Sadly, DGS wasn’t in the game very much, only a short time during each half.  (not one of the stronger players).  However .. coaches take note .. the ONLY scores the team made were achieved while he was on the field!  OK, he didn’t actually make them; but he was not riding the bench.  And they won, 2 to 0.  Just saying. J

By the time we got back, DIL was tired .. and turned out everyone except metook a long afternoon nap.  I sat in the same chair I spent most of the weekend in, and had a weepy spell.  I do not expect to not have spells like that … and I definitely don’t expect to be “entertained” every minute.  I just felt a little frustrated, because with my limited vision and not being completely familiar with their house (as in knowing where they keep things) … I couldn’t watch TV because I don’t know how to work the control for Netflix; and I couldn’t get something to eat because I simply can’t tell what is what in the kitchen. 

Late in the afternoon when DIL woke and felt better, we went to a mall.  We started out going to Michael’s looking for yarn (DIL is building up a respectable small business with her crocheted items).  Then we walked into the mall a little, and browsed through a couple of shops (she bought me a coffee mug, which got left at her house).

Saturday night they all agreed to watch a movie.  My only request was that it be funny; or at least, no creepy horror show.  We ended up watching a Godzilla movie!  It was just what I needed .. funny in the way a 56 year old movie with “special effects” would be.  It was a new experience for the kids, and hearing them laugh at how hokey it was made me laugh too.

Sunday morning everyone slept late .. except me.  But I didn’t get up, didn’t want to wake anyone.  Especially those dogs!!

Then we sat around and watched episodes of Undercover Boss for most of the afternoon.  I went with DS and kids to a frozen yogurt shop .. new experience for me.  Not eating frozen yogurt .. but the way you self serve and choose from so many options!!

Supper was late .. but then, it always is.

Monday morning once DS and the kids had all left for work and school, DIL and I got our various things put together/packed, and we left.  First a stop at DIL’s chiropractor.  Then – because it was actually getting close to noon by then – a quick trip through a drive-through for burgers and fries. 

On the way we continued to listen to an audio book .. and it’s going to be VERY hard to not continue on my own until we have time to finish hearing the book together!

We got home by early afternoon.   She made one last phone call .. one last thing to get settled (as far as I know) until I get some paperwork in the mail.  Later she went to visit her sister, who was in Raleigh on business for only a brief time.  Those few hours were the only ones I’ve had alone at home in 12 days!.  I’m VERY glad I’ve had someone here with me.  But I’m ready to face being alone now.

There are a huge number of emotions that come and go, and I have to gie myself time to work through them.  The oddest things will effect me … and yes, I already knew that.   It still sometimes happens for my parents, too.

Sitting in the living room with it quiet, and one of the dogs on the sofa gently snoring .. and the sound was way too familiar.  Sitting in the chiropractor’s waiting room, and remembering too many times to count of waiting rooms.  Sometimes just trying to talk about something will choke me up; others I can laugh.

There’s a part of me that knows this is all a normal part of the grieving process.  There’s another part of me – cynical? – that thinks I’ve been grieving over losing DH slowly for months now, I should have *accepted*  his death by now.  And yet, my mind won’t stop playing that one moment in time over and over … the sudden notice that it’s gone quiet … going into his room … he’s not breathing any more.  How long before we noticed?  Was he aware he was going and all alone while I sait in the next room over enjoying visiting with my sister and nieces?  Should I have noticed sooner?  Should I have been with him?  Would he really have known? 

That morning when the CNA (not CAN) and I started to roll him over a bit for washing, hecried out even more than usual.  It seemed very odd, because we were mostly rolling his shoulders over – not hips which was when he had been complaining of pain.  We immediately stopped; and I remember telling him several times “it’s OK, it’s all right, we won’t hurt you any more”.  The CNA called the nurse because of the noticeable change in pain, and she came out soon after.  After checking him .. and getting no real response – B/P low (though strangely, not as low as it had been a week ago).  She changed his status from “transioning” to “actively dying” (which I thought, and still think, is an oxymoron and a stupid phrase).   And ironicly, she later said she hadn’t expected him to go that fast.

I still feel like the hospice people let me down a little bit at the end.  I was under the very clear impression they would be here to help me with “plans” (although they were always asking if I had made plans rather than asking if I needed any help with making plans).  And the chaplain never called at all, which I found very strange.  I did get a sympathy card from “the team”.  I suspect a secretary automatically sends those out when a patient dies.  It’s hospice – their patients always die.  And I understand the staff can’t get emotionally involved.  I just don’t understand their utter lack of any sort of assistance or comfort when the end came.

Though I am home now, I’m not “alone”.  My DIL is here.  I love her dearly, and am glad she’s been with me and so much help.  But I feel like she’s ready to be at home, and I’m ready to deal with the reality of being here alone.  I feel like my house needs a good cleaning.  And there’s so many things to be gathered up, evaluated, and robably mostly tossed.  I need to find out when my niece is available .. world’s best at going through paperwork and declaring the majority of it “unneeded”!!  And there is a lot of it .. DH has bits of paper, old envelopes, random pieces of amil squirreled away all over the house.  He never threw away even junk mail (hmm .. sounds oddly familiar .. except his idea of “filing” was toss it in a box or a drawer).  DSS will be going through 2 large cabinets full of craft supplies; but there’s still an awful lot I have to get rid of.  I think it might be a little easier when (1) the dialysis supplies are picked up, and (2) I call ReStore to come pick up some donations (that will get some large items out of the way). 

Once everything gets cleaned, I need to rethink how I want to use rooms.  And even that feels faintly disloyal.  I think this morning is not the tme.

We will be going out to run errands this morning.  DIL is going to loan me enough to make a partial payment to the funeral home.  The man there, although nice, made a point of telling me they aae not a “financial institution”, and that they expect payment quickly.  At the time all I could think to tell him was that as soon as I could access DH’s bank account, I’d pay him $400, and the rest within 6 months.  Since a few donations have been made, she is going to add enough for it to come up to that $400.  I know some more help is coming, so I’ll wait to see what is needed. 

I’ve gone over my budget.  It’sll be “tight” of course.  But I’ll be OK.  There are some things I plan to look into that will help cut some expenses.  And just me and the cats .. won’t need much grocery money! LOL!

There are a few things to get done today, and then I believe DIL would like to head on home.  So, time to quit the mind wandering and get this day started.

Day 8

Day 8

(Wednesday – Friday), April 2, 3, 4, 2014

On Wednesday, DIL and I took our time getting up and put together in the morning.  We took car of yet more phone calls (I  had no clue there were SO many people who had to be notified!  And there’s so much run-around). 

In the afternoon we ran a few errands.  I got to go by and visit my favorite shop (and the little  chair will be ready before my next trip . you know who you are! J )  We went to Wal-Mart for a few odds and ends (and forgot litter.   Sure will have a mess to clean up when I get home!).  We stopped by the bank and were able to ge some information and direction there, though I can’t do anything yet – again, waiting for that certificate). 

After coming home, there was yet another call to take care of; that one resulted in a scheduled phone interview … and might mean I don’t have to take a trip to the county seat.  It’s wait and see on that, and a bit scary … interview is only 2 days before my check normally comes.    (they sure didn’t waste any time stopping DH’s check .. but I have to APPLY for death benefits, and APPY for survivorship benefits.  I hope it doesn’t create a problem, even if I know if would only be short term.   Even a short term issue could conceivably make all my May bills bounce .. that would be a disaster.  But I still just have to wait and see.

In the (late) evening TGF came over.  She visited for a little while, and assured me she will come by and look after Maggie and Butter whle I’m gone.

Thursday

I got up early, did laundry, dishes, bagged trash, got myself showered and dressed, and packed.  I’m usually much better organized, so hope I didn’t forget anything .. if I did, I haven’t missed it yet.  We got everything loaded and left by shortly after 10:00 am.  We made a stop by the gas company (landlord) to tell them about the pump running. I had left a message Monday .. clearly the message was not passed on.  That’s a bit disturbing.  Anyway, the landlord happened to be there, he had gotten part of the message, and I told him about the pump.  There’s a place in the yard where water seems to be seeping up, but it’s on the side of the pumpohouse away from the house.   Well, turns out that in the past the the pump served the little house too, so one of those pipes still underground is leaking.  It will be fixed.

We listened to a book while we rode.  In Kinston we met DH for lunch (got a little lost .. he’s not at all good at giving directions!!  Plus there was one road that was not marked).  Then we came on back here, and wer at the house before the grands got home from school.

The evening was spent mostly just quietly watching old TV shows.

Friday

This has been an odd day so far.  DIL had to go in to do a little work at her school (even though she is supposed to be on indefinite medical leave).  So for a few hours I was here alone.  Unfortunately, I don’t know how to work the Netflix (they have no cable or dish for TV); and I didn’t know the new internet password.  And I didn’t think to bring my (large print) phone book, so I couldn’t even call anyone.  Boring and frustrating!  I took a shower, organized my stuff, and washed up any dishes I could find.

Fortunately, DIL didn’t have to work too long.  She brought me a large Starbucks coffee and a bagel with cream cheese.  (since then I’ve eaten a couple of pieces of bread .. meals around here are at very odd times, and I can’t see well enough to be comfortable to just browse for something to eat.)

DIL and I watched more episodes of Law & Order, and then listened to more of our book.  I guess we’ll have to wait until the ride back home to hear the rest.

Right now we are waiting for DS to get home from work.  Seems he is the chief cook.  DIL is on her computer; DGS is in his room playing games; DGD is on the sofa napping.  It’s very quiet here.  Except for a very noisy ceiling fan.

I have no idea what will be the plan for tonight.

Tomorrow DGS has a soccer game at 8:00, so everyone will be getting up and out early.  After the game we’re going to a town nearer the coast to a huge Goodwill store, and maybe also to a HobbyLobby (DIL is always watching for good deals on yarn.  She started crocheting when he health started restricking her activities .. and she is building up a nice little business!).  And while we’re that close, we’ll go on over to the beach.

I suspect there will be no church on Sunday, because after a day like Saturday DIL will be too exhausted; and she’ll still have the drive to my house (that that’s so she won’t be too tired to be able to go on to Raleigh on Monday evening for a rare chance for a visit with her sister).

The light here isn’t as good as home, plus I don’t have the little plastic thingy that raises my laptop to a more comfortable angle for typing.  I will most likely not post again until I’m home .. Monday or Tuesday.

I am dealing with a lot of emotions.  I will try to write out more of that .. if nothing else, try to calm my mind .. but not until I can sit

and write more comfortably.

It is now quir late Friday night.  I have not been able to get online due to computer/wireless/router;internet issues.  I will not try again until I am home.

Day 5

Day 5

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

This was, at least in part, a very stressful day. The morning started out calmly.  Even though I continue to wake up too early, I didn’t have to rush around to do anything or be ready for anyone.  Over the course of the morning, as DIL and I chatted, the list of “things to do”, particularly phone calls, seemed to grow.   So by afternoon I gritted my teeth, and she and I between us made most of the calls.  There is still at least one to do; but it was late in the afternoon before we even found out we need that one, so it will be made this morning.  And by the time we’d worked out way through all that, I had a headache and felt drained (and she actually made a couple of the calls on my behalf!).

The dialysis nurse, and his new assistant, came by.  They picked up a large amount of surplus supplies that they will be able to use with training, or to supplement other patients having a hard time.  I’m very glad of that – especially since he told me that all of the boxes of solution that gets picked up will actually be discarded!  I just hate such waste, even while I *sort of* understand the reasoning. 

The only other “visitors” were DSS and his boys (DSs) came by but only very briefly.  They were trying to get in some hunting before they lost daylight.  They *said* they’d come back by; but of course they didn’t.  They also said the boys would come by here today before they head home.  I have no idea what time that will be.  DIL and I have a list of errands to go take care of in the afternoon … but since the boys have such a long drive ahead, I tend to think they’ll get going earlier than we will.  At least, I hope .. I guess I’ll have to call and ask, since no one in that house seems inclined to communicate much with me.  It’s a bit of a disappointment how little I actually saw of the boys while here .. but I’m not surprised.  It’s always like thata.  They’re *his* boys, and they just don’t have much time for anyone else.

Thank goodness for DIL!  Because no one else (that’s close enough to matter) seems to particularly care if I’m here alone or not (except one friend who won’t even come if anyone else is here .. seems to want my undivided attention … and makes me feel like none of my family, friends, or even the hospice people were good enough for her to have to bother with.  OK, that’s not “fair” .. but it’s still the way I sometimes feel).

In bad times, it’s family that comes through anyway. 

SIL had said she’d come by.  Well, late in the afternoon she called.  She’d gotten busy working in her garden and lost track of time.  That’s just how it is.  She’s busy busy busy.  She’s only 3 miles down the road, and not a hint of an offer to come by to check on things here while I’m gone.  And she knows I’m uneasy about depending on TGF and DSS to do it.

Last night I fixed my “potato chip chicken” for DIL and Imyself for supper.  I used sour-cream-and-onion chips this time, and it came out very good.  We have enough to snack on today, and I will put the rest in single serving sizes into the freezer.  I even had a glass of wine (thanks to my sister!!).   I won’t even bother buying any groceries until I get back from the long weekend in NB.  

There are so many things I have to figure out.  I’m going to have to change my TV reception, so  may end up giving up some favorite shows.  I will end up with even more time on my hands; and I’m still stubborn enough to resist doing something “to keep my hands busy” just because someone (well meaning) tries to cram it down my throat.  I just don’t do well with someone trying to browbeat me into doing what *they* think I should be doing.  Anyway, truth is, I have more than enough decluttering and organizing to last me quite awhile .. especially if it is fit in around some travelling.  I know the travelling isn’t going to last “forever”.  Maybe just these first few months.  But that’s OK, I’ll still get some family visits that I’ve not been able to do for a long time .. some not ever.  After that I will cope.  I suppose eventually I will have to reconsider if I want to stay here or not.  I do love this house; and I would resent being forced to give up a lot of my things to be crammed into some tiny place (that people tend to think is “suitable” for a single old person).    But the truth is, it will get lonely.   The last year has been lonely, and that was with the hospice people coming some of the time.  Now there will be no one for most of the time, and I’m “trapped” here.    I know there are a few peole I can call; and if necessary, I will.  The hard part is where it just never occurs to anyone to *ask* if I need something, even just company occasionally.  Well, no need to borrow trouble.  I’ll just have to wait and see how things work out, and then figure out what I need to do about it.   I know I can consider moving closer to town (but NOT Benson); but I can never actually live very close to the people I care most about.  It’s a lot to think about, eventually.

The sun is out.  I know it will sound super dumb, but I’ve always felt like the year long stretch of crummy weather would be over when DH was at peace.  No logic whatsoever in that.  But .. other than an occasional spell of coler weather .. for the most part, it’s “normal” again.   Except, of course, it will be a very long time before my life is “normal”.  Then again, maybe all my rambling thoughts are a “normal” part of the grieving process.  How would I know?

Day 4

Day 4

Monday, March 31, 2014

I’m not sure that writing just now is much of an accurate log of my life just now.  Nothing is “normal”; there will come a time when I am here alone, and will have to figure out how to go on.  But I have family who is helping me put off that time, and getting through the “now” part.

Monday I did make a few more phone calls. As far as I know, there’s nothing else I have to do (or can do) until the certificates get here.   I am hoping to hear from the dialysis nurse about being able to use some of the left over supplies, and the unopened stuff will be picked up in 2 weeks. 

The boys that spent the night stayed up late (and DGS14 raided the freezer, and will have to answer to his pie-deprived grandma!!!),  so slept late.  During the afternoon TGF DSS, and DGS21 came by for a little while.   They took the boys back with them; and we’ll probably see them again sometime later this afternoon (Tuesday).

During the day DDIL and I mostly just watched TV and talked.  Every now and then one of us would get up to do something .. I’m still finding it hard to just sit and do nothing, so I “tweak” still.   In the late afternoon she suddenly said she was hungry for steak, so she took me out to dinner.  That was lovely.  Then we just watched TV.

I have a list of things for her to help me with, and we have done some of those things (like sort mail; and she’s working on putting things in the memory book the funeral home gave me.

We’ve been looking at calendars (well, she has) and tentatively making plans.  I’m happy for the opportunity to visit family  .. both because I’ve missed being able to do that, and because I know it’s going to be very hard just being here by myself at times.  But I also know that in order for me to do anything, it means someone going out of their way to have to come get me and take me home.  I feel bad about that, even though I can’t help it.  It just always seemed like when the time came I was alone (and I’ve known for more than 30 years the time would come eventually), I’d just drive where ever I wanted to go.  That’s NOT gonna happen!!

I feel like anything I write here just now is a bit “superficial” .. I guess I’m still a bit numb.  I get spells where the sadness creeps up on me unexpectedly; but mostly, nothing feels “real”.  I guess it helped to some extent that things here changed gradually.  At the last, DH was only in his room (and then for weeks only in bed), so I had a chance to ease into not *seeing* him  except when I went back to the bedroom.  But I could always hear him.  Now it seems to very quiet. But it still doesn’t feel real.  I don’t feel more alone than I did those last few weeks.  I’m sure things will change a lot once I’m actually here alone.  I’ll deal with that when I have to.

Meantime it’s very nice to have DIL here with me.  I wish I wasn’t such poor health that enabled her to have time to be here.

It sill feels odd how few people have come by to visit.  ////clearly I’ve had unrealistic expectations of what “friends” will do.  Perhaps they just don’t do that any more.  I have one friend who said she’ll come by “later”, when people hae stopped coming.  Stopped?  It just really feels oddly deserted.  No, that’s not really the right word.  “deserted” implies they were here to start with .. and maybe that’s where I’m wrong.   Some of the people I thought were friends are really only acquaintences .. and a FB comment or even an email are quite sufficient messages of condolence. 

Oh well.  It doesn’t matter, since nothing has changed.  I have plans forming to spend time with family; and in the end, that’s all that really matters!

For those family members reading, my tentative plans for the next 2 months are:  this Thursday I’ll be going to New Bern for a long weekend, and will be home sometime next week.  I’ll be going back to New Bern Easter weekend, but don’t know yet exactly when I’m going.  I’ll stay for a week that time, to include DGD’s 16^th birthday party.

As far as I know for now, I’ll be home most of May.  I really need to have some time to go through a lot of things in the house and then have it all picked up.   During that time I’ll certainly be glad of any and all visits from family (or the few “real” friends out there).  Towards the end of May I’ll be going with DIL to her appointment and then on for a visit with DB and SIL. 

I’m also looking forward to a trip to X .. having never been there … but those plans have not been made yet.

I guess it’s time to get this day going.

Day 3

Day 3

Sunday, March 30, 2014

I initially started this blog to track the process through hospice, and to have a place to express my feelings.  In order to continue it as a sort of journal, it has to have a new numbering system.  So, Sunday March 30, 2014 is day 3 of “Life without Jimmy”.

The “essence” of him has been gone awhile; but his now being physically gone (if you don’t count the small inimpressive white box in the corner for now) is different, and something I have to get used to.  One Day at a Time.

The memorial service was very nice.  For not having ever met him, the pastor did a lovely job of telling about DH.  You just can’t sum up 71 years in 30 minutes, but he did sum upp his “essense” nicely.  The only problem I had with anything was that there was so little “direction”.  Meaning, I felt completely lost a lot of the time … people kept asking me what should they do, where should they sit .. and there was no one to help with that, and I just didn’t know. And it was strange feeling to be standing in a “receiving line” .. very loosely formed  .. and spaking to people I didn’t know (and didn’t recognize many I should have known).

The memorial display turned out nice.  There were 2 potted plants that I still have to find out who to thank for.  DH’s sister took one to put in her garden, and I have the other.  Sister also put together an absolutely gorgeous arrangement with flowers from her own garden .. exactly the sort of thing DH would have appreciated.  And DS & DIL bought a nice potted tulip which will go in their garden.

Several people either gave me cards or slipped some money into my hands.  I am extremely grateful; and hope I adequately expressed thanks for the cash, because I really have no clue who it came from except for one person.

A couple of “old friends” of mine showed up (and also some classmates of his), for which I’m ever so grateful.  One lady and her husband came all the way from the Outer Banks .. we were close friends 20 or so years ago.  Another friend I’ve known more than 30 years came, and gave me a photograph taken of her, myself, and DH .. all in much younger and skinnier days!

One current close friend came; the person I *thought* was a friend did not come, and I’ve not heard a word from.

Most of the family, and my 20+ year friends came back to the house.  My DIL had made chicken salad, plus bought some “snack trays”.  My sister & family brought some Smithfield’s barbecue.  I hope everyone got as much as they wanted to eat, because apparently there was plenty.  I never went into the kitchen!  Someone fixed me a plate of food, and my dear sister brought me a glass of wine!  My niece brought me some cake later (my SIL brought that).  I totally enjoyed having all the family around .. and liked that the 2 families seemed to mingle (in times past, one “group” would be in one room, and the others in a different room).  My niece’s 3 y/o entertained us all quite well (very smart little kid!). It was very sad when everyone finally had to leave.  A lot of people had to travel a long way.  Even DS and his kids had to head back home, though they waited quite a bit later.  Thankjully DIL is staying with me the rest of the week.

One of the GA boys (DGS14/nearly 15) wanted to spend the night.  Then it turns out he wanted him and TGF’s oldest to stay here.  He didn’t care about spending the night at grandma’s.  He just wanted to be away from the younger kids, watch whatever they wanted on TV (all night long), and no competition for whatever food is left    Oh well.  He tried to microwave a small pizza, which was fine.  Except he apparently has a problem with directions.  He thought the box said 20 ½ minutes (for a 6” pizza???) .. it said 2 ½.  It was a near disaster; and the whole house filled with very acrid smoke.  We had to shut the kitchen door and turn on fans; he and BGS16 had to open doors and windows.  And he cleaned the microwave.  But this morning (Monday) the house still smells funky.  I hope it will be a warm enough day to try to air it out better.

One thing I did notice … none of my smoke detectors went off.  And the batteries were recently changed.  I hope that only means the smoke residue didn’t get that far (only the smell  … my eyes burn, but that *could* be because they burn or itch occasionally anyway).

I sort of feel like the hospice people kind of dropped the ball at the end.  I was told last summer they would be here for me with advice and counseling about end of life planning … and it didn’t happen.  It seems to me like they had somewhat decided he “wasn’t *that* bad off “ yet  .. and when  he took a sudden turn for the worse, they had other commitments that were more important.  There was never anyone telling me what to expect, what to do, etc.  I really felt like I was fumbling through a lot .. and still things I need to do that I have no one to really help me figure out.  I mean, none of them that I thought I could count on.  My DIL will be here with me; and I know I can call on family members if I need to (and I will).  But I still feel let down that in the end they didn’t do what they had said they would.

When the nurse came back Thursday afternoon, she was very efficient.  She called the funeral home; she called the equipment company; and she disposed of the unused meds (the ones they provided).  She said she knew the social worker was already planning to come by, and I’d hear from the chaplain the next day.  Well, by the time the S/W got here the funeral guys were already here … and she was at the end of a long day.  So she only stayed briefly; told me she’d come back to visit just as a friend (which I doubt, she’ll be busy with her life and her job and forget); and I never heard another word from the chaplain.  I understand he has a sick child.  But nevertheless, to not even get a phone call pretty much felt like I’d been dropped like a hot potato.  It’s like no matter what services were supposedly offered, once it was “too late” their services ended no matter what.  I was told they have a “bereavement counselor” who will be available for 13 months (odd time).  Well, no thanks .. I have family.

What I needed was someone to tell me what to expect when we met with the funeral home directior .. he seemed faintly less than pleased that we didn’t already have firm answers in place for his questions. And, as I said above, I had no idea what was the “correct protocol” (I don’t know if that is spelled right nor not).

The thing that somewhat surprised me .. and I guess I have to admit disappointed me a little .. was that no one came here Friday and Saturday.  I did have quite a few “condolence” calls, but all but one were from family.  People I thought were friends, and that live close by, did not come by the house or go to the service.   I know several of DSS’s friend went to his house.  I guess I don’t have as many friends as I thought.   I had been told that people would come by to offer sympathy, bring food, yadda yadda .. didn’t happen.  Most of my family live too far away for a casual “drop in”.  And it occurs to me, there’s really no where I could live (as opposed to way out here in the wilderness) that I would be any closer.

I know, I’m very whiny and self-pitying this morning.  I woke up way too early, and started getting weepy.  I expect that’s going to hit me at unexpected times for quite a while.  The house doesn’t really “feel” different, other than being very quiet without the machinery going.  But it does feel strange to not have obligations .. pills, drinks, dialysis, etc.  Or even not to just keep going back to the bedroom to check on DH.  I find myself wandering back there and just looking around, wondering what in the world to do with all the cluttered mess.  Mostly DSS will take care of sorting things (my bad vision is coming in handy for a change!).  But it’s bugging me that it’s disorganized and there’s trash and random stuff laying around.  I’m going to have to go clean it.

After so many people here, I feel the need to clean the house .. which might be useless.  No CNA, no nurses, just no one at all to be coming by now.  Funny, even the Mexicans next door quit coming (not that I mind that!) And I strongly suspect there’s nowhere elsse I could live that would be any different.

Today (Monday) I still have a few phone calls to make.  I’ve been told there’s a water pipe leaking somewhere in the yard.  I don’t know where (from the description I was given, it shouldn’t be from my well); but the pump apparently keeps running.  So, I have to call the landlord to check it out.  And, I have to let them know the rent this month will be late, because I don’t know how long it will take to get the social security straightened out.  I suspect that being so near the end of the month, DH’s check will go into the bank automatically … and I’m very much afraid they will either demand it back, or just take it back; and I don’t know how long before they’ll correct mine.  I know I can skip the gas payment because I’m well ahead  on that anyway.  But all the other bills will come no matter what.   DH had a personal checking account, and I have no idea what’s in it now (very little I think); but I have to wait about 2 weeks for a death certificate to take to the bank before I can access that.  And I don’t expect SSA will be in any big hurry to pay their paltry death benefit (which, I found out to my eternal disgust, is ONLY paid to the first spouse to die).   It’s all a bit stressful to figure out (and annoying that TGF could care less that I’m stuck with 2 teenage boys to feed .. no clue when someone is picking them up, so DIL and I can’t even go out today to run errands or anything.  I’m absolutely not leaving those 2 here alone!!)

DIL has the neatest app on her phone.  I can’t remember what it’s called, but she can make lists or notes or all sorts of things .. and everyone connected (I presume by a specific password or something) can access it.  That means the kids can enter their own schedules .. games, band, whatever … and they all have the same info.  She can make a grocery list, and DS can go to the store .. and, can remove things from the list as he gets them.  So anyway, she’s making a list of various things as we think of them that need to be done (or just things that I need her help with .. like resetting all the timers since the power went out Thursday night).  So that’s things to get done this week.

We haven’t decided when yet, but I’m thinking maybe Thursday, I’ll go with her back to New Bern.  I’m sure she’s been away from home long enough, although I’m extremely grateful to have her here with me.  I guess I’ll spend a long weekend there (get to go to one of DGS’s soccer games).  Sooner or later I’ll have to be back here by myself, and get things done.  But perhaps she’ll come back with me a little while, because when the certificates come I’ll need to take care of things in the day time, not just Sunday afternoon.

In May the kids will have end of year concerts.  I will likely go back for that; and then will go with DIL to an appointment at the end of May.  Tentatively, she’ll take me to my brother’s from there.  She’ll spend a night and then head home, and I’ll stay with him a little while (details to be determined). I also heard yesterday talk of my sister driving me out to TX to visit our other brother.  I don’t know when that will work out, but I’ll be looking forward to it.

Somewhere in between the visiting, when the weather becomes more stable and everyone interested is available, there will be a trip to the Outer Banks to say a final good bye to DH.

That’s as far as I can “plan” for now.

The sun is shining (it wasn’t evemn daylight yet when I woke up).  I don’t even know what today will bring, but I guess it’s time to get it started.  I can go on and get a shower before anyone else is awake; and maybe even do a load of laundry.  And then, just .. who knows.